Chapter 5: Broken
Hey, this is a long chapter. So grab a coke, a bite to eat and be prepared lol.
You may wonder why some things happened like they did in parts, but all will be revealed in the next chapter.
Sorry if theres any mistakes, they are all my own of course.
Over and out x
It had been exactly 6 months since Emily and I had spent our first night together. We were now in a proper relationship, after I finally realised she was the one and took the brave step of asking her to be my girlfriend. I won't go into the logistics of how I managed to grow a pair and ask her out officially, but just picture 20 scented candles, 2 bottles of wine, scattered roses petals and very little clothing. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
To say I wasn't a little apprehensive about the whole relationship thing at first would be a total lie, because I was secretly shitting myself. I mean, I had to come to terms with the fact that I had fallen for a girl, so that ruled out me being straight, which I had thought I was for some time. I had to realise that I was now not on my own, the once independent me had vanished. I had someone who was relying on me for their happiness, and I couldn't screw it up. But more importantly, I had to come to terms with the fact that I was in...love. Yes you heard me correctly, I used the L word. I never thought I would say it. Ever.
But Emily changed me. In fact, she stripped me bare of the old Naomi and everything that I had once been dissolved. I was no longer a 'sour-faced shrew' or an angry bitch as my mother would kindly put it, I was happy, smiley (like all the fucking time when Ems was around) and just at peace with life. She had done this to me and I was grateful.
College was now heating up as our final A-level exams were in sight. Everyone around the campus seemed more hectic than usual, due to the fact Universities were offering places, this was our last year and people were finally starting to realise that we were gonna have to start living like adults.
Mine and Ems relationship had now become public knowledge round college and no body treated us any different. At first, I was hesitant to hold her hand round site, let alone kiss her, but my insecurities soon flew out the window when I became aware that I really didn't give a fuck what people thought, I was in love and thats what mattered.
"So when are you two lovely ladies gonna put on a show for Cookie? I'm in dire need of some girl on girl action" said Cook, wagling his tounge and winking at me and Ems at lunch. We were used to his forwardness, but it still made me cringe from time to time.
"Um...never Cook? Contrary to popular belief, we do not put on shows" I said, rolling my eyes and feigning a shocked expression. Ems laughed and squeezed my hand gently.
"Blondie, when will you realise that the cookie monster never gives up?"
"I realised you wouldn't give up a long time ago Cook, but it still doesn't mean we're going to cave in to your demands". I looked at Ems and she just rolled her eyes at the obviously sex-deprived Cook.
"We'll see Blondie, we'll see". Cook winked at me then carried on stuffing his mouth full of food, with all the grace of a pot-bellied pig. What a charmer.
"Guys, we need a night out. All this A-level shit is too fucking boring, we need to get proper wrecked!" Said Effy, hollering at us. We all looked at Eff with a smirk on our faces. She was right, all this exam stress was making us forget who we really were. Horny, adolescent teenegers who liked to drink copius amounts of vodka and smoke way too much weed.
"YES MATE, LETS GO FUCKING MENTAL!", bellowed Cook at the top of his lungs. All of us literally jumped out of our skins. He stood up and covered his head with a bottle of water, shaking his hair around and looking like a total nutter. The whole field where we sat on for lunch went silent, Cook knows how to make a scene.
"Alright mate, sit down you fucker, it's only a night out for christ sake!" said Freds, looking slightly emabarrased, but more amused.
"Only a night out Freds? Nah mate, it's not just that, this will be a fucking tip-toparoo night out! Just gimme a sec and i'll make a few calls, sort some pills out and shit" Cook grinned from ear to ear and started to arrange the nights entertainment.
"So what you say Nai, Ems? You in?" said Effy
I looked at Ems to see what she thought about the whole thing. Her eyes glistened and she smirked. The night was a goer.
"Too fucking right"
"Well thats sorted then, Panda, Thomas and JJ will come, as i'll make them. The whole gang together, what could possibly go wrong?" Said Effy grinning at me in the way that she does. You see, Eeerytime the whole gang went out, some shit would happen, to do with Cook usually as drama follows him around like a bad smell. But I had a feeling that this night would be different, looking back now, how right was I...
Me, Emily, Panda, Thomas, JJ and Fred's were stood in the town square waiting for Effy and Cook to arrive with the nights narcotics. It was fucking freezing, but I had Emily as my temporary wrap-around blanket.
"Hey you are you two gonna stop getting in out or what? I mean were in public, it's just you know…not very private" said Freddie looking agitated. He secretly loved it really, but the fear of getting a hard on in Tumbridge town square was too much for him to bare.
"Ha-ha sorry Fred's, didn't realise we were making you so…hot!" Said Emily, breaking her grasp from me to mock Freddie. She held her hand through mine and gave me a warm smile.
"No, No it's not that, you're not making me… I mean…there's children around…ahh fuck it. Just stop okay, you know what happened last time!" said Freddie, looking downcast and going very scarlet in his cheeks. Let's just say he had a little 'accident' and Effy wasn't too pleased with his lack of self control.
"What time did Effy and Cook say they'd be here Freds? I mean it's gone 10 and I want to get clubbing" I said, just wanting to go into some shelter as it was cold, dark and freezing. Trust them to be late, they're never on time when it comes to getting drugs.
"She just text me saying they're coming round the corner" he said pointing to the mysterious figure coming towards us. Behind was a not very mysterious Cook, jumping and thrashing his arms about in the air.
"There you are. Never the one to stick to plans are we?" I said shivering, holding Emily whilst nuzzling into her hair.
"Keep your knickers on Nai, had to wait a while to get the new stock in and Cook was pissing around as usual. But anyway, got them now so let's go and get monumentally fucked up yeah?" The smirk on her face and twinkle in her eye lead us all to believe she wasn't joking. This was gonna be one hell of a night. And by hell I mean Hell.
The Scorpion Cub, or more commonly know as 'TSC' was totally packed full of people as usual. It's a gay bar, full of a different variety of people, all of different sexual orientations. Even though the others are straight, they still loved the atmosphere and we came here quite regularly to 'get low with the queers' as Freddie would put it, being the politically correct individual that he is.
"Hey so you all want some pills yeah? They're called 'whizzers' and Cook said they give you a massive buzz" said Effy, shaking the bag in the air. The little florescent pills inside shaking around, they looked so good. We all looked on in tempation. Apart from JJ of course.
"Not for me thank you Effy. You really do not have a clue what they could be cut with. Chalk, cat litter and gravel are the believed new ingredients of the street MDMA nowadays". JJ shifted on his feet and looked around as we all laughed, but admired his forthrightness.
"Thats okay, Jay. Kinda guessed you wouldn't be having any" Said Eff smiling genuinely and stroking his arm.
"Anyone else?".
Cook helped himself to 4 pills and staggered his way into the club, off to find a 'straight bird to willy-waggle with' as he put it. Fred's, Thomas and Panda also took a couple.
"Yeah why not, let's get this party started!" said Ems and with that she downed two florescent yellow and pink pills, washed down with a gulp of vodka and lemonade.
I also got two pills, downed them with a hit of cider and followed Ems into the club.
The drum and bass was so good. The beat was electric and the drugs made everything seem like we were travelling in an alternative universe. The neon lights shone brightly and the dancing people moved quickly to the beat. Ems and I were having a great time, just dancing and drinking, I could feel her pulsating as we got closer to each other. The mood in the club was on fire. And of course everyone was high which made it more entertaining.
"Its so fucking awesome here tonight Nay and the pills are really giving me a buzz. I'm totally FUCKED!!!" said Ems as the sweat trickled down her face and her eyes met mine.
"I know the pills are so good, but I need to go and sit down for a minute, need to just chill you know? I said as I stopped dancing. I really needed to sit, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest.
"Okay then Nai. I'm gonna stay here and dance some more, come back over when your done yeah? " she said before she kissed me and started jumping to the beat again.
"I love you Emily"
"I love you too"
I turned away and sat at the bar. I lit a cigarette and got myself a glass of water. I looked over at the dance floor and saw Ems having the time of her life. She really looked in the zone, really happy and proper fucked, but in a good way. I turned back round and just thought about us and how happy we were together. The past months had been the best time of my life and I could not imagine going back to the way it used to be.
I had never had that one person who you could just be with, who you didn't have to pretend with, who you could just be yourself with. And to think that one 5'2" red head, with huge brown eyes and small toes could make me feel like I did was unbelievable.
I glanced around again to see how Ems was getting along so I could join her, when I couldn't see her petite frame jumping around anymore. I cast my eyes all round the room, but I couldn't see her obvious red hair anywhere. I wasn't worried or anything, just wanted to know where she was, so I got up and went searching.
"Hey you guys, you seen Ems?" I said to Effy, Freddie and JJ who were sat at a table talking to a couple of drag queens. They all looked so happily spaced out.
"We did just a second ago, she was dancing. Why, isn't she anymore?" said JJ looking intrigued as to where she may have gone.
"Nah, I looked round the dance area but no sign". I wasn't worried at this point, just wanted to know that she hadn't passed out or something.
"She probs in the toilet or outside?" Said Effy, wide eyed and dreamy.
"Yeah I was gonna look there next. Just wondered if you had spotted her so it would have saved me the ever so long journey" I said smiling at Effy. She winked at me and carried on asking 'Miss Tequila-Mockingbird' where she got her wigs and fake tits.
I looked outside first as I thought she may have overheated and needed some air, but there she wasn't there. So I wondered back into the club, heading for the toilets. Looking back now, I wish I never left her on that dance floor.
I opened the door to the ladies and looked in the mirror that was facing all the cubuicles. What I saw in the mirror facing me made me want to be physically sick. My heart began to ache, stabbing pains entered my chest area at a rapid speed and my head felt like it was going to expolde. I was finding it hard to breathe.
There, looking up at me was Emily, propped up against the wall by some girl with her hands all over her, touching her, kissing her, inside her. I stared in shock as I watch the girl I love, the girl I fucking love so much, fucking a stranger.
No words could escape my mouth as she quickly realised it was me.
"Naomi, its not what you think, I'm sorry, I'm out of my head, I'm not sure what I'm doing" She said as she pushed the slut to one side, pulled up her jeans and quickly ran over to me.
I could not move my eyes away from the mirror. I was stuck. Glued to the spot, not even aware if I was still breathing or not. I registered what she said and turned around, numb and heartbroken.
"Your not fucking sure what your doing?" I said quickly before she could carry on with her excuses. The anger in me began to take over. The old me came flooding back.
"I think you know what your doing Hun, you seemed to have that all sussed out! Your fucking a stranger in a bog if your really not sure" I try to hold back the tears but they slowly trickle down my face. I turned round again and put the tap on to splash some water onto my face. I felt her hands slide round my waist and quickly grabed her wrist so that I turned to face her head on.
"So who is this then? She's pretty Em, good catch. I mean, what I give you is obviously not enough, so you have to get your kicks elsewhere ey?" The words came out my mouth so bitterly and full of venom the other slag looked taken a back. Emily looked scared. Usually I would have hugged her and told her it would all be fine. She wasn't my Emily though.
"Naomi, I love you. Please!" said Emily now crying, pleading on the toilet floor. Her tears would have once make me want to cuddle her and tell her I would fix it, but now the thought of her being anywhere near me made me feel sick. The slag that was fucking my girlfriend walks out of the room finally, her presence was making me every bit angrier.
"I was scared, so scared...I love you". Emily said the words so sheepishly I barely heard them.
"STOP! Just stop with your fucking shit lies! You love me do you? You're scared are you? I'm glad you think fucking a stranger is the best way of dealing with it". I grabed her by the wrist and pulled her up. I was hurting her, but I didn't care.
I was feeling so much. Hurt, anger, sadness, jealousy, love. I wanted to hurt her really badly. I wanted to make her feel the agony I felt. I didn't let go of her wrist and collided our lips together forcefully.
There was no passion this time, no feeling. She tried to get me to stop, but I wouldn't. I couldn't. I dug my nails into her neck and kissed her roughly. This wasn't tender. This was just an act. I needed to feel something.
Nothing.
I stopped when I realised she was crying hysterically and I felt a pang of guilt. I still loved her. I was just broken.
I looked into her eyes, my face hardened.
"We're done" The only words I could manage to say without breaking down completely.
I turned around to face the door and walk out. My tears are in full swing now and I couldn't stop them. I felt like I had just been shot. A bullet to the brain.
"NAOMI, I'M SORRY PLEASE!" said Emily now lying on the floor again, looking a complete state. I looked back into her eyes, usually I would see the person I loved so dearly, but now it was clouded, like the person staring back was someone else entirely. I didn't know who she was.
"Go fuck yourself" I said angrily before slamming the door open and storming out. My mascara and eyeliner had run everywhere, my cheeks were covered in lines of black and my eyes were puffy.
All I wanted to do was run. Run as far away as possible. I needed to run.
"Naomi, what's wrong? Babe look at me, what's happened?" said Effy running up to me obviously seeing I was distressed and upset. The look of concern in her eyes was too much.
"Go ask that slag in the toilets I'm sure she's got the answer you're looking for!" I said really bitterly. I didn't mean to sound like I was taking it out on Effy, but I really just wanted to leave and at the time all I saw was someone trying to stop me.
I ran out off Effy's presence and out of the club. The cold air hit me as I began to run down the street. It began to rain but my body felt so numb I could barely register the icy water hitting me. I was in so much physical and emotional pain I dropped to the floor and started crying hysterically. Passers by looked at me in bewilderment and offered a hand getting up, but I bit their heads off and told them to fuck off.
I couldn't understand. Okay she was out of it, but we have been lots of times in the past, but I have never ever looked at another girl. Ever. And why was she scared? What had I done to make her scared?
All these thoughts were flying thorough my mind at an alarming pace. We had fallings out before but I knew this time that we wouldn't kiss and make up. She had left a permanent scar on my heart. I knew it was just drunken sex, but it's more than that. This is a girl who I love, who's meant to love me, the girl who I gave myslef to. We're meant to be together.
I picked myself off the floor eventually and stumbled back home. On my phone there were a dozen messages from Emily trying to explain herself, to make it all seem okay, but it wasn't ever going to be okay again. I threw the phone at the wall and grabbed a bottle of vodka from the side. I downed the majority of it, to try and escape. It burnt my throat but it didn't compare to the other pain I felt. My eyes were in grievous amounts of agony, the crying had really made them turn a dark shade of red. My body was shaking, I couldn't control myself. To go to sleep, I thought, would make it worse as the images were sharply etched in my mind.
But I did in the end and days went by before I got up again.
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