Wrong Kind of Hero

Chapter 9: Wedding Bell Blues

Authorial note: Wow. 100 reviews. I am deeply flattered. I feel this calls for a celebratory butterbeer. Lily and Severus feel it calls for a celebratory snog. Well, whatever makes you happy, kids. ;-)

It was a lazy summer afternoon, and the Marauders plus Lily and Peter's new girlfriend were having a picnic in celebration of having survived the Hogwarts experience.

"So, what are you going to do now, boys?" Peter's girlfriend (a sweet, busty blonde witch named Victoria) had asked, and she was met by various shouts of:
"Save the world!"

"Become a professional Quidditch player!"

"Work at Zonko's!"
"Knit socks for a living!"

"Become a researcher, or an editor for magical textbooks, probably."

"Join the Order of the Phoenix."

"What?"

"Well, there's a war on, you know, and I think Dumbledore's right. I think we can help."

"How very noble of you."

"Well, yeah, I like to think so."

"Just don't get blown to smithereens, alright, Pads?"

"No worries, James, if I do, you're coming with me. I've signed us both up."

"Have you! I'd been meaning to, myself, going to all the meetings and such…"

"Boys, I'm not sure we should be talking about this in a public place," Remus added in his quiet way, and everyone sobered and looked around guiltily.

"So," Peter said, to break the silence, "where'd you hide the Map, James?"

"IN A PLACE WHERE ONLY THE WORTHY WILL FIND IT," James intoned solemnly. The others exchanged knowing looks.

"You put it behind that rather lewd portrait of the busty witch we found in second year that swings open to reveal that secret passageway to the kitchens if you compliment her on her dress and ask her nicely, didn't you?"

"I MIGHT HAVE."

"Thought so."

"LIKE I SAID, ONLY THE WORTHY WILL FIND IT."

"Right. Anyone up for a game of catch?"

"I AM."

"Oi, Prongs?"

"YES, PETER?"

"Knock it off, will you? You sound like a right idiot."

"SORRY. Er, I mean, sorry, Pete." The two women in the group (and the non-athletic boy) watched them go and shook their heads, all minds with the same thought:

"Are you happy, Lil?"

"What?" Lily looked startled, then guilty, then defensive. "Of course I am, Remus, why do you ask?"

"You don't have to lie to me, Lily. You've kept my secret, and I've been keeping yours." She looked questioningly at him. He lowered his voice so that Victoria, who was cheering on Peter despite him getting his rump kicked, wouldn't hear them. "I haven't mentioned to James that you're still in love with Snape," he elaborated.

"I am not," she began, but knew it was useless. Remus saw right through her. She sighed.

"Okay, you win. If you'll continue keeping my secrets, here's one more. There's going to be a child." Remus's eyes widened in understanding. "James and I… the understanding is that we'll get married quickly, before I start to show too much. A big wedding, with tons of friends and family, very romantic and spontaneous. So you see why it's useless to love Sev now." Remus was silent for a long moment, thinking about the problem and turning it this way and that in his quick mind.

"Love is never useless," he said eventually, "even if it's not appropriate or right." He smiled wanly at her. "I should know that above all people." Lily nodded, acknowledging the truth in this. His eyes grew distant and dreamy, thinking about Sirius. "It's one of the greatest gifts we are given in this life." Lily couldn't help herself. She emitted a quiet "Awww…"

"Er, sorry. That was incredibly schmoopy and naff, wasn't it?" He blushed and looked away, off to the park where James and Sirius were batting a Quaffle back and forth in a game of monkey-in-the-middle. Guess who was the monkey. Sirius looked up and waved at Remus, grinning, and the Quaffle smacked him in the side of the head. He went down like a sack of wet sheets, goofy grin still on his face. Lily and Remus watched as Sirius turned back to his mate and pounced on him, giving him a ferocious noogie for his pains. Peter took this opportunity to turn his back on manliness and run into Victoria's arms. They saw James's flailing limbs and heard his yelps of protest:

"Bugger! You sodding berk, let go of me- OW!" Lupin sighed, shaking his head, and turned back to Lily.

"He's your fiancé."

"Being attacked by your boyfriend." Remus held his hands open and shrugged. "What was I saying?"

"Love is really groovy?" Lily hazarded.

"Oh. Right. I think before you can start a life with James, you need to make your peace with Severus. Or you'll let one word ruin you both." Lily looked pensive as the two boys came bounding back to their respective partners, still shoving each other and butting heads.

"That was so not on, mate."

"You hit me! With a Quaffle! In the head!" James turned to Lily, about to open his mouth, and she pressed two fingers gently against his lips.

"I know what you're thinking, James, and no. Quaffle is a terrible name for a child." Sirius looked momentarily confused. Remus distracted him by throwing a stick and shouting,

"Fetch, boy!" Sirius' dog instincts came to life and he brought back the stick before he could shout, "Unfair!" He chucked the stick at Remus, who merely chuckled and offered him a piece of chocolate.

"Is it time yet?" James whispered to Lily. Lily nodded.

"I imagine it is."

"At last!" He gave her a smacking kiss on the mouth, then bounded to his feet, seized her by the hand and pulled her up beside him.

"Friends, nobles, countrymen, lend me your ears! But not really, because that'd be gross and then I'd have to put them back on you. Anyway. I have an announcement to make! The lovely Lily Evans has agreed, Merlin only knows why, to marry me this very summer! For life is short and love conquers all and if we do it now we know all of you will come and eat us out of house and home. Which we don't have. Yet. But there will be cake!" He looked anxiously at her. "How did I do? Did that come out alright?" She squeezed his waist fondly.

"That was just fine."

"Well, lads, say something. Don't just leave a man hanging here. Say you'll come." The stunned Marauders mobilized themselves.

"Oh, yes, of course we'll come! I'll be the best man, you prat." Sirius punched James lovingly in the gut. "I am the best man, right?"

"Wouldn't have anyone else," James said, grinning.

"We're trying to convince Remus to be my maid of honor, since my sister Petunia won't come," Lily confided to Victoria. "He's being difficult."

"Not true," he protested, "I just don't think I'd look very good in lilac chiffon."

"I do," Sirius said. "I think he looks good in anything." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively, and Lily rolled her eyes good-naturedly at him.

"I love you all very much."

"Even me?" James piped up.

"Especially you," she replied. It wasn't a lie. She had grown to love him, in the way one loved one's close friends. She loved him like she loved Remus. It was all a question of semantics. He hadn't said 'are you madly in love with me'. He'd said 'do you love me'. She could say yes with a clear conscience.

"But if you'll excuse me," Lily murmured to her friends, making her getaway, "I've just remembered I have a letter to write." Remus winked at her as she brushed the grass of her skirt and stood up, and Sirius pointed at him.

"You winked!"

"I did no such thing. I had something in my eye."

"Fine." He paused, sulking. Remus scratched his head. "Ooh, ooh, right there, right behind the ears. That's nice."

"I think I'll go help Lily write her letter," James said, also standing up.

"If that's anything like the 'help' Sirius gives me when I'm trying to study, you'd better not. I'm still cleaning slobber out of my ears."

"Too much information, Moony, but I'll keep that in mind."

She sent the owl on its way with a bit of parchment, only three words hastily written on it before James came loping in, hoping it would ease the tightness in her chest and the loneliness she felt even when she was with friends. I miss you, it said, and it winged its way to the house at Spinner's End where a dark-eyed young man was lying curled into himself on his bed, staring at the walls. He opened it apathetically; he was sure it was some summons from Lucius or Mulciber for a Deatheater meeting. He read it, and then read it again, then a third time. He took a breath for what felt like the first time in months. Something unlocked itself inside him, and the hateful dark thing that had been clawing its way into his heart scrabbled and slipped, seeking a foothold that was no longer there. He added the word too onto the end of it and told the owl to find Lily Evans. He hoped it was real. Then he realized he had hope again. That must be a good sign. The next time it returned it had only one word and a number on it, a secret location known only to the two of them and the time he was to meet her there. He sent it back once more with trembling fingers:
It wasn't until she was with him again that she realized how monochrome her life had been without him. It was as if a haze of depression and a fog of apathy had lifted off her, allowing her to breathe at last. If she was being honest with herself, she just felt more alive when she was near him. He brought out the best and worst in her, and she lived for those extremes of feeling. She was making leaves swirl around her and butterflies land in her hair, just like she had in this exact forest spot the day he'd told her magic was real.

"I missed you, you stubborn arse," she said by way of greeting, hugging her knees and decidedly not looking at him.

"Thank you."

"For? Calling you a stubborn arse?"

"For giving me a second chance," he said, sitting down.

"That's still up for debate. I heard you turned Deatheater." He shook his head.

"It's not like that." Lily was generally a trusting person. She wouldn't check his arm to make sure, and he was grateful for that even as he worried about it.

"What's it like, then?" It was a real question, not hostile. She really wanted to believe in him again, trust him again. She was asking for him to give her a reason.

"I'm going to keep you safe." She looked at him then, and then her eyes widened.

"What happened to your nose? It's all…" she made vague distressing hand motions. "Crooked," she finished lamely.

"Gift from your new boyfriend," he said, shrugging it off. She clapped a hand to her mouth.

"I'm so sorry, Sev, I had no idea he did that! I'll knee him in the nuts!"

"Don't bother." She looked hurt again. "I'm sorry, Lily," he found himself saying. Why was it that she was the only person in his life who mattered, and she was the only one he ever needed to apologize to? "I didn't mean it that way. It's fine. Really."

"Okay," she said, sounding skeptical but polite enough not to press further.

"Can you ever forgive me?"

"Yeah, I guess," she said heavily, running a hand through her hair. "Just stop doing stupid stuff, okay?"

"Sure. But the same goes for you too," he said, bolder than he should be, certain he was angering her but unable to stop all the same.

"What have I done lately that's so stupid?" Besides getting pregnant with Potter's child.

"Oh, I don't know. How about going out with Potter just to spite me?"

"I didn't do it just to spite you," she said, so softly he could barely hear her. "I was spiting myself too. I didn't want to be the girl I was with you anymore. I didn't want to be myself if being me meant loving that hard and hurting that much. I wanted to be what he thought I was: golden and untouchable and incapable of succumbing to lower emotions like jealousy and loneliness." She looked up at him then, challenging. "Going to lecture me, Sev? Tell me I was wrong to seek comfort where comfort was freely given? You wouldn't dare."

"I wasn't going to lecture you, Lil. I made a right mess of things. I just wish it could be simple again. I wish we could start over."

"Yeah? From which point?" He gave a short bark of laughter.

"The point where you still loved me, weren't dating Potter, and I hadn't royally fucked up would be nice."

"No, you know what? This isn't even about James. This is about you and your decision to involve yourself in the Dark Arts, in something I detest and loathe so damn much. It's corrupting you. It's making you a different person. Can't you see that?"

He wondered if telling someone he did something before he did it, but fully intended to, still counted as the truth.

"Lily, it's really not what it looks like. I'm not a – I'm not what you think I am."

"Then why are you a member of a secret organization that kills Muggleborns and causes havoc and terror wherever they go?"

"Remember that Muggle movie you tried to get me to watch, the one with James Blonde in it?"

"James Bond," Lily corrected automatically. "World's greatest spy. You didn't understand it. What of it?"

He shrugged. "I think I like it better now, that's all." Her brow furrowed, and then she gasped.

"Oh!" She didn't say anything else, but she scooted a little closer to him. He edged closer to her in turn and placed his hand on top of hers. When she didn't pull away, he took it as a good sign.

"Let's not ever do this again," she said. "I'm a wreck without you." She leaned closer and put her head on his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around her, more tentative than ever, just grateful that she wasn't breaking contact.

"Me too," he said.

"Don't ever leave me like that, Sev." He started to protest that he wasn't the one who'd left, but it didn't really matter who was at fault.

"I won't."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Pinky swear?" It was a childish Muggle gesture she'd picked up and refused to stop, claiming that there was never a more solemn or unbreakable oath than a pinky swear, and that the consequences of breaking such an oath were grave indeed. She linked pinkies with him. Snape sighed and gritted out the words, though he could not help lacing them with sarcasm.

"I pinky swear." Lily instantly relaxed, relief flooding her features. Evidently that was good enough for her.

"I should go," she said reluctantly, "James is waiting…"

"Will I see you again?" He tried to make the question casual, tried to make it sound like he didn't care even though it was the most important thing in the world.

"Definitely," she said. "I still have so much to tell you. Same time next week?"

What about same time tomorrow, he wanted to say, but he bit back the pathetic response.

"Sure. You can write me, you know. I assume you still remember how?" She smiled at him.

"I really, really missed you, Sev. I'm so glad we're friends again." He nodded so hard he felt like one of those fat-headed wobbly dolls she'd showed him on the inside of her Muggle vehicle after she'd got her license to drive.

"Yes," he said thickly. "Yes."