A/n: Kai is Konan. I didn't know that at the time, however, and took the liberty of naming her myself, which is probably better than leaving Kishimoto to run his naming "magic" aka CURSE (no offense, but really, he named a villian after a weasel) before I could have my fun. Uh-huh. Yeah. You already knew that.

Okay. This may or may not be the last chapter to be posted for quite some time, because there is school coming as well as one DragonCon. So, yeah, I'll be really slow on that.

Looking back...the first two sentances of this chapter are a lie. This is probably the most eventful morning in the whole story. Probably.

To the fans: Thanks to: Kyoky13, Kimberly-SA, Primeval Eidolon Star, FaintMirage, Kawaii Chibi Shun, animelover123456, Icetor01, For Whom, Jager Nod, kittypurr714, Wyvren Wing, uchiha fan gurl, yuki takahashi, Thintellumaien, mooneasterbunny, Careless Whisperer, Errol the flying evil thing, Dukesamcules, cold hearted girl, Daemon-In-White, Insane lady of doom, Werewulf girl, LUIGAA, Shi.no.Tenshi.desu, darkmoonphase, Martial artist-Mariko. Because you came straight out and told me that you acknowledge my existance, if only for my writing. And, maybe not that directly...yeah.

Special thanks to For Whom, who pointed out my issue with Japanese titling. Yes, I know, why am I thanking you when I'm not even using your advice? I don't know. I really want to change it, but I don't think I should. Hmmm...do you guys think you'll be able to handle the likely confusion that would come into play if they were to become Hidan-baachan and Kisame-bachan and Kakuzu-ojiisan and Zetsu-ojisans?

Also...maybe from here on out you can figure out what Itachi's role in the family is? Well, not really in the family...that's exactly it. His role in...Tobi's life, I guess. And, yeah...everyone seems to want things to wind up other than how they are...so, maybe I'll make an alternate ending? And this story's really incredibly popular, so...sequel? Maybe...if anyone has any suggestions, then I'd be happy to comit myself to a continuation. As of yet, the only thing that wouldn't be totally depressing would be adding pets...but, Kisame already has a pet...which reminds me. Yeah, I'm totally unimaginitive about names. So sue me. But, have you ever noticed that there's never two beings with the same name unless it's the entire point of the plot? I couldn't think of a fishy name and I didn't feel like explaining it to my brother after randomly swivelling about and asking him what you'd name a fish. And besides--it's probably better than Kishimoto would do. Really--if you gave that fish to Kishimoto, he'd probably name it...Awa, or something. Which, according to an online Enlish-Japanese dictionary, means Bubble. Yeah. In case you can't tell, I have a problem with Kishi's naming system. Don't get me started.

Warnings: You should know by now.

Disclaimer: Hey, look, if I owned Akatsuki...haven't I gone over this? Itachi and Tobi would be duct-taped together, and Sasori and Deidara would be, too. And every time Hidan's head fell off, I'd duct tape it to his ass. And laugh my own off at his misfortune.

It was odd. The only event of notable importance was Pein's angst over his bedroom being turned into the kitchen. Unfortunately, the victims of Hidan's rampage included the kitchen table, so even if it could fit through the door, it was in too many pieces to be used as such. Instead, the nine men of Akatsuki sat around on Pein and Kai's beds as they ate off the largest remains of the wooden table. There was much glaring directed at Hidan throughout the meal, and he responded only with a defiant look as though it had been necessary or something. Tobi ate at the foot of Kai's bed, where she was enjoying the wonders of breakfast in bed (and they were indeed quite wondrous, she constantly emphasized). Oddly enough, there was absolutely no tension in the air—no anxiety, no challenge, no glares (minus those cast toward Hidan). Pein found it quite intriguing that, with Itachi being the only one left unnamed, it was like a blister being popped—all the pressure just suddenly drained—except, popping blisters implies negativity, but nothing really seemed negative in either way.

There were conversations for the first time since Pein officially and literally became the father of Akatsuki. Kisame was making some rude remark about Sasori and Deidara having incest, while Zetsu's white half rambled off to his black half about this new recipe he read about (the black half whining that he knew, he was his other half, he read the magazine at the same time). Nothing really abnormal. It was almost like the reality series had ended, because there was only one left, leaving him as the one and only winner. The problem was, Pein didn't like the idea of leaving anyone out of the family. He was the father of the family, the head, and he didn't like the idea of one so powerful as Itachi left out of his clan. Pein wondered briefly if Tobi was somehow…favoring Itachi. But that was unlikely—now Itachi was left out of the family, he was segregated, how could that be favoritism?

Trying to bring attention to himself, Pein cleared his throat. "Itachi," he began.

Itachi's head snapped upward just a little too twitchily to not give away his anxiety. "Yes sir?"

Pein grinned under his ever-beloved high collar. He just wanted to mess with the Uchiha's mind, in all honesty, but he quickly covered this up. "How has Kisame's fish been?" Okay. Not his best cover-up, but he was the great, almighty, and fearsome leader of Akatsuki! He could get away with a little mistake-like slip.

As was proven immediately. "Kai is fine," Itachi answered coolly, obviously not noticing that ever-so-slight pause taken when Pein thought of an excuse.

Kai? Kisame's fish was named…Kai? Huh. How…interesting, Pein supposed. Kai (the blue-haired member of Akatsuki) looked up slightly at Itachi using her name, but quickly realized what he meant and looked back down as if nothing had happened. Nobody else noticed, however, and thus the secret of her name was safe.

"Well, that's good," Pein agreed and leaned back, about to lean back and open his newspaper…wait, he forgot his newspaper. "Itachi, have you seen today's newspaper?"

Itachi shook his head and stood up. "Shall I leave to retrieve it?"

"Yes, thank you," Pein answered, looking around at the rest of his little family as Itachi left the room. He found himself almost grateful that Tobi had started all this—now he had something else to refer to Akatsuki as. And it was rather entertaining—another meaning for things opened up so many possibilities, so many debates, so much potential angst and pain…oh, how Pein envied the sweet miraculous foresight of his parents for giving him such a perfect name…

Pein awaited Itachi's return. And he waited. He leaned back, sighed, and waited. What the hell was taking that Uchiha so long? It was just a bloody newspaper! It would be sitting on the front step—what was so hard about finding the front step and picking up a newspaper and bringing it back? Weren't the Sharingan supposed to give him, like, super-vision or something? Oh, right. Mangekyou Sharingan was making Itachi blind. Pein cursed himself for having forgotten that. He should have sent Hidan.

Five minutes later, Pein was on the verge of getting up and finding that stupid murdering plotting Uchiha for himself and mugging Itachi for the newspaper. Furious, he turned a glare around in the room, counting them in an attempt to soothe his nerves. Kisame, Deidara, Sasori, Zetsu, Hidan, Kakuzu, Kai…wait, that was only seven. Akatsuki was ten, including Itachi who was so frustratingly absent—why were they short?

'Oh, right,' he thought. 'I forgot myself…wait, that's still only eight—someone's still missing! …Where's Tobi?' Indeed, the orange-masked ninja was nowhere to be seen. Pein turned his gaze to Kai. "Have you seen Tobi?"

Kai shook her head disapprovingly. "Sweetheart, you really should think a little less and look a little more at what our own children are doing."

Sweetheart? This whole family thing was getting to her. Not that Pein was going to complain…after all Kai was very…well, feminine, next to the rest of Akatsuki…not that Pein thought of anyone that way—after all, he was a feared and…er, feared criminal! He had no need for such emotions! …which didn't mean he didn't want them, but…

Pein shook his head. 'Shut up, inner honesty! You're not helping anything!'

Kai smiled. "Considering how long it's taking you to answer, I'm going to assume that you're proving my point."

'Huh? Oh yeah.' "No, I'm not—I was just wondering…since when do you call me sweetheart?"

"Since now, honey," Kai answered, an almost normal smile plastering her face. 'She's enjoying this…' Pein thought bitterly. 'She's having fun playing with my mind…'

"Tobi left with Itachi, hmm," Deidara answered dutifully.

"Thank you, Deidara," Pein growled, still rather annoyed by Kai's new playfulness.

" –Chan," Kai added.

"What?" Pein snapped at his companion.

"Deidara-chan is our daughter. We should be referring to her—um, him, as such!" Kai scolded, with that same warm smile spreading, so much so that she was actually squinting now. It looked…rather different on her, and not in the best of ways, but Pein still felt a feeling of warmth spreading through his body that cancelled the frustration he felt moments before.

But that did leave a question…Itachi and Tobi had been gone for some time now. They were most likely up to something. Maybe Tobi and Itachi were negotiating something about Itachi's position in the family—which would make Itachi very special indeed, being able to talk about it first. Pein hadn't a doubt in his mind that others—Hidan, for example—would kill for an opportunity to get a compromise, to have a say in what he was called. Tobi had definitely selected a favorite in Akatsuki.

"Otousama-sama?" Sasori addressed monotonously, "may I be excused?"

Pein almost flinched. His children—er—no, that was the problem! They were acting like children, even though they were hardcore criminals working to take over the world! And now here was Sasori—Sasori, his perverted son—underling—minion—thing—asking politely if he could be excused! It was wrong—and it made Pein boil in frustration. Friendliness would get them nowhere—manners were useless, pointless, more likely to do harm than good. Pein felt like he could just—

The door slammed. Sasori had left without an answer.

Pein smirked. 'Maybe they're not so bad…um, good…after all,' the thought.

"Sweety," Kai began sweetly, "I know you weren't paying attention, so I'll tell you that Sasori-kun and Deidara-chan just left the room together."

"Without letting me excuse them?" Pein said it more like a statement than a question.

"Yes, they did, Pein-ch—"

"Thank you," Pein interrupted. He hated her using his name in front of everyone like that—he made so much effort to keep his name secret, and now here she was, using it. So he exacted revenge: "Kai-ch—"

"Don't call me—"

"Don't call me," Pein interrupted, using her exact words before realizing that it wasn't a complete sentence. "Um, that. Don't call me that."

Kai opened her mouth to respond snappily, but then she really fully remembered that everyone else in Akatsuki was in the room, and now everyone was staring at Kai.

"…Kai?" Kisame wondered. "I named my fish after you?"

"You have a fish?" Kai snapped back, turning her head away sharply, her blue hair swishing past and the flower falling out of her hair.

Hidan was grinning foolishly at Pein. "I told you to get a better wife than that," he mocked.

"What?" Sometimes Hidan made no sense.

Hidan sighed, shaking his head but still smiling a little. "If I'm Tobi's grandmother, that probably means that I'm your mother. And I'm saying that I warned you. It's called a joke, Pein."

Pein flinched. "If you're my mother, then why the fucking hell did you name me Pein?"

Hidan pulled the top of his robe aside to reveal that he had a kitchen knife, for whatever reason, randomly lodged in his chest. "I'm masochist, remember?"

Pein opened his mouth, but found himself too disgusted to respond, and instead just closed his mouth and shook his head. "Hidan-okaachan, you really are sick. Why they ever let you have children, I'll never know." Speaking of sick, Pein thought he felt his stomach going sour. Maybe it was something he ate, but he really did feel like he was about to hurl, so he stood up and announced, "If you'll excuse me," as he staggered out the door.

The door closed behind him even though he hadn't set it into that motion; Kai had followed him out. "I'm sorry, Love," she muttered.

"Could you please stop calling me cutesy nicknames like that?" Pein asked, his words polite with a very hard edge. "It's rather…why are you calling me names like that, anyway?" He curled his hand into a fist that promptly began shaking roughly. The action surprised him slightly; he almost stopped immediately, frozen by the neutrality of confusion at his allowing the physical symptoms of anger. "Stop calling me things you don't mean just to play with Tobi's game because—because you're having fun—I'm not having fun now, are you?"

"Swee—" Kai stopped herself mid-syllable, closed her eyes, and tolerantly corrected in a whisper, "Pein, I'm not calling you that because Tobi decided that we're his parents, I'm calling you that because—"

"Because you like playing with my mind?" Pein demanded, his voice rising as he turned to face her. "Because you were inspired to—"

"Pein," Kai interrupted, her voice almost wavering slightly as it gave that weak and yet penetrating cry. "It's not that—Tobi's game just helped me realize—"

"That it's really fun to call people sweet, sugary names that grate their nerves?" Pein snapped. "Yeah, it helped me realize that too! It's just so fun to call Hidan my mother—he's such a friendly person, I wish he was my mother in reality!" The last sentence of which dripped with sarcasm.

Kai's mouth moved for a moment before she closed it with her eyelids, so that she could take a moment to think. Finally, she opened her eyes defiantly and she declared, "If you truly feel that I am against you, I see why you'd think that, I think, and maybe you and I should put a little more space between us for a while." She inclined her head slightly and walked past Pein.

Let's keep track of the timeline right here:

Day 1: Pein becomes father (Otousama)
Day 2: Kai becomes mother (Okaachan)
Day 3: Kakuzu becomes grandfather (Ojiisan), Hidan becomes grandmother (Obaasan)
Day 4: Zetsu becomes uncles (Ojisans), Kisame becomes aunt (Obasan)
Day 5: Tobi explains a few things.
Day 6: Sasori becomes brother (Oniichan), Deidara becomes sister (Oneechan)
Day 7: Pein takes entirely too long to find a new place to eat breakfast. Then he has a spat with Kai.

And...sorry if you're having issues with the drama...or...that is drama, right? I honestly don't pay much attention to genre...but, yeah. Random argument that creates tomorrow's...plot.

Also, a preview of next chapter!
It's a wonder that it took so long for Pein to be haunted by that drinking problem from so long ago...but it doesn't matter. Just because it ruined the moment doesn't mean the moment never happened.

(wow, that doesn't make sense from here, does it?)