"Sheer genius on our part." Fred sighed happily.
"Indeed brother mine." George agreed comfortably.
Harry raised an eyebrow and exchanged an amused glance with a nearby Sirius, before returning his attention to the pot of pinkish ooze resting on the kitchen tabletop.
Harry poked at it cautiously with a teaspoon and recoiled as the ooze made a faint belching noise and reared up in response, tangling tendrils around the spoon and sucking it in. "Is this a good idea?" He asked nervously. "I don't want Ron and Hermione to be, y'know, seriously damaged by this stuff."
Fred and George promptly draped their arms around his shoulders and stretched their features into their patented looks of pure innocence. "Now Harrikins, would we ever…?" they began.
"I've known you two for nine years." Harry reminded them mildly.
The arms were removed. "Bugger." Both twins said good-naturedly.
Sirius was watching the proceedings with interest as he cleared away the last of the dinner things. "What exactly are you three planning?" He leaned closer to peer curiously at the strange substance and blinked as it abruptly ejected the teaspoon, which seemed none the worse for the experience.
Harry looked up at his godfather with a welcoming grin and Sirius happily took this an invitation to seat himself opposite the devious trio of plotters. Harry was not lost to him yet. With some careful planning and fast moves he could still win the Harry-shaped prize.
"Ron and Hermione have been dancing around each other for far too long now and I'm getting very tired of the endless bickering as foreplay thing, so I asked these two pranksters to help me fix things." Harry explained, and Sirius did his best to pay attention.
"So in your exasperation you've decided to feed your unfortunate lovebird friends to this lovely little cauldron of pink slime?" Sirius suggested lightly. Because humour always worked to get blokes interested, right?
Harry kicked him under the table and rolled his eyes. Sirius kicked back and they locked ankles and struggled with each other, and for a few seconds, the matchmaking properties of pink slime was utterly forgotten by them both.
Fred interrupted the foot-war. "Hem Hem."
Harry shuddered and stopped messing about. "Ugh, don't Fred. So many years on and I still think of that bloody toad Umbridge when I hear someone do that." He shook himself and continued. "No Sirius, the twins and I are merely going to fix things so that they have to go to the Victory Ball together in an unmistakably couple-like fashion instead of messing about like they have been doing for too bloody long."
"Yes, as Harry said, our idiot brother and his bookworm have a strange and endless mating dance going. It is now annoying us all – not just poor Harry." George took up the explanation.
"So we figured out a way to make them appear in public as a couple, and thus the enforced charade will likely become reality." Fred continued.
"We also think they might both mellow-"
"-If they actually got some."
"And as Harry is our beloved major investor, we, the marvels Gred and Forge have invented something for him that will stick them together for two days… and two long hot nights." The twins both wiggled their eyebrows dramatically as George finished speaking.
Sirius couldn't help but notice that the eyebrows in question were somewhat sparse and purple, and wondered idly if that would be a side effect of whatever they were planning to inflict on the hapless Ron and Hermione.
"Sounds good to me," Harry said.
"Yeah, fun." Agreed Sirius, wondering if he could get deeply embroiled in this latest prank, because really, whatever opportunity to spend time with Harry was good, but if mischief was involved – even better… "If you need any help…"
George and Fred melodramatically clutched at each other, squashing a protesting Harry in the process. "The Great and Wonderful Padfoot is going to help us. Oh be still our little hearts…"
Sirius grinned and sketched a slight bow. Easy. Having a reputation for this kind of thing really did help at times.
Harry effectively ended the idiocy by embedding an elbow deeply into the soft belly of each twin, and snatched up the wriggling pot of goop with a grin. "Well, no time like the present."
"Smear just little bit on each of them," Fred said seriously, "bare skin mind."
"Just a tiny little bit will do, and it doesn't matter if they try to wipe it off, because unless they actually go and wash it off within a couple of seconds it'll just rub it in," George chimed in.
"Let it soak into their skin for at least ten minutes," Fred added.
"Then when they touch each other, bare skin mind, point your wand and just say: Activate Lovers!" George finished.
Harry saluted and left the room followed closely by Sirius.
"I almost wish I hadn't loaned my cloak to Remus so he could sneak off to get his Wolfsbane dose, it would have simplified things to be able to creep in and do the deed invisibly," Harry grumbled to Sirius.
They lurked uncertainly in the doorway to the lounge. Hermione and Ron were alone, as the plotters had hoped. Ron was absently picking at his teeth as his broom rested unattended in his lap, and Hermione was reading a thin booklet with a fierce expression on her face as she blindly scribbled depressingly tidy looking notes.
"How can she write in straight lines without looking?" Sirius mumbled.
Harry shrugged. "She is Hermione. She is abnormal. Merlin only know why Ron wants to get tangled up with her, he must have some serious sub-dom fantasies to want to be bossed incessantly for the rest of his days."
Sirius choked quietly for a moment before recovering himself and leaned closer to whisper in Harry's ear. "Do you think it will look less immediately suspicious if you treat Hermione and I treat Ron?"
Harry was proud of himself when he managed not to squirm at the puff of warm air sliding past his ear, "Yeah, I guess so, better than me just going and slopping it over both their heads anyway… grab a bit of this stuff, and we'll do it."
Ron looked up dopily as Sirius slapped him on the back and managed to dab a bit of slimy potion on the back of his neck. "Hi Sirius." He mumbled, unaware of the tiny blob of pink goop now residing on his neck.
Sirius subtly wiped his slimy hand on his jeans and grinned. "Game of chess mate?"
Ron immediately began setting up the board; Sirius was one of very few people currently at Grimmauld Place who was remotely worth challenging at his second favourite game.
Harry was leaning over Hermione, fully aware that his task would be more difficult. "What are you reading?" He asked casually.
"Oh, Harry," Hermione blinked up at him, her quill stuttering to a halt. "Simply fascinating accounts about the properties of Flux Weed in a newly developed potion. I simply had to take notes, I thought I could discuss it with Professor Slughorn over dinner tomorrow."
Harry grinned and leaned closer. "Quite a lot of stuff there for poor old Horace to wade though," he teased as he tweaked at a lock of unruly hair, carefully smearing a tiny trace of potion on her jaw as he did so.
Hermione blinked and brushed at her face, only succeeding in rubbing the pink smudge into her skin. "Well, I'm looking forward to discussing it. I imagine it seems sort of silly to be so obsessed by learning as my NEWTS were so long ago, I can't exactly get any more qualifications now unless I manage to get an apprenticeship."
Harry squeezed her shoulder. "You wouldn't be you if you didn't have a learning related passion going on, and if you want an apprenticeship of any sort I'm sure you'll manage to get it without much difficulty." He reassured her as he took the seat beside her and began flicking through her notes. Potions had made a lot more sense to him in the years since Snape had ceased teaching them, and on occasion they were even somewhat interesting.
Twenty minutes passed peacefully. Hermione finally managed to exhaust her supply of information, and Harry's limited interest had already waned, so she and Harry drifted across to watch the chess game playing out.
Harry folded his arms and leaned them on Sirius's shoulders. After a minute he rested his jaw on Sirius's shoulder. It was a very nice position to be in, and hopefully Hermione would take it as encouragement to move closer to Ron – in a friendly way of course.
Hermione moved hesitantly closer to Ron, and Harry mumbled almost inaudibly: "C'mon touch him. You know you want to, snogging is much more fun than studying bloody potions." He felt Sirius snort softly in response as he made a very poor move – apparently distracted by Harry's quiet commentary.
Ron was quick to take advantage and was soon calling checkmate, as Sirius's play rapidly worsened.
Sirius shrugged at the defeat, "Good game Ron."
Ron shook his head. "Nah, not really, I thought you had me for a minute, but then you suddenly made that really daft play with your bishops and I had you."
Sirius smiled happily, "Well, I had Harry drooling down my neck, which proved a bit distracting."
"I do not drool." Harry protested with wounded dignity as he removed himself from his draped position over Sirius.
Sirius twisted to face him with mischief glinting in his eyes. "You did so, and if you don't have sufficient control to even know you drool then I'll have to take you away and give you some lessons in etiquette."
Harry and Sirius exchanged a meaningful glance and Sirius hastily got to his feet. "So I'll return Harry to you when he has managed to master the art of not drooling down my neck."
Harry nodded and fled the room closely followed by Sirius. They both pounded away down the hall and made a production of opening and slamming a nearby door before swiftly sneaking back to listen outside the lounge.
"Honestly, Harry and Sirius are a really bad influence on each other." Hermione was saying as they resettled themselves. "That was just so weird."
"Yeah, I dunno what that was all about." Ron agreed. "Good to have a half-decent game with someone though, because I'm getting a bit fed up with just sitting here safely in limbo, recovering from our completely not serious injuries and waiting for the ministry to importantly finish rounding up all the last surviving Death Eaters before we all go back to living our proper lives without threat of assassination. Which can't be that threatening if the stinking ministry is throwing a ball tomorrow night." His voice trailed off as his gaze was drawn back to the board. "Though I'm still not sure what he was trying to do with the bishops."
"That was the oddest thing though." Hermione persisted, "Did you see the look Sirius had on his face when Harry was, well, snuggling up to him? He started playing badly immediately."
"Well, he said Harry drooled on him." Ron said matter of factly. "I don't think I'd be too focused if Harry did that to me. Yuck."
In the hall Harry huffed and Sirius did a poor job of containing a snort, which prompted Harry to briefly apply a headlock.
Hermione huffed too, oblivious to the scuffle taking place in the hall. "No, I don't think he did. The look Sirius had on his face wasn't disgusted, just distracted and sort of… blissful I guess." She ended thoughtfully.
"Blissful? Aw, you secretly like my drool." Harry teased Sirius, sniggering in a rather ticklish manner against the back of his neck.
Before Hermione could speculate any further in a manner almost guaranteed to embarrass him, Sirius saw Ron rest a hand against Hermione's bare forearm and promptly waved his wand and muttered the activation.
Suddenly Ron gasped: "I can't let go!"
"What?" There was a small sound of struggle and Harry and Sirius almost toppled over as they both eagerly craned their necks to see Ron and Hermione wrestling together, as Ron's fingers remained stubbornly attached to her arm. They muffled their laughter at Hermione's shriek of frustration when she managed to slide Ron's hand down her arm and to her hand, only to discover that their fingertips stubbornly remained attached.
"Harry and Sirius did this!" She announced suddenly. "I knew there was something up with them!"
"So lets go find them." Ron urged eagerly as he started towards the door, his long strides pulling poor Hermione off her feet.
Sirius and Harry meanwhile, had decided that it was time for them to be elsewhere. Harry let go of Sirius, and straightened up, or at least he tried to.
It took a panicked Harry and Sirius a few seconds to realise that not only had they pranked Ron and Hermione; they had also pranked themselves. Harry's face was pressed snugly against Sirius's neck, and he couldn't move it away.