A Star Is Born

by LightandSound

Roland is a singer down on his luck, spending much of his early adulthood chasing a dream of being a star knowing the astronomically small chances of making it. A chance encounter with an Autobot named Smokescreen, who just happened in the crash land in the area, ends up changing the direction of their lives in ways neither expected.

13. The Dreams That You Dare to Dream

Was this a dream? Or was this a nightmare?

The process of being ready for television had forced Roland into an instinct of merely following marching orders. Whatever the judges would say, he would simply nod. Whatever the producers wanted, he would try to give in to their demands to the letter. The fear of this being a dead dream had overridden any sense of self-preservation and as much as Roland did not want to admit, it had also made him sacrifice any degree of autonomy and dignity. Yet, this was his shot at stardom. This was his moment to not just perform for the cameras, but for an audience and platform he never had.

He had just performed Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On," capping off his first performance in a live television setting. He was too overwhelmed to say much more as he meekly smiled while wreathed in the glow of studio lights, his mind scrambling for the automatic responses he would give while waiting for the moment he would allow himself to be vulnerable.

"What a way to start your journey in the live shows! You took such a big song like Celine's and you sang it so well, and I'm really excited to see where you'll go from here on out. I know, and I know my fellow judges will agree with me, you have a lot more to give and I definitely hope the American public agrees."

It was a relief to hear the positive comments, even though Roland wasn't sure if it was a sign if he was pulling off genuinely good performances or if it was a sign that the judges were telling him what the producers were feeling. Regardless, he responded with a smile and kept himself guarded as the cameras were still trained on him, not even refusing to let even a hint of his real feelings until he was sure that his performance slot was fully finished. It was not until the host waved him off and he ushered himself backstage that Roland allowed himself to feel the anxiety finally burst through his chest, and he made a beeline for the dressing room to give himself a moment.

He held his stomach and took a deep breath, praying that there was no random producer that was beginning to train some sort of camera on him or another one of the contestants that would have seen him having a moment. As much as he would've liked to see either Elaine or George, he wanted to see them with a measure of dignity, not when his post-performance nerves couldn't even allow him a small sliver of relief.

Deep within the bubble of the fame that America's Next Big Star had thrust upon him, his mind escaped to thoughts of Smokescreen. He needed his rookie… he needed his friend. He immediately reached for his phone, his heart soaring when he saw notifications from said Autobot run through his phone, with texts asking him how it went.

Roland – 9:22PM

Just got into dressing room had a moment

Performing live is so weird but I think it went okay

Not sure how to feel but I got really nervous after

Smokescreen – 9:24PM

How are u rn ro?

Dude u sounded slagging great on television

U were like… frag how do humans sound like that?

Roland – 9:25PM

Better now that I'm talking to you

And thank you thank you

Smokescreen – 9:26PM

Awesome

We need to catch up genuinely

How's tonight looking for phone?

Roland – 9:27PM

Can do that

Thank god it's only week 1

Hope I make it through tomorrow night

Smokescreen – 9:28PM

You will little dude

good luck ttyl

Phone calls were the easiest way to make sure he was in contact with Smokescreen when text did not work. While meet-ups in person could be coordinated, Roland's schedule had grown more and more unpredictable and demanding especially now that he was in the middle of the live shows. Finding time to simply breathe between interviews, practice, rehearsals, media training, taping for the pre-performance videos… the days had flown by distressingly quickly, to the point where even tonight had caught Roland by surprise, even though he had been endlessly practicing the Celine song just days before.

After post-show interviews and entertaining the crowd in some bits for the post-show program, Roland found himself trudging to the contestants' house late at night alone. As strange as it was to skip the continued festivities, especially with the younger contestants like Dylan and one of the frontrunners in the Girls category, Sandra, wanting to relish in the Los Angeles nightlife before facing rehearsals tomorrow. Roland was too exhausted… and his mind was too focused on the thought of wanting and needing to talk to Smokescreen.

He just needed to hear his voice again.

It was five past 1 in the morning when he felt it safe to contact Smokescreen, leading himself to one of the unoccupied verandas of the show and trying not to risk the sleeping areas. It was late enough where he knew some of the older contestants like Elaine or one of the more introverted crew would probably be heading to bed in anticipation for a busy early morning. There was barely any rest when it came to shows like this, with Roland knowing that even if he did make it past the first week of voting, it would inevitably be time to start planning for week 2 immediately right after.

Roland put any thought of America's Next Big Star to back of his mind as he dialed the number he used to contact Smokescreen, hoping he would pick up this late into the night. What was the Cybertronian terminology again? He hoped that the Autobot was still online, which would be true if Roland would've been more apt to use a chat interface than hashing things out through calls. Thankfully, Smokescreen did pick up, and to his relief… he could hear his voice again, feeling a rush of familiarity through his chest that was a much needed comfort.

"Ro! Good to hear ya again. Slag, when was the last time we talked that wasn't text?" And it was as amusing to hear that human technology still made Smokescreen sound so relatively low tech.

For once, Roland could feel a genuine smile go through his face. This wasn't home, but this was close.

"Likewise, it's been a while, Smokescreen. I missed hearing you, though. I'm sorry my schedule's still so fucked… The live shows were way more intense than I thought," Roland could feel himself nearly surrender to exhaustion as he talked.

"Pace yourself, man. I thought patrolling around left me exhausted, though it helps 'Cons are just not really that common 'round here. You sound wiped, however. I don't blame ya because watching through the TV was intense on its own, but slag… you doing okay? How was the whole thing anyway?"

Roland sharply inhaled as he contemplated the rookie's question, not even knowing where to begin to answer that. He felt like he was too neck-deep into the bubble to provide an answer that would get to the heart of the matter, but exhaustion was a place to start.

"That's part of why I stayed up to call… I wanted to see you but there's just so much going on… It's exhausting but I'm trying to take in all the good of it while it lasts," he knew just how lucky he was compared to many months ago, when he was a struggling singer with virtually no platform or audience. This was not performing in Chicago dive bars anymore. "I just… wanted to hear your voice before I turned in. I'm… sorry if I caught you at a bad time."

"Ro, no… it's okay. To be honest with ya I needed to hear you too, not just through a slagging television screen. I've been mostly housesitting your apartment anyway, makin' sure someone's tending to your stuff."

"That's really sweet of you, Smokescreen… thank you. I'm doing okay right now it's just… trying to navigate press, training, coaching, rehearsing… this went from 0 to 60 so quick. It feels faster than… even Cybertronian rockets?"

"Ro, heh… but talkin' seriously, I know how busy things are. I miss ya, but this is your dream, man… This is your moment. I know ya gotta work and train hard like I did when I was wanting to join the Elite Guard. It's like… this is your craft, right? Your dream? Your passion?" Smokescreen, even through the limitations of human tech, was still able to sound so ardently passionate through the phone line.

"Yeah… yeah, of course, yeah. As I said before, ever since I was a kid…" Roland could only utter, but he uttered it with more enthusiasm than he would ever muster for the cameras.

"Then you know my stance on this, Ro. I should let you head to wherever your berth is… you really need the recharge, little dude. Is it that intense on TV?"

"It is… I can't describe the energy of it. You really have to be there because there's more left up to chance. It's such a blur that I can't even remember my own performance except that it happened. And you're right… I have to go lie down, holy crap…"

"Get some recharge, my man. I like this whole phone arrangement but if it's safe for both of us… I can drive down and we can hang out and get you away from the TV situation at a later date. Sound good?"

"I'd like that… and thanks for everything, Smokescreen. Good night…"

"Good night to you too, little dude… See ya in a few cycles."

Soon after the call, Roland surrendered to sleep that was only but a continuation of the blur that was this strange reality TV show bubble. Sleep gave way to rehearsals, to preparing for some group performance where he was expected to display some basic choreography with the rest of the so-far final 12 before they would know of their fates in live television. He would be interviewed by some news outlets that were especially curious in him as the status of the one person most likely to win the season throughout the day.

Each answer to each question was always trained. Roland would always saw a series of canned responses of how honored he was that he had this much support. However, he was never allowed to engage or interact with that support and neither did he have the energy to manage his own social media accounts. As grateful as he was for the seeming interest from what media did want to interview him, each response grew more robotic as Roland awaited for the live results show to begin.

It did not help that the directive from the production that consisted the media training team always emphasized the following to him:

"Morrow, never ever veer off script. You are not an artist and you have not earned that right. You say what we want you to say. Nothing else."

It was another part of the game he had signed up to play, unpleasant as it was.

When it came time for the actual results show, it was a mélange of awkwardness and tense feelings all around. Roland, when the cameras weren't on his case and when he couldn't text Smokescreen, would often stick close to George while the show was trying to entertain viewers with guest performers and group performances while the nation was voting on who gets to remain on the show.

"Think we'll be getting through?" Roland asked George while the both of them were waiting in a holding room just before they would be hauled out for the results announcement.

"You'll be gettin' through, Roland. After last night? You were amazing. Dunno about me…"

"You will get through, too… I'd be upset if your journey ended here."

Seeing George smile without the cameras upon him reminded Roland that this was not all fake… livelihoods were still in the balance, even if they were inflected with the dramatics of incoherent latin choral music and tense results shows.

When it was time for the show to announce the 9 acts that still had a shot in the competition, the way it was done was engineered for maximum dramatics and tension. The host would call out each contestant's name one by one, leaving considerable gaps of silence as those watching the broadcast would get a shot of each act's anticipatory and fearful faces. Each act was arranged and grouped into their categories with their celebrity mentor standing alongside them on stage. Roland, in this arrangement, was sandwiched between George and the Boys' mentor, Angela.

Two names were called out, with Roland only knowing that one of them was one of the girls and another was one of the groups. He kept his head down as he tried to clear his mind through this unbearable tension.

"The third act definitely through to next week is…"

Roland took a deep breath during the awfully long pause.

"Roland!"

The relief was so palpable that he had all but encased George into a trembling hug when the host announced his name. Soon, he found himself also hugging his celebrity mentor and then soon enough, he had to usher himself backstage to where the rest of the safe acts were to ride out the rest of the night. This was only one week out of eight, knowing there were still many hurdles to clear after this point. Still, it meant that something he was doing was resonating with some voters out there, though Roland wasn't sure how long this good fortune would last or if he even had some modicum of a long-term future within this bubble.

Through the speakers, he heard George's name be the fifth to be called out. Elaine was the next one.

The first contestant to be eliminated, being revealed to have finished dead last in America's public votes was the teen heartthrob of the Boys, Dylan.

It was a haunting omen for Roland, a message sent that nobody truly was safe no matter what the producers wanted or intended.

The second week of the live shows, for a lack of a better description, did not go well for Roland.

Each week of the live shows from the second week onwards would have some sort of theme as a token attempt to get the contestants to sing a variety of songs. To Roland's chagrin, his luck was already strained when the theme for the second week was revealed to be #1 Billboard Hot 100 hits from the past ten years, so every contestant had no choice but to sing songs released after the new millennium and the songs also had to have charted at #1 at some point in their release. This dramatically reduced many viable options for Roland and due to this theme mismatch, he was tasked by producers to sing a contemporary dance hit.

The song in question? Lady Gaga's "Just Dance."

He enjoyed the song as a listener, having always held a fondness for dance music and the freedom it could offer. However, performing it was another matter entirely, and it made for incredibly awkward rehearsals and video tape recordings when he had to justify why he was pivoting to a song he would normally never sing. Rehearsals were especially a point of contention, given that he was going to be surrounded a sea of dancers and was expected to pretend to command the stage like Lady Gaga would. Regardless of how much he practiced, he was too meek to be a commanding dance pop presence, and his attempts at hip swaying and gyrations were constantly outmatched by the dancers that accompanied him.

This translated to a performance that Roland knew was far from his finest hour in the show when the performance night of the live shows' second week began. He was sent out to open the show with the Lady Gaga song with a pre-performance video that emphasized that he wanted to take a risk and sing something that no one would expect. Such statements were blatant lies, given that Roland did not even want to sing the song or even had any agency in the matter. It was an imposition by the producers, though as far as people watching the show were concerned… the song was 'chosen' by Angela to promote a sense of risk taking with Roland.

Roland's performance was stiff and the choreography did not allow for him to even properly project his voice. He displayed a clear discomfort with movement, even though Roland was trying to add some flair around line endings and when the dancers would sway and bob. However, due to the fast-paced nature of the song, Roland never really had a chance to build up to a glory note, and since he was so focused on ensuring his vocals were secure, he never lost himself in the song. His eyes constantly followed the dancers that weaved around both him and the stage, constantly surrounding and acting as if he had the charisma of a seasoned pop star.

Thus, it wasn't surprising for Roland when the judges weren't enthusiastic about the performance, but what alarmed was how they were packaging the critiques.

"Roland, your voice is unassailable, but what worried me about that performance is that it didn't really play true to who you were. It never felt like you enjoyed yourself and I think it was a mistake on Angela's part that she chose this song for you. I think you need to return to your roots as a performer and I hope the American public gives you the chance to do that next week."

Ominous, but fair.

However, Roland knew that the biggest part of it regarding Angela was an entire fabrication, but he didn't have any chance to speak the truth, and neither did he want to risk the producers' ire. He walked out of the performance with a sinking feeling in his stomach, having an instinct that he had just doomed his entire run and that in 24 hours… he would be making an early exit from this bubble. As much as it hurt, he tried to force himself to make peace with the outcome he expected. Considering last week and this week consisted of double eliminations, Roland reasoned that 10th or 9th place was fine, and he would just find another route to stardom. More importantly, he would have more time to be with Smokescreen.

When tomorrow night rolled around and when he and the rest of the contestants were wheeled out to know of their results, Roland was not surprised when the host called every other name that was not him. George was one of the first few names to be called safe, something that did not surprise Roland given that the former closed out last night's show with a stunning performance. When more names were called, what alarmed him were some of the people still standing with him.

Elaine was still not called. Additionally, a hyped girl group called the Dynagirls were also still on stage, as well as one the other hotly tipped acts, Sandra. They were the last four standing on stage and only one of the last four standing received enough votes that guaranteed a spot for next week's show.

"The seventh and final act, definitely through to next week is… Sandra!"

It was pandemonium in the studio when the bottom 3 of the week was made known, Roland looking down and trying to accept the situation as he felt Angela tightly embrace him. He embraced her back as he looked towards where Elaine was, horrified that she was also on the precipice of her journey ending this early. With this being a double elimination, Roland knew that there was a chance that one of him, Elaine, and Dynagirls were going home immediately. The host ushered them all together, explaining the process and stressing that one act's journey was definitively over.

"The act that came last in the public vote and who will be leaving the competition is… Dynagirls! I'm so sorry, girls. Elaine and Roland, you two will be facing each other in the sing-off."

The show moved too quickly for Roland to properly process what was going on, only knowing that he was now going to be performing for the show's infamous live sing-offs for those that did not garner enough votes to get through to the next phase of the competition. The way the show often framed these sing-offs is that acts in either the bottom two or three (depending on how many contestants the show needed gone) would have to 'sing for their survival' and the judges would vote on which act should go home.

It meant having to go head-to-head against someone like Elaine.

During the brief commercial break, she looked inconsolable as she was notified that she was due to be the first to sing. As a matter of course, Roland would be the second to perform.

There was no time for Roland to even check his phone as the show went back live once more after the commercial break, putting the singer in a position where he needed to work up the emotional wherewithal to perform his sing-off song without keeling over into a breakdown. The song he had was at least more palatable to his voice than the Lady Gaga dance number he performed last night. It was Leona Lewis' version of Snow Patrol's "Run," a rock ballad turned into a pop version. To his benefit, it was also an incredibly emotional ballad where he did not need to worry about doing some sort of choreography, written with lyrics that struck too close to home.

Who was he kidding, "Run" articulated how he felt about fame separating him from Smokescreen in ways that he couldn't express just through talking it out.

Just the thought of him, mixed with the intensity of emotion that the show would often invoke from its contestants, was enough to have Roland trembling and nervous when it was his time to perform. His mind was too wrapped up in thoughts of needing to perform and be put together to the point where he did not even realize that Elaine herself was having an emotional moment during her performance.

After introductions were set and when he was on the stage for the second time this week, all he had was just his voice and the hastily produced instrumental of "Run." As the song began, his mind manifested Smokescreen somewhere in the audience, operating upon a hope that he was watching this performance live. The first verse alone nearly immobilized Roland, with him almost keeling over from the realization that the lyrics mirrored his thoughts. Smokescreen was one of the few things that went right for Roland, and even then… the singer felt he wasn't doing enough for the Autobot he'd come to love and cherish.

He was real.

Roland needed him. The song itself became real, with Roland forgetting that he was performing for reality television, that this song had a specific agenda that was aimed to be a showcase for his powerful vocals. In the two minutes he had on stage, he performed the song with an emotionality that saw him draw close to the edge, his voice booming and echoing throughout the song's peppered glory notes, and Roland worked through those big notes as chances for a catharsis he sorely needed. He was at a loss when the song finished, blowing a kiss upwards to the sky and trying his best not to completely lose it in front of the cameras.

When Roland's performance was complete, he and Elaine were directed to stand right next to each other as it was now time for the judges to vote for who they would send home.

"Judges, I need a decision and it is time for you all to vote. Please tell me the name of the act you are sending home."

The audience were a mélange of reactions, some deathly quiet, and some simply cheering to express something despite the seeming shocking nature of the situation. Here were the two balladeers of this season tipped to go far with one of them having no choice but to go home depending on how the judges voted.

The first to vote was Angela. Predictably, she cast her for Elaine to go home. The next two judges voted for Roland to go home, leaving the decision for tonight all the way down to the fourth judge. Should that judge vote for Elaine, the show would revert back to the earlier public vote as the judges would be in a literal deadlock. Should that judge vote for Roland, his fate was sealed and he would exit the competition in 9th place.

"I can't decide between these two," that judge began. "Elaine, Roland… you two are the best singers in this competition right now and both of you should not be in this spot. I have to take it to deadlock… the act, unbelievably, I have to send home, is Elaine."

"Thank you. Two votes each which means we are now in deadlock."

The studio was briefly drowned in haunting red lights as the word was plastered over the screens for a few seconds. All Roland could do was stand there and wait for the eventual results to be released, preparing for the worst and willing for Elaine to be the one to make it through to next week. To his mind, his virality was simply but a red herring, a fleeting fame that found its end here and now.

"The judges have failed to decide and we will revert to the earlier public vote. The act who has received the fewest amount of votes will have to leave the competition. Elaine, Roland, this is it. The act who has received the fewest amount of votes and will have to be going home is…"

There was no way he was surviving past this week, Roland reasoned in his mind during the pause. He looked down, preparing to accept his fate and trying to prepare for his name to be uttered by the host.

"Elaine."

That was more than unexpected.

He immediately reached over to embrace the clearly upset Elaine, considered the frontrunner in the category for soloists over the age of 28. He remembered that she too was also struggling to perform a suitable song for this week's theme, but for her journey to end this early was still a shock. The crowd cheered in sympathy for her during their embrace, but Roland was ushered backstage to the chattering of other contestants and producers.

The night after was long, filled with interviews and engagements for the post-show. He didn't even get back to the contestants' house until it was 3am, reaching for his phone and seeing the large amounts of notifications from Smokescreen while the show was live. He was too exhausted to read the bulk of them and even their timesteps, but a good majority of those messages all expressed worry and panic, as well as an apology that he was out in patrol during the chaos of the results reveal. He was also even asking about the nature of the song he performed this week… about how odd seeing him try to dance was.

He was about to send a long string of responses with a promise to call home. At this point, he was desperate enough to contemplate asking whether or not Smokescreen could appear while he had a lull during his promotional and rehearsal schedules. Before he could, he heard George's voice emanate through the room.

"Ya still up, Roland?... I thought the extras for America's Next Big Star would've tired you out, or the interviews with TVLine and stuff," he was just as surprised to see George's exhausted and restless form.

"I can't sleep… not after tonight. I'll try to catch some rest. You should too, you have a pretty big day tomorrow." Roland kept his voice down, not wanting to disturb the rest of the house.

"A'right… just wanted to check in after… what happened. It sucks that Elaine has 'ta go… and it sucks you had to face that this early."

"It's okay… I'm more worried for Elaine but she didn't wanna talk to anyone. For me… I just had a feeling it would happen."

"That's fair, Roland… By the way, wanted to ask… what's the whole thing with you sending a kiss up to the ceiling after every song? Is that you wanting to build a signature or?..."

Roland smiled. He couldn't tell the whole truth and shock George about the existence of Cybertronians, no less the fact that he had befriended one in the process of getting to Los Angeles. Yet… there was a way he could package it without having to delve into the rabbit holes of alien wars, Autobots, and Decepticons. The last thing this show needed was to be caught up in some strange Decepticon attack, even if fate itself could be a funny thing sometimes.

"Sort of… there's a friend of mine who's pretty private and I didn't want to involve him with the production. He knows about how far I've made it and… he does watch, so I have that thing as a way to let him know that I'm thinking of him without the… producers being weird about it, you know?"

"That's… really sweet and thoughtful, actually. I should do that… I got family back at home but they're all involved in it so it might get hard, but good on ya for keeping your loved ones safe from this show. I like being here but man it's weird. Anyway, we should head to bed… sleep well, alright?"

"You too, George… you too."

The following week saw Roland being met with panicked producers and vocal coaches, with the one directive that he needed to go back to the route of singing dramatic ballads regardless of the theme. Additionally, he was also let in another plan while he was in the beginning stages of planning out what the third week would entail for him.

If he made it to the fourth week, the show had plans to pencil in a Thanksgiving theme around then. He would be given the chance to sing the very song that made him go viral in the first place. It was the first time that he and the producers would actually agree on a song and thus, Roland agreed with the plan, hoping he wouldn't face some sort of strange misfortune this week. To his benefit, the theme of the third week was songs written and released in the 1990s, the very decade that he was most comfortable with.

The next week was a blur, with Roland now being tasked by the production, under the guise of Angela needing to understand her mentee better, to sing a dramatically rearranged version of "Everybody's Free" from Romeo + Juliet.

Rehearsing for this specific song, as a result, was a much easier effort than last week. The arrangement allowed for his voice and emotions to be at the forefront especially as the song was arranged for the kinds of vocal climaxes that Roland was most comfortable with. In the night of the actual performance itself, Roland felt he could be more passionate on stage without faking it. The staging was simply focused on him alone and the lights were more subdued yet dramatic, never flashing excessively.

The song began with tenderness and ended with an impassioned plea, his vocals filling up the studio as he lost himself in the emotions of the song. He would repeat the song's refrain at the very top of his vocal range, a passion and strain evident throughout this performance. As a result, he was teary-eyed when "Everybody's Free" ended and when the crowd cheered rather loudly for him. The ensuing comments were far more positive versus last week, but what caught Roland off-guard was that even Angela herself was also in tears as she was about to provide her commentary.

"I just wanted to say, especially after last week, I am so proud of you, Roland. You nailed such a difficult song this week and I really hope from here on out that America is in full support of you because you're so good. You deserve to make it so far into the competition and I just want to say… America, please, please vote for Roland Morrow!"

Maybe it was the intensity of the moment or the fact that it was live television, or maybe there was a genuineness to Angela's pleas for the voting public. Roland wasn't sure how he lost his composure, but he cried alongside Angela in the moment, necessitating to the host offering him some tissues as he was barely able to articulate his feelings after the performance. Either way, it was the realization that being on the precipice of being eliminated just a mere week ago had rattled him more than he realized, and just even someone voicing their belief in him appealed to the side of him that desperately wanted this dream to come true.

To his and Angela's relief, tomorrow night was not a harbinger of more chaos.

Roland had made it through to next week, being one of the first few names announced safe when it was time for the contestants to learn their fate.

It dawned on Roland the day after that third week's results show that the promised plans the producers had intended for him would be put into action. In fact, that very morning involved Roland being set aside with Angela to discuss what this week would entail, with the producers making good on their insistence that this specific week was the moment where Roland would sing again, as far as the show was concerned, the very song that made Roland viral in the first place. There was a clear strategy here, but Roland did not have the wherewithal or energy to think deeply about the plans the producers had in store, no less the temerity to read between the lines.

"Roland, this is the week where you really need to nail it and sell it," it was strange to think that the many producers of the show were doing the bulk of the work that Angela should be doing. "We're making this a dedication week for Thanksgiving and 'Over the Rainbow' should fit. We'll give you the Eva Cassidy version but with the Leona Lewis interpretation. If you can sing it like you did in your audition, you won't have to worry about hitting the bottom 2 again, and if it all works… this could even set you on the path to the final in December."

All Roland could do was nod and listen, though he wasn't sure what to feel about some in the production team just simply casually mentioning such statements that assumed he would get through the tougher weeks of the show. If for the sake of at least performing the very song he'd treasured for all his life, he hoped that the production would ensure that there were no strange surprises for this week's performance, nor nothing strange with the arrangement that they had in mind.

However, when Roland began to practice for the fourth week of the live shows with the vocal coaches and stage staff… that's where he learned quickly that the show seemed to be doing everything possible to make this week his 'moment.' The vocal arrangement of the song was well within his wheelhouse, a slow build up to two glory notes in the middle and the end. The instrumentation was soft and resembled the very version of the song he loved the most, just simply dramatized more to allow for those resonant vocal moments. It was expected, perhaps even silently encouraged, that Roland would betray more emotions in this song than any other.

This was more than just performing a song for him. This was working through pure, unadulterated feeling and working through a song that he had known ever since he was a young child… a song that was the quiet grief he had over his deceased mother. It had also become a song that reminded him of what he felt for the Autobot that he had treasured as a friend and companion.

From initial vocal rehearsals to actually bringing the song to life on the stage, Roland's mind was dominated by the thoughts of the rookie. Everything that he had wanted to say to Smokescreen in ways that word could not articulated was packed into 'Over the Rainbow.' He would sing this song for him many times over if only to let the rookie know of a love that he could articulate only through song, to let Smokescreen know that he had become more than just someone he trusted… Smokescreen was his safe place, his home, and the person he trusted the most in this world.

He wanted Smokescreen to still believe in innocence and love.

He wanted Smokescreen to still believe that dreams could really come true.

If there was one week where he could afford to be vulnerable, as twisted as it was that it had to be on the stage of a reality show, this was that one week. Rehearsals were a struggle in trying to keep his emotions in check to prove to the producers that he had the capacity to handle the expectations that they placed on his shoulders. It did not help that they slotted him to close the show for the actual performance night, leaving him as the parting note for the viewers at home before the show would take a break for Thanksgiving.

Each rehearsal, even though he was learning how to lose himself in the song under the auspices of a larger audience watching him, always involved him losing it. He was given even more intensive coaching from the vocal coaches, with Roland spending countless amounts of hours with them throughout the week specifically to regulate Roland's anxiety and emotions to ensure that he was able to belt out the most difficult notes without getting easily choked. It was to the point where he was rendered unable to even extensively talk with the person he was dedicating his performance to, especially as rehearsals were growing tougher as the staging concept came to life.

He needed to reach out to Smokescreen.

He needed to let him know he hadn't disappeared.

The night before he was due to perform, he had finally gotten a small enough moment of respite from the days leading up to it all. He was tossing and turning as he tried to force himself to sleep for an early night, but the nerves were far too much for him to handle.

Roland – 9:37PM

Smokescreen I am so sorry I have been so truant and distant this has been a tough week especially after nearly getting eliminated and crying on TV I know I haven't been consistent. This week especially has been trying bc the producers are…

they're making me sing… that song.

I'm actually singing over the rainbow tomorrow night.

Smokescreen – 9:41PM

Ro!

Ro… ive missed ya and ive been worried this week that somethings happened

i remember seeing all the clips from last week's show when u were crying after ur mentor said those things about ya

slag i've actually been voting but that made me more motivated

and they have? frag…

Roland – 9:47PM

Yeah…

If all goes well I'm hoping I can find more time but things are getting more intense the more I last

Could barely make it through rehearsals… you've been on my mind

I really miss you, Smokescreen

Smokescreen – 9:50PM

i miss you too…

know that ill be watching ya tomorrow

slag its been hard—cant even focus on patrols but been lucky still

i know its not been the same but i really want you to know that im proud of you

Roland – 9:55PM

You're the absolute best, Smokescreen

I wish I could say more except thank you and I know that's like… that's nothing compared to the patience you've got with this whole process

Whatever the show says… what I sing tomorrow night will be for you. The same way I sang this exact song when we were in front of my mom's grave…

The show and this industry will never take away what we have. I swear by that.

Smokescreen – 10:01PM

Ro…

next when we meet—and when

realized something, and don't worry about it being bad. Connected to what i said about my vow of protection to ya

if the show calms down, just let me know and ill make my way to los angeles

frag what the judges and the human internet will think

i know you will be amazing

now go and get some recharge

Seeing his words through the dim light of his phone calmed Roland. It was the closest he felt to feeling like he could find that stable ground to center himself, which was what he needed to stop tossing and turning after a week of agonizing that would hopefully build up to something.

As the performance night for the fourth week of America's Next Big Star dawned upon Roland, the singer tried to keep himself steady by reading and rereading Smokescreen's messages ad nauseum, trying to commit the rookie's text messages to memory as he awaited his performance slot. He spent a majority of his time in the contestants' dressing room, his mind too caught up in its own anxieties for him to watch the other contestants' performances or even for him to converse with George. The pit in his stomach made him too frazzled to talk, fearing again and again that this might be too vulnerable a moment, too raw to be dignified on stage. Were the producers setting him up to fail? He was about to excuse himself to the bathroom, hoping to avoid some random camera shot until he found himself face-to-face with Angela Klass herself. However, the veneer of her charisma seemed to be off, looking at Roland with too obvious hints of exhaustion. Regardless, she tried to smile at him.

"Roland? How are you holding up?" She'd asked.

"Just… I'm trying. I'm doing as okay as I can." Roland wasn't sure if he was deflecting or being honest, but it was the best answer he could muster.

"Alright… just making sure. I know you know how this show is like, but I know this song clearly means a lot to you. You've sung this before… it's your audition."

"I… thank you. I…"

"Of course. Don't say more. I have to run back to the panel. This moment stays between us. The judges and I say what we need to say, but… I hope the song is doing what you need it to do for you."

Soon, the painful wait would finally end for Roland.

When his emotional pre-performance tape played to the viewers at home, he was directed to his cue to stand directly at the center of the stage. He replayed every moment of Smokescreen's reassurances in his mind, living those conversations in his mind and trying to find a center to concentrate. As much as he didn't want to drown himself in trauma and sorrow, it was only when he reminisced on the memory of him and Smokescreen in front of the grave of his mother that he found a strange sense of calm. This song was not just the memory of his mother no more. He refreshed himself in the intent of what he wanted this song to be for the rookie. Smokescreen was the promise of a home, a life he could fill with happiness and love. The pre-performance video would finally end and his dramatic introduction would play, ending with a dramatic proclamation of his full name to the studio audience and viewers at home. Then, the lights would dim, Roland being surrounded with nothing but darkness as the studio fell into a haunting silence.

A singular light would then shine on Roland as he began the song a cappella, singing the first line without any accompaniment. When he began that first note, it was as if Smokescreen was right there with him once more, and he calmed as he moved through the first line of the song with a deliberately slowness. That first line was a refrain of the song's title, and he took his time with each word, never rushing his delivery or adding any sort of sudden ending. When he finished that first line, the backing track would finally play, revealing itself to be a soft acoustic guitar akin to the Eva Cassidy version of the song. When he moved through the rest of the verse, he maintained that sense of slowness and abandon, looking at the camera with a wistful gaze. His voice lilted between a falsetto and at the very top of his head voice as he sang, then lowering into his chest as he sang more of the first verse.

Soon, the song would begin to build to one of its climactic moments. As Roland elongated line endings and carried a melancholic if blissful expression on his face, the song would begin to add a subtle orchestra as a way to carry the message to the viewers at home that the song would slowly but surely intensify. The staging itself was simple, the cameras focusing on ensuring that Roland was front and center at all times and that his face was visible to the viewers at home. Wisps of smoke would surround Roland's feet as the studio would gradually be illuminated in streaks of white and warm yellow light the more Roland sang the song. Sadness, nostalgia, melancholy, and a sorrowful joy filled his eyes and voice the more he progressed through the song. He remained stationary as the song maintained its blissful atmosphere, the studio appearing as if it were some sort of dreamlike fantasy, the lone singer on stage allowed a moment to be as they are without any sort of pretense.

The golden streaks of light would intensify as the song began to slowly build to a first crescendo, Roland's vocals slowly intensifying as he gazed into the camera with a sorrowful and earnest look. His eyes brimmed with an innocence desperate to remain alive, but his mind was lost to thoughts of Smokescreen the entire time. The more the song began to intensify, the more Roland began to push his voice to meet the moment. He let his emotions take even more of the reigns as he began to sing with his more resonant belts in the lead up to refraining the song's title. He would promise Smokescreen that no matter what happened… the Autobot would find his memory over the rainbow, and just that thought gave Roland enough emotional fuel to power through the first glory note of the song.

The lights would shine in a glorious gold as the camera panned back slightly when Roland belted out the song's title with as much power he could muster. His voice soared to the highest extent of his chest voice, singing 'somewhere over the rainbow' with a ferocity and abandon that intensified the sorrowful nostalgia of the song. He looked on the verge of tears especially as the audience began to audibly cheer for him, in clear approval of the vocal acrobatics and prowess in display. He ended the line with his falsetto, hanging back as the lights dimmed to a haunting white in preparation for the last minute of the song. He held his chest as he was now facing the lines that he knew would be the most emotionally challenging for him.

His voice moved through these lines with a delicate grace as he went through his head voice to express the fragility in these lines. That naïve, sincere belief that dreams can truly come true. Beyond just the technicalities of the vocal, there was an audible cry, an overbearing rush of feeling when he sang that particular line about one's own dreams. He was trembling as he approached the near-end of his performance, his eyes watering as he gazed into the camera with that childlike earnestness. The song would quiet down for its second to last line, preparing for the final crescendo of the song and the parting glory note of the song…

"If happy little bluebirds fly, beyond the rainbow… Why, oh why, can't…" His voice lilted to a tender softness as he sang about the bluebirds, a yearning evident in his tone even when the song had all but quieted. He looked towards the ceiling when he sang that specific line, wishing that he was one of those same little bluebirds, wondering why he could not be like them. However, there was no time for rest as the song began to quickly ramp up once more, with Roland staring into the camera as he sang those pleas. His belts would return, his voice lingering as he held out the note for 'can't' even as the instrumentation fell into a very brief silence for a half-beat.

Then, he would sing out the final glory note of the song. He delivered the most passionate 'I' possible, golden lights beginning to shine upon him as Roland arched his back to deliver the parting note of his performance. His entire body trembled as he held out 'I' for an inordinate amount of time, but astoundingly, his voice never wavered or wilted out of pitch as the instrumentation dramatically closed out the song. He held it straight through, a plea delivered with an astonishing technical virtuosity and an emotional resonance that paid due to the childlike innocence of the song. The camera would slowly pull away as Roland held onto the note, only ending it as soon as the instrumentation was over. When that note ended, he quickly blew a kiss to the skies, as if he were doing this song with Smokescreen's true form right in front of him.

How could he describe how he felt?

Roland lacked any vocabulary as he felt himself shocked to an utter silence at the cheer that roared through the studio. He'd heard the crowd begin when he himself began that last glory note, but it was only when he was no longer in the middle of a performance that his mind finally had the capacity to begin comprehending what was going around him beyond just simply trying to get through a performance. He was breathless as this cheer was louder than he ever had throughout the show. Additionally, he also saw all four judges at their feet, with Roland wondering if this was some sort of trick of the mind, a dream of a dream where he was fantasizing the reaction he desperately wanted to have.

Was this a dream? Was this actually a dream?

He expected the judges to begin their commentary, but to his surprise, they did not. If anything, the crowd kept cheering hungrily for him and his performance. Roland couldn't keep his composure when the studio audience began to chant his name. It was a surreal thing to hear his name being repeated by a crowd after years of struggling just to get his foot in the door. He promised himself he would not bawl, but the reactions from those just in front of him moved him too much. Even more puzzlingly, the more Roland betrayed his emotions and left the veneer of this being a talent show, the more the crowd supported him.

He could see one of the judges raise their hands up, but to no avail, the audience just kept on cheering. Roland wasn't even sure what the protocol was, not even aware that the show was beginning to overrun its scheduled slot and needed to end the broadcast sooner than later. He could see the host beginning to approach him, making some attempt to shush the crowd. However, it didn't work, and the only thing that would begin to quiet them down was one of the judges having to get a quick comment in.

"Roland! Roland? I know it's emotional but I want to say this on behalf of not just your mentor but of every single one of us here," but that judge was fighting against an overenthusiastic audience. Roland could only nod in return, still breathless and in complete shock.

"Roland, do you know what you just did? I speak for all four of us when I say, that was not only the best performance you've had and not only just the best performance of the season. You just did one of the greatest performance in the five years of America's Next Big Star, right there. Roland, that's how it's done!"

Hyperbole or not, that only caused Roland to sob further. Maybe this was a hype he did or did not deserve. He was not even sure how the performance went, if this was something genuine, or something planned by the producers. Still, the emotions felt real, and he could see a real struggle in trying to calm down the crowd as soon as that hyperbole was declared. Tomorrow would be a brutal day in terms of unpacking the chaos of this night, but as far as Roland was concerned… he did what he needed and wanted to do. More important than whatever possible fallout was there was whether or not Smokescreen would be there. He needed to talk to him again… to reach out.

When he could finally breathe from the bubble, he would.

He knew that as the broadcast would finally end and when he was met with the accosting of fellow contestants who congratulated him on a stunning song. George was brimming with excitement when he was hugged by him in the afterglow of the performance night's aftermath. The next few hours were filled with a stack of interviews and post-mortem, and all anyone wanted to talk about was "Over the Rainbow." The bombardment of questions was about to commence. Where did this song come from? What made him so emotional?

This had to be real, right?

He had to believe that this was real.

He had to.