Ravages Of Hell (32/32)
"It's Friday again," Jonathan Ross grinned at the camera, "Friday Night With Jonathan Ross. And do I have a special show for you tonight. An act that's not only headlining in Vegas, his first album selling over eight million copies before its release, but is also the Council's publicity officer. Yes, he's here, he's demonic, he's Lorne!" The crowd erupted as the demon walked out onto the set, 4 Puffs And A Piano singing along to 'Dedicated Follower Of Fashion'.
"I'll be honest with you Lorne," Jonathan said as his guest sat down. "It's a pleasure to have you here, but you weren't my first choice as Council guest. I'd often had a yearning to have Faith on my couch."
"Oh be honest Jonathan," Lorne giggled. "Hasn't every man?"
"Or even Kennedy. Or Dawn. I love powerful women, but that Miss. Rosenberg she's a little too powerful."
"Always loved your show Jonathan," purred the red-horned demon, "and don't listen to what people say, it takes nerve to dress like us."
"Well thank you, Lorne." Jonathan smiled. "And is being a demon a barrier with the ladies?"
"I'd like to be modest and say no, Jonathan, but who am I kidding?" Lorne laughed. "The ladies love the green!" The crowd erupted into cheers and security struggled to contain some of the Lornies, as the demon's groupies had become known as. "These days I get more panties than Tom Jones!"
"The question I've always wanted answering is clean or unclean. No," he laughed, "don't answer that. It's still a surprise to see a demon out in public. I'm given to understand a number of demons work for the Council?"
"Oh yes," Lorne smiled. "I mean could anything evil dress this well?"
"Quite." Jonathan looked down at his notes, wondering if this interview was going to stay under his control. "I understand you were a close friend of the vampire, Angel."
"Yes, Angel," Lorne sighed, his mood taking a down-turn. "That man, he was troubled, but he had the soul of a hero."
"And his son, Connor caused him some problems?"
"That kid," Lorne shook his head, "caused the whole world problems, he made Axel Rose seem saintly, but his dad would be proud of the man he is now."
"And the question I've got to ask," Jonathan leaned forward. "Is Faith is as fierce as she seems?"
"Oh you'll get me in trouble," Lorne laughed. "On the outside that girl's all cacti, but on the inside, she's pure desert flower."
"And I understand you agreed to come on here if we allowed you to make an appeal?"
"That I did, Jonathan," the demon looked into the camera. "Harris, I'm talking to you kid. I don't know what your problem is. Guess what, I don't care. All I know is you're hurting those who love you, causing some of the sweetest people it's ever been my pleasure to know pain. Now get those tight little buns back home, because if you keep us waiting much longer, when we do get our hands on you, I'll tie you down and force you to listen to the Spice Girls' back catalogue continuously for a month."
"Now there's a threat!" Jonathan smiled before glancing at his notes. "Now your act's sold out for months-."
"Years," the smirking demon corrected.
"In advance. What do you sing?"
"Hello, I'm Marc Bator and this is Tagesschau, on 4th November 2005." Marc smiled, pausing for a moment before continuing. "Today, more details were announced about the 'Paladin Units', the Watcher\Slayer led teams mooted three months ago at the UN. It appears that these teams will be posted to each of the continents according to domestic population, with three 'crack' teams held in reserve to deal with specific Armageddon-threatening situations, one led jointly by Miss Rosenberg and Miss Lucas, one led by Faith Lehane, and one under the control of General Finn. Overall control of the Paladin Units will remain with the Council. And in other -."
"Bonjour," she smiled into the camera, "I'm Francoise Laborde and this 20 Heures Le Journal on 15th November 2005. Today in Slayer-related news, Faith Lehane was reported to have hunted down and killed Dod Bosu in Montreal, Canada. Dod Bosu was believed to be the last remaining member of the Circle of The Black Thorn. In other Slayer-related news, it is rumoured that Faith Lehane, Dawn Summers, Gwen Raiden, Kennedy Lucas, Rona Andrews, and Vi Crais are rumoured to be in negotiations with a top Paris fashion house for an evening gown and swimwear show, the proceeds of the event to be split equally between the Buffy Summers & Christine Forest Memorial Funds. Tickets are rumoured to be priced at starting at $ 200 with tickets for the six table exclusive dinner at a closed-off restaurant with the heroes starting at $ 500."
"Hello, I'm Akiro Hase, and this is G60 Minutes on the 10th December 2005." He smiled into the camera. "Today in New York, the English knight and Council head Sir Rupert Giles was awarded an extraordinary United Nations Prize in the Field of Human Rights. These awards are normally only issued every five years but the Secretary-General explained that such was Mr. Giles' exceptional leadership and bravery in the face of overwhelming odds to save us all from slavery, he had to be recognised immediately."
"Hello, I'm Huw Edwards, at BBC News at ten," he smiled into the camera, "on the 18th December 2005. Today, more information was revealed about the proposed Paladin Units, and the selection of the military personnel to the units. First, to Gavin Hewitt outside the Council Keep?"
"Hello, Huw," Gavin greeted. "Today it was announced that troops would be selected from volunteers from the special forces of countries that had signed the UN Demonic-Security Charter."
"And I understand that more information was released as to regards the selection panels?" Huw enquired.
"Yes," Gavin nodded. "The panels will be made up of three people. A Watcher – either Sir Rupert Giles, Dawn Summers, Robin Wood, Mr. Robson, or Miss Rosenberg. A ranking supernatural warrior – Faith, Kennedy, Connor, the Groosalug, Vi, or Rona. And a military officer – either General Finn, Colonel Finn, or Captain Miller. Assuming the applicant passes the interview, they will then have to sing for the psychic demon, Lorne."
"And once someone is selected, they will go through a rigorous training course?" Huw pressed.
"That's correct, this training will in the words of Miss Rosenberg 'familiarise the trainees with demons, magic, and lots of other fun stuff.'" Gavin smiled. "Miss Rosenberg's words, not mine."
"Hello, I'm Ted Koppel," he leaned into the camera and smiled. "And this is ABC News Nightline on December 29th 2005." He turned serious. "Seven months after the Slayer War and thanks to the charisma of Faith Lehane, the beauty of Dawn Summers, the bravery of Kennedy Lucas, the power of Willow Rosenberg, and the leadership of Sir. Rupert Giles we're still as fascinated as ever with the Watcher's Council. And yet, there is still one person we know little about, and has been missing since the final battle – Xander Harris. Tonight, myself and my panel of experts will discuss this fine American. Why did he disappear? Where has he gone? What drove him to complete the amazing deeds he's recorded as doing during his time in Sunnydale and afterwards? We'll hear from classmates including the editor of his school paper, and from fellow construction workers. And we'll even hear from his friend and head of Watcher USA, Mr. Robin Wood, with a personal appeal for information relating to Xander's whereabouts."
"Welcome everybody to Loose Women on the 20th January 2006, I'm Kaye Adams," Kaye beamed into the camera. "And haven't we got a show for you today! An interview with none other than Wicca extraordinaire Willow Rosenberg-." The studio audience erupted in cheers. "Discussing how Slayers and magic effect feminism, and how even as an all-powerful lesbian icon there's still room for men in her life."
"Hello," Huw stared into the camera, "this is the BBC News at six o' clock on the 12th February 2006. She was considered arguably the most dangerous vampire in existence. Certainly she was the most demented. No more. In the early hours of this morning, Connor Morgan ended the Aurelias line, by Slaying Drusilla in a Glasgow housing estate. Ironically, Drusilla was the childe of his father's unsoulled alter-ego, Angelus-."
"And in other news," Maria Menounos swallowed as she looked nervously at the camera. This segment was risky. "Our reporter managed to get a few words with Faith LeHane regarding Hugh Heffner's repeated attempts to tempt her into posing as a Playboy centrefold as she was leaving a downtown San Diego gym."
The screen changed to a video obviously shot earlier in the day. A gym door swung open and Faith strode out, clad in lyrca shorts and a black 'Pitbull Gym' tanktop, hair tied back in a pony-tail. "Yeah thanks," Faith smirked as she signed autographs. "My pleasure, remember if ya can't be good, be careful."
"Miss Lehane!" a voice shouted out and an Access Hollywood reporter ran into shot, microphone at the ready. "A word."
The Slayer's chocolate eyes rolled back. "Sure," she shrugged. "I always gotta time for the press."
"Have you any comments regarding Hugh Heffner's increased offer for you to pose-."
The reporter's mike was snatched from him. It was the fourth time that Maria had seen the footage but even so she couldn't help shiver at the sudden coldness in the brunette's eyes. "Oh yeah, I got a few comments," the Slayer's voice was harder than steel. "Hugh, honey. I don't blame ya for wanting to get your wrinkled hands on this piece of prime expletive." The raven-tressed beauty's hands slowly moved down her body. "But 2 million, 5 million, expletive ten, don't make no difference, the answer's still expletive no. But ya keep askin', and I will pay ya a expletive visit. But not to pose for ya. To expletive wring ya expletive chicken-neck, rip off your expletive, shove it down your expletive throat, and burn ya expletive mansion to the expletive ground. That clear enough for ya, ya expletive piece of expletive?" The Slayer flung the mike to the ground, turned to leave, spun back around, and scooped the mike before snarling into it. "And the same goes if ya try for any of my girls, ya expletive dig?"
"Good day folks," Steve Liebmann beamed into the camera, pumped by the news he was delivering, "today is the 17th April 2006, and today we're leading with the story that the missing Slayer War hero, Xander Harris, was found twenty miles north of Ayers Rock, in a remote town." He paused for a second. "Town dwellers report being awoken by the sound of a trio of helicopters landing. Moments later, a number of Slayers, including the now world-famous Faith Lehane, disembarked and began a search that apparently turned up the missing hero. After a heated discussion that is rumoured to have ended with Miss Lehane knocking the one-eyed man unconscious, the helicopters left."
"Hello, I'm Huw Edwards, at BBC News at ten," he smiled into the camera, "on the 20th April 2006. Today, the Council confirmed what has been rumoured for days. Alexander Harris, Slayer War veteran, and Scooby group founder has been found safe and well in Australia. And now to Gavin Hewitt outside the Council Keep?"
"Hello, Huw," Gavin's face appeared on the screen, "Lorne read," the news reporter looked briefly stunned, "or rather sang a statement that the young man in question had been recovered."
"And what about the rumours about Xander Harris having to be restrained?" Huw asked.
"Lorne would only confirm that everyone was very pleased to have him back with his family."
"And now," Big Kenny Alpin swung his hands out wide. "Presenting the Grammy for Best Hard Rock Performance, she's wild, she's beautiful, she's brave. She's Faith Lehane!"
The Grammy Awards crowd rose as one as the Slayer strode on stage, wearing a low-cut , knee-length silver dress, their clapping seeming to shake the building's foundations. Once the crowd had finally re-taken their seats, Big Kenny spoke. "So, the first thing I want to know is there any truth to the rumours about you and Xander Harris? And if there isn't, is there any hope for The Universal Minister of Love?"
Faiith snorted as she looked towards him. "Not. A. Chance." The curvy Bostonian turned to the crowd. "You call that an ovation? I couldn't hear a thing. Make some noise!"
"Today on the NBC Dateline," Stone Phillips' voice cracked then steadied, "a year to the day since the Slayer War, we're devoting the entire hour to discussing the Slayer phenomena. How it's effecting our world view. Activists in the fields of feminisim, lesbianism and Wiccan have reported an exponential growth. Is this a good thing? Worries about terrorism and global warming have been shelved in the wake of the new reality, is this right? Is anyone worried about this apparently independent army of super-powered warriors? To help me discuss these questions we've assembled a distinguished panel including Mr. Robson, member of the Council Ruling Body, and General Riley Finn."
"And today on Regis and Kathie Lee," Regis beamed into the camera, "there's only one story we can be talking about. Can you guess? Of course you can! Kathie?"
His co-host beamed. "That's right, Regis. Today, the 25th August 2006, it was confirmed that Faith LeHane and Alexander Harris are getting engaged." Kathie looked towards the audience crowd. "Let's have a round of applause people!"
"And in other news," Huw looked down at his notes, "the wedding date for Faith LeHane and Xander Harris has been announced. The wedding will take place at Castle Leslie on 30th March 2007, with prominent figures from politics, European royalty, entertainment, and of course the Council will be present. It was also announced that the wedding pictures have been sold to OK for a sizeable seven figure sum with proceeds being split equally between the Christine Forest and Buffy Summers Memorial Funds."
"Hello, I'm Lisa Rinna, reporting from Ireland for Entertainment Tonight on the wedding of Alexander Harris and Faith LeHane. The world's press gathered here just hours ago to witness the nuptials of the world's most photographed woman to the battle-scarred warrior that rumours say she idolises. The wedding was different in a number of ways, the bride forewent the traditional dress to turn up looking glamorous in a specially tailored trouser suit, the best man was in fact a woman, Willow Rosenberg, and the Slayer was given away by the Council head. In addition, the musicians vying to play at the ceremony including the Stones, Elton John, Stevie Wonder, and Paul McCartney were snubbed in favour of Lorne who took centre stage for a reputedly barn-storming performance."
"Hello, I'm Nancy O'Dell presenting Access Hollywood for you on 24th November 2007 and the big news today is that Lorne is rumoured to have turned down the opportunity to duet with Brittney Spears on her comeback album, 'saying that crazy bitch makes looney-tunes Connor seem low maintenance'."
"Hello, I'm Huw Edwards, this is the Six O' Clock News on the 23rd February 2008. Today, at an undisclosed London location and under the guard of two Paladin Units, Ms. Faith Lehane gave birth to twin boys, Jesse and Rupert Harris. Mother and babies are doing well. And now we're going to a statement from Gavin Hewitt. Gavin?"
"Hello," Gavin beamed. "A red-eyed Rupert Giles read out a statement, the Council head's normal cool reserve slipping on a number of occasions. "Mother and babies are doing well, the father was in attendance at the births. He said he was enormously touched to have one of the boys named after him, the other is named after Xander's boyhood friend who was killed by the vampire, Darla. When asked for any comments from the new mother or father," Gavin Hewitt chuckled. "Faith was qouted to have said 'nine months of carrying, six hours of pushing, you're changing all the diapers Harris, and if I don't get my figure back, run for the hills.'"
The End