When (Nice?) NEET's Finish Last, or Get the Last Laugh
Chapter 12: His Wish: to become God
(suggested by Guest)
"Congratulations Kazuma, you did it. You actually did it. You defeated the Devil King."
The next thing Kazuma knew, an excited Eris was hugging him tightly.
Kazuma, for his part, was still unsure as to what was happening. The last thing he could remember was facing off with the Devil King down within the kingdom's deepest dungeon. He had learned Explosion and had used the last of the manatite Megumin had given him to help him unleash that ultimate spell.
And now, he was here with Eris, being hugged by her and being told he had saved the world but there was something more pressing on his mind right now, or rather pressing against his body.
'Eris, I hope you know I can feel your soft breast pressing against me, rubbing against me in your excitement. Heh heh, this really is Heaven. There's only one thing that would make this even better...'
And image forms in his mind, that being having Megumin and Darkness joining in the hug alongside Eris with all of them crying out-
('We love you, Kazuma. Let's become a harem together!')
Eris must have realized what was going on as she quickly ends the hug and, upon seeing Kazuma's face, knew his thoughts had entered perverted territory. She then lets out a sigh while shaking her head.
'This man truly is hopeless, isn't he. But what does that say about Darkness and Megumin... and even me, who have all fallen for him.'
(AN: I'm pretty sure, or at least wouldn't be surprised to learn, that Chris/Eris also ended up falling in love with Kazuma over the course of the cannon story but kept it to herself for obvious reasons. I mean, she did seem OK with the idea of 'running away with him to some unknown world' when he suggested the idea to her, after all.)
To snap Kazuma back into reality, Eris gently conks him atop his head. Well, maybe not so gently.
As Kazuma nurses the small pump Eris had given him, she tries to continue only to suffer an uncontrolled giggle at the sight of him. Once she had regained her composure, she finally says-
"As I was saying, Kazuma. You have defeated the Devil King, just like I hoped... I mean knew you would. The whole of Belzerg... nay, the world will sing of your heroic story for centuries to come."
"Yeah, that's great and all but..."
"But?"
Eris cocks her head in confusion, wonder why his expression had suddenly shifted to being so downcast all of a sudden.
"Don't get me wrong, here. I'm glad I finally managed to achieve something great with what had up till now been a dull, boring, and unremarkable life. But I can't help but feel a bit depressed, seeing as I won't be there to enjoy any of it now. Case you haven't noticed but there's nothing left of me. My final attack has either vaporized me completely. Even if there is something left, it's now buried deep underground amongst a ton of collapsed earth and stone."
'Ah, I see what he's meaning now. Guess that is quite the pickle, isn't it.'
Kazuma then grabs his head as he begins to sway back and forth in a way that makes me think his suffering a serious panic attack.
"I can't believe I'm never going to see those guys again. Me, Dust, and Keith won't hit up the succubus cafe for their excellent services..."
'I can imagine what those services could entail. Hm, I wonder if he's ever asked them to give him dreams that include me in them?'
"I won't be there to rub my great success in that snobbish Claire's face over me becoming the kingdom's defacto hero, nor will I be able to spend more time with my little sister and watch her grown and mature into the beautiful young woman I know she's going to become one day..."
'Yeah, that would be a shame to not get to experience that; making someone who's always looked down on you like you were trash finally get put in their place. I can't help but have a little reservation over you spending more time with the princess though. For obvious reasons.'
"And then there's those three. I'm going to have to miss out on all the future attempts Darkness was going to make with either stealing me away from Megumin or getting her to agree with sharing me. Me and Megumin will never be able to finish what we started with each other the other night. And as far as Aqua go... goes? Say, speaking of Aqua, what's her situation at the moment."
'I was wondering when you were going to ask about her though I must confess I'm more curious about what you just said about you and Megumin 'finishing what you both started the other night?' Oh well, I guess I'll have to find out later.'
"Aqua's fine; more than fine, actually. The moment the Devil King died; she was immediately returned to Heaven. Actually, she's been back for quite a while now."
"What, seriously. Then why isn't she here now? I know our relationship has always been an... odd one, but I would have thought even she would want to be here to congratulate me on my success."
"And I'm sure she will here in a bit. Thing is, Kazuma. The moment she got back, the first thing she did was go running off to complain about all the trouble she had to go through when she was pulled down onto my world and told she couldn't come back until the Devil King had been defeated."
"... Yeah, that sounds like something she'd go and do. So, is she still complaining to... I guess the guy or gal in charge. How long has it been since I defeated the Devil King, anyways."
"No, she's finished doing her complaining, thank god because we ALL had to be there to hear her going off about it. Currently, she's off over within her personal throne; making sure no one messed with any of her things while she was away. Things like her collection of manga, games... booze."
"Why am I not surprised."
"As for how long it's been since you defeated the Devil King. About four weeks."
"I see... four weeks. That doesn't sound to... wait, FOUR WEEKS? FOUR-FUCKING WEEKS! You can't be serious."
'I knew he'd react like this when I told him.'
Kazuma was now really panicking, running all around the room while screaming out in terror.
"Oh man, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad, this is BAD. Everyone must be worried about me. I mean, just thinking about how Megumin and Darkness alone have been taking me being MIA... I just can't imagine the chaos that's causing."
"You're not wrong. While waiting for your soul to awaken, I paid them a visit over at the capital... by the way; they are currently at the capital alongside Iris, awaiting your return. I told them what happened, and you can guess how the three of them reacted to hearing that you died. Megumin even threatened to use Explosion to blast a path straight to Heaven in order to get you back."
"But they're all good now, right? They know I'll be coming back soon, right... wait, can I even return to them now, without a physical body to inhabit?"
"Don't worry, Kazuma. Everything's good. I told them that despite your body being completely destroyed, we up here in Heaven will allow you a special revival and will see you returned to them once your soul had finished healing up here with us."
Hearing that makes Kazuma breath out a sigh of relief.
"That's good to hear, both I'm not dead-dead yet and that I'll be going back to them soon. Still, with nearly a month having passed since that day, I can't imagine Megumin having stayed a good girl. After all, she's never been the patient type... except when it comes to our love life which has seen her being incredibly patient and slow with doing things, painfully so."
'I don't know about that; Megumin having behaved herself I mean. Sure, she was willing to be patient when it came to awaiting your return a few weeks ago but now... now she's currently being kept under lock and key with a mana sealing collar around her neck to keep her from going crazy from all that waiting she's had to do.'
"So, what do you say we get this show on the road then. While I'm enjoying the alone time with you, boss, I do think it's time I be getting back to the others now. I have a celebration in my honor to attend, some smug noble lady to put in her place, being warmly welcomed by my little sister and my friends, and a night of passionately hot loving with my girlfriend to finally experience."
"You do realize hearing you say that makes me want to ask just how far yours and Megumin's relationship has gone, assistant-kun, but that can wait till later. Anyways, before I use my powers to revive you, there's one little matter that needs to be taken care of here."
"A little matter? What kind of matter, Eris."
"You're wish, of course. Having defeated the Devil King and saved my world, you are entitled to have one wish of yours granted by us up here in Heaven."
"ANY WISH?"
"Yes, anything one thing your heart desires so think long and hard about what it is you truly want before you make it, Kazuma."
Kazuma nods before crossing his arms over his chest while closing his eyes and lowering his head a bit. His body then begins to rock back and forth ever so slightly as Eris awaits his wish to be spoken.
'I wonder what he'll wish for. Knowing Kazuma as well as I do now, he's probably going to wish for that harem he's always dreamed of with Megumin and Darkness included. Wait, does that mean I'll have to... well, I don't mind as long as it's with him but how could it affect my status as a goddess...'
"I want to become God!"
'Eh?'
"Kazuma, what did you just say?"
"I said I want to become God. That's my wish, to become the top dog here in Heaven. What, is that not an option or something?"
Eris quickly begins to panic upon hearing all that, her hands flaying about as she stammers out-
"No-no-no-no-no... I mean, I guess that can be done but... I was thinking you'd wish for your dream harem that would include me, Darkness and Megumin, perhaps even toss in Iris and Yunyun and perhaps even some other girls you know."
"Well, I had considered that but if I become a god, the top God here in Heaven, then wouldn't I still be able to have all that if I wanted alongside anything else my heart desires, thanks to the power I'd gain from becoming God."
"But Kazuma, that's... well, you're not wrong but it's not that simple. You see..."
Before Eris could continue, a brilliant burst of light fills her throne followed by a figure showered by a golden light appearing, floating down to stand beside them. Immediately, Eris bows down low before the figure while Kazuma stands looking at the beautiful man till he was standing before him.
This man had an Adonis like face; meaning he had the looks that could make both men and woman fall in love with him at first sight. His eyes were of a deep blue with swirling stars within his irises and long flowing hair of pure white. His garments were also of the regalest sort.
"Who are... are you... GOD?"
"Kazuma, what are you doing. Hurry up and bow down, quickly. Before you is the Metatron, the highest of the high within our order. The one you want to replace as 'top dog' as you said before."
Hearing that makes Kazuma look at the guy a moment more before the importance of Eris's words finally sink in and Kazuma quickly kneels down like Eris was doing. They both wait for a few moments till the Meta tron finally speaks.
"You asked if I was God and my answer is that yes, I am A God. However, I feel I must inform you that how things work up here isn't going to match what you currently believe, Satou Kazuma. You see, I am not the Creator, nor do we have the ability to grant you power of that level and magnitude. All I can offer is to give you my job as the head of the heavenly host the Creator left behind to oversee things in this universe before moving on to the next creation to be made."
"Not a problem. I'll still be able to do anything I want within this universe, right?"
"That is correct, so long as you mind universal law, that is. After all, there are some rules even one such as I have to follow less the universe be violently ripped apart."
Hearing that makes Kazuma become doubtful. Perhaps this means he might reconsider his wish here?
"Anyways, we can talk about that later. So, you said you wish to take my place as the head of all the divine beings here in Heaven, correct?"
"Um... yes sir. Is that... is that going to be OK?"
"Hm...sure, why not. I don't see the harm in stepping down after many billions of years being in charge and all. Between you and me, I've been thinking about retiring for about several million years now. I was hesitant to do so because I had my doubts about leaving anyone else in charge of this universe but... looking at you and knowing what I know about you, I can't help but feel confident about your ability to be my successor. What do you think?"
"Well, honestly... I'm not sure. Guess I won't know till I give it a try. Alright man, give me your power."
"Kazuma... lord Metatron, perhaps we should really take the time to talk about..."
"Come-come, Eris. This man has earned this reward so try not to ruin this all for him now."
"Yeah, what he's saying, Eris. It's not everyday someone like me gets to become God, ruler of the universe. Let me have this moment."
"But..."
"Eris, just relax. Seriously, you worry way to much for you own good. You should really find yourself a good man to make your life feel complete (does a wink-wink-nudge-nudge to Kazuma). Anyways, if you will come with me, I shall show you to your new office, Kazuma... sorry, I mean my lord God!"
Kazuma nods as Metatron places a hand on Kazuma's shoulder and they both teleport away. Eris just stands there for a few moments before she starts frazzling her hair while screaming out in aggravation.
As she does that, Aqua comes popping into view only to be greeted by a hysterical Eris who starts shaking her in a rather familiar way.
"Ah, what are you doing? I finally come back home, and this is how you treat your sempai? What happened to you while I was away. Have you lost all your common sense when it comes to showing proper respect to your..."
"Aqua, just shut up for a moment. We have a problem, I really big problem here."
"What is it. Surely it can't be something that bad to make you act like this. What, did that damn NEET try to sexually harass you while I was attending to important matters. Do you want me to beat him up for you?"
"No, that's not it. What's happening is worse. Far-far worse than anything we could have ever imagined."
"What could be so bad that... wait, don't tell me the higher ups have decided we can no longer drink anything alcoholic by any chance because of that's the case, I'm going to..."
"No, it's even worse than that. Kazuma made his big wish he was owed for defeating the Devil King. And what he wished for was..."
A few moments later, Aqua had joined Eris in her terrified panic screaming.
Meanwhile, Kazuma and Meta tron appear inside an incredibly beautiful room. Polished white marble made up the walls and columns, the floors was covered in alternating tiles of gold and silver, and the ceiling showed the most impressive visual representation of the universe Kazuma had ever seen.
"So, what do you think?"
"This place... is so awesome. Truly a worthy location for the one in charge to operate under."
"Yes, it truly is, isn't it. And if that wasn't enough, there's also my personal work desk."
Metatron moves away from Kazuma over to a desk situated in the middle of the room. Metatron then holds his arms out in a "please pay special attention to this" kind of way.
"Now, if you come over here and place your hand upon it, you'll find the feel to be unlike anything you've ever felt before. Truly, of all the things I possessed in my time, nothing could even come close to beating this wonder of creation. And the best part is... it's made from mahogany."
Kazuma does as told and walks over, placing his hand upon the desk. Indeed, this oh so simple item truly felt unlike anything he had ever touched before. Truly, this was a desk worthy of the top god in Heaven.
"I can see what you mean. So, what do you say we... Metatron?"
"Mahogany!"
said Metatron in an almost trance like nature before snapping back to reality. After shaking his head clear of the thoughts he was having, he returns his attention back to Kazuma.
"Sorry about that, was lost in the moment back there. So, you were saying?"
"I was saying we should probably get on with the show here, don't you think? So, when do I get my new god powers here?"
"Hm... oh, right. I already transferred my powers over to you. As of this moment, you are now the head of all the divine beings here in Heaven."
Hearing that makes Kazuma pump his arms excitedly. He then cracks his knuckles, and his neck, before beginning to walk back towards the entrance while saying-
"Awesome, I can't wait to test out my new powers. Now, if you will excuse me, there's a few things I've been wanting to go do for a long-LONG time."
A moment later, Kazuma feels Metatron place a hand on his shoulder, making him look back to see Metatron shake his head.
"What's up. Is something wrong?"
"No, nothing wrong. Just thought I should let you know being the guy in charge isn't all fun and games. There are a few details you need to keep in mind. For one thing, there's all the paperwork you'll need to take care of before you can go fooling around. As the old saying goes, business before pleasure."
"I'll deal with that later if it's all the same to..."
"No can do, I'm afraid. This is something that needs to be taken care of now."
Metatron then points to the stack of papers that had suddenly appeared on the desk. Kazuma deadpans as he looks at those papers then at Metatron.
"Don't worry, it's not all that much. You just need to read them then stamp them with either the green confirmation stamp or the red denied stamp. Shouldn't take you longer than an hour or two."
"Seriously... damn, that sucks. Can't be helped, I guess. Only an hour or two, huh? Guess I can take care of these now then go to have some fun. Probably nothing but crap connected to Aqua anyways."
"Connected to... Aqua? Oh right, that reminds me."
'I don't like the sound of that.'
thoughts Kazuma as Metatron walks over to the side, to a door that had suddenly appeared from out of nowhere. Once he reaches the door, he places his hand on the handle but before he turns it, he says-
"None of the papers on the desk have anything to do with Aqua. No, all the Aqua specific documents that need dealing with are all stored in here."
He then opens the door, allowing Kazuma to see what lay beyond and what he saw made his face pale in such a way that one would say it was physically impossible for someone's face to pale.
If you have seen the movie 'Raiders of the Lost Ark,' then I ask you to think of that ending scene; the warehouse that seemed to go on forever and ever with an endless sea of crates stacked one on top of the other stretch farther than the eye could see.
That was what Kazuma was seeing right now inside this side room; and endless stretch of documents waiting to be stamped. Trillions upon trillions of paper pieces all waiting for his hand to take action.
"Ah... ah... ah... ah..."
"Now, I know this may seem a tad overwhelming right now. But if it will make things easier for you, you can stamp each and every one of them with the red stamp. In my entire history at this job, I have never once given anything relating to Aqua the green stamp, apart from the one time when I green stamped her ascension to being the goddess who oversees Japan."
"Ah... ah... ah... ah..."
"Well, I'll be off now, my lord. Think happy thoughts here and don't worry. This should only take you about five to six million years to get all of these taken care of... assuming Aqua doesn't keep adding more to the pile. Really, it'll all be over before you know it. Now, I'm off to the Bahamas."
And with that, Metatron poofs out of the room, leaving Kazuma all by his lonesome.
He just stands there: staring... staring... staring... stare...
"AAAAHHHH! GOD DAMN IT, WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!"
Back in Eris's throne, the two goddesses were still having their panic attack when Metatron suddenly appears in the room. Upon seeing him, Aqua rushes over and grabs onto his collar before shaking him violently while screaming out-
"What have you done? Do you have any idea what you've done, boss? Leaving someone like Crapzuma in charge of creation... Oh, we're doomed; doomed I tell you... DOOMED!"
"I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm in full agreement with Aqua here. This is a bad idea, lord Metatron I like Kazuma... I really-really like Kazuma, I do. But to put him in charge of every..."
Metatron raises his hands, letting them know they needed to calm down and breathe a bit. Once they had done so, he says-
"Relax, you two. Relax for just a moment. Everything's going to be fine, trust me."
But...?" (x2)
"Don't forget, this isn't the first time this has happened. Surely you both remember how we've handled this matter when it has come up in the past."
Aqua cocks her head to the side in confusion while Eris's eyes light up from realization.
"Wait, you don't mean...?"
"What... what does lord Metatron mean?"
"Yes, I mean that. It's rather quite simple, dear Aqua. I'm using the old making them regret their wish method with Satou Kazuma. Currently, he's back in my office taking care of some much needed paperwork completion for me."
To confirm this, Metatron makes an image appear before the two goddesses'; showing them Kazuma now sitting at the desk, working frantically to get all the documents stamped and dealt with. Once the image fades, Aqua asks-
"But is leaving him in charge of that really a good idea? I mean, what if he accidentally approves of..."
"Don't worry, all the papers on my desk are fake so it won't matter what he does with them. I've told everyone to not send anything new until I get back from my much-needed vacation. As for all the documents in the 'warehouse?' I told him to just give those the red stamp so it should all be good."
"I confess I still don't understand what's going on."
said Aqua, getting Eris to explain it to her.
"It's simple, Aqua. Kazuma isn't actually in charge. He's just been made to think he is. Lord Metatron is having him take care of all the dull parts of the job while he's off having a much needed and greatly deserved vacation. Once he gets back..."
"Once I get back, in two weeks, I'll check in on Kazuma. By then, he'll be begging me to take over as head god again and release him from that burden. I shall graciously do so, and he'll be free to return to the mortal realm right after. Oh, before I forget, someone should head down below and alert his friends his return has been delayed by a few more weeks. Hopefully, that won't cause to many issues."
Aqua breathes out a sigh of relief before saying-
"I'll head down and let everyone know. Be back in a bit."
With that, Aqua opens a portal and hops into it, leaving Eris and Metatron alone.
"Well, if you'll be excusing me, Eris. I'll be on my way to start my vacation. See you when I get back."
"Wait, before you go... there's still one thing that has to be addressed. What about Kazuma's wish? Surely, we should still give him something for all his hard work and sacrifice. Not just for defeating the Devil King but for having to suffer living with Aqua for a little over a year."
"Hm, I guess you do have a point. Tell you what, I'll let you decide on how best to reward Satou Kazuma once I return. I'm sure you'll think of something that will be more than fitting. Now, if you'll excuse me, Eris. I'm off to go enjoy the surf, the sun, and maybe even a lovely lady or two."
And with that, Metatron leaves Eris alone in her thoughts.
She walks back over to her throne and sits, her mind already thinking on how best to reward Kazuma for all that he had done and suffered for them all... for her.
A smile takes form as she already had a brilliant idea come to mind. While it may take some time before she could see this reward be given to him, she had no doubt it would be a reward he shall truly enjoy.
{|} until the next chapter... {|}
Next time: Kazuma's feeling depressed and it's up to the girls to figure out a way to make him feel better.