A/n: Kai is now known as Konan, but I didn't know that at the time and just made her up a name, which just so happened to wind up being Kai. Additionally, I didn't really know anything for sure about Japanese family titles, which is still the case even if I'm more confident in it now.

I'd like to talk pairings. There are three in this story, and I'm kind of curious what everyone thinks. In the future, I may ask readers which ones they want to see it turned into, but not here, because, well, it's already done, and also because half the intention of writing this was to promote one specific couple.
For anyone interested in guessing which ones I'm using, I'll give you a few hints: only one is straight; one has implications already appearing in this chapter; all are within Akatsuki pairs except one; one is painstakingly obvious by Tobi's naming system; one is incest by Tobi's titles, but I guess he hasn't titled those guys yet. And, yes, that was five hints for three pairings. Obviously, the hint/pairing ratio is not exactly one.

Shout-out to the fans: cold hearted girl, Daemon-In-White, Insane lady of doom, Werewulf girl, LUIGAA, Shi.no.Tenshi.desu, darkmoonphase, Martial artist-Mariko. Holy shit, that list takes up about a full line in preview mode! The popularity of this story is scaring me--I have two fangirls on deviantART now thanks to it!

Due to my mother taking my laptop because I can't find my cell phone, I won't be posting again for a little while. I have the next several chapters, yes, but I don't like how the last chapter came out, so I'm trying to rewrite that one, and I don't like putting huge gaps between chapters. And...last time, when I mentioned that this is the last chapter I wrote...I was lying. I was thinking of another instance of Hidan getting rather displeased with people.

And...I was thinking of something else...oh, right. People have been commenting/reviewing with talks of Deidara and what his position will be in the family. I know what you're suspecting. And all I have to say is this: my lips are sealed. But if you look at my profile and think of the couple-hints, given the characters leftover from this chapter, you could probably figure it out. And I am vaguely interested in who everyone thinks will be paired with who, and what piece of the family any given person is. It's all set in stone already, admittedly, but I want to know what people think.

Sorry for the long ramble, but I think it was essentially necessary. Also, for those interested, I'm putting in a preview feature at the end of each chapter. If you want to go back and see how horrible I am at foreshadowing, feel free.

Warnings: Language, sexual interpretations, shounen-ai/yaoi/slash/guy-on-guy pairings, all at various points in the story that are not necessarily in this chapter.

Disclaimer: If I owned the members of Akatsuki, they would be living as one big sappy--er, happy family rather than DYING.

Another day, another family member. Except, if Tobi kept up with his pace from the previous day, there would be two or three more by sundown. Er, by the end of breakfast, but anyone would be saying sundown anyway because that sounded a lot more dramatic. Deidara had started using that term; it had been what made everyone realize how dramatic they found this, and thus made them realize that it would be best to cheer themselves up about it, which started the gambling that was made off of it. Tobi didn't know these bets, as they had been very discreet about them, but almost everyone else knew; Itachi and Kisame had been informed upon their return in the later hours of the day, and were now exchanging a glare, which Pein knew was because the tension between them created by Itachi betting Kai's flower that Tobi would make multiple additions today, and if Tobi only admitted one, Kisame's pet fish would be moved to Itachi's side of the room.

Today, before making his decision, Tobi was perched on the counter, looking like he was crouching to pick up an ant or something, but on the counter. Normally, someone would scold him, but it gave him an uncharacteristic vulture-like appearance that kept everyone away, as well as seemed fitting for the situation. Not to mention, Pein was finding too much enjoyment in watching everyone squirm under the tension combined from fear of being selected, fear of bets going astray, and fear of Tobi's suddenly ominous form. Why on earth the childish member was suddenly so feared, none of them would ever be able to tell, but he was, and the very fact that he had set the five remaining Akatsuki members up for nervous breakdowns made him a force to be feared.

Zetsu, Kisame, Itachi, Deidara, and Sasori had yet to be titled. Kisame grinned psychotically, trying to hide his fear but not really succeeding as his eyes darted from side to side; Zetsu's white half focused on a spot on the ceiling while his black half stared intently at a spot in his plate, both sides sweating furiously; Deidara was trembling in every way, his mouth jerking awkwardly and his hands twitching constantly, and he ended up almost poking himself in the eye with his chopsticks; Sasori remained relatively still, being a puppet and thus incapable of eating, but constantly looking about nervously while stretching and rolling his joints, apparently trying to loosen up; and Itachi, apparently calmest of them all, didn't seemed phased at all, keeping face turned down to his food and eating like normal, but Pein had well-trained eyes and saw the ever-so-slight twitch of his chopsticks as they neared his mouth, though he didn't doubt that the only other person to notice would be the Uchiha himself.

Silence stretched uncomfortably, but it wasn't as long as yesterday's; Pein had decided that Tobi's decision had something to do with how the conversation went, and conversation was the leader's responsibility, seeing as, among S-ranked criminals, there was nothing to talk about other than their survival, and he was the one who best knew the whereabouts of that. So, he cleared his throat and announced, "Deidara."

The blonde bomb artist abruptly stood up jumpily, sweating profusely, his one visible eye wide with a dilated pupil as it twitched around and he cried, "I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm not your sister, I'm a man!"

Pein stared at the anxious member, smiling ever so slightly behind that lovely high collar. Oh, the reasons he had settled on that high collar in the uniform cloak. "I fail to see how that is relevant to the fact that you put another hole in the roof."

"Huh? Oh!" Deidara stammered, slightly relieved but no less nervous. "Yeah, um, it's kind of, yeah, like…sorry, yeah, hmm…"

"Sasori," Pein said, causing the puppet to jerk, "had a slight complaint about the rain coming in last night."

"I-I did?" Sasori asked, his own eyes wide in terror. "I don't remember—"

"You do now," Pein answered, staring directly at Sasori.

"U-uh, okay, I—I guess I do remember," Sasori agreed nervously, looking away awkwardly, "telling you that—that I don't like that hole in the roof…"

There was a clatter of pans hitting the floor; Tobi stepped off the counter clumsily and accidentally knocked over the saucepans that were used for cooking today's breakfast. He muttered, "Sorry," righted himself, replaced the fallen pans and proceeded to walk toward Sasori and Deidara's general direction.

The redhead stood up abruptly and moved to leave, but before he could, the blonde, terrified and in need of comfort, grasped the puppet and clung to him as though his life depended on it. Oddly enough, in Pein's eyes, he didn't protest; in fact, he was hugging the bomb artist back.

Tobi walked toward them; and then, he walked past them, even though they were on the far end of the table. The two self-proclaimed artists' eyes widened, and they looked at each other before tightening their grasps; Tobi was circling the table, and this new duck-duck-goose style had them panicking, if possible, even more, so much that Deidara was whimpering loud enough for even Pein, at the other end of the table, to hear.

Tobi walked around the table three times; on the third pass, Pein could have sworn he heard giggling under the mask, and then he was passing the end of the table where nobody had yet been selected. He stopped briefly behind each one, pondering; behind Deidara and Sasori, of course, they tensed, Deidara muttering something about how he was definitely male, until he finally moved on, with only one person farther from them.

Tobi must have had the most foolish grin on his face under that mask as he approached Zetsu from behind. The hybrid creature stood shakily, until Tobi steadied them with a hug, saying, "Good morning, Zetsu-ojisans."

Ojisan…s? Uncle…s? Zetsu got off easy. The worst part was being thought of as two uncles instead of one, but even that wasn't so bad. Considering that Deidara seemed afraid of gender mistakes, Pein decided that Zetsu had a stroke of luck, being considered plural. Who knew? Maybe nobody else would be considered male again.

And, of course, there was Kai with that happy smile, and Pein was again lost in thought, so much so that he didn't notice that Tobi wasn't done until he was walking behind Pein and almost giggling again. ' Oh dear,' he thought worriedly. ' At this rate, we'll all be a family before the end of the week. Considering these guys, I'm not sure I want it so rushed…'

And finally, as if a roulette, Tobi started to slow down as he approached the non-assimilated end, causing those who hadn't yet been entered to tense once more, until Tobi finally stopped, behind…Kisame.

The blue-skinned man had his eyes closed, and was likely praying to any god that he might believe in that he'd not be thought of as the pet fish or something—although, whether the pet fish had a title of its own, nobody would know.

Tobi's arms went around the humanoid, and he declared, "Good morning, Kisame-obasan."

Obasan, meaning aunt.

Kisame…was an aunt.

An aunt? Yes, an aunt.

Kisame started turning indigo in what everyone else considered a blush. His eyes were closed, as he tried to contain his emotions, but the clenched fists at his sides were shaking.

Oddly, nobody burst into laughter this time. Maybe it was the bets, maybe it was the seemingly random selection of gender, but suddenly, it wasn't funny. Everyone was looking from person to person, sharing grave looks; if nobody knew better, Kisame had been announced dead rather than the sister of Tobi's parent.

Let's keep track of the timeline right here:

Day 1: Pein becomes father (Otousama)
Day 2: Kai becomes mother (Okaachan)
Day 3: Kakuzu becomes grandfather (Obaasan), Hidan becomes grandmother (Ojiisan)
Day 4: Zetsu becomes uncles (Ojisans), Kisame becomes aunt (Obasan)

I think I was a little less energetic at the time that I finished that; that, or I was sick of having to be so repetitive as to describe how everyone laughs at everyone else's misfortune every time.

Also, a preview thing for next chapter!
Six members of Akatsuki are officially members of Tobi's family over a course of four days, but in organizing his family, Tobi has been skipping breakfast and needs a day off, leaving Sasori, Deidara, and Itachi to fidget. How will they survive this tension alone? Then again, who said they have to be alone?