A/n: Chapter...THREE! Whee! I probably don't have to repeat everything, but...meh. Why not?

Kai is Blue/Hana/that girl in Akatsuki with the blue hair and flower. Her name comes from the fact that I personally believe Kai to be much cooler-sounding than the others, and the fact that when I wrote this, it was just after we all realized that her name was not, in fact, Pein, because Pein was--is--the name of Sir Leader.

If anybody reading this story has enough Japanese experience to tell me that I'm being totally incorrect or out-of-context with Tobi's titles...please tell me. This is Akatsuki's pride we're talking about. I don't need to threaten you. The characters will do that for me.

This story...is becoming freakishly popular. In my eyes, at least. So, maybe I'll stop listing names...nah, I'm too nice to not do that.

Thanks to (in no particular order) Werewulf girl, LUIGAA, Shi.no.Tenshi.desu, darkmoonphase, Martial artist-Mariko, and...is that all? If I forgot your name, and you faved/reviewed/set this story/me because of this story to your alerts, and you want your name up here, please say so. If you don't want me to mention your name here (although considering the lack of beta-reading offers I'm starting to suspect that I'm the only one who reads author's notes and thus the only one who would know), just say so. And yes, that is a possibility; the only person reading another fanfiction of mine specifically requested that I leave her name out of the a/n.

Sorry for making the pre-chapter rant almost longer than the chapter. I'll try not to do that again. To ensure that, I ask you to bear in mind a lot of what I said here.

Oh. I just realized that I only have one chapter after this completed. Uh-oh. Um...I'm going to be a lot more hesitant on posting the next chapter, and the one after, and then it'll be dependant on me finishing...yeah. And, FYI, I never intended this to be a long story. It wasn't even really supposed to have chapters. So, yeah. Not much more...

Warnings: Um...seriously, I wrote this a few days ago, and I don't remember what happened in this chapter specifilcally rather than last chapter or next chapter, so this might be totally innacurate when I say that it's rated for perversions and language and maybe some violence and future male-on-male pairings. You have been warned.

Disclaimer: Look, Hidan's taking his shirt off! Notice how Hidan's shirt is not being taken off (it was off already). That is my demonstration of how what I do is not what really happens. Why is that? Because I don't own Naruto. (All that leading up to that one simple phrase...)

Ad: ...okay, I have the song all set and everything. Please don't make me sing. I would very much appreciate anyone who would offer to beta-read for me, I would very much appreciate you giving me reasons why you don't want to/have time to beta-read for me. But...pleeeeeeaaaasseee?

Two dozen hours later, Akatsuki was again gathered around the kitchen table, save Itachi and Kisame, out on a mission, and Tobi, who stood silently in the corner. The collective and summarized thoughts of the most senior seven members present were, 'Another day, another family member…who will it be today?' Eyes shifted from one person to another, each accusing others of being like a brother to Tobi, each accusing others of being the next to fall prey to the sappiness of family that each of them had long since abandoned, and for oh so many great reasons that made them sourly bitter about Tobi's new titles.

Each person ate their food as fast as possible, considering their hesitation and preoccupation. Each person wanted to leave the room as fast as possible, to prolong their existence outside what the childish new member believed to be a family. And yet, nobody left after their plates were cleaned, for, overwhelming the desire to avoid assimilation, was a desire to see the fall of the hammer, the incorporation of another person, the misfortune of another man.

Finally, Pein cleared his throat, being sick of the tense silence, and went into Leader Mode, announcing anything important as his gaze passed casually around the table. "Well, since we seem to have nothing better to do than sit around at the table pointlessly, we may as well go over the facts. For example, we have no running water tonight," he announced tartly, receiving quite a few negative responses, "due to someone not paying our bills." At the emphasized word, his gaze turned to and magnified on Kakuzu, who suddenly seemed very interested in his nails. "Kakuzu? Is there any particular reason why you decided that no water is a good thing?"

Even Pein realized what he was saying; he by now was cursing himself for making it sound like that. 'Stop proving Tobi right,' he scolded himself. 'You should be stopping this escapade of his, not encouraging it!'

Kakuzu ignored this and answered tartly, "Well, it's not like water's cheap or anything—we had to spend the money instead on heating and food. Ever since we got that cookbook, everyone's been insisting on harder meals, which require more expensive ingredients. And we haven't been collecting as many bounties or anything as we should be, so we're kind of low on money in the first place."

Pein nodded and pointed out, "Yes, but that can be changed. You should have been faster to tell me this and I would send everyone out on missions that would give us a profit rather than those that would set us back. Is there any particular reason why you didn't do this?" 'I'm not a father, I'm not a father, I'm not a father…' he found himself repeating mentally.

"I thought that you knew," Kakuzu grumbled. "Furthermore, I fail to see the reason for having to pay for water when it worked just fine back in the old days to go up the hill and get some water from the well, and you didn't have to pay for it back then either!"

"Well, seeing as we don't live anywhere near a well, you'll just…have to…" Pein lost his train of thought as he noticed Tobi detaching himself from the wall. All eyes turned to see what he was looking at, and then no gaze was directed anywhere other than the masked member as he walked toward the table, Hidan's eyes growing in fear as Tobi's direction aimed near him…

But it didn't yet fall on him. Instead, Tobi stopped behind Kakuzu's chair, where the Akatsuki treasurer had craned his neck to watch the decision along with everyone else. The newest member took Kakuzu's hand and announced, "Good morning, Kakuzu-ojiisan."

Ojiisan. Grandfather.

There was a moment of shocked silence; everyone had expected that Tobi would proceed to consider each and every other member a brother, but he was apparently being more original than that, calling Kakuzu a grandfather, not to mention a lot more courageous.

Then it sank in, and Hidan, sitting next to his partner, burst into laughter. "Kakuzu, y-you're a fucking g-grandf-father now!" he howled mirthfully.

Everyone else was now grinning evilly at Kakuzu; Kai was the only one who just looked on boredly, her heavily lidded eyes revealing uncharacteristic warmth as her lips curled so slightly that one knew somehow that she was smiling even though her mouth seemed shaped more like a frown. It puzzled Pein, the only one looking anywhere but Tobi and his new "grandfather." He was intrigued by Kai's sudden expression, brought out by the antics of the new masked member. He had been considering telling Tobi to stop, to give up on turning Akatsuki into a family, for they were cold-blooded murderers who needed no such warmth, but if it was making Kai reveal herself for who she really was, so be it; he would not protest, having been trying to find more out about the blue-haired kunoichi's personality himself.

Pein would have been left out of the continued conversation if anyone but Kai had said, "Is it really so funny?"

Hidan managed to gasp between his laughter, "F-f-fuck—y-yeah!"

"Just think," Kai speculated, her smile turning slightly psychotic. "You might not be Tobi's brother. You never know which part of the family he thinks you are."

Hidan gave her a defiant smile. "Yeah, well, what the fuck is worse than being a grandfather?"

At that point, Tobi's attention turned to the white-haired masochist and hugged him. "Good morning, Hidan-obaasan."

It took a moment for this to sink in. The idea of Tobi deciding two family members in one day hadn't really occurred to anyone as a possibility, and it also took some time for everyone to fully realize and accept that Tobi just called Hidan his grandmother.

His grand...mother?

Hidan even took a moment to realize it, but when he did, his eyes widened irritably as the lower lid started to twitch. Pein found himself chuckling slightly under his breath, and Kai's recent warm smile was more than slightly malicious again. Slowly, the other members of Akatsuki realized it as well. Deidara's mouth contorted into an irregular wave as he attempted to suppress a loud cackle of hysterical laughter; Sasori shook his head slowly, smiling all the while; both of Zetsu's halves grinned stupidly and left the room, their laughter heard even with the solid wooden door in the way.

Let's keep track of the timeline right here:

Day 1: Pein becomes father (Otousama)
Day 2: Kai becomes mother (Okaachan)
Day 3: Kakuzu becomes grandfather (Obaasan), Hidan becomes grandmother (Ojiisan)

Also, a preview thing for next chapter!
There are but three people in Akatsuki to be named in Tobi's family--assuming you consider Zetsu as one person. It's a wonder how balanced the males and females of the family can remain in a group with only one woman...