A/n: Woot. Chapter 5. Kai is Konan, because people tend to name people who weren't yet named at the time, and if anyone finds anything wrong with my Japanese, please say so.

I'm so sorry. I made you people wait and this chapter's just filler. Just something to happen to...well, yeah. It's an attempt to explain the reasoning for some of the stranger titles. I think I flew through it too fast, though.

To the fans: Yeah, look at this, the story's so popular that I have so many fans (you don't mind me calling you that, do you?) that I'm just giving you all your own space right here.
Thank you to Dukesamcules, cold hearted girl, Daemon-In-White, Insane lady of doom, Werewulf girl, LUIGAA, Shi.no.Tenshi.desu, darkmoonphase, Martial artist-Mariko, for reviewing and adding this story and myself to faves and alerts. It really does mean a lot to me. At the same time that it scares me. But, that's mostly me, I can't feel only a single emotion for any one thing or person or concept or anything.

Warnings: Ehhh...oh, you know it from previous chapters, right?

Discliamer: If Akatsuki were mine to do whatever I wanted to do with...we'd have tea parties, man, and Pein would be in a pink flowery apron...and they wouldn't keep on dying like ol' Kishi's doing with them.

The next day, everyone arrived early at breakfast, because it was normally reasonably late in the morning, but now, everyone had a truly good reason to come earlier. They sat at the table, anxious to see who was next; Akatsuki had turned into a reality television show, and everyone wondered who would be eliminated this round, how, and why. There were only three contestants still in the game: Itachi, Sasori, and Deidara. The last three, the most anxious at the table. Deidara looked flat-out ashen, his breathing irregular, his one eye darting, his hair tangled, and he went running for the bathroom every ten minutes or so, returning even paler than before. Sasori seemed capable of handling the physical symptoms of anxiety, but that didn't mean that it didn't make him self-conscious; he was now continually plucking lint from his robe, running a hand through his hair, adjusting his plate, and examining his nails. Itachi, on the other hand, was perfectly calm; the only thing giving away his calm was his skin being ever so slightly paler and his gaze suddenly being a lot more direct, focused rather than the cool expression of boredom that they usually displayed.

Their worries, however, were proven pointless; Tobi, upon entering, did not linger away from the table as he usually did, but instead sat down at his seat, sighing loudly, before piling food onto his plate. It suddenly occurred to Pein that, in his careful examination of the other members and how they related to him, he hadn't sat down and eaten breakfast in some…four days? Tobi deserved a day off, Pein thought.

While the three remaining contestants exchanged nervous glances, Tobi went on as though nothing had happened; he turned his mask sideways and started to eat, as though nothing was had changed since he was on the table, staring at Pein to get his attention. The only difference at all was that, on the occasion that he had to address someone, if they had yet been titled, he would call them as such.

"Please pass the maple syrup, Hidan-obaasan," Tobi requested politely.

Hidan, half of his anger likely triggered from the anxiety from earlier, stood up in frustration. "Why the fucking hell am I a mother-fucking grandmother, anyway?" Sasori snickered, earning a death-glare from the white-haired Jashin-worshiper.

All of Tobi's face that wasn't obscured by the wide strap of the mask displayed what almost seemed to be an evil smile. "Well, when Tobi thinks of a grandmother, Tobi thinks of a lady with white hair who has strong religious beliefs," he explained reasonably. "And you have white hair as well as a strong belief in your religion. Just like Kakuzu-ojiisan is like a grandfather because he's always complaining about how things were back in the old days, especially prices."

Hidan opened his mouth to protest before realizing that Tobi had a point. He opened his mouth again and this time asked, "Why the hell are you even calling all of us family?"

Tobi's smile faded, and he turned back to his plate, mumbling something that Pein couldn't hear before clearing his throat and asking again for the maple syrup.

Let's keep track of the timeline right here:

Day 1: Pein becomes father (Otousama)
Day 2: Kai becomes mother (Okaachan)
Day 3: Kakuzu becomes grandfather (Ojiisan), Hidan becomes grandmother (Obaasan)
Day 4: Zetsu becomes uncles (Ojisans), Kisame becomes aunt (Obasan)
Day 5: Tobi explains a few things.

Also, a preview of next chapter!
Everyone saw it coming a mile away. From the moment Tobi called Hidan a grandmother to prove that he wasn't always sticking to proper gender, we all knew, this would happen.