In short, he's fucked.

Ironically, that turns out to be the solution Karma's mind supplies. It's the kind of line Karma would roll his eyes at. I'm going to ruin you for other men. Please. Except, it might just be true. He can't even fathom anything feeling as good as Nagisa. Nagisa who seems to be etched into the back of his eyelids at this point. This isn't sex anymore, and to be honest with himself, maybe it never has been. Ergo, the only thing that might snap him out of it is if it doesn't feel so unrealistically good for once.

No matter what, there's a difference when it comes to topping. And it's pretty much guaranteed nobody's great at it on their first attempt. So it might just be the wake up call he needs.

Of course, he didn't account for Nagisa gaping at him like a drunk goldfish when he brings it up. It's a little disconcerting actually. Then again, Nagisa can be disconcerting in general sometimes, even straddling his lap like this. Karma wishes he could read his mind, where Nagisa appears to have disappeared in internal debate. Most guys upon receiving that kind of invitation? Thrilled. Clothes already halfway off.

He can't stand it anymore. "I don't know if you're having a debate with yourself or what, but it's been like five minutes."

Nagisa jolts, before shaking his head. "S-sorry."

"Careful there, you'll make me feel unwanted."

His shoulders slump, lips twitching. "Your ego's too big for that."

"Well now I'm wounded," Karma jokes.

Nagisa seems to grow more serious though. "I can live without it. Don't worry about teaching me thoroughly or anything."

Is that what he thinks? That Karma's sacrificing something for some kind of educational greater good? Sure, his motivation in suggesting this right now might be a little twisted, but it's hardly the roles he has a problem with. In fact, he probably prefers the action of taking overall anyway, if he really had to choose.

"Did you leave your critical thinking skills at home or something?"

Nagisa frowns. "What do you mean?"

"You like the way it feels," he adjusts their position, forcing eye contact, "don't you?"

"T-that's…"

Nagisa tries to avert his eyes, face darkening in a flush. Like this, Karma wants to eat him whole. He grips him by the waist, pulling him closer as Nagisa shudders at the memory. No matter what kind of denial he attempts, his expression betrays him, subtle though it is. It's almost enough to make Karma forget the point of this conversation.

"I know you're height deficient," he teases, "but our basic anatomy matches up, hm?"

Immediately Nagisa's face morphs into a scowl. "What do you mean, 'height deficient'-"

"So then, you can put two and two together, and realise it's probably not so bad for me either."

Surprisingly, the good mood appears to drain away from Nagisa, who climbs off him to sit by his side instead. He's stiff like that, fists clenched at his side. Does he hate the idea that much? Considering how Nagisa was the one who was so determined to only keep this up so long as he's learning something… Karma assumed he'd want to try switching eventually. If anything he thought it would be sooner.

"You're just as experienced with that, aren't you?" He finally gets out.

What, does he want a ratio or something? "Probably." Then he hesitates. "Something wrong with that?"

"No. I just… wouldn't know what to do."

So what, this is just nerves? "Sure you do. You've observed."

Nagisa looks at him flatly. "I was a little busy. It's still unbalanced." He tenses up again at that, eyes shut like he's deep in thought. No responses jump to Karma's mind either. "I don't know anything though," he eventually continues. "You literally never spoke about it with me."

Karma finally catches on. So this is about, what, his own past? Why is it only an issue right now? The last sentence sounds accusatory, as though Nagisa's bothered by… his lack of gossip? In truth, before everything between them, he supposes sex was probably the last thing he wanted to talk to Nagisa about.

"I don't know? It's hardly the kind of thing you just bring up in a conversation."

Blue eyes snap up. "Most guys do."

"You've never been just a guy friend-"

It slips out of him without thought, and Karma almost chokes on it. He's not even sure what he means by it. Admittedly, Karma's never been great at the whole friends thing anyway. His parents moved around far too much for that when he was a kid. Nagisa was probably his first close friend... Despite the rift he ended up causing between them. Maybe even the first person he trusted. And sure, Nagisa's always occupied a different part of his brain to other people over the years…

He doesn't want to let Nagisa dwell on the thought for much longer.

"I thought you found that kind of thing stupid anyway." Karma knows he's not wrong with that. They shared a locker room during the height of puberty, or at least they did when Karma bothered to show up to PE. "…Is it really important for you to know?"

The expression on Nagisa's face is neutral on the surface, but Karma can read him well enough to know he's forcing something down. "You don't have to tell me anything."

"You want me to, though."

"I don't know."

He feels frustration burst through him. "You can ask."

"…How many?" He asks it quietly, like he's not sure he wants to the answer.

Under different circumstances, Karma might have laughed. That's seriously all he wants to know? Is he jealous or something? And here he was thinking Nagisa wanted some kind of in-depth exes type discussion. Not that he really… has any. Though, come to think of it, Karma doesn't have the numerical answer right away either. Sure, maybe if he spends some time really thinking about it, but it's not like he can comb through six years of memory on the spot. What does he say? Probably less than forty?

"I don't know."

Nagisa's eyes narrow. "How can you not-"

"I don't exactly keep a spreadsheet."

"And you've never dated anyone?"

What, is he judging him now? Maybe under different circumstances, the idea of Nagisa acting like he's some kind of manwhore would have been hilarious. But it doesn't hit him that way. No, his mouth just feels dry instead.

"No."

Nagisa keeps going though. "Outside of whatever you consider a relationship, you've never had a regular thing with someone before?"

"Well yeah," he's told Nagisa that much, he knows. "But that's not dating."

Another frown. "I remember you said you don't do relationships. But why? It feels like something must have happened to reach that conclusion."

Just like that, it's like all of Karma's defences spring up. What does that matter? "What, I can't just not like the idea? It doesn't have to be the default, you know?"

"I know you're holding something back."

"Why do you want to drag it up so bad?!"

Karma doesn't mean to yell at him, but he doesn't feel too guilty about it. Nagisa looks startled, and Karma can't stand the expression. Finds the sensation of his body heat beside him grating all of a sudden. So he gets to his feet instead, turning away before he says something he'll end up regretting. This isn't even relevant territory for them anyway.

"I'm sorry," Nagisa lets out like a whisper.

Sorry for pressing the question or sorry as in pity? Karma doesn't really want to hear the answer, so he keeps his lips tight. Is it so bad he didn't feel like making a commitment every time he hooked up with someone? Admittedly, friends with benefit arrangements are typically more convenient. He's always been too busy to want to devote much time to the parts that make up the rest of a relationship anyway. Not that it's even appealed to him before.

Karma's always been used to fending for himself. He's essentially lived alone since he turned twelve. So what if he's not in a hurry to start sharing his existence with some guy. Most of the time that was distinctly far from the vibe he got. During university, it wasn't even that unusual to come across the whole 'not into guys' thing, though the excuse magically seemed to disappear whenever they got their dick sucked.

Maybe sometimes a guy would buy him dinner, usually older men. But he'd never really felt like going along with the charade for long, it seemed like a waste of time overall. And even those few times when someone did claim to 'like' him… it always fell flat. Like me? He used to think. You barely even know me. It's easier when it's just sex, fair and square. Nobody has to get hurt that way. It was as good a distraction as any. It didn't bother Karma if someone was just into him for his body or whatever. At least it made him feel wanted, even for just a little while.

He opens his mouth. "I didn't care about dating. Or anything like that. And neither did anyone else I hooked up with. I don't exactly radiate wholesome energy, so it's not like anyone asked me. Sometimes we'd hang out more than once, but I can't say I liked them enough to put in the effort of being their 'secret' for long."

Irritatingly, he can practically hear the way Nagisa gapes at him again. "Why would you be someone's secret?"

At times like this, he's remined of Nagisa's naivety. "Lots of reasons. I wouldn't get along with their friends, they weren't comfortable with the whole gay thing, married, once-"

"Karma."

He faces Nagisa's disappointed expression again. "What? I was stressed." And if anything, speeding up the inevitability of the divorce was probably doing them a kindness anyway.

"Okay," Nagisa swallows. He's not letting it go then. "I remember you mentioned something else a while ago, though. A guy you were hanging out with for a while."

It's like dumping a bucket of ice over his head. "Why does that matter?"

"It doesn't. But… it seems like it's on your chest."

Karma hates the way he's looking at him. Like he's feeling sympathetic. In reality, Nagisa may as well be standing on his throat, and it takes every fibre of Karma's being not to react to it in the way that feels most natural to him. It's cruel on a universal level, how Nagisa can see straight through him, no matter how many barriers he tries to throw up. No matter what Karma tells himself apparently, because he knows Nagisa's correct.

It makes him feel pathetic.

"He was just an exchange student."

Nagisa tilts his head. "Just?"

"It was nothing," he doesn't even know if he's affirming that to himself anymore. "They always put on mixers for incoming students. And everyone knows they're kind of boring, so there's always the after mixer as well."

"The after mixer?"

He almost feels like begging. "I don't know what you want me to say. It was just a hook up. He was hot, and he came onto me, so. I just didn't expect he'd be in one of my classes. It's not like it was a small university. We mostly just argued about politics anyway."

It's not like Karma had wanted to go to some welcome mixer. Sure, he was all for multicultural appreciation, but Tokyo hardly lacks in it. He had enough on his plate at that time as it was, and extracurricular buddy scheme type things were low down on his priority list. Really, it just so happened that that social mixture was directly in his path, and he'd felt apathetic enough to follow some others inside.

Bright blue eyes. Not the right blue though, these were icier. Still enough to steal his attention though. Karma didn't speak to him right then, but of course he noticed. As did a number of female students apparently, shielding a lot of the man from view. The man was attractive without a doubt, and his demeanour suggested he was aware of the fact. Tall, muscled enough that he could likely slam him against the wall… Better still, Karma could have sworn those eyes catch his directly, and a smile curl on his lips.

It wasn't until the after party, which was more of an exercise in taking 'all you can drink' to its absolute limits, that they actually spoke. They weren't even sitting close together at first in that izakaya, but as a few people left… Karma heard him then, though after a few drinks his accent was a little hard to make sense of in the English they'd adopted for convenience. He'd boasted, something about being able to drink everyone under the table.

'It's… a national speciality.'

Karma leant forward in his seat. 'Wanna bet?'

His gaze had been fixed, and the slight smirk on his lips highlighted his jawline. 'It's your funeral. If you keep up, maybe I'll toast at it.'

That night, Karma learnt that getting into drinking contests with Russians probably wasn't the greatest idea. On the other hand, alcohol also happens to make him loose lipped in more ways than one. Maybe Karma made some kind of thinly veiled offer to show him back to the dorms, since he was new to campus. It's not like Karma hadn't put up a fight with their competition, after all.

Five minutes later or there abouts, Sergei had his tongue in his mouth and a hand in his jeans. Of course Karma was more than willing to go along with it. He was even willing to leave it at that. Even admittedly intoxicated, Karma righted himself enough to leave soon after they were done, not even getting the guy's name at the time.

"Anyway," Karma snaps himself out of the memory, "it just happened. I'm not lying about it being a relationship. It never was."

Nagisa gives him that look again. "But did you want it to be?"

'God, if you want to see Nagisa so badly, get him to fuck you instead. See if I give a shit.'

'If you want to have a problem with it, then just admit it already. Do you want this or not?'

'Did you hit your head on something? Where the fuck did this come from? Seriously Karmachka, it's not like you to be so stupid. I'm sorry, I guess, if I made you think different.'

Nagisa clears his throat, presumably because Karma didn't actually answer him. "Was it exclusive?"

"I didn't have time for anything else." Not even to see you, he thinks.

"On both sides?"

No. It was hypocritical as they came, honestly. Karma still hates how he'd managed to ignore it at the time. It's something he still hasn't forgiven himself for.

"The other people you hooked up with… did they ever mean something to you?"

That brings Karma back to reality once again. "What's that even supposed to mean?"

"Well-"

"Yeah," Karma feels his blood boil, though he suspects it's not all directed at Nagisa himself. "I didn't care about everyone. So what? People just have sex sometimes. It's not like it always has to be some huge romantic drama."

Nagisa jumps to his feet too. "You don't think I know that?"

Reality crashes down on him again. It's the cruellest reminder. This is what happens… when he lets hid guard down. Nagisa destroyed him… and now he's leaving him for dead. He should have known better, should have stopped himself from falling so hard. Nagisa doesn't want him. This is just sex. That's all it ever has been for Nagisa. It's the same lesson he learnt young. The less you care, the less it hurts.

"I do," he somehow finds it in him to laugh. "Trust me."

"You cared about some people then," Nagisa keeps going. "So, uhm, I know this went on with, huh, Sergei? For a while. I know something happened."

"He went back to Russia," Karma dismisses. "I already told you that."

"And that didn't bother you at all?"

He doesn't want to think about this again.

"Nagisa."

Nagisa sits back on the sofa with a thud. "I just want to know what's wrong. Whatever happened. I know you don't have to tell me, but…"

"You won't stop obsessing until I do?"

"I'm not obsessing-"

"You don't always have to fix everyone."

"When was I trying to fix you?"

He finally exhales. Like a plaster. Rip it off and then Nagisa will stop bringing it up. "He was an asshole, okay? We were in the same class, but he acted like I didn't exist. And I get it, it wasn't the first time something like that happened. It's not like I was running over to chat to him either. But then a group of people wanted to hang out after class, and I guess we were both close enough to end up invited. He spent the entire time hitting on me, though, and one thing led to another… I think that's when he actually asked me for my name."

'What kind of name that?' He'd said. 'Hm, maybe I'll call you Karmachka instead.'

"Some things happened after that, like I showed him around a little, and helped with some class stuff since his Japanese kind of sucked."

Those memories aren't all bad. There's something fun about seeing your home through the eyes of a tourist. Besides, Sergei wasn't all looks, and was decent enough to hold a conversation with. Mostly in English, though Karma found something weirdly endearing about his broken Japanese attempts. Then their professor decided to grace them with group presentations, which he didn't end up hating as much as usual. It led to a few trysts in the library, anyway.

"We kept hanging out," He explains. "And yeah, it crossed the line a few times. But Sergei had his… friends, and I had mine… He didn't want to date, he made that clear, but sometimes it was like he expected those things. He used to get so jealous. And then mad if I made fun of him. I just pushed him too far one time. We argued about it for a while. He said I was dumb for thinking it could have ever been a thing, and I felt dumb. Anyway, I didn't really speak to him after that, and then he left."

He thinks it changed between them gradually. Karma started to feel things, started to kind of miss him. He thought maybe it was the same, given how annoyed Sergei got at the mention of Nagisa's name somehow. At the time Karma thought it was the stupidest hill to die on, at that point he hadn't even seen Nagisa in months.

'Well don't let me keep you here.'

Karma had felt guilty at least. He truly hadn't meant to say Nagisa's name. He was tired, and his mental capacity was slipping. Plus, Sergei had kept reacting to anything Nagisa related, the apprehension of even scrolling through his phone kept him at the forefront of Karma's mind, lest he text or something.

'I didn't mean it like that.'

'Then enlighten me on how you meant it.'

That turned into a fight. Though, Sergei was doing most of the talking right there. It was the early hours of the morning by the time Karma actually left, exhausted in more ways than one. Weirdly it felt like a hole had opened up inside his chest, and he didn't like it. Every time he saw Sergei after that seemed to make the ache worse. Not that Karma said anything to him, he sure as hell wasn't going to be the one to extend an apology first.

Well, he ultimately did, but he swallows down that memory hard before it materialises. It's exactly why he concluded; never again.

"Well?" He finally looks at Nagisa in the eye. "Are you happy now?"

Nagisa's lips thin, like he's actually considering an answer. Instead of verbalising it though, he stands up, walks over to him like he's determined, and hugs him. Huh.

"What are you doing?"

Somehow that just makes Nagisa squeeze him tighter. "Has anyone ever just hugged you?"

"Were they meant to?"

Nagisa hesitates. "I don't know. It's not like anyone's hugged me like this either."

Well, he can change that, can't he? He finally returns the hug, wrapping his own arms around Nagisa's form. For just a moment, Karma lets himself retreat. He lets Nagisa hold him so tightly, like he really cares. Karma's not blinded entirely by his own feelings. This isn't the same. Nagisa is still his closest friend after all. Always.

Unfortunately, they don't get to resolve the conversation fully since they're interrupted by a call from one of Nagisa's students, and romance is probably at the back of both their minds. Even though everything ultimately turns out alright, having his hands covered in some dude's blood after giving him some shoddy CPR is a bit of a mood killer.

Later on though, it seems Nagisa's own reservations are gone. Mainly, at least. Karma almost forgets the entire reason he brought this whole role reversal thing up was the hope it would knock some kind of sense into him. Like this tightness in his chest would hurry up and disappear already.

Having Nagisa inside him is even worse than the other way around. If he thought he was broken before… This is it for him. He doesn't even care that his movements are awkward, even a little uncomfortable at moments. He doesn't care because it's Nagisa, and it's euphoric. It's so good he almost ends up crying. Emotionally, that is. And that's embarrassing to even admit to himself.

There's a small part of him that revels in Nagisa being the only one to touch him like this. He's not really sure what possessed him, though he'd been a little curious about what it would feel like without a latex barrier. There's also a part of him that finds a thrill in Nagisa's overwhelmed expressions as he tries to hold it together.

Admittedly, he's also a fast learner, and even if he swallows down every aspect of his feelings, it's still far from the worst Karma's ever had. Until something apparently comes over Nagisa and he shifts his position, hauling himself up onto his knees. Karma would have been a bit proud of him, if he wasn't suddenly seeing stars.

"Harder," he demands, and Nagisa delivers. It's been too long since Karma felt this. Now he remembers why he likes it so much.

He almost wants to complain when Nagisa moves again, when it was feeling so good, but the way Nagisa sucks his neck does something to him. When, somehow, Nagisa grinds right up against his prostate, Karma's done for. Which is ridiculous, because he'd already reached that conclusion, but apparently he's coming to it again.

"There," he ends up demanding, constricting himself. "There. Don't you dare move." It's a threat. He knows it is.

Thankfully, Nagisa's obedient, and there he is carving fire through Karma's body. It's too much, nearly. Karma can't even jerk himself off anymore, hands falling limp. Somehow, he thinks the stimulation of Nagisa's stomach will be more than enough. He lets everything drop then, overwhelmed by how unbelievably good it feels.

The way Nagisa looks at him is just… it's too much for his mortal body to take. Karma can't help but think nobody's looked at him like that before. It's hardly even lustful, maybe tender if anything. And that's exactly enough to send him into one of the most intense orgasms he's ever felt, it's almost like a kind of whiplash. He doesn't even care that he came first.

Karma can't let him go afterwards either, grabbing onto him like he's a lifeboat when Nagisa attempts to slip out of bed. He can't stand the thought of being separated. Not when he knows now that the way Nagisa moves inside him is the rightest he's ever felt.

So much for a reality check. So much for normal sexual experience. Karma's never felt so good in his life. And he's too blissed out by it to care. It's like he just knows… this is where Nagisa's supposed to be. With him. Holding him. Essentially, all Karma's proven to himself is that this, them… It's like nothing else.

The feeling doesn't fade away in the morning. Waking up to Nagisa's face is much better than the bare wall. It's like he can't get enough of him. He doesn't want him to leave ever. Despite better judgement, he even kind of wants a repeat performance. If it's always going to be like that, Karma's somehow even more of an addict. He's fucked… but somehow it's in the best possible way.

That is, until Nagisa looks visibly uncomfortable, the air hanging thick around him.

"Are you okay?" Karma asks. Nagisa gets in his own head sometimes. As long as he just reassures him.

Nagisa lets out a shaky exhale. "We should probably end this."

Everything shatters.

"What?"

"I don't think there's anything else you can teach me."

Karma doesn't understand. Who said anything about teaching? "Teach you?"

There's a coldness in Nagisa's eyes, a shiny quality that only really comes out when he's about to kill someone. "That's the point of this, right? My health classes were over months ago anyway, but I think I've learnt everything I need to by now. T-thanks to you, I have a really good understanding of everything. B-besides, I can't take up any more of your time."

Nothing Nagisa says surprises him. It's the exact thing Karma's been reciting to himself over and over. Nagisa didn't sign up for anything more than what Karma offered. That was teaching him how to have sex. He's pretty sure he's accomplished that. Just because he's narrated it internally, doesn't mean he wants to hear a word of it, though.

So he clings to the part he can deny. "You're worried about my time."

Nagisa hesitates. "Partially. We both know we can't just do this forever."

A part of Karma wants to scream, why not? Even though he knows whatever they have isn't exactly a friends with benefits thing. Partially that's his own fault. Lessons always come with an eventual graduation date. Well- doesn't he get to decide when that is, then?!

"Oh, so you're an expert now, huh?"

He looks down. "I didn't say that."

Because Karma knows that's not what he meant. And the reality of it all starts to really hit him. But he can't do it. He doesn't know what he'll even do with himself if another person turns their back on him. Especially Nagisa… Nagisa who happens to be the only person Karma's even let get so deep. The last shred of his rationale is aware that it's an immature reaction, but he can't let this be out of his control.

"Go, then."

Nagisa's eyes go wide. "B-"

"Am I forcing you to be here?"

"No, but-"

Anger is a lot easier than despair. "Then leave? If that's how you want things to be, then that's how they are. You want to end it? Then it's done. Why are you still standing here?" This only works if he doesn't have to see Nagisa's hopeless expression. He can't be here and listen to Nagisa try and let him down gently. "Well?"

Nagisa flinches at the raise in volume. "I- It doesn't feel right to just leave it like this!"

He'd almost rather he just left a note or something. "You're the one who started it."

"I didn't mean it like I just leave and we pretend like this never happened. We… I think we need to talk about it."

There's no way in hell. "Funny. I can't think of anything I want to talk to you about."

Nagisa finally looks him in the eye. "Y-you don't mean that."

Maybe Karma wants to pick a fight at this point. "No? Then what do I mean?"

"I'm not trying to hurt you."

And he's going to convince himself that it doesn't. "You said it, right? This is all for your health classes, that aren't even happening anymore. Why would that hurt me?"

"T-that's all this ever was," Nagisa whispers.

It should have made him feel better. The truth is meant to be something solid he can rely on. False promises and declarations get on Karma's nerves more than anything else. At least with the truth, everyone knows where they stand. Nobody has to pretend. But to hear the admission from Nagisa's own mouth… He'd rather get beaten in the liver.

"You've made that clear. Glad to know we're on the same page then." A lie. "So, what's the matter? There's not much of a difference in our lives, if we stop hooking up for no reason." Except the part where he'll feel the lack of Nagisa like a void.

Nagisa's silent for a moment. "It felt like more than hooking up."

It's enough to shatter the illusion Karma just constructed for himself. Somehow, it makes him even more angry. So Nagisa felt it too? Or maybe he sensed it from Karma. He's well beyond the realm of self control, as it is. So which is it then? Is Nagisa accusing him of coming on too strong? He wouldn't even be wrong.

"Maybe quit it with the mixed messages. You just told me two completely different things."

"You told me, you said that's all you ever do. So it can't be more than that." Nagisa shakes his head. "I-I need to be with someone who does want more."

I need to be with someone who isn't you. So Karma got it wrong. Nagisa wants to really be with someone. The kicker is just… someone else. A small part of him still wants to just offer, but he can't. And isn't that just pathetic? He'd rather push Nagisa away from him then admit the scariest thing of all, that maybe he doesn't know how to exist without him. Option one is easier. It's so much more tolerable if there's a reason to hate him.

"Oh, so that's what you want, huh?" Someone else. Maybe at first he was supportive of the idea, but now the briefest thought of it makes him want to drive a fist into the wall. "I get it now, thanks for clearing that up. Can't be fooling around with me when you need your skills for someone else, right?"

"That's not what I meant."

Is this what Nagisa meant by not wanting to hurt him?

"I heard you loud and clear, though. Do it then. You think I care who you sleep with?" He does. The image makes him want to scream. "As you say, I was only helping you out, right? Then fine. In fact, tell me all about it! Maybe I'll even cheer you on."

"Stop it." Nagisa shakes.

"I'm just repeating what you said you wanted."

"You're not even listening to me!"

"I don't need to."

Right then, Karma feels it. Bloodlust. It seeps out of Nagisa where he stands, and Karma knows this has gone too far already. Is this what he wanted? Because all of a sudden he's twelve years old again, and Nagisa's innocent façade is shattering right before his eyes. It terrified him back then, and it still does now. Idiot, he'd thought back then, this is why you shouldn't trust people. The more openings you leave… the more likely you get suffocated in your sleep. Karma had even managed to freak himself out, how much he craved beating this thing out of Nagisa. And now here it is, laid bare before him.

"Then what do you want?!" Nagisa yells at him truly, a rarity. It feels unnatural. "How am I meant to know, Karma? You're the one who keeps saying time and time again. You don't do relationships. I get it. But don't get mad at me when I try to do things the way you want."

It's enough that Karma lets a bit of himself fall out. "When did I ever say this is what I want?!"

Nagisa still looks furious. "I don't know, because you don't tell me."

"Like you tell me anything either!"

"I tell you plenty!"

Does he really? "I don't even know your original family name. It's impossible to even guess what you're thinking half the time."

The chill of fear fades. "Like you're any better."

Karma doesn't even know what to think anymore. He gave Nagisa an out. Practically begged him to take it. Why is he still even here? He starts to process exactly what Nagisa said, and it twists something in his stomach. It feels hypocritical in a way. Maybe because it takes one to know one. But he can't help but feel Nagisa wants to push him away all the same, wants something else to blame this on. Karma's not the one who even brought this up. He's not the one determined to end things.

"I think you're mistaken. According to you, you know more than enough about how I think."

Nagisa has the nerve to look desperate. "Then be honest with me!"

"I have been!"

Karma regrets saying it, because he knows it's not true. He can barely even be honest with himself it seems. Nagisa wants him to tell him what he wants. Well, Karma's not sure he even knows that. Nagisa was clear, wasn't he? He wants a squared romance… or something closer to it. How can Karma even keep going with this conversation when he's not even sure he can truly promise that. He could say the words maybe, but even he couldn't go so far as to wholeheartedly mean it.

He wonders if it would make things simpler. Maybe he could just say something, try and describe this emotion in some kind of a way that'll convince Nagisa to stay here with him. He can't put what he feels for Nagisa into words though. And worse still, he's pretty sure Nagisa would turn away at this point no matter what. He's terrified of it… maybe because it's the reality he's in. He's not enough. He can't offer Nagisa what he wants the most. What he deserves.

And like that, Nagisa gets tired of waiting. "I guess that's it."

"Leave, then," Karma demands.

"I am."

He does. It almost feels like falling into a trance, and he's only knocked out of it at the sound of his front door slamming. Karma's entirely alone. He can't even move for a moment or two, half expecting Nagisa's ghost to pop out at him. But there's nothing. Only the faint white noise of the fridge's hum in the background.

Of course he gets tired of standing eventually, though he's glued to that spot, simply sinking down to the floor. Is he even breathing? He's not sure. It's like he can't feel a thing, buried under this mountain of sand that leaves him numb from head to toe.

How long has he been here? It's been a while maybe, when it occurs to him to check, the light is already fading away. Maybe he'll stay here all night. Where else would he even go? Where else even is there? No, he can't move a muscle, because that would mean facing this new reality. The next step he takes is a step into an existence without Nagisa. And now he knows exactly what he's missing. What he'll never get back.

Admittedly, a part of Karma had kind of figured Nagisa might kill him eventually. He just hadn't counted on him doing it by breaking his heart.