A/n: Kai is my name for Konan, because I didn't know better at the time and Kai sounded better/cooler than Blue or Hana (which everyone else was calling her at the time), and I would like to be informed of any mistakes I make involving the Japanese language.

Yeah. I got a bunch of comments from everywhere mentioning Deidara's role in the family. So this one's obvious, we could see it a mile away. No, ten miles away. We just (if I wrote it write) didn't see it with all these details a mile away.

To the fans: Thank you, Thintellumaien, mooneasterbunny, Careless Whisperer, Errol the flying evil thing, Dukesamcules, cold hearted girl, Daemon-In-White, Insane lady of doom, Werewulf girl, LUIGAA, Shi.no.Tenshi.desu, darkmoonphase, Martial artist-Mariko. If I was Hidan, I'd say holy fucking shit I'm fucking amazed that I have this many fans. But I'm not. So I'll just say Wow. That's a lot. For me, at least. And you guys have been great--I've been lacking motivation lately, you people helped with that a lot, and I'm really sorry that I can't foresee a chance to post the next few chapters any time soon because of cell phone loosage leading to laptop confiscatage.

Warning: Why am I even still putting this here? Oh well. Hidan's a potty mouth of a grandmother, Sasori's a pervert, Deidara's so girly he gets paired with dudes, Pein is the leader of Akatsuki, Tobi is Tobi, and cheese is tastey. Yeah.

Disclaimer: Pein and Kai and Sasori and Deidara and Tobi and Zetsu and Itachi and Kisame and Hidan and Kakuzu, they all belong to Masashi Kishimoto, not me. I'm just borrowing them. And renaming Kai. Because it's probably better than what he'd name her anyway.

The reality television series continued the next day. Anxiety seemed to have hit an all-time high, everyone uncertain as to whether Tobi would even select a new family member today, but also aware that the whole thing could end today. Most of them were hopeful that it would be long and drawn-out; Pein acknowledged that he wasn't the only one who was getting a kick out of watching Sasori, Deidara, and Itachi squirm under the pressure. Itachi, less so, admittedly, but Deidara seemed to have grown quite close to his partner in the past few days; Hidan had gone so far as to pin pictures of the bomb artist holding the sleeping puppet (although there were questions as to how willing Sasori was, seeing as puppets supposedly didn't sleep) for comfort at night. Pein wondered several times if Tobi was finding enjoyment in this or not, but he didn't think that the orange-masked and immature member had it in him to find as much amusement in the misfortune of others as the rest of Akatsuki.

Tobi's behavior was another reason that nobody wanted this to end; for whatever reason, during the time of his considerations, Tobi remained absolutely silent, speaking only to say good morning to whoever he was assimilating into his family, occasionally asking for something, and yesterday when he explained Kakuzu and Hidan's positions in the family. It was almost eerie, but nobody was complaining yet that they had something more like silence in the base.

Today, Tobi seemed to realize that everyone was being early and arrived as though that was the normal time; he was already sitting on the floor next to his perch the other day when everyone else walked in and sat at the table in their usual places. Pein took a moment to check the physical displays of the finalists' mental stability. Itachi was relatively normal, doing nothing out of the ordinary aside from an occasional and seemingly random twitch; Sasori sat stiffly, his eyes closed tolerantly, seeming entirely relaxed, so much so that Pein started to suspect him of being on drugs, his arms lazily around Deidara; and Deidara…was leaning on Sasori's shoulder in the most disgustingly blissfully cute kind of way, and considering Sasori's tolerance and Deidara's mirrored serenity, Pein couldn't help suspecting that either they were both on drugs or they were going out. Or maybe both. He'd probably never be able to tell, although when he thought about it, could a puppet be doing drugs? Maybe he drugged Deidara. Why he'd do that, Pein didn't doubt that he'd never know, partially because he wasn't sure he wanted to know even whether it was drugs or love or both.

Oh well. It didn't matter, and Pein had comic strips to read; he hadn't read the paper since that first day, after all, so he was rather behind on his favorite series. It was Sunday, so he could finish it cleanly with the special colored strips, and there wasn't even a guarantee that Tobi would add to the family today, and if he did, it would be verbal, and Pein would know anyway. So he spread open the newspaper, careful to keep the front page on the outside so nobody would suspect his little "hobby," and went on reading.

He was halfway caught up, snickering mentally at the misfortune of Hagar the Horrible, when he was brought back to reality by the sound of Itachi clearing his throat loudly. Pein set down the thin paper, looking up to see what was going on, and saw that Tobi was towering behind Sasori and Deidara. Pein didn't remember him being that tall. Did Tobi have a growth spurt? No, Tobi was fully grown…wasn't he? Oh well. He was probably standing on something or just looking like it because of the drama about to ensue or because Sasori and Deidara were sitting (still in their eerie bliss) while he stood.

Itachi cleared his throat again, louder this time. Sasori lazily opened his closest eye questioningly, and Itachi twitched his head sideways, toward Tobi. Before the puppet could rotate its red-haired head to see the spiral, there were arms around him. He and Deidara jumped, Deidara more so, and exchanged determined if anxious glances that essentially said, "This is the moment of truth."

Pein grinned behind his wonderfully tall collar. 'They should sign up for a real reality show,' he found himself thinking. 'They'd do wonderfully.'

Sasori and Deidara, oddly synchronized, took a deep, shuddering breath, and Tobi greeted, "Good morning, Sasori-ani." 'Brother?' everyone else wondered, more than slightly displeased. 'That's the best he can think of?' "Good morning," Tobi went on, and the more hopeful half of Akatsuki took another breath and held it before the final words issued from behind the mask, "Deidara-ane."

Ane, meaning sister, although this was more than slightly different than the others. Deidara flinched angrily, as Sasori smiled softly, almost seeming to try reassuring the blonde. And, of course, there was Kai again, smiling like this was really a true family.

Tobi straightened himself and left the room, leaving the rest of Akatsuki to talk about his decisions.

"Man, how fucking aboriginal can you get?" Hidan demanded. "I mean, come on—Sasori's his brother, what fucking retard wouldn't have thought of that shit, and we all know that Deidara was fucking doomed to be considered anything but male! I mean, seriously—if he was damn lucky, he'd be the fucking pet cactus rather than the sister!"

"What's wrong with a pet cactus?" both of Zetsu's halves chorused, the white half sounding hurt while the black half sounded threatening.

"I never said—"

Sasori snickered. "Hidan, you really do need to stop cursing so much. It implies things."

"What, fucking pet ca—…" He closed his mouth and squinted at Sasori, shaking his head. "You know why you're so damn perverted? All that work with those fucking dolls—"

"Don't say it like that," Sasori ordered menacingly. "It's nothing like that. And they're puppets, not dolls."

"All that work with those fucking pu—"

"Just stop using that word," Sasori demanded. "It's degrading. And…no. It's not like—"

"Look, working with dolls or puppets or whatever the fucking hell you call them," Hidan insisted, "you're far too familiar with the human body, and it turned you into the damned pervert that you are today!"

Sasori sighed. "I'm not a pervert," he told Hidan patiently, his arms around Deidara tightening ever so slightly. "You're just jealous because I have more experience in that subject than you."

Hidan grinned evilly. "You mean you have more…fucking experience?"

Sasori's cheeks mysteriously flushed red and he looked away from his white-haired coworker. "N-no I don't! I meant normal relationships, you—you masochistic—little—"

"Whatever you say, my perverted little grandson," Hidan agreed sarcastically. Sasori kept his face turned away and acted like he didn't hear this remark, until Hidan added, "who has a relationship with my innocent little granddaughter."

Sasori's hair was naturally a flaming tomato red. Seriously, the color of his hair made the clouds on his uniform Akatsuki cloak seem pale, and Pein had been quite certain to order the reddest color on those clouds. Thus, as physically impossible as Pein thought it, it truly was saying something in mentioning that his hair did seem rather paled by his blush. "I-it's not like that!" he protested. "W-we were just, you know, k-kinda r-relying on each other—f-for support, when we were a-all worried about Tobi—"

"So those pictures you put up everywhere weren't photoshopped?" Kisame wondered, his statement obviously directed at Hidan.

"That was you?!" Deidara demanded, his own face none too pale as he defiantly tried to change the subject.

"Yeah," Hidan answered. "It was. What of it?"

Deidara blushed furiously and he started to try struggling out of Sasori's grasp, which had tightened in anger. " I'm going to fucking murder you!"

"Fucking murder? That sounds painful," Hidan mocked.

"Sasori-chan! Let me go!" Deidara ordered, the pitch of his voice heightening in the faltering breath resulting from Sasori's death-grip limiting his airstream. "I'm gonna fucking kill him!"

"Have you forgotten that I'm immortal?" Hidan reminded nonchalantly.

"I'm going to fucking make you fucking wish so fucking hard that you fucking could fucking die!" Deidara screamed breathlessly. "You'll go bang—you'll go boom—and then you'll go bang again, until your in such tiny pieces that you'll fucking pray to your fucking god that he would just fucking let you die for once in your fucking pitiful fucking life!"

Pein had sudden prophetic visions of Deidara's horrible and painful death at Hidan's hands for insulting Jashin like that. This wasn't going to be…well, he was Pein. He would record it on video and play it back, watching it as he fell asleep; but any reasonably sane human being probably wouldn't consider it pretty. It would be quite graphic—a lot of blood, and a lot of pain…even to this day, Pein wondered how his parents could possibly have predicted his love for what he was named after. It's almost like his parents wanted him to grow up to be a villain. And he could say the same for Itachi—honestly, who would name their child after a weasel? —but it wasn't exactly relevant.

Sasori, unlike his companion, seemed to have a little common sense, and stood up, the struggling blonde still in his arms, mentioned, "Excuse me," and half-carried, half-dragged the bomb artist past a boiling Hidan and out of the room, their exit reminding Pein of the potential fury that he could be facing, which most of Akatsuki seemed to realize as well, and the kitchen was quickly evacuated. As he strode briskly to the calm of the rather large bedroom reserved for himself and Kai, who was following his lead, he found himself suddenly grateful that he didn't require the other members to eat any other meal with them, and thus they wouldn't have to worry about the kitchen until tomorrow.

Let's keep track of the timeline right here:

Day 1: Pein becomes father (Otousama)
Day 2: Kai becomes mother (Okaachan)
Day 3: Kakuzu becomes grandfather (Ojiisan), Hidan becomes grandmother (Obaasan)
Day 4: Zetsu becomes uncles (Ojisans), Kisame becomes aunt (Obasan)
Day 5: Tobi explains a few things.
Day 6: Sasori becomes brother (Oniichan), Deidara becomes sister (Oneechan)

Also, a preview of next chapter!
The kitchen is in shambles, all with a great many thanks to Hidan. In other words, no breakfast in the kitchen. But where else can Akatsuki share a meal altogether as a family?

(I'm really sorry, but the next chapter won't be up for a while--there's only two or three chapters left, and I can't access the last two or so because my mom took my laptop. So...yeah, sorry! Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry SORRY! I wish I could post them, but I can't, and I'm sorry!)