A/N: As sad as I am to be close to the end of this story that I am ridiculously attached to, I am still wildly excited to be here. I appreciate y'all's support, more than you know. Every comment makes my day - seriously. And I hope you've enjoyed up to this point. And without further ado, here is the next installment! Happy reading!
—-
White sails and offshore lights, we were passing ships in the night
Now I'm tracing shadows on your back, like I dreamt so many times
Oh, for so long I've been waiting, for so long, for a love like this
And I was so sure, baby, I'd lost you for a minute
But I've always been yours - only yours
Birdy, Quietly Yours
—-
Chapter 38: Lost… And Found
Juliet helped Miles pack a cooler while they waited for James to finish changing and grabbing the towels and sunscreen. They stuffed it with bottled waters and canned beers, along with koozies to help hide the logos.
They were just about finished when James appeared from the hallway carrying an oversized reusable grocery bag filled with towels. "Couldn't find any sunscreen," he announced, and dropped the bag on the island. "Found a foam football though for some reason. It's at the bottom."
Miles nodded and closed the lid on the cooler. "We can get some at Target." He gave James a once over and nodded absentmindedly. James was wearing long black basketball shorts and a fitted green t-shirt. (The ocean was far too cold to swim in, so there was no need for swim trunks.) He looked almost the exact same as Miles, who was wearing all black instead.
"Y'all ready?" James asked, and reached for the handle of the cooler. "I can drive."
"Yep," Juliet agreed, before turning to Miles. "But I need my purse."
Miles looked at her, confused, before finally understanding dawned on his face. "Oh. Right." He walked around the island to the oven and pulled open the drawer beneath it, the one usually reserved for pots and pans. Her purse was squished against a cookie sheet, and he pulled it out and handed it to her triumphantly.
"It's been in there the whole time?" she chastised, glaring daggers at Miles.
"Hey! I improvised, okay? And look - you stayed. So it worked." He rolled his eyes, grabbed the bag of towels, and headed for the door. James grabbed his keys off the keyring, and walked out next, dragging the wheeled cooler behind him.
They made their way down to James's car, loaded it up, and headed to the closest Target, about five minutes away. When they got there, they parked the car and all headed inside. Juliet didn't quite know what she was looking for, but she certainly didn't want to wear jeans to the beach. She supposed she'd know what she needed once she saw it.
While the guys went in search of snacks and sunscreen, Juliet perused the clothing section. Nothing really spoke to her, though she did find a cute pair of sunglasses and a navy blue headband. She already had sandals on, so now all she needed was something loose and comfortable to wear to the beach.
She'd never been much for fashion. Honestly, the last thing she needed was new clothes. Rachel had gone nuts when Juliet had first come home, and purchased enough to give her weeks worth of outfit changes. But she hadn't known they were going to the beach, and therefore she was completely unprepared.
A pair of navy blue cotton shorts caught her eye, covered in darker navy polka dots, and she grabbed her size before trying to find a shirt that matched. When she didn't find anything, she decided to settle for a short sleeved plain white t-shirt instead. The only one they had was a deep v-neck, but she supposed it would have to do. Plus, the outfit would match her new headband she'd found, too. Her hair was too short to really put into a ponytail, and she didn't want the wind whipping it around her face all day.
Satisfied with what she'd picked out, Juliet looked around some more and found a ring toss game in the outdoor section. She picked it up, holding it to her chest fondly. It reminded her of when they'd tried playing horseshoes on the beach, back on the island. It made her smile, and that was enough to convince her to add it to her basket.
When she went to the checkout line, she found that the guys had already paid and were waiting for her. They seemed deep in conversation, and hardly noticed when she walked up to them after she was done.
"...you're crazy!" she heard Miles shriek, and then James elbowed him in the ribs.
"Got whatcha need, Blondie?" James asked with a dimpled grin, and Juliet nodded, completely suspicious.
"I'm just going to go to the bathroom and change and I'll be right out," she said, her imagination running wild as she tried to figure out what they'd been talking about. But she really hadn't heard enough of it to make heads or tails of it. Pushing it out of her mind, Juliet left them behind to go change into her new clothes.
"Shut your trap or she'll hear you," James hissed to Miles once she was gone.
"Dude, you can't be serious. There's no way she's gonna go for it."
"I gotta try, man."
"Do you? It's only been a couple days…"
"And she leaves tomorrow!" James gritted out, eyes flashing towards the bathrooms. She wasn't out yet.
Miles rolled his eyes and put his hand to his forehead. "When?"
"I don't know yet."
"Not today, man. I don't want you to make it awkward all day when she says no."
James worked his jaw from side to side. He paused for a new moments before conceding. "Fine. Not today. Tomorrow, I guess."
"Gonna have to be," Miles agreed, and let out a heavy sigh. "I just hope you know what you're doing."
"I don't."
"Well, that's great. Just great."
"What's great?" Juliet said as she rejoined them. James couldn't help himself - he gave her a lingering once over that immediately set his heart racing in his chest. She looked… adorable. Her long, lean legs were just as he remembered them, and the v-neck of her shirt gave him a peek into what was beneath. It wasn't a scandalous dip, but it was enough. But the best part was the wide navy blue headband pushing back her hair from her face. It was the color of her eyes, and it made them stand out in stark contrast to the paleness of her face. She was beautiful.
"Miles here agreed to foot the bill for dinner," James said, though it felt like he had peanut butter in his mouth. Juliet noticed and tilted her head inquisitively to the side.
"Oh?"
James shot a menacing look at Miles, who rolled his eyes again and nodded. "Yep. Got tons of money - I can handle buying a few burgers."
Juliet pursed her lips together in consternation, but nodded slowly and started to lead the way back to the car. It would seem she was satisfied with Miles's answer, and James let out a heavy breath in relief.
They hit some traffic as they drove to the beach, but made it there just after one p.m. They unloaded the car - Juliet carrying the bag of snacks, James lugging the cooler, and Miles carrying the towels.
They made it to the line where the grass met the sand, and Juliet paused. Miles kept walking, but James noticed. He turned around and watched her, knowing exactly what was flitting through her mind.
"It ain't the same," he said, and Juliet looked up at him. "I know it feels the same, but it ain't. Look around," he commanded gently, and she did. They were surrounded by people - families, groups of teenagers, couples. But people nonetheless. "We ain't on the island anymore, sweetheart."
Juliet flashed him a grateful, albeit tentative smile. When she didn't move, he let go of the cooler and walked over to her. He held out his hand, and Juliet felt her chest tighten in gratitude.
They were doing this together. She could do this.
She took his hand, and stepped onto the warm sand. Memories assailed her, but she forced them out. She didn't want to remember. Not now. She wanted to be present, here in Santa Monica, with her friends.
They caught up with Miles, who'd found them an empty spot close to the water's edge. James let go of the cooler and plunked down onto the sand, not bothering to lay out a towel. Miles fished out the foam football and started tossing it into the air. Juliet, finally ready to take the full plunge, toed off her sandals and walked to the water's edge.
The midday sun was glistening over the blue surface, and the shrieks of children and seagulls filled the air. She inhaled the briny scent and let it fill her, the way it used to. Slowly, she walked forward, until just the very tip of a wave cascaded over her toes. Then she took another step, and another, until she was up to her ankles and her calves were covered in goosebumps.
Despite herself, tears began to well in her eyes.
Jin and Sun had died in this ocean.
As if sensing her thoughts, Miles walked up beside her, looking out into the distance. His eyes flicked momentarily to her face, and then he did something that took Juliet completely by surprise. He slipped his hand into hers. She gasped, and looked over at him. His eyes were shining too.
In seconds, James had appeared on her left, and she felt his warm, rough hand sliding against her skin too. He laced his fingers through hers, as opposed to Miles, whose palm just rested loosely against hers. And it was surreal - looking out over the Pacific together, knowing how much of their lives had been spent somewhere else out there, in the same ocean.
"We miss you, Jin," Juliet whispered, and she was grateful for the noise surrounding them. She knew only Miles and James would be able to hear her.
"Hell yeah we do," Miles agreed, and kicked his foot out into the water, sending a splash out just as another wave collapsed.
"Ain't the same without ya, buddy," James added, looking down at his feet.
Juliet licked her lips and finalized their tribute: "I'm glad you were finally reunited with Sun. I'm sure she missed you just as much as you missed her. You belonged together. You were soulmates. And I hope, wherever you are, that you're happy and living the lives you deserved." She wasn't much of a believer in the afterlife, but for their sakes, she hoped it existed.
Miles tucked the ball into his armpit so he could reach up a hand to start biting his nails. James, on the other hand, squeezed Juliet's hand so hard, it began to hurt. But she didn't complain. She knew this was hard for him. Not only because of Jin, but because he was near her like this. But she didn't know how to make it any better for him. She'd been clear about what she wanted, and that was all she could do. He seemed to be respecting her boundaries so far, but he'd been very clear about how he felt, too.
For a long moment, they just stood there - holding hands, and staring out at the ocean. But then Juliet got an idea.
"Will you guys take a picture with me? The lighting is beautiful, and I want something to take home with me. A memento."
Miles reached into his pocket. He pulled out his fancy new phone, swiped and clicked a few times on the glass surface, and then handed it to James. "You've got the longest arms, dude."
James took it and reached his arm out. He didn't know what he was doing, but he could see the three of them in the frame. They squished in together, with Juliet still in the middle, and smiled softly for the camera. James clicked the button, and the photo was saved.
"Thanks," she murmured, and stared down at the photo in James's hand. "It's perfect." She took Miles's phone and sent the photo to herself and to James, and then handed the phone back to Miles. "Now… you guys ready to have some fun?" she asked, grinning at them.
"Hell yeah!" Miles shouted, and tossed her the football. He slipped the phone back into his pocket, and the day of fun began.
—-
Miles, James, and Juliet spent the next several hours tossing the football, playing the ring toss game, talking, and relaxing in the sand. Despite the breeze blowing in from the water, the air was warm and inviting, and Juliet felt like her soul had been scrubbed clean by it.
While the guys chomped on potato chips beside her, talking about basketball, Juliet laid on her stomach on her towel, reading her book. She got to the last page, closed it, and sighed. She hated open-ended endings. She wanted conclusions, where everything was wrapped up in a perfect bow. But she supposed it was okay. It seemed to be a happy ending at least, and for that she was grateful. She'd had enough sadness for a while.
She moved her book to the side, and crossed her arms, lying her cheek down on top of her forearm. She bent her knees and kicked up her bare feet, letting gravity do the rest.
"Nuh uh, no sleeping! We're going to the amusement park soon!" Miles complained, and tossed the foam ball at her ass.
"Hey now! Leave her ass alone," James chastised, and pushed Miles over into the sand. Juliet rolled onto her back and sat up, and James felt his neck flush. He'd been given a decent view of that ass before Miles went and ruined it.
"It's too relaxing. If we stay any longer, I will most definitely be napping," she said with a dreamy smile. Miles stood up and tossed back the rest of his beer. He crumpled the can, deposited it back into the cooler, and then reached for his towel.
"Alright then. Up and at 'em. We got rides to ride."
"And then dinner," James added, trying to burp covertly. He put his own empty beer can into the cooler and followed Miles's lead.
"Yeah, fat ass. Then dinner."
They cleaned up, deposited their things into James's car, and walked down to the pier. The loud music and bright, flashing lights made Juliet feel like a kid again. Everywhere she looked there were food vendors, street performers, and kids running around. It felt less like an amusement park and more like a carnival. She grinned, excited to see what all it had to offer.
Miles purchased their tickets, and instinctively headed straight for the rollercoaster. Upon arriving at the line to get on, James and Juliet both shot each other knowing looks.
"What?" Miles asked, feeling out of the loop of their silent conversation.
"We've never ridden a roller coaster before," Juliet said, slowly and distractedly. She looked up at the looping tracks above her with a mixture of awe and terror.
"What, never?" Miles scoffed. Juliet nodded. "That's crazy!"
"It ain't like comin' to a place like this was ever high on my priority list," James snipped defensively, and followed Juliet's gaze above their heads.
"Oh come on. This isn't bad! It's small, compared to most!"
Juliet shrugged and took a small step backwards, as if to keep herself out of the coaster's thrall. "I don't know… can we ride something else?"
Miles shook his head. "Nuh uh. Don't be such a fraidy cat. It's harmless. Look - kids are getting on it!" He shoved his thumb to the right where, it was true, elementary aged kids were getting in line.
"Hey, don't push her," James bit out, and stepped up to join Miles. "It's okay, Jules. You can wait for us here."
She cocked her head to the side and eyed him curiously. "You're going to do it?"
James forced his lips into a smile. "Guess so. First time for everything, right?"
Juliet considered. She replayed the day, and to be frank, the whole trip so far, in her mind. James had been the one to apologize to her first. James had been the one to suggest they talk, really talk, and she was grateful that they did. He'd helped her overcome her anxieties of being back on the beach, and now here he was, yet again, respecting her wishes not to ride.
It made her feel something - a kind of tingling in her belly. It felt like… gumption. Excitement, even. He made her feel like she was in control here, and in turn that made her feel less afraid.
He'd never ridden one of these either. And now he was going to, without her. If she was being totally honest with herself, she didn't like that very much.
"No, actually… I think I'll go," she said, resolute in her decision. She stepped around Miles and headed for the line, before she lost her nerve.
"You sure?" James asked, bewildered by her decision.
She looked over her shoulder at him. His eyes looked so green in the early evening sun; they almost sparkled as he looked at her. "Yeah. I'm sure," she said, and tried to give him a reassuring grin.
There were so many things in life she was unsure of, but she did know one thing: if she was ever going to be happy again, truly happy, she needed to make fear take a backseat in her decision making. She'd been fearful enough for a lifetime. This ride would last perhaps two minutes, but at least then she could say she'd done it. And best of all… she would have done it with him.
Just another thing to add to the list of things they'd done for the first time, together. They may not be a couple anymore, but he would always hold a special place in her heart, and she was certain now that she didn't want to lose his friendship.
After only a five minute wait, they boarded the ride. They strapped in, took deep breaths, and gripped each other's hands with ferocity as the car inched away from the gate. They were scared, there was no denying that, but at least they'd be facing it together.
—-
After the ride ended, they exited the car, still breathless. But they were both grinning wildly. Juliet's throat hurt from screaming, but it had been worth it.
The adrenaline from overcoming that fear had fueled her, lighting some kind of fire inside her that she didn't even know existed. It took almost an hour, but they rode every single other ride suitable for adults, including the plunging tower ride. (Understandably, that had been the only one that James had skipped.)
The final ride of the night, just as the sun was sinking down low over the water, was the ferris wheel. Miles claimed he wanted to be alone and not have to talk to anyone, but James had a sneaking suspicion that he was just trying to give them their space. He wasn't sure if he was grateful for it or not, because when they climbed into the empty cart, just the two of them, his heartbeat became erratic, and suddenly he was painfully nervous again. Despite having the best day and not being weird around her at all, he suddenly felt his mouth go dry and all rational thought took a nosedive out of his brain.
"Fun day, huh?" she asked lightly as the car began to move.
"Mmmhmm," he agreed, and forced himself to look out over the water rather than at her.
"Thank you, for earlier," she added. "Coming back to the beach was… odd."
"Don't mention it." He made the mistake of looking back at her, just as the car cleared the water line in the distance. The sky was deep blue behind her, tinged with purples and oranges. She looked stunning, and the sight took his breath away.
He blinked, trying to regain control of his body, but she was just too damn beautiful.
He almost kissed her. He would have, if the situation were different. If he hadn't destroyed her, he'd sit beside her and wrap one arm around her shoulder. He'd pull her in close, plant a kiss on the top of her head, and breathe in deep. After a moment, he'd tilt her chin towards him, place the lightest of kisses on the tip of her nose, and then another soft one on her lips. He'd then deepen the kiss, and pull her in towards his chest. He'd taste her, and savor the feel of her, before letting go, if only just to look into those beautiful blue eyes up close.
But he couldn't do those things. She'd made herself and her wants very clear. So, he forced himself to look away. Again.
"I've had a good weekend. Despite… you know. Everything. I think Miles was right. I think we needed this." She followed James's gaze, past him and out towards the water. His body was turned slightly away from her, as if he couldn't even look at her. She supposed it was because he wanted to take advantage of the view, and she couldn't fault him for that. Still, it felt weird, talking to his side.
"Good," James agreed, but it felt flat.
"I'm excited to go back home, but… it'll be sad to leave, too."
"I'm sure they'll be happy to have ya back."
Juliet pursed her lips together, and the car gave a little sway as they reached the very top of the ferris wheel. The view was spectacular - not only because of the vast ocean and the gorgeous sunset, but because all the businesses were turning on their lights, as far as the eye could see. It felt magical, being this high. She wanted to commit this moment to her memory.
"I'm sure they will. But… Rachel knew it was important for me to come. And why it was important for me to stay."
James flashed her a look over his shoulder. Something akin to disappointment, perhaps? But his head turned back towards the water before she could analyze it.
"Right. Closure."
"Right," she agreed under her breath, almost hating the way the words sounded coming out of his mouth. With such… finality. "I think this has been good for us, don't you?"
James huffed a short laugh and dipped his head slightly towards his lap. She saw a small smile on his lips, and wondered what on earth he was thinking about. "Yeah. I think so."
Juliet didn't know what to say to that. They were talking now - as friends! How could that not be good enough for him, considering where they started? He was lucky she was even still in town, given that her first instinct was to leave and never look back.
But she didn't want to fight. Not now, when everything felt peaceful and perfect. "You think you and Miles will come out and visit me someday?" she asked, trying to keep her voice level and uninterested. She didn't want him to know how much she cared about his answer, just in case he said no.
For a while, James didn't answer her. She almost repeated her question, but just as the car started coming back down, he finally responded. "I sure hope so, Juliet."
Her heart swelled inside her chest, and she smiled. "Because I'd like that, you know…"
James finally looked back at her, and they locked eyes. For several long seconds, he said nothing, until finally he grinned and said, "I'd like that too."
They spent much of the rest of the ride in silence, both quietly admiring the view. Every so often, he would look over at her, or she would look at him. But neither had anything else of importance to say. James kept his heart to himself, certain now that she would deny him. And this moment felt too precious to risk the rejection.
He thought about what he'd talked to Miles about in Target. He supposed he still had some time to decide - whether he was going to ask his question or not. He didn't have much time, but now was definitely not that moment.
Eventually, the ride ended and they got off, meeting Miles at the exit. They walked back to the start of the pier, and Miles directed them to the restaurant a few blocks away.
Once seated at the booth, James sat beside Juliet, if only so he didn't have to look at her for a while. Idly, he wondered how long he was going to associate her with sunsets, and endings, and finality. He wondered if it was going to be for the rest of his life. The thought made him nauseous.
—-
Once back at the apartment, James and Juliet went and showered first - Juliet to Miles's bathroom, and James to his. Miles made the decision to shower once he got back to his hotel. (Apparently, he wanted to get his money's worth of the fancy amenities.)
He had the television on when each of them returned, hair still damp and dressed in comfortable pajamas. "Ooh, Friends!" Juliet commented, and plopped down in the center of the couch, between Miles and James. She tucked her feet beneath her, sitting cross-legged, and snagged the blanket she'd been using the last few days. "I used to watch this a lot before…" She trailed off, but she didn't need to finish.
"I'm surprised you had time to watch any TV," James commented, and stuck one foot up on the coffee table, stretching out his leg. "Makin' babies all day long and all."
She shot him a haughty look, ignoring the double entendre. "I didn't. But this was always on late, so by the time I got home, it was one of the only things on that was worth watching. I haven't seen many episodes, but it always made me laugh."
James arched an eyebrow and nodded, happy to be learning something new about her. Miles shushed them, and they all watched the rerun in silence. Every once in a while, Juliet would giggle, and it made James incredibly happy to hear the sound again. After all, he thought he never would again before this weekend.
After the episode ended, Miles switched the channel to basketball, which Juliet loudly complained about. They compromised and put on another movie, a chick flick from the 90s. James hardly bothered watching. Instead, his focus was on her. Because of course it was. He paid attention to every little detail - the way she bit her lip at the romantic parts, the way she pressed her knuckles to her mouth when she laughed, and the way she leaned forward when things got dramatic.
This might be the last time he got to see her for a while. Time felt fleeting, and his body was screaming at him to savor this. The closeness with her… it wasn't going to last.
Eventually, Juliet started to get tired. He could tell because of the way she started slumping towards Miles, who she was sitting closer to. After several minutes of dozing, Juliet's eyes stayed closed, and her head landed squarely on Miles's shoulder.
He shot James a desperate look. "Help," he mouthed, and pointed at Juliet. He scrunched up his nose like he was uncomfortable, and James held up a hand, signaling for him to wait.
"Give her a second to really fall asleep," he whispered, and Miles nodded. He may have been uncomfortable, but he didn't want to wake her either. She seemed exhausted.
After ten minutes, James gave Miles the thumbs up. Gently, Miles slid out from beneath Juliet, and James helped ease her down onto her side. She didn't even stir, and Miles stretched and rolled his shoulders. "I'm out," he whispered, and nodded his head towards the door. "I'll be back tomorrow morning but I dunno what time."
"That's fine. We'll see ya then."
Miles nodded and tiptoed around the coffee table. He grabbed his keys and exited the apartment, closing the door gently behind him.
Now James was left with a conundrum. If she slept on the couch, she probably wouldn't sleep well, and she needed to be functioning to travel back home tomorrow. On the other hand, he was loath to wake her up. A few years ago, he might've been strong enough to carry her to Miles's room, but he wasn't sure he wanted to test his strength at his age.
In the end, after a minute of deliberation, he decided to leave her be. She seemed comfortable enough. He picked up the blanket that had slumped into her lap and stretched it out over top of her. He pushed the thermostat back up so she wouldn't get too cold, and grabbed a pillow from Miles's room. Carefully, he placed the pillow most of the way under her head, and made sure she was fully covered.
He then went back to his bedroom and got ready for bed. He was tired too, and couldn't wait to crawl under the covers and pass out. It had been a busy day, but a fun one, and he was glad they'd done it. Riding that coaster with Juliet had been exhilarating, and he was grateful she hadn't noticed his gentle nudging. He knew she'd say yes to riding it, the moment he did. She just needed him to take the first step. It had worked like a charm, and she'd seemed all the happier for it.
As he settled in, his thoughts drifted further back, to how they'd started their day. Their "talk" had been fine. Half argument, half conversation, he'd say. But it was better than the first one. And he'd learned… Well, he'd learned a lot. Things he almost wished he didn't know. It gave him a tight, burning sensation every time he thought about what she'd told him. So he squeezed his eyes shut and pushed the thought deep, deep down, where he wouldn't think about it anymore. He couldn't even fathom going through that alone. It made him sick to even consider.
Self-hatred slowly began to replace the sympathy for her. Because he'd been the cause of that, hadn't he? One way or another.
No, don't go there, he told himself, and clenched his fists. He needed to stop, before he actually made himself hurl.
Focus on the positive, he tried instead. He'd never, ever been good at that, but as he'd said earlier today: There's a first time for everything, isn't there?
So what about today had been positive? He thought back to the beginning. The fight had been awful, yes, but she'd held his hand (a few times, actually), and she'd hugged him. That was most definitely progress. She'd kissed him back when he'd kissed her; though, she hadn't seemed too pleased about it after she came to her senses.
But most of all, she'd smiled at him - a lot. She'd thanked him, and said she'd had a good weekend. Surely, that was success, right? Given how they'd started?
But she still wanted closure. And she'd said so, multiple times. She'd indicated the most they'd ever be again was friends, and no amount of good deeds on his part was ever going to change that. And though he couldn't blame her for closing herself off to the idea of getting back together, it didn't change how desperate he was for a second chance.
After what felt like ages of going around in circles in his mind, he finally felt himself begin to drift off. In his head, he clung to the image of her bright blue eyes silhouetted by the sunset, her short, golden hair fluttering in the breeze. He knew she was looking past him, out to the water beyond, but in his mind he told himself she was looking at him, instead. It brought him comfort, and soon he fell fast asleep.
—-
When Juliet woke, she felt stiff and disoriented. She looked around the room, and realized she was still on James and Miles's couch. The clock on the wall read that it was just after midnight, so she must have only been asleep for a couple hours.
She rose, trying to piece together what had happened. She didn't quite remember falling asleep, but it came back to her in fragments. They'd been watching a movie. And then she had a vague memory of James putting a pillow under her head. When she turned to the side, the pillow was still there, though it must have slipped out from under her neck as she'd slept.
She was also covered in a blanket, which she assumed James had also put there. Suddenly, his thoughtfulness hit her like a Mack truck, and she placed a hand over her chest reflexively.
Something about him had been different this weekend. She wasn't sure if guilt was just driving him to be as accommodating as possible, as he attempted to get back into her good graces, or if maybe he just genuinely cared about making sure she was okay. Sure, he'd been grumpy and defensive when she first got there, but she couldn't blame him for that. She'd been upset too.
She stood, deciding to head back to Miles's bedroom. But as she passed by James's door…
Something flickered to life inside her, stopping her in her tracks. She was suddenly struck with longing, so fierce and so overwhelmingly out of the blue, that she staggered back a little, pressing her back against the hallway wall.
He'd taken care of her, and it felt so nice to have that again. They'd had so much fun earlier that day, that it had almost felt like old times. For just a little while, she'd been able to forget everything he'd put her through, and that felt significant.
She'd thoroughly enjoyed his company, she realized, and nostalgia completely encompassed every cell in her body. She longed for how things used to be, but also… She just missed him. So, so much. He'd not only been her lover, but her best friend, too. He'd comforted her, made her laugh, made her feel desired and treasured - it was no wonder part of her ached to have that again. But the rational part of her still argued: what about closure?
She reached out and ran her fingers lightly over his door handle. She'd been telling herself all weekend that she wanted closure. And maybe she still did (she definitely still did). But what did that even mean, anyway? Closure didn't look the same to everyone.
She thought about how it felt, being held by him the night before. How she'd felt safe and secure, and valued in a way she'd always appreciated with James. Part of her hated herself for lingering here, straddling the precipice between holding her ground and giving in to her subconscious desires.
Because she knew - there was no way she couldn't know - that she still loved him. She supposed it wasn't really a secret. She'd always loved him, even before they'd gotten together. And she'd loved him ferociously these last two months, even if she hadn't wanted to. Even if she'd wished the feelings could be cut out of her like a cancer, because they were ruining her life.
She turned the knob, knowing she never really had a choice in the matter. Not really. She'd been under his thrall for years, and his tenderness this weekend was just pulling her back in, hard. Whether he meant to or not.
And surprisingly, she was okay with this choice. She knew she could turn around and leave, any time it got to be too much. But as she tiptoed into the room and shut the door behind her, she knew she'd be here til morning. She told herself: It's just one night, and then you'll say goodbye. He'll understand.
After all, doesn't goodbye come in many different forms?
She knew she wasn't being fair to him. She knew how he felt, and what he wanted from her. She knew this would, in all likelihood, just make it that much harder to leave tomorrow - for both of them. But she couldn't help it. She felt selfish, and as she slipped beneath the covers on her side of the bed, she begged him in her mind to understand.
She also made a deal with herself: If he asked her to leave, she would. But if he didn't? Then they'd have this gift: one last night with one another - and in her mind, a proper goodbye.
—-
James awoke to a weight in his bed that was not his own. It shifted, getting comfortable, before pressing up behind him.
Juliet was in his bed. Again.
He froze briefly, savoring the familiarity of the moment, but then he turned, facing her instead. He needed to see her, to convince himself he wasn't dreaming. Her big eyes looked back up at him, almost glittering in the darkness, and he knew she was really there. And it had been her choice to do so.
"What're you doin' here?" he whispered, and her eyes flickered briefly to his lips. It felt like an invitation, but he didn't act on it. Not yet.
"I don't know," she whispered back slowly, and it felt true. Part of him wanted to smile, because clearly she was still just as drawn to him now as she once was, but the other part of him felt sad that she seemed to be here against her own better judgment.
For a long while, they just stared at each other in the darkness, not saying anything further on the subject. Unable to help himself, James rested his palm on her hip beneath the blankets. She drew in a deep breath through her nose, but otherwise didn't blink.
After a moment, she shut her eyes and pressed her face into his neck. She inhaled deeply, and something burst to life inside James's chest. He wrapped his arm around her back and pulled her in close, stroking her hair, her upper back - anything he could touch. Juliet responded in kind, and ran her palm along his lower back, giving him goosebumps and tingles all over his body.
The match was lit, and James felt himself growing hard at her ministrations. He knew she could feel it, as she was pressed up against the length of him, but she didn't seem to mind. In fact, her hand skirted the top edge of his boxers and skimmed up his stomach to his chest. She seemed to want to touch every inch of him that she could find, too.
James was confused. Hadn't she gone on and on about how she wanted to move on? She'd never given him any inclination that she wanted to get back together. She'd had ample opportunity to, but something about this felt different.
And that's when it hit him. It hurt, deep in his soul, when he realized. She wasn't doing this because she wanted to get back together. She was saying goodbye. He knew her well enough by now to know - this was her way of letting him go, to tie up this last loose end.
He pulled back, and used his hand to stop hers. He propped himself up on one elbow and stared down into her face, eyebrows pinched together in concern. "Juliet…" he started to say, but the flicker of movement in her eyes made him stop. Her face crumpled. She looked heartbroken.
"Do you want to stop?" she whispered softly, and James almost laughed. He'd just been about to ask her that.
Did he want to stop? He looked down at her, as she intently stared back up at him. Time seemed to stretch on for ages as he thought about it. He'd be a fool not to take this opportunity; not just because it was sex, and not even because it was sex with the love of his life, but God only knew if he'd ever have this opportunity again with her. The grief written on her face suggested that he was right in his assumption, and that was devastating to James.
But wouldn't this make letting her go all that much more difficult for him? Wouldn't this feel like a slow, painful death - tempting himself with her presence, just to have her ripped away from him come morning? Could he handle that kind of loss, again?
But then again… it was Juliet. The love he had for her was unlike anything he'd ever experienced before. He'd walk barefoot through the pits of Hell if it meant making her happy. And perhaps, the masochistic side of him longed for this kind of heartbreak. After all, didn't he deserve it, ten-fold, for what he'd done to her?
She said she'd forgive him someday, as long as he could forgive himself. But he didn't see that happening anytime soon.
He lifted his hand from hers, and stroked her cheek. She closed her eyes, seemingly melting into his touch. And he knew. There was no saying no to this woman. He'd do anything she asked of him. No matter what it did to his own heart.
He leaned down, pressing his lips to her forehead. He lingered for a moment, smelling her hair. He wanted to breathe her into his lungs forever, but he only had tonight. He needed to make it count.
When he moved his lips to her mouth, she was ready for him. She parted her lips and drew him in, pulling his head down towards her. He groaned, and pressed himself closer to her on reflex. She responded in kind by hoisting her leg and draping it over his hip, seemingly just as desperate for contact as he was. But he wasn't going to let this end quickly. He was going to give himself fully to this moment, but also try his damndest to make it last as long as he could.
He ran his hand up and down the back of her thigh, holding her leg in place. But then, he pushed her hip back down and settled himself between her legs. Gently, he lifted her t-shirt and planted sweet, slow kisses along her belly. With one arm supporting his weight, his other hand brushed against the bottom of her ribcage, making her shiver.
He inched his way up, further and further, until her shirt was bunched around her collarbones and her bralette was exposed. It was loose enough to pull down, and he looked her in the eye as he pulled each breast from the soft fabric.
Carefully, as if handling something precious and fragile, he ran the tip of his thumb along one of her nipples. She sucked in a quick breath, that quickly became hard pants, as he lowered his mouth and swirled his tongue along the sensitive skin. She arched her hips, but he rose up on his elbow and angled away, where she could find no release.
After a few moments, he switched his attention to the other breast, and Juliet wove both hands through his hair. She scratched her nails across his scalp as he changed his technique to a gentle suction, and she closed her eyes and moaned at the sensation.
He didn't argue when she pulled at him, trying to bring him up to her lips. He nibbled and sucked at her bottom lip, giving it the same treatment. Again, she rose up to meet him, and he pushed her back down.
Her hands briefly abandoned the back of his neck, so she could pull off her shirt and bralette. With trembling fingers, she pulled hard at his own shirt until he ducked his head, helping her take it off. She pulled him back down to her once it was on the floor, and sighed at the skin to skin contact of his chest on hers. He grinned - he knew this was one of her favorite things - and pressed himself down to her, moving from her lips to the side of her neck. He cradled her breast in his hand and squeezed, just as he licked just underneath her earlobe.
"James…" she moaned, and it was like music to his ears. He would have killed to have the chance to make her say his name like that again, and now here he was. It sparked something in him, and he attacked her lips with renewed vigor. His tongue dipped inside her mouth, and he felt her relax against him. He kissed her until they were both breathless, and he had no choice but to pull away.
He kissed her everywhere he could - her neck, her collarbones, her breasts, her stomach. He revisited her nipples until she was pushing him aside, eyes completely dark with need. She shoved him, hard, and for a moment James thought she was stopping this. But she wasn't. She pushed him onto his back and straddled him, putting all her weight onto his shoulders so he couldn't move.
Her eyes closed as she ground herself against him, and James was reminded just how good this always was with her. She knew just the right amount of pressure, and he had no control over the groan that escaped him as they moved together. As much as he wanted to remove her pajama bottoms and his own boxers, he had to restrain himself. This needed to last.
Leaning down, Juliet showed James the same treatment. Her tongue flicked against his nipples, making goosebumps erupt all over his body. She ran her hands up and down his chest, and after a while he began trembling. He pulled her face to his and kissed her, trying to pour every ounce of love he had for her into his kiss alone.
He wondered if she could feel it, and if she could, if it was enough to make her change her mind about them.
All rational thought ceased to exist as she lifted herself up, moved further down his thighs, and stuck her hand down the front of his boxers. She took him in her hand and released him from the fabric, and the trembling returned.
She moved her hand, slowly but determinedly, and all he could do was groan out her name. Even after all this time, she knew him. She knew what he liked and what pace drove him crazy. She knew his reactions and how to turn his brain into jelly. When she ran the tip of her thumb along the tip of him, his hips bucked, but she stayed right there with him, leaning more of her weight onto the hand keeping his chest down.
He felt dizzy with wanting her, and he was so hard it hurt. He only let her have her way with him for a few more minutes before it became too much, and he gripped her wrists in his hands. Deftly, he picked her up and flipped her over so that she was on her back. As she readjusted her position, he pulled off his boxers and threw them to the floor.
He looked up at her, and placed both hands on her hips. He saw pure desire written all over her face, and her lips parted in anticipation. While keeping eye contact, he tugged down her pajamas and underwear, slid them off her legs, and threw them on top of his boxers.
Tenderly, he leaned over top of her and placed a gentle kiss on her sternum. He trailed kisses down her stomach, and then pressed even more to the bones of her hips. He could feel her back arching, desperate for him, but he didn't give in. Not yet. He licked the curves of her waist and the swells of the bottoms of her breasts. He needed her to need this. To need him. And it would seem it was working, because she was squeaking out his name; in a sense, begging for him, and it was enough.
Roughly, he spread her knees apart and looked up at her once more. She was biting her lip, and lifting her hips in earnest. He kissed the insides of her thighs, but only for a few moments before he finally gave her what she needed.
When his tongue dipped inside her, Juliet cried out and gripped the sheets beside her. James felt his own eyes roll back into his head as he tasted her once again, and it all came rushing back to him, returning like muscle memory. He knew exactly what she liked and how hard she liked it. He knew which sounds meant she wanted it more forceful, and which movements meant he needed to slow down and be more gentle. He reached around her thighs and gripped her hips firmly in his hands, and he went to work.
He could do this all night, if she let him, but he must have been too engaged because after a while, she was rolling her hips with him, making him go faster. He gave her what she was looking for and she came so hard, her hips rose up off the bed, her cries echoing around the bedroom. He sent a silent apology to his neighbors and, deciding he couldn't wait any longer, rose back up above her. She was still coming down from her high as he slipped inside her, and this time they both cried out.
Time stopped.
It felt like fitting in the last puzzle piece, and seeing the final product. It felt like the best meal he'd ever had, or how it felt hearing her laugh. It felt like smooth, aged whiskey or driving with the windows down on a warm day.
It felt like coming home.
He stopped, letting her adjust to the length of him. She was trembling and clawing at his bare back, pressing into the backs of his thighs with her calves. "Please," she whispered, and James reached for her. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight as he pumped into her, again and again. She whined and groaned, and her enthusiasm only spurred him on. He wanted to take his time - God, did he want to take his time - but this woman was a goddess, a goddess who needed him, and he was weak to her thrall.
He kissed her, and she shoved her tongue into his mouth. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kept him close to her. He was delirious with how good it felt, and how much he'd missed this - missed her.
He loved her so fucking much. He'd never loved anyone like he loved her. He'd do anything, absolutely anything, for her, and he wanted her to know it. He gripped her hip with one hand, keeping her stable, and he rolled his hips against hers, over and over. He wanted to feel her come around him, and he knew he could make it happen.
When she eventually began to tremble, he knew she was going to come again, and this only spurred him on. He focused on mundane things, anything to keep himself from falling over the edge himself. And it was enough, because it wasn't long before she began panting and meeting him stroke for stroke. Her whines climbed higher and higher until finally, she groaned out his name again and he could feel it - every muscle contracted around him, and he grinned against her neck as she threw her head back in ecstasy.
When she was done, he stopped his motions and whispered, "I don't have a condom." Because why would he? He hadn't been with anyone since her. He hadn't even remotely started thinking about dating again, not while he was still grieving everything he'd lost.
"I don't care," she moaned back, and tightened her calves, driving him back inside her. James's eyes rolled back into his head and without another word, he began to pump into her, furiously.
He thought about everything he'd ever done wrong. Every way he'd ever hurt her. Every mistake - big or small - and how stupid he'd been.
Because she loved him more than all of that. Otherwise, she wouldn't be here. This just proved, beyond anything James may have believed about her current feelings towards him, that there was most definitely still love there. He could feel it, in every gentle way she touched him, or every soft kiss, pressed against his favorite places. She knew him, and he knew her, and there was no way she didn't still love him - despite everything. He just knew it.
When he finally came, he might have actually seen stars. It took several quick thrusts and several long seconds for him to finally feel finished. It had been built up for so long, and now he felt like every nerve ending in his body was on fire.
He was too exhausted to move. He collapsed on top of her, but she didn't mind. She crossed her arms across his shoulders and tucked him against her chest. She kissed the top of his head three times, and James could have cried. Right then and there. He knew what that meant, even if she was unwilling to say the words out loud. He knew.
After several long moments of just allowing her to hold him, he finally slipped out of her. They both groaned, and Juliet took a deep breath before slipping away to the bathroom. It gave James just enough time to clean himself off with the tissues on his nightstand and get the blankets back in order.
When she came back, her face was expressionless. James opened the covers on her side of the bed, and she slipped into them without another word. She laid on her side, facing him, and when she didn't smile… that was when reality came crashing back down over James's head.
"Thank you," she whispered, and her eyes drifted down, away from James's face. She seemed to be staring at his pillow instead, as if she was unable to look him in the eye. James swallowed, and his stomach clenched the moment he saw her frown. "That was the perfect way to say goodbye."
James felt his jaw drop. He didn't know what to say. He should have seen this coming, but that tiny flicker of hope had sparked to life inside his chest. Despite his better judgment, he'd thought: maybe. Though he was certain that she still loved him, it would seem this really was goodbye after all. His initial instinct had been right, even though he'd wanted more than anything to be wrong.
He'd waited so long for her to be back in his arms, and just as he'd expected, she was going to be ripped away from him yet again. All he'd ever wanted in life was a love like this - and now he was certain that he'd never have it again if it wasn't with her. And it was all his fault.
He just hoped she couldn't see the heartbreak undoubtedly written on his face, because she had nothing to be sorry for. He deserved this, after all. He deserved every bit of this.
"I'm sorry," he whispered back, because he had nothing else to say. He wasn't sorry they'd had sex, but he was sorry. For everything. He'd never stop being sorry.
She smiled sadly, and finally met his gaze. "I know," she whispered, and placed a hand against the side of his face. She let it linger for only a moment before pulling it away and snuggling back down into the bed.
Instinctively, James wrapped her up in his arms, pulling her against him. She embraced it, and pressed her face against his collarbone. She sighed, and James could feel her body relax against him.
Despite the burning in his eyes, he didn't cry. He just held her, long after she fell asleep. For as long as he could, he fought sleep himself, not wanting to miss one second of how it felt to hold her. Eventually though, sleep did come. But tonight, James did not dream. Not when everything he could possibly dream about was right there - in his arms. One last time.