Time After Time.
A Harry Potter based fanfic by MCGEEandME.
Disclaimer: I don't own Severus Snape, or Lily Potter or James or Harry. But I do own Rose Griphons, but of course you do not know her yet. And I own these events (well, most), and the actions these wonderful characters perform.
Severus lay cold, dead, on the floor of the shrieking shack. Murdered. But then he awoke. And he was laying cold, alive, in his bed at 40 Gates Lane. He was shivering and sweating heavily. His mind still whirled to that moment he had thought he was dead forever. He tugged his quilt up to his chin and rested his head back upon his pillow. Slowly, dreading the end, he drifted back to sleep….
James shouted, "Expelliarmus!"
Snape's wand flew twelve feet into the air and fell with a thud in the grass behind him. Sirius let out a bark of laughter….
"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" said James.
"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," said Sirius viciously. "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to know a word."
"You—wait," he panted staring up at James with an expression of purest loathing. "You—wait…."
"Wait for what?" said Sirius coolly. "What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"
"Wash out your mouth," said James coldly. "Scourgify!"
"Leave him ALONE!"
"All right, Evans?" said James, and the tone of his voice was suddenly pleasant, deeper, more mature.
"Leave him alone," Lily repeated. She was looking at James with every sign of great dislike. "What's he done to you? You think you're so funny, but you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone."
Snape directed his wand straight at James. James whirled about. A second flash later, Snape was hanging upside down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of graying underpants.
"LEAVE HIM ALONE!"
"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," said James earnestly.
"Take the curse off him then!"
James sighed deeply then turned to Snape and muttered the countercurse.
"There you go," he said, as Snape struggled to his feet again, "you're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus."
"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"
He awoke again, panting heavily and weeping hard. Lily…. His life was ruined forever from that one nasty word…. And it could never be fixed. What the hell was he thinking? He had said yes to Rose. He could never love her. He couldn't ever love anyone else…he constantly reminded himself about that. His was dishonorable. Disloyal. Dishonorable. Disloyal…. The thoughts repeated themselves to Severus.
He sat up and faced the Slytherin banner hanging down. The room had everything he wanted…although he no longer had his magic….
"Sometimes I think we sort to soon…."
But if he had really been put in Gryffindor for his courage (which he kept denying he had any…) then none of this would have happened…. Maybe James and Sirius would still pick at him, maybe he would always feel like a loner, but he wouldn't have been influenced by Avery and Mulciber and Malfoy…he would never have become a Death Eater…but then again, he would never had saved Harry Potter either….
-x-
He was still extremely exhausted, and he wanted to go back to sleep, but he had that date in an hour, that pathetic date….
Severus got changed and washed his hair. It still looked greasy and he still looked hideous, when Rose looked beautiful….but it was the best he could do.
As he walked out the door, he noticed two sets of flowers on the table…a bouquet of Roses and a bouquet of Lilies…Roses for Rose, Lilies for Lily…. Without thinking, he grabbed the Lilies, which he had said would only ever belong to Lily….
-x-
Severus arrived at the little coffee house and looked inside the window. Rose wore a long gingerbread-colored gown and a black coat on top of that to keep her warm. The dress was not too flattering, but upon her it was beauteous….
Severus opened the door nervous, not sure what to expect from this and wanting with all his might to go back and be dead…be dead with Lily. But he wouldn't stand Rose up, he knew she didn't deserve that, even if she didn't want to be on this date either….
"Oh, hi!" she exclaimed as she looked up and saw Severus. He gave a light smile but didn't say anything and sat down across from her.
A waiter came over and Rose looked up towards him. "I'll get a coffee, regular, and Severus? Do you want water?"
"I'll have what you're getting." It was the first thing he said since he walked in.
"You sure? Have you ever had a coffee before?"
"I'm sure I can handle it." She gave a light smile and the waiter walked off to get their beverages. He saw her eyeing the floweres and remembered to give them to her.
"These are for you." And he handed them to her. Her eyes widened.
"They're beautiful. I love Lilies. I'll put them in a vase when I get home. So, is this your first time in the city? You looked a little off from the crowd today."
"Yes," he answered. Then the waiter arrived again. He served both of them a coffee. Severus took a sip and instantly spit it out. Rose let out a soft laugh and Severus actually smiled at his embarrassment.
"I'm sorry," she responded to how disgusted he was. What was she sorry for? "I was raised by a Muggle, my mother. She always wanted to teach me Muggle accustoms and I was partly raised with them. But she also understood that I was to be accustomed to the Wizarding world as well. Were you raised by Muggles?" She had asked it pleasantly, like she just wanted to find a connection.
"Y-yes," he stuttered. "My…my father."
"Was he that bad?" she questioned.
"How did you kn—"
"I could just tell. He didn't like magic?"
Severus hesitated. "He didn't like much of anything."
"How are things at your house?" Lily asked.
A little crease appeared between his eyes.
"Fine," he said.
"They're not arguing anymore?"
"Oh yes, they're arguing," said Snape. He picked up a fistful of leaves and began tearing them apart, apparently unaware of what he was doing. "But it won't be that long and I'll be gone."
"Doesn't your dad like magic?"
"He doesn't like anything, much," said Snape.
"What are you thinking about?" asked Rose.
"Nothing," he muttered back. Rose could tell she was not getting threw to him.
Rose sighed. "What made you join the Death Eaters?" It was a personal question and she knew it.
"That's a bit personal…." was his answer.
"But I think it would break the tension." She gave another soft smile in his direction.
"Well…I was…I needed something to belong to, and years with them…I couldn't stand to be alone anymore, and I thought it was what I always wanted…." It was the best he could do. He had to tell her something sometime, but he didn't dare tell her everything that went into the decision….
She had an odd look upon her face, but it was a look of disgust or loathing, it was more like she was thinking hard and trying to take in everything he had said.
Finally, she responded with: "People make mistakes sometimes."
And I've made plenty, he thought. She seemed to notice what he was thinking.
"You've just got to learn from them."
He looked away from her and noticed for the first time there were others in the shop as well. A family sat in the corner eating and another couple sat not too far from them. Severus also spotted a woman sitting alone with her small dog sitting on the floor beside her. The dog stood up every time she went to take a bite of her food and she tried to get him to sit back down every time. Severus snickered.
Rose noticed what he had been looking at and then looked back towards him. "Don't laugh at her. She's just trying to make it through the days like us." She didn't seem angry or annoyed at him, she just looked serious and calm. He looked back down at his full cup of coffee. He didn't know if his face was bright red of snow-white. He made him self look like a fool over and over again on this date. As he hade told himself before. He was not cut out for love.
"Do you want anything to eat?" asked Rose again. She was always starting the conversation, and that made Severus even more embarrassed.
"No, I'm not too hungry."
"Ok, I'll pay the check and we ca walk." She was paying the check. That's what the guys were supposed to do. He felt bad that he didn't have any Muggle money. He didn't have anything, really, except what was back at the apartment.
Rose paid and the two of them walked out of the coffee house. Severus didn't know where they were going, nor did he care. He wanted this night to be over.
But suddenly, once they were out in the chilly air, Rose took his hand. He hadn't wanted her to, but he couldn't take his away either. She was trying to be nice, although he didn't know why. Yet, he couldn't make her feel bad; he couldn't do that to this innocent girl.
He felt like he should say something. She had been starting the conversation all night long.
"So, what have you been doing since you got out of Hogwarts?" He didn't mean to make it sound like he was mocking her, but she didn't seem to notice.
"I've just been here and there. I was offered a job at the Ministry, but I didn't take it. You know how the Ministry was the last couple of years. And my sister is in the Order, as you know. I've just been taking small jobs here and there. And I try to keep in touch with Dumbledore, of course. I know you took a job at Hogwarts. You like kids?"
Not particularly, Severus thought.
"I like teaching," he corrected her. She nodded.
"It's a beautiful day out." She looked up at the sky. The sun had set a little bit ago and now the dark sky glittered with sparkling stars way up high, watching over them.
She is, he thought. But although he wanted to think about Rose, he was now drifting off to think about Lily….
"You cold?" Rose asked him as she saw him shiver.
"Just a bit."
"We can always go to my place, it's just a few blocks down. I moved to Muggle London about a year ago. I was thinking about baking something tonight."
Severus hesitated. He knew she wanted him to come over to her apartment and spend some more time together. But Severus couldn't, he didn't have any desire to be with her tonight….
"No, I should be getting back…." He looked down at the pavement and noticed they stopped moving.
"Ok." She looked disappointed. "Well, the offer will always be there."
He muttered something under his breath and started walking off, getting faster and faster. Soon he was jogging, but he didn't know what he was running from. He just had to get away, he couldn't explain it….
-x-
He lay back on his bed, curled up, crying again, weeping his sorrowful eyes out. He betrayed Lily. He loved Lily, but he had betrayed how he loved her, just as he did so many times before….
"If she means that much to you," said Dumbledore, "surely Lord Voldemort will spare her? Could you ask for the mercy of the mother in exchange for the son?"
"I have—I have asked him—"
"You disgust me," said Dumbledore, he had never heard so much contempt in his voice. Snape seemed to shrink a little. "You do not care then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?"
Snape said nothing, but merely looked at Dumbledore.
"Hide them all, then," he croaked. "Keep her—them—safe. Please."
"And what will you give me in return, Severus?"
"In—in return?" Snape gaped at Dumbledore, but after a long moment he said, "Anything."
Snape wept some more. He couldn't bear to see this woman any longer. It hurt him too much. He would just have to deal with life alone again. He had done it before, and he could surely do it now. It was the only hope he had. Because Severus would not see Rose again, no matter how beautiful she was…. He could never love someone as he loved Lily.
I have climbed
highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with
you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have
scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with
you
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I
still haven't found what I'm looking for
I have kissed
harderned lips
Felt the healing fingertips
It burned like a
fire
This burning desire
I have spoken with eternal
angels
I have held the hands of a devil
It was warm in the
night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found what
I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
I
believe in the Kingdom Come
When all the colors will bleed into
one
Bleed into one
Well, yes I'm still running
You broke
the bonds
And you loosened the chains
Carried the cross
Of
all my shame
all my shame
You know I believe it
But I
still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking
for
Song taken from U2 (I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For)
R&R please. Did you like it? I know the chapters are short, but I'm still getting into the mood of this. And I will always have songs at the end, songs that I think will set the mood. Normally I pick the songs out of what I'm listening to when I right the chapter!