5.

Sirius sat across from James in their compartment on the Hogwarts Express. He was nervous, and he knew it showed. It had been so strange to be hugged goodbye by Mrs. Potter rather than his own mother, to board the train with James rather than Regulus... And it was the first time in six years that he didn't want to go to school.

People would know his father was dead. Certain people, mainly his family, would know why he was dead. Bella, Andy, Cissy, Rodolphus, Rastaban, and Regulus... They would all know that Sirius had pushed him, and if they knew, it wouldn't be long before the rest of the school knew, too. He supposed he should be grateful that none of them knew what his father had done to him...

"Stop that, will you?" James asked. "You won't have any fingers left at all by the time we get to Hogwarts."

Sirius looked at his hands. He'd been chewing his nails. He always did that when he was nervous. He leaned his head back, took a deep breath, and closed his eyes.

"Relax, mate," James sighed. "It'll be fine."

Sirius chose to ignore that and instead said, "Where are Moony and Wormtail? They're usually here by now."

"The train doesn't leave for half an hour. They have time."

Sirius sighed and looked out the window. They sat in silence for a while. More and more people began to walk past their compartment as more students arrived. Was it Sirius' imagination or were they looking at him more than was normal? He began bouncing his knees again. He didn't even realize he'd resumed chewing his fingernails until James cast him an annoyed look. Finally, when Sirius was starting to think he couldn't take much more sitting, he recognized two of the muffled voices on the other side of the compartment door.

"- he's really coming back to school?"

"Of course he's coming back to school, Wormtail, why wouldn't he? Oh, here they are..." The door opened and Remus and Peter entered the compartment. Peter looked frazzled and a bit frightened and sheepish. Remus seemed to be annoyed, though the way his mouth was set was the only indication of that. "Hullo," Remus said to both Sirius and James, the word somewhat terse, before he flopped down onto the seat next to Sirius.

"Hey, Moony," James and Sirius said in unconscious unison. Remus rolled his eyes and smiled a bit.

"Hey Pete," Sirius said, trying hard to keep his anxiety out of his voice. He had only heard a bit of Remus' and Peter's conversation, but he thought he knew what it meant, and if he was right things were going to be pretty unpleasant for a while.

Peter looked at him, startled, then squeaked and sat down next to James.

Remus shot him a glare, and Sirius marveled at the ferocity behind it. He'd never seen Remus truly angry... He looked then at Peter, whose eyes shot away as soon as they made contact with Sirius'.

Sirius' breath caught and nausea started worming its way up his throat. Peter, however annoying he may be sometimes, was his friend... He'd been so worried, wondering how the rest of Hogwarts would react to him, he had stopped to worry about how Peter would react to him. He realized now how lucky he was in James and Remus, who hadn't condemned him or become frightened, who'd embraced and absolved him... But if Peter, his friend was acting this way... what would everyone else do?

He was up and out of their compartment before he'd even made a conscious decision to move.

"What the fuck is your problem, Peter?" James snarled as Remus ran after Sirius, letting the compartment door slide shut on its own.

"What do you mean?" Peter asked quietly, and didn't meet James' gaze, which meant he knew exactly what James was talking about.

"You know what I mean!" James said. "What, are you not going to be friends with Sirius now?"

Peter's silence rather alarmed James.

"Peter-"

"Well, what am I supposed to do?" Peter asked, anger and indignation making his voice high and squeaky. "First, Remus is a werewolf. All right, if you and Sirius aren't bothered by that, then neither am I. Next, Sirius tells us he's gay. That creeped me out, considering we've lived with him for the last five years, but if Remus can put up with Sirius staring at his arse all the time, then I guess I can at least share a room with him. Now, all of the sudden, you tell me that Sirius killed his father, that he's a murderer, and you get angry when it upsets me. So tell me, James, how am I supposed to react to that?"

James sighed. "It upsets me too, Pete, but can't you tell how much it bothers Sirius?"

"I hope it would!"

"It does," James said earnestly. "C'mon, Pete, you've always been a good friend... Don't leave him now."

"I'm not going to quit being friends with him," Peter said, realizing the truth in that statement only after the words had been said. "I just need to get used to it, I guess."

*

Sirius stumbled down the narrow hallway, his ears hot and ringing- a sure sign he was about to pass out. When things started to feel far away and he had to work to make his limbs move, he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. He didn't know how long he stood there, taking deep breaths, and trying not to think, before he felt a hand on his elbow, and somewhere, far away, Remus was saying, "C'mon and sit down, Padfoot, before you pass out."

Remus lead him to the nearest empty compartment and Sirius fell into the seat and buried his face in his hands. Remus sat beside him and after a few minutes the ringing in his ears stopped and the floor quit undulating beneath him. He took a deep breath and looked up.

"Better now?" Remus asked.

Sirius' ears began to burn again, this time out of shame. "Yeah," he said hoarsely.

"It'll be all right, you know. Peter's just being Peter. He'll come around."

Sirius just nodded and focused on the floor. "How do you do it?" he asked suddenly.

"Do what?"

"How do you deal with the fear that someone will find out what you are?" Sirius looked at him for the first time. "You do it everyday, and I never appreciated how hard it must be, until now."

Remus shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "I guess I did it the same way you did." When Sirius looked at him questioningly, he added, "When you weren't telling us about the things your dad did."

Sirius thought about that. How had he done it? He'd locked everything away, and forgotten about it, except when he'd had nightmares. He could do that again, couldn't he? When he was used to the idea of being a murderer, it'd be easy to put it out of mind...

"I know Wormtail's being an ass, but I really didn't think it'd bother you that much. It looked like you were about to pass out," Remus left this statement open, as though hoping Sirius would tell him why.

"I'm just tired, I guess," Sirius shrugged.

"More nightmares?" Remus asked.

"Yeah," Sirius shrugged, and kept talking so Remus wouldn't have a chance to ask him what his nightmares were about. "And I'm hungry. And I'm worried about seeing Regulus. And worried about seeing my cousins. And worried about what everyone will say when they find out-"

"You worry much more and you'll give yourself an ulcer," Remus said with a small smile.

"A what?"

Remus snorted and shook his head. "Never mind."

Sirius decided to ignore that and continued. "It's just that I'm freaking out, Moony, and I never freak out that that freaks me out even more, and I don't know how to deal with it, and that freaks me out even more-"

"Sirius," Remus said sharply, stopping his rambling before he had a chance to start hyperventilating. Once Remus was sure he had Sirius' undivided attention he continued. "Look, Padfoot, this is going to sound harsh, but it's the truth. You're freaking out? Then deal with it. You're going to have to, because if you lose it in the Great Hall people won't just keep on half-believing rumors; they will know something is wrong."

Sirius blinked and looked away, feeling his cheeks burn with embarrassment. What Remus was saying was true, he knew, but still...

"That doesn't mean that we, James and I... and Peter, won't help you deal with it, because we will, but..." He paused, seeming to struggle with something. "But if you don't tell us what it is you're really bothered about, we can only do so much, yeah?"

Sirius made eye contact then, more out of shock than anything else. Remus' gaze was too sharp, his words too near their mark... Sirius felt the blood drain from his face.

The sharpness disappeared in an instant, and Remus looked at him worriedly. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just... I'm hungry," he finally said. He wasn't; he didn't think he could keep food down right then, and that was an incredibly transparent attempt to change the subject, but Remus just sighed, nodded, and stood.

"Let's go track down the food cart," he said.

-

-

A/N: Yeah, so... odd little update, I guess, but it's an important conversation and I really couldn't match it with anything more actiony... Oh, well. Review, please? Thank you!!