Chapter 29

The Christmas Holidays safely behind me, I was feeling lucky. I'd survived, after all. I had given up completely on trying to bring in FTA's given my advanced state of impending motherhood and my increased ability to trip over my own feet, which I couldn't see anyway. I'd also given up on shoes that tied or buckled for the same reason.

It was the day before New Year's Eve. I was working the desk at the bail bond office while Connie was on a vacation. Funny that; Dunphy was on vacation, too. They both insisted that nothing was going on between them, but I had my suspicions. Dunphy had a big hickey on his neck when he'd dropped by to check on me before leaving town and he was even more quiet than usual when I teased him about it. It's fun to watch a great big guy like that blush.

The office was pretty quiet. The criminals were taking some time off before hitting the New Year with a bang. Vinnie was taking some time off, too, so it was really just me, Lula and Bob. We had eaten donuts for breakfast, barbequed ribs for a mid-morning snack, and had cleaned out Connie's emergency stash of crackers, Oreo's and croutons. It was almost time for lunch.

Lula doesn't do FTA work without a partner, so basically, Vinnie's skips were enjoying a free ride for a few weeks until we could find someone else to pick them up. Therefore, the stack of files was getting out of control. The entire top of Connie's desk was stacked at least 6 inches deep with them.

My cell phone rang, but I couldn't bend over far enough to pick up my handbag off of the floor, so it went to voicemail. It was really Lula's fault I didn't get to the phone. She could have picked it up for me, but she was just returning with three soft-serve ice cream cones with sprinkles so her hands were full.

When I checked my messages, I heard, "Stephanie, this is Carmine Salinas. I need to talk to you. I'll try your house." Carmine was a 'ho. I'd brought her in several times. She was a good 'ho apparently, but not good at avoiding arrest or appearing in court without my assistance. She was using a sing-song voice on the message like she was happy. I knew for a fact that she was FTA because I'd seen her file in one of the stacks. I was a little taken aback. When an FTA comes to me instead of waiting for me to find them, there is usually a bizarre circumstance behind it. She hadn't left a number to call her back, but I knew where to find her. She'd worked the corner at 9th and Commerce for the past couple of years.

Lula, Bob and I finished our ice cream and started browsing through the take-out menus in Connie's desk. Bob seemed partial to the Kung Pow Inn – that is, he ate their menu. Lula and I agreed Chinese sounded yummy, so we locked up the office and piled into her red Firebird. Carmine's corner was conveniently located on the way.

When we pulled up, Carmine was getting out of Bennie Raguza's 1978 Omni (complete with authentic woodgrain trim and rooftop luggage rack). She looked a bit disheveled, like she'd maybe earned her money recently. Nonetheless, she seemed happy to see me. "Stephanie!" She practically purred, while digging in her bag for her compact. She definitely could use a little touch up, since her lipstick was smeared from her chin to her eyebrows.

"Hey, Carmine. Got your message. Don't suppose you'd like to take a ride with us downtown?" A girl has to try, I thought. Fat chance I could make her come with me since I had indigestion on top of a bulge the size of a basketball. There wasn't a chance I could even run after her.

"Not today, but I was going to tell you that tomorrow would work great for me. I need some time off – you know, the holidays are hell. All these 'happily married' guys that took time off to spend with the family are killing me." She was flossing her teeth while she talked to us. I really didn't want to know why. I didn't think she was worried about broccoli from the salad bar being stuck in there. She continued, "With married guys, it's blowjob, blowjob, blowjob. I'll tell you, when a woman gets married, I guess she never has to give a blowjob again. These guys all act like they haven't had one in years."

Since I was the only married one in our threesome, Lula and Carmine both just looked at me.

"Yeah," Lula chimed in. "I remember that. There were a couple of years that I had jaw muscles the size of oranges by the end of the holiday break. I looked like a squirrel that had hit the walnut jackpot."

I thought it was time to change the subject. "Carmine, how can I help you?" I immediately thought about how that sounded, given our topic of conversation, and started to amend my offer but Carmine jumped in.

"Can you meet me tomorrow morning about 9? We can meet at The Pleasure Palace." She motioned across the street with her chin.

"Why not just right here?" Lula asked, "Who wants to go to an adult toystore at 9 in the morning?"

Carmine gave Lula a meaningful look, but I didn't know what the meaning was.

"I'll be over there. If you want me to go in, meet me there," she said. She bent at the waist and wiggled her boobs back up into the neckline of her blouse. They had migrated South during her earlier appointment, apparently. A quick fluff of her navy-black hair completed her look. She was back in business just in time apparently. A car with three guys in it pulled to the curb. She went to the window to negotiate but returned a minute later after they pulled away. "Too bad you two don't work the streets. They wanted a three-fer. We could have made some good cash and even gotten a bonus if the dog was available."

Lula, Bob and I had lunch and closed the office a little early because we all needed naps.

The next morning, I moved slowly. I showered, I dried everything I could reach. I fluffed my hair, I put on 3 layers of mascara. I hadn't been to the police station in a couple of months and didn't want the guys to think that Joe's wife was slacking just because I had gained 1000 pounds of baby weight. I didn't need to do Carmine's boob-manuever. My cleavage went all the way to my chin. I know Joe would be upset that he'd missed the opportunity to play with these big-boys.

Joe. I hadn't heard from him, even via Dunphy messenger, for a week. He must be busy. I gave a big sigh and let Bob out to tinkle.

My mother called. I saw her name on the caller ID. When I answered, she said, "Are you up? You don't want to be late this morning."

"What do you mean? Late for work? There's not much going on there. Since we haven't been able to recover any skips, Vinnie is at the limit on his ability to write bond. The insurance company that underwrites him has cut him off. When he gets back from vacation, he's going to have to go FTA hunting himself just to get back in business. Work's not exactly pressing right now."

"Oh, well, uh…hmmm, I just meant that you probably have somewhere you need to be, right? I mean, you are always busy doing something." She sounded weird.

"Well, yeah, I mean, I'm going to pick up a skip who promised to go in this morning at nine. I guess I need to get on the road."

"Alright. Bye, now."

I let Bob in, locked the back door and went with Bob through to the front of the house. We climbed in Joe's SUV. I've been driving it almost exclusively since I got back from my last trip to see him. Even though I had to climb up to get into it, it was easier to get out of than my car. Gravity assisted my exit from the SUV. I could just stick my legs out the door and wiggle a little and I would fall to my feet. The truck smelled of fast food, cold coffee, and Bob. I'm not the best at keeping a car clean. I'm more the type to throw the trash into the back seat until it's full or until I total the vehicle, whatever comes first.

I swung by to pick up Lula, and we pulled up in the Pleasure Palace lot at 9:05. No Carmine. "Do you think she's inside?" I asked.

Lula was looking around the lot. "Do you think it's sort of funny that the parking lot is full at 9 in the morning at an adult toystore? I think I smell something fishy."

"Maybe they are having a booksigning or something. I think they sell a lot of books here." I answered.

"No, I mean, I really smell something fishy. What has Bob been eating lately? It smells like a fishery in this car."

"Well," I chewed my lip. "Bob and I have eaten at Long John Silver's a lot lately. It's probably just residual smell…."

We got out, leaving the windows down, and went into the Pleasure Palace Adult Toy Emporium and Bookstore. The place was deserted. I called out, "Hello?"

"Back here!" called a voice.

"I'm not sure I want to go back there," said Lula. "Back there doesn't sound too appealing to me in an adult toystore. Well, maybe that's where they keep all the working vibrators – you know, the ones connected to the electricity… Do you wanna go back there?" She looked at me.

"I want to find Carmine and get out of here." I hitched my shoulderbag up to boost my confidence and headed 'back there'.

As I rounded the corner, everyone yelled, "SURPRISE!" There had to be 30 of them. It was like 'whos-who' among Trenton flesh peddlers back here. There were helium filled condoms of every color tied to the ends of a table for decoration, and everyone was wearing colorful plastic Hawaiian leis. There was a big penis-shaped cake in the middle of the table that said "Careful! It's loaded."

"Surprise, Stephanie!" said Carmine as she dropped a lei around my neck. "We all decided we needed some time off so we're giving you a baby shower, only there's no gifts, but we'll all go in and get rebonded, so you'll be able to make a buttload of money and never break a sweat."

Tony, "aka The Tongue", was manning a margarita machine and there was a DJ. There was a limbo pole set up, too, but nobody was doing the limbo yet. However, for 9 o'clock in the morning, I must say that this was a lively crowd and they were enjoying the themselves. There seemed to be an educational seminar going on at one end of the room as one of the ladies of the evening (morning?) was demonstrating some technique on her very happy boss, while others were making comments on how she might speed up, um, the conclusion of the program…

"Well, isn't this nice? Who knew that the Pleasure Palace had a party room?" Uh-oh, I know that voice. I turned around to see my Grandma Mazur coming around the corner in her best dress. My mother and sister were behind her with absolutely horrified looks on their faces. They were frozen in place. Carmine explained that a shower just wasn't a shower without the mother's family there. Oh, boy. We may need family counseling after this one…

"Well, Carmine, thank you." I raised my voice, "Hello everyone! Thanks for coming in this morning. Anyone want to volunteer for the first round? Obviously, you can't all get in my car at once."

I had two takers. These two women were relatively new to the 'ho' trade and looked relatively fresh. They explained that if they got done early, they could still make a couple of house calls before the day was through. Who knew ho's made house calls?

Carmine had contacted Vinnie, who was thrilled to get the pipes unclogged (and probably got his own personal pipes unclogged at the same time) so he met up with us to write the bond and we were back at the Pleasure Palace in no time.

By the time I got back, my mother and my sister had left, but Grandma was doing the limbo.

All in all, there were 22 ho's, 4 boyz, as I learned they called themselves, 2 pimps, and 3 'undetermined's…because I didn't have a clue who would buy anything they may be selling. Yikes.

The day ranged from the humorous moments (telling the guys at the police station what was going on) to the truly horrifying (seeing Grandma Mazur doing jello shots with Tommy The Tongue). All in all, however, I had to admit that it was a clever idea. The working girls and guys got the day off; Vinnie got his roster almost fully cleared with no struggles whatsoever; I waddled away with enough cash to completely eliminate the last of my debt and to pay back a lot of what I'd borrowed from Joe's reserve; and Bob and Grandma Mazur both made a lot of new friends.

When I crashed into bed that night, my feet were swollen, my hips hurt from walking and I was exhausted, but I felt accomplished and even a little bit accepted. I guess I can count a lot of cops among my friends, and some folks from the other side of the law as well.

It's good to have friends. You never know when you'll need them.