Author's note: I don't have a personal blog. But who needs one when I've got author's notes?! And I know you're all just dying to know all the little details of my personal life! So I just wanted to take the time to let you all know that today I got up and had a piece of toast. Then I brushed my teeth. Then I went to the store to buy some fish. And then you threw an octopus at my window! You know Zoidberg, when you talk this way- oh wait. Wrong speech. Hell, wrong fandom! No, what I meant to say was:
Cheeseballs are one of my all time favorite foods. I always seem to meet the most interesting people when I'm around them too. In fact, cheeseballs bring to mind the time I met Bob Barker. Yes indeed, Bob Barker. Star of the most popular morning game show. He's a host, an emcee, and a celebrity all rolled into one. Anyway, eight months ago, it was Tuesday the 17th, I believe, or it might have been the 18th - no, no, it was definitely the 17th, because it was precisely one week after my Aunt Lucretia's birthday, which is the 10th. Aunt Lucretia's quite a woman - loves to cook. She prepares a fabulous War Shu Op - that's a Chinese duck dish. I love Chinese food. I once went to a party where they served Chinese food and cheese balls. Now that was a Catch-22 situation. Catch-22 was a movie, you know. It was long, very long. They say the book was better, but it was a novel, and I never finish reading those things. Of course, a lot of people don't read much nowadays; they watch television. I caught a program on PBS last night - a very good show on chimpanzees in the media. They had a clip of J. Fred Muggs the chimp on the Today Show, but it was Fred's chimpanzee girlfriend that had me stumped. I couldn't remember her name, so I looked it up. Her name was Phoebe B. Beebe. Anyway, as I was saying, eight months ago, Tuesday the 17th, I went downtown on a nice relaxing stroll. I love to relax. In fact, relaxing is a hobby of mine. Some people play golf, others like tennis, horseshoes, bridge, canasta, and other such fancy hobbies. Now another hobby enjoyed by many is knitting. My grandmother was a great knitter -- knitted this sweater I'm wearing. It's red, which is not my favorite color. I prefer mauve or a mustard yellow. Now, don't get me wrong, red is okay for ties and suspenders, but with sweaters I prefer more neutral colors. But when I'm relaxing, I don't care what I wear - long pants, bermuda shorts, t-shirts, or formal attire, you name it - anything goes. Now, on the 17th, during my relaxing stroll, I recall wearing my herringbone jacket, my Laughlin, Nevada souvenir tie, and my charcoal grey slacks - or was it the navy slacks? Oh, I suppose it doesn't really matter, does it? What matters is comfort. You know, I once stayed at a Comfort Inn - warm, cozy, comfortable. I love comfort. It goes along with that pastime of mine - relaxing. Now, for me, there's nothing more relaxing than a nice leisurely stroll like the one I took eight months ago on the 17th. It was a bright, sunny day, which of course is the optimum condition for relaxed strolling. And as I walked along, I found myself humming a haunting melody. I kept humming and humming and humming and humming. I couldn't get the tune out of my head. I racked my brain to come up with the title, but to no avail. You see, I'm not terribly musical - and yet, I'd always wanted to play a musical instrument and be like my musical hero, Leo Sayer. But who can compete with Leo? I think I was just scared I'd fail. Well, I decided right then and there to go buy a musical instrument. So on the particular Tuesday the 17th to which I was referring, I went down to the Sixth Street Musical Emporium to buy a new tambourine, a terribly soothing instrument contrary to popular opinion. And as I was strolling along, I detected a wonderful scent in the morning air. "What could it be?" I asked myself. So I went toward that marvelous scent, distracted by its aroma from my musical mission. The odor was a mix of orchid flowers and bologna, which, of course, is one of the world's most underappreciated luncheon meats - that and pimento loaf. I love a good pimento-loaf-and-mayo sandwich - the more pimentos, the better. Why just the mention of pimentos makes my taste buds stand up and say "Howdy". Now there's an interesting word - "howdy". Is it from "How are you?", or maybe "How ya doing?" "Howdy"'s one of those strange words that really has no origin. I like saying, "How do" more than "Howdy" - more formal, I think - not too flowery. But the flowery aroma of that particular Tuesday morning carried me on my fragrant quest. Now, the smell was actually less bologna and more orchid, the beautiful flower found on the island state of Hawaii. Of course, I wasn't in Hawaii, so I needed to search out the location of the nearest orchid. So, I visited every flower shop in town. Well, to make a long story short, not a single flower shop in town had any orchids in stock, which seemed mighty curious to me. Now, as we all know, curiosity killed the cat, but since I'm not feline, I wasn't too worried. Felines are funny creatures, don't you think? I had a cat once. It used its claws to tear my living room couch to shreds. It was a comfy couch, too - had a sleepaway bed in it with a foam rubber mattress. Now, I bought the couch and the mattress at Levine's department store on Third Avenue the very same afternoon of that relaxing stroll aforementioned. I also bought myself a lovely tambourine on that same shopping expedition. Anyway, I didn't want to pay extra for the delivery of the couch, so I decided to carry the couch home myself. It was quite cumbersome, and getting it through the store's revolving doors was a bit of a challenge. And just as I emerged onto the street, by accident I bumped into a well-dressed man with an orchid in his lapel. It was Bob Barker, and he was eating a bologna-and-cheese-ball sandwich. Well, it's been nice chatting with you. Bye!
Chapter Two: It's a Sue-nami!
"Don't use Expedia, go to Travelocity." Dot ordered as she peered over Yakko's shoulder.
"What? Why?"
"I love those roaming gnome commercials!" She said with a happy bounce.
Yakko raised an eyebrow. "…So instead of picking a product based on its quality you make a decision based on who has the better TV commercial?"
"Yup! It's the American Way! And everyone knows what happens when you deviate from the American Way…"
"…The terrorists win?"
She nodded solemnly. "Yes."
He couldn't help but smirk at her. "Well I guess I wouldn't want something like that hanging over my head. Travelocity it is than."
Wakko wandered over and took a place behind Yakko's other shoulder, partially out of curiosity, but mostly just to get away from Twist.
"So honestly Yakko," He asked. "Are we going to Florida because you want to talk to the writer or because you're looking for an excuse to use our credit card reward points before they expire?"
"Uh… heheh… well…"
Dot grinned. "I so knew it. You never go out of your way to meet any of our other writers and we've had ones do far worse to us than leave us stranded in a plot-free fic."
"Can you blame me though? It's central Florida, tourist trap of the continental U.S. They've got six Disney parks, two Universals, two Sea Worlds, a Bush Gardens, a Space Center, and Miniature Golf."
"We have Miniature Golf here." Dot pointed out in confusion.
"But not Pirate Miniature Golf!"
His sibs eyes went wide with amazed wonder. "Ooooooohhhhhh!!!!!"
"And just like here they've only got two seasons: Summer and January. So we don't even have to worry about figuring out what kind of clothes to pack."
"Faboo." Wakko commented.
"Speaking of packing," Yakko said. "I don't want to have to spend forever checking luggage in. So to save time I was thinking we should all just store our stuff in Wakko's gag bag so we can just carry it on. But first Wakko, I'm going to need you to clean that bag out. Otherwise we'll be spending eternity in airport security."
"I'm on it!" Wakko said cheerfully as he moved to the center of the room and upended his gag bag spiling out the contents. Among the items was eight collectable Star Wars plates, a cactus, a kayak, three abisinian cats, and the entire Broadway cast of 'RENT' who stumbled away looking disconcerted.
"All clean!"
"Okay," Yakko said as he walked over with his printed itenuary. "Here's the game plan. I've got us a flight out of the Burbank Airport at five. We land in Dallas Texas at ten their time. We stay the night and then our next plane leaves at eight-thirty a.m. putting us in Orlando at noon."
The sibs, and Twist, nodded there understanding.
"It's one now," Yakko continued, glancing at his watch. "So we need to pack and get a cab out there as soon as we can. We have to go through post 9/11 security and that might take a while."
With the plan agreed upon the sibs split up to do they're packing. The boys, and Twist, were done very quickly but had to wait for Dot who was having a hard time choosing between three virtually identical pink bathing suits. She eventually decided on the pink one. That accomplished they all placed they're luggage into Wakko's gag bag which he placed, as usual, under his shirt.
"Anyone who has to go potty should go now." Yakko stated giving his brother a pointed look. Sure enough at the word 'potty' Wakko and Twist realized that they had to go immediately and raced off both doing perfectly synchronized potty dances.
Dot could only shake her head. "Wow. They really are a lot alike."
"If they eat alike we're in big trouble. We don't make that kind of money." Yakko pointed out.
When the twins returned they all set off from the watertower. They passed by Ralph who eyed them all warily, except for Twist who he smiled brightly at.
"My Sue sense is tingling." Dot complained as Twist was cheerfully greeted by Minerva, Mindy, Slappy, and Brain.
"Hay, I cnt hlp it f evry1 luvs me :P !" Twist stated primly.
"Hey, I'm supposed to be everyone's favorite!" Dot's left eye twitched as she shrieked.
"Stop fighting you two." Yakko scolded. "Dot, you're adorable. Twist, you're a Sue. Now let's get a cab and get going already!"
Dot looked slightly mollified and jogged ahead to catch up with her oldest brother. Twist just looked offended.
The quartet soon reached the nearby tourist entrence, which led to the guided tour and giftshop. Just outside the entrence was a waiting line of cabs. Yakko reached for the handle of the nearest one but his hand collided with that of another.
"Oh, I am sorry." The woman said, blushing. "I believe you got here first."
Yakko hesitated as he looked at her. She was 5 foot 3, 100 pounds with the body fat index of a triathalon runner. Her legs were as firm and graceful as those of a gazelle. With smooth porcelin skin devoid of a single blemish she looked as if she were sculpted by an angel. Her perfect body was wrapped in a delicate pale blue silk sundress that hugged her in all the right places. Shining golden waves cascaded gently down her back ending just above her waist. They blew in the wind. Around her neck was a little prism pendent, the color of which perfectly offset her deep pristine ocean colored eyes.
And she had a rack you could bounce quarters off of.
"Helloooooo nurse…" Yakko mumbled softly as Wakko also gave the woman an appreciative ogle. She was still blushing slightly and Yakko decided now would be a good time to turn on the charm.
"So," He almost purred. "What's a woman like you doing on a street corner like this?"
The woman's eyes went wide.
"Wow. That did not come out the way I intended."
She giggled. It sounded like tinkling bells.
"What I meant to say was: Where are you headed?"
"Oh, the airport." Her voice was like spun honey.
"Well," Yakko said, regaining his suave grin as Dot rolled her eyes. "It just so happens that we are also headed to the airport. Why don't we just share the cab?"
An enchanting smile spread over her perfectly proportioned face revealing a million gleaming white teeth. "Oh that would be wonderful!"
Yakko opened the door for her and she slid into the cab gratefully. Yakko took the seat next to her and Dot the seat next to him, which left the twins to sit in the third row. Wakko grumbled mutinously. Leave it to Yakko to totally hog the hottie. He was jolted from his thoughts when he realized Twist was staring intently at him.
"What?" He demanded.
"Did u heer me?" She asked.
Wakko blinked. "Hear what?"
"Mi thawtz. I jst snt u a telepathic massage! Did u git it?"
Wakko moaned and buried his face in his hands. This was going to be a long trip.
As the cab pulled away from the curb Yakko noticed that the girl was playing shyly with the liquid silk that was her hair.
"You know, I never even introduced myself. The name's Yakko."
"Three guesses as to why." Dot mumbled before getting sharply elbowed.
"It is a pleasure to meet you Yakko. My name is Milkweed."
Yakko blinked in surprise. Dot just looked confused.
"Milkweed? Like… the plant?" She asked.
"Uh huh, the wonderful plant that provides nourishment to the caterpillar of the glorious Monarch Butterfly. But everyone calls me Milk."
"…Okay…"
"It is cute!" Milk insisted.
Dot turned back towards the window. "If you say so." She said as she shook her head with pity.
Yakko faltered for a few moments completely unsure of what exactly to do with this new piece of information. It was quite an unfortunate name for such a beautiful woman.
"So, uh, …Milk, tell me a little about yourself."
"Well, alright." She said shyly with a cute blush. "I am 17 but I have already graduated college with a degree in writing/acting/singing/dancing/painting/photography/graphic design/computer animation/ and modeling. I was orphaned at the age of nine when my parents Carnival Cruise hit an ice burg and sank." A single tear slid down her cheek. "It was all so very tragic. Afterwards I was sent to live with my aunt whose live-in boyfriend would molest me on an almost nightly basis. But despite it all I am amazingly well adjusted even though I have never been to a psychologist."
"Psychology's highly overrated anyway." Yakko stated. "Our Psychologist thinks our distrust of authority stems from us not having trustworthy authority figures in our early youth. And that we use our zaniness to keep people at an emotional distance so they can't get close enough to hurt us. Which is all just mindless psychobabble, if you ask me."
"Which she didn't." Dot chirped earning herself another elbowing.
"Anyway," Milk said pleasantly as she continued with her narrative. "I am flying to Massachusets to meet with the head of the Salem Acadamy of Witchcraft." She held up the little prism on her necklace. "This pendent has magical powers. It has been in my family for generations. I am hoping the school headmaster can trace its origins and help me find my extended family. Both of my parents were only children, and orphans as well."
"But you said earlier you lived with your aunt." Dot pointed out.
"No I did not."
Dot furrowed her eyebrows. "Yes you did. Like six paragraphs ago."
"I do believe I know my own backstory!"
"Are you even sure you're in the right fandom? You missed the Harry Potter section by a lot. You're in Animaniacs right now."
"I am right where I should be!"
"Ur wasting ur breth!" Twist called from the back seat. "Theyl pik on u jst 4 teh hek ov it! b/c their meen /:-( !"
Deciding that the best course of action would be to just ignore everyone else in the cab at the moment, Milk directed her attention directly at Yakko. She fixed him with an innocent yet flirty look that made his heard race before saying:
"So Yakko, tell me a little about yourself."
"Oh, there's not really much to say…" He said modestly.
"But he'll find something, believe me." Dot muttered. He attempted to elbow her again but she expertly dodged him and stuck out her tongue.
"We're orphans." He continued. "And I'm raising my siblings."
Off Milk's impressed expression he was quick to add: "Just me, alone, unassisted… You know, it's tough being essentially a single parent…"
Wakko, Twist, and Dot simultaneously rolled there eyes.
"But nothing is more rewarding than shaping their young minds and watching them grow…"
Dot had to bite her lip to keep herself from laughing.
"Oh Yakko!" Milk exclaimed as she clutched her hands to her chest. "What you must have gone through! How tough it must have been! And yet you have managed all on your own! You are an amazing brother!"
"I do my best." Yakko said once again adopting a modest tone as he held up a little gold plague that had 'World's greatest brother' embossed on the front.
"That's not a real award, you know." Wakko stated matter of factly.
"He bought that for himself at a mall kiosk." Dot added.
Yakko sent them both scathing looks. "What is your problem?!" He demanded.
"I have a twin I've never met before." Wakko answered.
"And people like her better than me!" Cried Dot as her eye began twitching again. "I'm the cute one! I AM!!!"
"And we'll get that taken care of, but don't take it out on me in the meantime!" Yakko hissed.
After a moment his sibs mumbled "Fine!" under there breaths and he turned back to Milk who appeared completely unfazed.
"I know what it is like, being an orphan." She said. "I never met my parents. They were murdered before I was born."
Yakko frowned. "…What? …Before you were born? How could your parents be murdered before you were born? Wouldn't that make you… not exist?"
"I thought she lost her parents when she was nine." Dot stated.
"No. I just said I have never met them!" Milk stated in frustration.
Dot looked thoughtful. "You seem to be having a hard time keeping your story straight. Are you wanted by the government?"
"No!"
"Witness Protection Program?"
"No!"
"Multiple Personality Disorder?"
"Absolutely not!"
"Pathological liar?"
"Leave her alone, Dot." Yakko ordered with exasperation. Milk gazed at him in grateful adoration. Dot fell silent but continued to look thoughtful.
Milk and Yakko continued to flirt for the rest of the drive. Dot studiously ignored them while Twist continued to try to get an unimpressed Wakko to talk to her telepathically.
When they arrived at the airport it appeared time to go there separate ways. Milk kissed Yakko gently on the cheek before heading for her gate. Yakko and Wakko watched her go, both hypnotized by the delicate swing of her shapely hips.
Yakko sighed. "God she was hot. A bit scattered, but hot."
"Oh, can we just get on with this already?!" Dot demanded.
"Just give us a minute…" Yakko said as the distant figure of Milk turned a corner and was gone.
"…And we're done."
Dot shook her head. "Pigs. You guys are pigs."
"Oh, as if you don't go into full Tex Avery glory when you see a hot guy." Wakko pointed out.
"We aren't talking about me." She stated primly. "We are talking about you, and you guys are pigs."
"We're red blooded American males. Get used to it."
A large waving American flag descended behind the brothers as they stood with they're hands over there hearts.
"Wherever there is a tight tank top, we'll be there." Yakko started.
"Wherever there is thong cleavage, we'll be there." Wakko continued.
"And when it's nude model day at the art center, we'll be there…very quickly…"
"And if someone looked at me the way you were just looking at her…?" Dot asked pointedly.
Yakko frowned. "I'd maul his face off, but that's neither here nor there."
"You're a Neanderthal. And a hypocrite."
"She's seventeen! You're ten! Anyone making eyes at a ten year old girl deserves a good face mauling! As well as the forcible removal of certain body parts. And as your oldest brother it is my responsibility to provide those services to anyone who I think is a threat."
Dot rolled her eyes as Twist turned to Wakko hopefully.
"Wakko, f sum1 perved on me wud u mawl his face off?"
Wakko thought for a moment.
"It would depend on how big the guy was."
(XxX) I've noticed in several fics that the authors would leave notes in the middle of the story to tell the reader something they were more than capable of figuring out on their own. So in keeping with that I'm here to tell you that the three x's are to serve as page breaks. Imagine how confused you would be had I not explained that to you. You can show your gratitude by sending money.
"The kayak? Wakko, why'd you bring the kayak?"
The Warners had spent the better part of an hour deep in the trenches of airport security. When Wakko had sent his gag bag through the x-ray machine the puzzled screeners had made him pull everything out.
"It's Florida. I thought we might need it for when the hurricanes come."
"What hurricanes?"
"It's Florida."
"…Good point."
Once airport security was confident that Wakko wasn't hiding Osama, Iraq, or WMD's in his bag and packed everything back up another half hour had past. Though some sprinting was required they were able to make it to there terminal with time to spare.
The quartet had just managed to commandeer a row of seats when…
"Yakko!"
At the sound of his name Yakko spun around only to find himself face to chest with-
"Milk?" He asked surprised. "What are you doing in this terminal?"
"I traded in my ticket, I am coming with you!"
"…Huh?"
"I have found myself suddenly in love with you!"
"Really?!" Yakko exclaimed looking exceptionally pleased. Wakko and Dot appeared thunderstruck.
"Oh yes! And a love like ours should never be separated!" She bounced slightly and Yakko had a hard time keeping his eyes on her face.
"Sure, whatever you say."
"I am thinking we should have a spring wedding!" She continued to bounce.
"Sure, …uh…" Suddenly Yakko's eyes shot up. "Wait, what?"
"When you find your one true love there is no point in waiting, we are meant to be together forever!!"
Yakko stared at her in bewilderment. Suddenly Wakko didn't mind so much that he hadn't gotten a chance to talk to her.
"Did I mention that I'm underage? That might put a damper in the ole wedding plans…"
"Then we will simply have a long engagement. I will wait for you as long as it takes!" With that decided Milk plopped down in an empty seat and pulled out a bridal magazine. Yakko spun around to face his sibs, barely concealed panic on his face.
"Oh man, what the hell just happened??"
"Wernt u payin attn? u jst got engaged. Congrats. ;) "
"Things were going so well! Then she had to go and play the commitment card!"
Wakko's gaze darkened and he shook his head. "Just like a woman."
"What am I going to do?? She's obviously crazy, and not the good kind of crazy either!"
"Yakko, what is she?" Dot asked suddenly.
He paused, confused. "A …girl?"
"No, I said what is she?"
"Human?"
Dot rolled her eyes. "No. She's a Sue. And what are you?"
"A …guy?"
"And they call you the smart one…" She muttered. "No Yakko, you're a canon lead. What do Sues do when they meet the canon lead?"
Yakko's shoulders slumped. He knew where she was going with this now. "They fall in love with 'em."
"And what does the canon lead do in response?"
"Falls in love right back." He answered morosely. "But I don't love her! I just think she's fun to look at!"
"She's just following the standard Mary Sue script. She has no reason to assume that you wouldn't love her. You're just going to have to explain to her that there's been a misunderstanding. I mean, what's the worse that could happen?"
"She could have me whacked."
"Sues don't normally do that." Dot said with a raised eyebrow.
"Sues don't normally get rejected by their canons either." Yakko replied nervously.
"Yakko, just go talk to her. It's what you're good at anyway right?"
Reluctantly Yakko stepped over to where his fiancée was sitting and sat down beside her. She was thoughtfully considering a particular page in her magazine.
"Uh, …Milk?"
"What do you think about blue?"
"Huh?"
"For the bridesmaids dresses. Robins egg blue."
"Milk, there's not going to be any bridesmaids."
Milk looked up in surprise. "Huh?"
Yakko took a deep breath wondering if he was going to end teh evening in physical pain. "There's not going to be a wedding. I'm real sorry if I led you on or anything, but I don't love you. How could I? We just met!"
Milk stared at him in silence with a blank expression. Nervously he tried not to let himself fidget under her gaze. After a moment she looked back down at her magazine.
"I was thinking we should get a Duran Duran cover band for our reception. Unless you had another group in mind?"
Stunned, Yakko's jaw dropped. "What?... I just said…"
"Sweetheart," Milk said with a knowing smile, perfect love and understanding in her eyes. "It is perfectly natural for the groom to experience a little cold feet. I know how great our love is. It will see us through. It is lucky that I am so in tune with you, otherwise I would have almost believed you were serious."
Yakko groaned. He had never had a migraine before but was sure this must be what one felt like. He decided to try again.
"It's more complicated than that. I'm afraid I can't marry you because I'm… uh… lactose intolerant! I couldn't marry a girl named after a dairy product. Even if I wanted to. I'd get cramps. Very unpleasant. Oh, and the bloating! You don't even want to go there!"
Milk reached up and cupped his face in her delicate hand. "Oh Yakko, fear not, we will find a way. Even if I have to change my name I promise we will find a way to be together!"
Yakko slumped, disappointed. "That's… great. Just great." With a sigh he stood and went to rejoin his siblings.
"Would you three be willing to play along if I faked my own death?"
"That probably wouldn't work. She'd want to come to the funeral." Dot said.
"Crap! Why did I have to be born so damn good looking?!"
"It's a mystery." Dot answered dryly.
"You could pretend to be gay." Wakko offered.
"I spent a solid half hour flirting with her, she'd see right through that!"
"It'd be good for a laugh though."
"Can we focus? Please?"
"Well, it would."
"I don-" He was interrupted by the booming intercom speaker right above them.
"Now boarding flight 415 nonstop to Dallas, rows 1-15."
"That's us, let's go." Yakko said tiredly. One by one they filed onto the plain. Dot took a seat by the window, Wakko next to her, and Twist next to him. In the row directly behind then the seat by the window was already taken leaving Yakko in the middle and Milk on the aisle beside him.
As they settled into there seats a voice spoke:
"A-another Warner? I don't believe it!"
Yakko looked up in surprise at the woman seated next to him as Dot, Wakko, and Twist stood in they're seats to look back at them.
The woman's eyes widened. "Four other Warners?? This is incredible!!"
The woman, an Warner herself, staired back and forth from sib to sib. She had shoulder length straight pink hair styled in a severe blunt cut and wore a tank top with the playboy bunny logo with an impossibly tiny mini skirt.
"I've never met another Warner before, I thought I was the only one!"
Yakko sighed. "Let me guess, you're my twin sister, right?"
"What? No, I'm not related to you at all."
He frowned. "But you just said you were a Warner."
"Well, yeah. Just look at me!"
"You do realize that Warner is my sibs and my last name and not the name of our species, right?"
"Whatever! So, what's your name?"
"Yakko." Yakko replied warily.
"Well it's great to meet you Yakko. My name is Katarona Anelia Solstroma Emmanuella Yolistra. But people just call me K.A.S.E.Y. It sounds less pretentious."
"Yeah." Dot piped up. "Nothing says 'I'm just like you' than a name spelt entirely in caps!"
"Exactly!"
"Perfect." Yakko moaned. "Just what we need. Another Sue."
"How do you know she's a Sue?" Wakko wondered.
"The incredibly long name is a pretty good hint."
Dot looked alarmed. "Wait, I've got an incredibly long name. Am I a Sue?"
Yakko shook his head. "No. Sues don't have flaws. You do-"
"No I don't!"
"That's one of them right there. See? Not a Sue."
Dot glared at him in offense before tossing herself down into her seat and crossing her arms in a huff.
K.A.S.E.Y. gazed adoringly at Yakko. "So… Yakko… I find myself suddenly in love with you…"
"God Damnit! I hate this writer!"
Dot's eyes went wide as she spun back around. "Oooohhh you shouldn't say that out loud. She'll hear you and then you'll be punished!"
"I'm already being punished."
Milk leaned forward in her seat so she could pin K.A.S.E.Y. with a scathing glare. "For your information he is already taken."
K.A.S.E.Y.'s glance was dissmisive. "I don't see a ring on your finger."
Yakko sighed miserably. They weren't even in the air yet and he was already ready to get off the plane.
2 hours later they were in the air and well on they're way. The snacks had already been handed out and the inflight movie wasn't worth paying attention to. Milk was still deep in her bridal magazine while K.A.S.E.Y. was perusing a baby naming book.
"What do you think of 'Ophelia' for a girl?" She asked.
"You can name the kid whatever you want. It won't be mine." Yakko stated flatly.
She stared blankly at him for a moment. "Or 'Slacko' for a boy?"
"Honey," Milk interrupted. "Do you want lilacs or lilies at the reception?"
With a miserable moan Yakko buried his face in his hands.
Wakko sat back down in his seat where he had been standing watching his brother try to handle the fighting Sues.
"I wonder if the kids in the Harry Potter fandom have to deal with stuff like this."
"Bloody hell!" Harry said as he apparated into Twist's empty seat. "I have so many Sues they had to open a new house to hold them all, and I have enough long-lost siblings and children-who-came-back-from-the-future to staff my own Quidditch team!"
"That sucks."
"Blimey, you have no idea. Incidentally, I'm dodging a Sue at the moment so if she shows up you never saw me, right?"
"Saw who?"
"Cheers!" Harry said as he disapparated. Almost immediately after the seat Harry'd just left was filled with a leggy purple haired girl with glittering eyes.
"I'm looking for a boy, 'is name is 'arry Potter. I'm 'is girlfriend. 'ave you seen 'im?"
Wakko stared silently at her before pointing straight up.
"Thanks!" She called, and was gone.
"I wonder who thought purple hair and glitter eyes was a good idea." Dot mused thoughtfully. "How would you match an outfit to that?"
"Ikr? It liek ttly suxors! Lol!" Twist exclaimed.
"I have no idea what she just said, but I'm going to pretend like I do." Dot said as she went back to listening to her ipod.
"Where were you?" Wakko asked.
"?" Twist asked.
"You weren't sitting there a minute ago. Harry Potter and then some purple haired chick was sitting there."
"No tehy wer not. I hve bin heer teh hole tym."
"I foresee this becoming a running gag with you."
"?"
"Nevermind."
"What makes you think you are good enough for him?" Milk's loud demand caught the sibs attention and all three stood up in there seats to watch the show. Yakko was sitting slumped forward with his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands as he stared stonely at the back of Wakko's seat, completely ignoring the Sues rapidly heating argument.
"At least I'm the same species!" K.A.S.E.Y. retorted.
"True love knows no boundaries! And besides, I am part Warner!"
This was enough to catch yakkos attention. "How the hell are you part Warner?"
"Well, 78 years ago my grandmother was dating Lon Borax and they liked to get kinda kinky in the bedroom. On the night my mother was conceived they took the bottle of ink Lon used to draw you and shoved it right up-"
"Woahokaythat'senough!!!" Yakko exclaimed. "That is not a mental image I want crawling around my brain!"
"But it's already in mine!!" Dot cried as she clutched at her hair. She began banging her forhead against the window frame. "Must… repress…mental…image…"
"Wakko grab her before she hurts herself!" Yakko exclaimed alarmed.
Wakko grabbed his sister an dpulled her back down into her seat. Now she was clawing at her eyes and moaning. "Oooooohhhh my virgin eyes… It burns!"
Yakko stood up and leaned over the back of Wakko's seat and as the brothers tended to they're sister K.A.S.E.Y. leaned towards Milk and said smugly; "That doesn't just make you part Warner. That also makes you directly related to them. Like a cousin!"
"Only distantly!"
"Still close enough to make them freak out. You saw how they reacted. Face it honey, he's mine now!"
With a shriek of rage Milk lunged at K.A.S.E.Y. Yakko had to leap over Wakko's seat-back to get out of the way. On the upside, watching the catfight completely distracted dot from her self distructive frenzy.
All eyes where on the Sues as they made earnest attempts to rip out each other's flowing hair. All the women on the plane looked scandalized as they attempted to distract there children. None of the men however, seemed to mind at all. Some were even placing bets on who the winner would be. Those bets would all end in a draw, the fight coming to an abrupt end by a sudden fit of turbulence, forcing the Sues to retake they're seats and settle on just glaring at each other.
Deciding that he didn't want to go back to sitting between the Sues, especially now that they had come to blows Yakko pulled Dot into his lap and took her seat. A quick cuddle was all it took to keep Dot from getting to indignant about having her seat stolen out from under her. Plus, sitting in his lap gave her the boost she needed to really be able to see out of the window.
Turbulance began to buffet the plain. The Warner's didn't mind so much but eventually another passenger, who was feeling quiet airsick sent a flight attendant up to the cockpit to see what was going on. A few minutes later her panicked voice sounded over the intercom. "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?? Both of the pilots have just suddenly died for no reason other than that it's really dramatic!!"
"That's convenient." Wakko said calmly.
"And unfortunate." Yakko added.
K.A.S.E.Y. stood up dramatically. All eyes were on her as if she was under a spotlight.
"No one worry! I can fly this plane!"
"That's also convenient." Wakko said.
"And probably just as unfortunate." Came Yakko's reply.
K.A.S.E.Y. pushed past Milk and into the aisle but Milk was not to be left behind. She also stood up dramatically taking the spotlight for herself.
"I also know how to save this plane!"
Realizing the potential for disaster this raised Yakko stood up as well. It wasn't dramatic and their was no spotlight. He placed Dot back into her seat and addressed her and her brother.
"Stay here and buckle up. I'm going to go chaperone the Sues."
"Yakko are we going to crash?" Dot asked with terrified eyes. Wakko was beginning to look frightened as well.
"If this really is a DWC fic than I wouldn't put it past her to nosedive us right into the ground!" He said.
Dot began to whimper.
"Wakko stop." Yakko chided. "You're scaring your sister."
"Scaring her?? I'm on this plane too!!"
Yakko sprinted up the isle and arrived in the cockpit just as K.A.S.E.Y. and Milk were settling themselves into the pilots' seats.
"Are you sure you know what you're doing??" He demanded as K.A.S.E.Y. switched off the auto pilot and took control of the plane.
"Of course I do. I was the youngest person to ever get a pilot's license. I've been flying since I was a fetus!"
"…Do I even want to know how?"
"Sheer raw talent. There's not a machine in this universe that I can't operate!"
"So you're a technoSue?"
"I'm a pilot. And a monster truck driver, and a BMXer and a mechanic, and a Playboy model an-"
"We get the picture. You're a Sue as created by a guy and Milk's a Sue as created by a girl. I get it. I don't particularly care, but I get it."
"Fine. Though I do wonder how the little creampuff thinks she can be of any help here."
Milk held up her pendent. "I am a witch. I ca-"
"What was that? A bitch you say? At least you're honest about it!"
As the Sues launched into another screaming match K.A.S.E.Y. absently let go of the controls. Now pilotless the plane pitched forward and began a nosedive that the girls didn't even seem to notice. Passenger screams sounded down the corridor and Yakko was clearly able to pick out the high pitched screaming of his sister. She had a set of lungs on her and when she screamed, it carried.
"Whoever lands the plane gets a kiss from me!" Yakko shouted, thinking quickly.
The Sues dropped there argument like it never even happened. K.A.S.E.Y. taking back control of the plane and Milk using he rmagic pendent to create a visable trail leading to Dallas.
Once the plane had leveled out and he was sure they wouldn't lose attention again Yakko made his way on jelly legs back to his siblings seats.
"You guys okay?" He asked when he reached them.
Dot had gripped her armrests so hard she had embedded her fingers in the plastic and Wakko was busy trying to extract her while a trembling Twist looked on in concern.
"Ow ow OW!" Dot cried. "I want to still be able to use my fingers when you're done!"
"Hold still then!"
Yakko squeezed into the row and helped free Dot then pulled both sibs into a tight hug. Twist looked ridiculously offended not to be included but no one noticed.
"You sure you guys are okay?" He asked again.
They both nodded shakily.
"I thought we were done for!" Dot cried. "I thought DWC was going to mash us into unidentifiable paste on the ground!"
"I really thought we were going to be paste too." Wakko confessed.
"Nobody is going to be paste. The Sues have everything under control now."
"U shldnt keep callin tehm tht /:-( !!" Twist snapped. "Itz a derogatry term 4 a porly ritten & porly thawt out 2 deminsional oc w/ teh depth ov a tidal pool butt teh ability 2 do n e thng."
"In other words it's a completely accurate description of what they are." Yakko said pointedly.
"Thtz horrbl! Ur horrbl! ppl put a lot ov wrk in2 creating there ocs!"
"Not nearly enough."
"OMGWTF! I dun c U riting n e thng!"
"Doesn't matter. It's still me and my family that has to put up with whatever stupid fantasy fulfillment scenario the writer throws at us. And some are way more annoying than others."
"And we know annoying," Wakko spoke up. "We specialize in annoying."
Twist growled and turned away in a huff, crossing her arms.
Once again Yakko took Dot's seat. He didn't have to steal it from her this time. By the time he had made the decision to sit down she was already in the process of crawling into his lap.
"This whole story is going to suck for us, isn't it." Dot said. It wasn't a question.
"Looks that way."
"She's already killed me once. She might pick on someone else for a while or she may go straight for me again." She said sadly.
"Come on sis, we don't know how this is all going to turn out."
"I notice I'm the only canon not associated with a Sue yet."
At the word 'Sue' Twist pointedly cleared her throat, but was ignored.
"I bet she's just saving the worst for me." Dot continued. She sniffed and buried her face in Yakko's shirt. "I don't like this. I want to go home."
"But if we go home," Yakko said softly as he stroked her hair, "the story will never be finished and we'll be stuck in limbo with these Sues (another ignored throat clearing from Twist) forever. Besides, this is labeled as a parody and not a tragedy so I bet it'll all turn out okay in the end."
"I still hate this."
"You and me both sister sibling."
(XxX)
The rest of the flight passed with relative ease, though each instance of turbulence was met with screams from various passengers. The mood wasn't helped by the in-flight movie.
"Flight 93??? Who the hell shows Flight 93 on an airplane?!?"
Everyone tried to settle in for the last leg of the flight. Dot had closed the window shade by her and Yakko's seat. Looking 30,000 feet straight down wasn't fun after nearly falling it. Twist was still fuming silently. The fact that they didn't care made her fume even more. But at least she was quiet and the Sues were occupied giving the sibs some time to spend just with each other. And after the scare they'd had they needed the time to reconnect.
Being in such a horrible fic had promted them to start talking about some of the best fics they had been in.
"There's that one about us as grown-ups." Dot said.
"Which one?" Yakko asked.
"The one with Buster."
"Which one?"
"Both of them. But especially the one with the scary spider guy."
"Oh yeah. You know that one would make an excellent movie."
"Though it would probably be rated 'R'." Wakko pointed out.
"Even better." Yakko stated. "An 'R' rated animated movie that wasn't a Japanese porno. It would be groundbreaking."
"Do you know what other fic would make a good movie?" Dot asked suddenly.
"What?"
"The one where we get kidnapped by pirates."
Yakko frowned. "Story wise it would make a good movie but there's no way in hell I'd be willing to live through that nightmare again. We're based from a comedy show, how sad is it that so many of our fics make me wake up screaming?"
Dot thought for a moment before stating: "We have sadistic fans."
Yakko frowned harder and scrunched his shoulders. "I hate them all."
"Don't say that! They can hear you!" Dot hissed as she glanced quickly around in paranoia.
"All I want is one fic. One fic that's well written, with a decent plot, where we don't die at the end! Or nearly die, or get hurt, or separated, or fear for ourselves or each other in any way that-"
"It'd be a pretty boring story if nothing happened." Wakko said.
"It could take place in Hawaii in one of those nice little tourist resorts and the whole plot could center around us trying to find the perfect non-alcoholic fruit juice mixer to sip on the beach while being fanned by total hotties, that don't want to marry or reproduce with us, who are willing to do any and every thing we ask them to do."
"Sounds great, but I doubt people would find it a very interesting read though."
"Well, someone could get eaten by a shark. We just wouldn't be in the water at the time. We'd be the ones on the beach yelling 'Look out! Shark!'"
Dot raised an eyebrow an dsmiled. "How would it end?"
"The guy that got eaten, well he was a bajillionaire who loved our show and he left everything he owned to us in his will and we use his fortune to live a life of luxury for the rest of our very very long lives."
"You've thought this out, haven't you?" Wakko asked.
"Yup." Yakko stated proudly. Dot snorted.
"And how does your version end?" He demanded.
"With me married to Orlando Bloom." She answered without hesitation.
Yakko appeared surprised. "Not Mel Gibson?"
"Well… No… He's kinda crazy now. And not fun zany crazy either. Scary religious zealot crazy. And he's kinda old. Orlando's young, fun to look at, and he hasn't gone off the deep end yet."
"'Yet' being the key word here…" Yakko muttered to Wakko, who snickered.
"Why do so many celebrities go crazy anyway? Is it the pressure?" Wakko asked.
"I think there's something in their imported crystal spring water." Yakko suggested.
"Or their Botox."
"I don't think guy celebrities get Botox." Dot pointed out. "Maybe there's a mind control device in their Blackberries."
Yakko shook his head. "I have a Blackberry and I'm not crazy. Well,… not any crazier then I was to begin with."
"How often do you use it?"
"Aren't they usually pretty normal until some type of church gets a hold of them?" Wakko asked. "Isn't that what happened to Tom Cruise?"
Yakko glanced around nervously. "A valid point, though we should probably abandon this line of conversation before we start pissing off the religious readers."
Dot scoffed. "What are they gonna do? Smite us?"
"If they're fic writers as well, than yes."
"Fuck!"
"Yeah, that'll appease them."
"Or they might just write a fic converting us into pious well behaved churchgoers." Wakko said.
"Even worse! I'd rather be smited! …Smoted? …Smit?" Dot turned to Yakko. "What's the past tense of 'smite'?"
"I would know?"
"Well you should Mr. Aardvark abating abet abdicating."
"Shut up."
"Good evening passengers, this is your captain speaking," K.A.S.E.Y.'s voice sounded over the intercom. "We will be landing in Dallas in about 15 minutes, please buckle up and return your tray tables to the full upright position. Thanks again for flying K.A.S.E.Y. Air."
Yakko's eyebrows shot up. "You gotta be kidding me."
Dot grinned at him. "Just think Yakko, that's the mother of your future baby!"
"Like hell! What would I want kids for? I'm already raising you guys!"
"He said, making it sound as much of a burden as possible." Dot said looking hurt.
"Oh come on! I did not mean it like that!"
Dot began to climb out of his lap. "Nope. I'm gonna go sit in Wakko's lap now."
Yakko grabbed her waist halting her escape. "Aww come on sis…"
"No. It's too late; you're a jerk so I'm going over here now." She pulled free and clambered into her other brother's lap.
"So… Does that mean I'm the favorite now?" Wakko asked.
Dot nodded sagely.
Wakko calmly turned to Yakko. "HA!! Yes! In your face!!"
Yakko looked offended.
"And I'll be taking your plaque!" He said gloatingly as he pulled the 'World's Greatest Brother' plaque from Yakko's pocket.
Yakko frowned and was just about to launch into a lecture on the wrongness of choosing favorites among family members when he was destracted by the sensation of the plane tilting slightly forward. Opening the window cover he could see the lights of the Dallas airport blinking in the distance. When he turned back around he saw all three of his siblings doubled over in there seats.
"What are you doing?"
"Assuming the crash position." Wakko answered.
"We're landing, not crashing."
"We're not risking it."
Yakko considered they're point for a moment, and then curled into the crash position himself. Half of the other passengers followed suit.
As per Mary Sue rules the landing was absolutely flawless. It made a 40 year veteran look like an amateur. It was like landing on a pillow. Thrilled not to be dead the passengers erupted into thunderous applause as K.A.S.E.Y. and Milk exited the cockpit. They both beamed and took they're bows.
Since they were both standing right by the door the Warner's were unab;e to escape being rejoined by the Sues as they exited into the terminal.
"So," K.A.S.E.Y. said as she leaned towards Yakko. "How about that kiss?"
Yakko blinked. "Huh?"
"The kiss you promised." Milk spoke up. "You said whoever landed the plane would get a kiss."
"Eeeeeehhhh, …oh, right… the uh, the kiss…" Yakko thought hard hoping this wouldn't be the time his quick wit decided to abandon him. Wakko and Dot watched him with wide eyes, unsure if he would be able to save himself.
"You see, …I uh… I was expecting my one t-true love to land the plane. But you both landed it. Together. So in fairness I would have to kiss you both and that just wouldn't be fair to my uh, soul mate. It would kinda be like cheating, and ya know, that's just not the kinda guy I am."
"Nice save." Wakko whispered to Dot, who nodded impressed.
Yakko waited, with held breath, hoping they would buy it. The Sues thought for a moment and then nodded each obviously believing that he was talking about them.
"I admit it would pain me greatly to see you kiss another." Milk said.
"Seeing you kiss your cousin would be pretty sick." K.A.S.E.Y. agreed.
"He was not talking about you!" Milk snapped.
"What, you think he was talking about you? This is Texas, not Kentucky. Incest is frowned upon here."
Milk gasped and her eyes raged.
Yakko decided to ignore them.
"Come on sibs. We need to go get a hotel room."
"You know," K.A.S.E.Y. said sidling up beside him. "You and I can get a room and your cousin can stay with your sibs."
"Absolutely not!" Milk raged. "My fiancée and I will be getting a room while you watch his siblings."
"Actually I will be getting a room with my sibs. With just my sibs." Yakko stated firmly.
"But honey," Milk started, looking confused. "Do you not want us to have some time alone?"
"He'd be better off staying with me." K.A.S.E.Y. interrupted. She gave Yakko a suggestive wink. "I'd show him a better time.
Milk looked horrified while Yakko looked like he was in the beginning stages of another migraine. He gave his siblings a pleading look and after a quiet sigh Dot nodded. Bolstered Yakko turned his attention back to the Sues.
"I couldn't possibly leave my sibs. They get terrible separation anxiety…"
Right on cue Dot squeaked and wrapped herself around Yakko's leg. She looked up at him with huge doe eyes.
"You're leaving us?? You can't leave us!! We don't know where we are!"
Wakko lurched forward and glomped himself around Yakko's other leg.
"What if something scary happens?? We won't know what to do!!"
They both burst into loud hysterical sobs as they clung to they're brother like he was a life preserver.
Yakko shrugged helplessly. "See? Just look at them!"
Dot and Wakko looked up at the Sues with sad pathetic eyes.
"How could I possibly leave them this upset? What kind of brother would that make me?"
The Sues looked disappointed.
"I guess you are right." Milk said, "If they are that attached to you-"
Dot delivered a whimper truly worthy of an Oscar and buried her face in Yakko's khakis.
"It wouldn't be right to ask you to leave them overnight." K.A.S.E.Y. finished.
Yakko looked down at his sibs still attached to his legs.
"Thank you." He mouthed silently. Dot winked and Wakko gave a quick smile.
"Well anyway, we'd better get going. I need to get them settled and in bed and all that legal guardian type stuff and what not. We'll see you in the morning." Yakko said, adding an "Unfortunately." Under his breath.
He made a big show out of detangling his legs from his sibs, just for good measure.
"You owe us." Dot whispered.
"Those video ipods you've been wanting? They're yours."
"Score!"
After he got everyone standing again he put his arms around they're shoulders and began to lead them away. Dot kept sniffling pathetically, just for authenticities sake. They'd only taken a few steps when Yakko realized something was missing.
Ever since leaving the plain Twist had been silent, nervous. Her siblings had largely ignored her today and now she was unsure if they would allow her to share there hotel room. She didn't have money for a room of he rown and the thought of being separated from her beloved twin was almost physically painful.
"Twist what are you doing? Are you coming or not?" Yakko called. Twist's face lit up.
"She's coming with us?" Dot asked.
"She kinda has to, doesn't she?" Yakko replied. "For the duration of this story, or until the writer says otherwise, she is our sister. That makes her my responsibility. And if there's one thing I always do, it's take care of my family and at least for right now she qualifies."
With a shriek of happiness Twist launched herself at him tackling him right to the floor in a huge hug.
"I knu ud cum round :D! "
"I'm not 'coming around' I'm being responsible! Don't make me regret it!"
":D!!!"
Her happy expression never changing she let go of Yakko and flung herself at Wakko. After enveloping him in a crushing hug she turned to hug Dot, but thought better of it when she saw that her sister had adopted a 'crouching tiger hidden dragon'esk karate pose.
Luckily for the Warners the closest hotel was right across the street from the airport. Also luckily for the Warners they didn't have to make that walk with the Sues, who had had to go retrieve checked luggage. Unluckily for the warners it was after 10:30 at night and they had to walk around outside.
"Stay close sibs," Yakko said protectively. "We're in deliverance country."
"We're in Texas. What's so scary about Texas?" Dot demanded.
"George Bush, Dr. Phil, Joan Crawford, Kate Capshaw, Shelley Duvall, Matthew McConaughey, Hilary Duff, need I go on?"
Wakko shuddered.
"Howdy ya'll!" A man in a horrible sequined dress shirt with rhinestone boots called out.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! RUN AWAY!!!" The sibs ran like hell to the hotel where they checked in as quickly as possible, bolted to they're room and barricaded the door with the large wood armwoire.
"Hating this!" Dot declaired as she hid behind the bed.
"It's only for the night." Yakko assured her. "We'll be in Orlando by noon tomorrow."
"f teh hickz dun eat us 1st. O-o" Twist said warily eyeing the baracade.
"Come on everyone let's just go to bed. The sooner we fall asleep the sooner we'll wake up and get out of here." Yakko said.
With four kids sharing one bathroom it was almost an hour before everyone was finally settling down in they're beds. Wakko and Twist in one bed, Yakko and Dot in the other.
"Goodnight ya'll." Yakko drawled as he switched off the light.
"Not funny." Dot snapped.
For the next five or ten minutes the room was silent. Until…
creak
creak
creak
"Oh yeah baby!"
The wall against there headboards began to vibrate.
"Oooohh God." Yakko moaned as he rolled over and buried his face in his pillow. Wakko and Twist were snickering.
The creaking continued for several minutes before quickening rapidly in pace.
creak creak creak
creak creak creak
"Oh yeah baby, almost there!"
creak creak creak
creak creak creak
"Bombs away!"
"Hating this!!" Dot shrieked.
Author's Note: If you would like to see Milk and K.A.S.E.Y. in all there Sueish glory, head over to my deviantart page for an illustration. Link is in my member profile!