Disclaimer: The Saw franchise does NOT belong to me, neither do any of its affiliates or characters, no matter how much I wish they did.

This was NOT written by me. I claim to be the fountain-head of the idea, but this is written by my best friend, who doesn't have an account on here.

Thanks to SawManiac211 for being the first reviewer!

Quote of the Day:

"Why isn't anyone 5'12?"

"No effing way."

"No."

"No way, you could not pay me enough."

"Please, no!"

"No, no, no, NO!"

Amanda, Hoffman, Gen and Jules all stood in front of John with crossed arms and similar "Fuck off, did I ever" expressions.

"You will all have to double up on beds. I'm not a rich man and I've never much placed too much value on monetary wealth but… frankly I'm not paying for each of you to have a separate room. You will all sleep in the same room, I'll make sure too book one with two double beds."

"No," Amanda pleaded. "I don't want to share a room with them, I'll never get to use the bathroom and… what if Hoffman snores… and… I… No!"

Genevieve just raised an eyebrow at John and side stepped away from Hoffman.

"No way am I sleeping next to Shaft here. I don't want to wake up a human pancake."

"Are you calling me fat?" he roared.

"No, but here's how I see it. I'm five foot two and you're… what, six three?"

"Six flat."

"I'm not buying it, Jolly Green," Jules piped up. "Oh, and I'm not sleeping next to Gen either. The internal bleeding healed up just fine from last time, by the way."

"Count me out. I'm not sleeping in the same bed as Jules. She… wraps her legs around things in her sleep," Gen explained, looking uneasy.

"No freakin" way am I sleeping with that," Amanda snorted. She was a sucker for personal space.

"I'm not sleeping next to Amanda. She quotes screamo songs in her sleep. I'd rather not wake up to "My heart bleeds black as the night sky"," Hoffman said, rolling his eyes.

"I'll take my chances with the Ranga," Amanda insisted, poking her tongue out at Hoffman and taking Gen by the elbow, claiming her.

Hoffman and Juliet eyed each other warily. Hoffman broke the silence first.

"I bags the right side."

"Fine."

"Do you really wrap your le—"

"Shut up." Juliet smacked her bags down at the foot of the bed and sprawled over the entire bed.

This was going to be a very long night.

***

This was it, the time for fortitude and strength was at hand.

It was time to bunk up.

Gen emerged from the bathroom in black silk pants and a red singlet. She nervously eyed the scene before her.

Amanda was curled against the head of the bed reading a magazine and tapping her fingers on her knee in a rapid rhythm. She was wearing a Linkin Park T-shirt and shorts.

Jules had adopted an awkward looking butt-up position on the floor in front of the T.V. She was clad in a clingy black singlet and red PJ pants that appeared to be brutally ripped around the bottom so they closer resembled shorts with strips of fabric hanging off them.

She couldn't see Hoffman anywhere but didn't particularly care, so she plopped down next to Juliet and stared at her.

She was so… twisted. Her spine did almost a total 180, with her butt facing the ceiling and her face twisted towards the T.V. Her longish arms were flipped so that one was supporting her head and the other was splayed out towards the remote.

Her legs were a jumbled mess that closely resembled a human pretzel.

"You freak," Gen bluntly regarded, her comment almost cut off by someone entering the room.

Jules untwisted herself and resumed a normal cross-legged position in a matter of seconds only to realize it was Hoffman.

His pyjamas seemed to consist of long navy blue drawstring pants and a black T-shirt. Genevieve's keen hazel eyes flickered back and forth between her close friends own pointed brown eyes and Hoffman's back as he rifled through his bag. There seemed to be a direct line between the two. Jules gaze had drifted from the T.V. to Hoffman's back and it hadn't moved for about 30 seconds.

"She's checking him out!"Gen thought as a smile spread across her face.

"Shall I get a camera?" she whispered prodding her friend in the tummy with a black fingernail.

Juliet snapped out of her Hoffman-reverie and shivered violently for a second.

"Pffht, don't know what you're on about," she retorted, going back to watching The Drew Carey Show with a rose tint to her cheeks.

'He damn fine!' she thought as she giggled along with the laugh track. 'Too bad he's a pain in my largish, but not too large, pert posterior. Dolt.'

Twenty or so minutes later, Amanda was unconscious on her side of the bed, Gen was not far behind and Jules was still sitting completely still in front the television.

"I get it now. You're actually a vampire who doesn't sleep!" Hoffman yawned while flipping back the sheets on his bed. "Shit, it's hot in here. John is too tight to pay for A/C in here. Do you know he has a hot tub and reverse cycle in his suite?"

Juliet's head snapped towards him at the mention of this.

"That bitch!" she snarled. She then hugged her legs tighter to her chest and focused her attentions back to the T.V.

Half an hour later, the tacky Garfield alarm clock read 01:03.

Hoffman groaned quietly and sat up.

"Can you turn it down? Some of us actually require sleep as opposed to just coffee to live," he mumbled, rubbing his big, light eyes sleepily.

Yawning loudly in defeat, Juliet flicked the screen off and crawled from the end of the bed until she was lying face down in the pillows. After making some discontented mewls she kicked until the sheets were all bunched at the end of the bed.

"What are you doing?" Hoffman said into his pillow.

"Getting comfy," she replied.

He whacked her in the small of her back with a spare pillow.

"AH! What would you wanna do that for?!" she yelped, moving to smother him with her own pillow.

"Guh! Get off me, you psychotic midget!"

"Then don't assault me, Shrek!" she grunted, relenting and falling over to her side of the bed.

After a few minutes Hoffman exhaled loudly and turned over, facing the wall away from Juliet.

"Sorry for calling you a psychotic midget. You're a comparatively sane midget ninety percent of the time," he said quietly.

His only response for a few minutes was the sound of her turning over and facing away from him to a chorus of Amanda getting beaten to a pulp by Genevieve's unconscious kung fu.

He was about to drift off when he heard her sigh loudly.

"Sorry for calling you Shrek," she muttered. "I didn't mean to insult Dream Works Animations like that."

***

John sipped his strong, bitter coffee as he padded down the hallway softly with his usual noiseless, gliding walk. He pulled out the secondary key for the room the others were staying in. As he swung open the faded grey door, he surveyed a scene of utter chaos. Clothes were strewn everywhere, the girls had various toiletries and makeup packs on the one available surface in the room and Hoffman had made short work of emptying his clothes all over the floor on his side of the bed.

"Clutter is distasteful," he muttered.

"…To me…" he heard Amanda mumble in her sleep. Even when she was unconscious, they were still on the same insane, slightly delusional wavelength.

Looking over at the beds raised a small smile on his pale face.

Amanda was lying on the floor looking very bruised but morbidly at peace while her bunkmate was still twisting and turning on the bed making various noises including "mmnuh" and "eeeeingh". He watched in morbid fascination as she moved her curved torso like an expert belly dancer and made a mental note that first thing in the morning, the redhead was a great deal more flexible.

Looking over to the Juliet-Mark bed, his white eyebrows did a double take.

True to the rumours that Genevieve had spread, Juliet did indeed appear to feel the need to wrap her longish legs around things in her sleep.

Said "thing" happened to be Hoffman. In his sleep, one hand was wrapped around her thigh; somewhat holding it to him and the other was on her butt cheek.

Holding in an undignified chuckle, he pulled the couch around and reclined on it so that he had prime position for watching his apprentices wake up.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Amanda chanted in her head as she attempted to roll over. Sitting up slowly and painfully, she looked and Genevieve. She was pummeling a pillow unconsciously.

"What the… And I thought I had issues!" she winced, examining the plentiful bruises on her ribs.

Hoffman smiled in his sleep.

He was so comfortable and his face was nestled in something that smelt really nice.

He traced the outline of what he was holding with his large hands,

Out at the top, in at the middle, out again at the bottom. And legs just how he liked them, longish, strong and soft. And better yet, they were wrapped around his waist.

Wait a minute… If I'm conscious and still holding someone then… who am I…? His eyes snapped open and his body immediately tensed. Uh oh.

Juliet pulled her legs in slightly tighter.

Mmm… that feels nice. She mused as something stroked her thigh. She felt someone's breath on her forehead and her heart missed a beat.

"Hoffman, are you…" she whispered, hardly believing it herself. She looked up and found her self staring into a pair of aqua coloured eyes that looked as confused and scared as she felt.

"WHAAAAAAA!" she shouted, unwrapping her legs and barrel rolling off the bed, pushing him off the other side in the process.

Her landing pad happened to be Amanda. Both of them were in massive amounts of pain because of this, Amanda from being squashed and Jules from landing on Amanda's elbow.

"Ow!" Amanda moaned.

"Motherfucker!" screamed Jules.

"Jesus Fucking Christ!" Hoffman shouted as he stood up.

"Who wrote Bullet for My Valentine lyrics on my face while I was sleeping!!" Genevieve screeched, examining her face with a look of shocked disbelief. It appeared she had padded to the mirror unnoticed in the middle of everything else happening.

John was holding back a winner smirk when he stood, sipped his coffee for effect and then let out one of those "Everyone, please look at me I have something profound and pompous to say" sighs.

"Everyone, we disembark in one hour exactly. Be there or live in no-star motel hell for the rest of your days."

Jules made brief eye contact with both Gen and Amanda. There seemed to be a palpable tension in the air as a combined chorus of "I bags first go in the bathroom!" was yelled at various volumes.

Hoffman shook his head and started gathering up his clothing.

After all, things couldn't possibly get worse, could they?

Oh, if he only KNEW! x] Next chapter up soon. REVIEW!