Wrong Kind of Hero
Chapter 15: A Heart Divided
It had been a highly eventful night for many couples, the eve of James and Lily's wedding.
James Potter and friends went out for a stag night, more aptly named for him than most, first in human form to a review of lovely scantily-clad witches (which, quite honestly, only James enjoyed, Padfoot and Moony being of a different persuasion and Peter having eyes for no one but his own girlfriend), and then as their animagi for one last night of havoc and mayhem before responsibility set in. Remus went home early, since his animal form was not, in fact, within his control. He therefore missed all the excitement that followed when Peter almost got stepped on and buggered off with an indignant squeak; Padfoot, looking on his forepaw for a watch that wasn't there, barked the canine equivalent of 'oh, is that the time?', turned tail and loped off. James spent the rest of the evening in a local pub belting out karaoke renditions of "When I'm Sixty-Four" and "Lovely Rita" from Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, much to the consternation of the other patrons and bartender.
After several rounds of competitive Scrabble, an accusation of cheating led to a pillow fight which, in its turn, led to snuggling amidst falling feathers. In this state, Peter Pettigrew timidly asked his girlfriend Victoria if she'd ever entertained the possibility of marrying him some day. She gave him a thoughtful smile, called him a sweet boy and said she'd consider it. Peter reddened happily and conceded that 'Quetzalcoatl', while a proper name and technically therefore illegal, was impressive enough to count on the scoreboard.
Remus Lupin and Sirius Black spent the night involved in their own celebration of their engagement of sorts, something which involved quite a bit of Honeydukes 65 cocoa and scantily clad disco (the former for chocoholic Remus, the latter for Sirius and his evil machinations on the poor boy).
Severus Snape spent the evening and morning in bed. With Lily Potter. After she left, he continued to lie there for quite some time, basking in the lingering smell of Lily and the imprint of her head on his pillow. He resolved never to wash his sheets again.
The next evening, back with proper groom in hand, Lily dimmed the lights (so he wouldn't see the markings on her body from her previous night's activities), lay back and thought, not of England, but of Severus Snape. A small blissful smile lit her features, and with her eyes firmly shut, she recalled the man who'd given her those lasting red momentos on her pale skin; a shudder went through her as, laying dutifully beneath her new husband, she remembered nails raking down her back and the gasps and moans she did not have to muffle or feel shame for, as she muffled them now. She bit her lip for fear of shouting another man's name mid-coitus, so she made no noises at all. And when James rolled to his side of the bed and promptly fell asleep, she wrapped her arms around herself and recalled Sev's protective embrace. Already she missed him, and already she wondered when and how she could see him again. How had she lived without knowing him like this all these years? Would he still want her when her belly began to swell with James's child? Would the reminder be too painful? Would he try to pretend last night had never happened at all? Lily was not that strong. Lily wanted to remember her wedding night as it had been, with the man she loved, instead of the one she married. She hoped Severus would consent to meet her again, and to write her in the meantime, though it was not safe to do so. She hoped the war would not claim him, as it was claiming so many others around her. She prayed for his continued safety in the most dangerous of positions.
Part of her wanted to reach out to this, the man snoring beside her, and start a life with him as best she could, forget the past as much as it was within her power to do so. It would not be fair to James to do otherwise. Yet the larger part of her heart by far cried out that it would not be fair to herself to deny her love for Severus. She knew she should let him go for his own sake, if not for hers. She should let him find a woman who could love him with her whole heart, as Lily could not; she should release him to find happiness. But she knew he wouldn't go. That, too, would be settling for second-best, and Sev was unwilling to do so. Besides, he swore an oath to her to always stay by her side, and he was a man of his word. As he'd so aptly demonstrated last night, she thought wickedly.
Well, that was it, really, Snape thought, finally deigning to get out of bed and forage for breakfast. James Potter would not be allowed to keep her. It was just that simple. Lily was his now, she'd admitted as much last night. Of course, there was that whole sticky matter of her pregnancy and the imminent danger from Riddle's obsession with that December-child prophecy… he must remember to ask Lily sometime when her child was due to be born. He had a suspicion, but the mere thought of Lily in danger sent icy terror into his bloodstream, and he'd lacked the courage to ask the night before, as they were attending to more… personal concerns. The Longbottoms had one on the way, he'd heard that somewhere. He hoped they had an excellent hideout and a trustworthy Secret-Keeper, if the prophecy was true.
The summer passed slowly. Severus entrenched himself deep within the heart of the Deatheater camp for two months to discover as much as he could about Riddle's plans, and Lily set up house with James and worried, unable to contact him with no way of knowing if he was alright. James himself was coming home later and later every night, sometimes with wounds she'd have to heal, and sometimes with the stench of alcohol on his breath. Some nights he didn't come home at all, perhaps sensing her agitation. She wondered if there was another woman. He'd always been a charmer in his school days, and she knew they were mostly marrying for propriety. Did he have another lover? Was he in the same predicament as her? She supposed she couldn't blame him, really. They weren't even twenty, and that was far too young to settle down with someone you didn't love.
When Snape returned to the Order of the Phoenix meetings in September with highly confidential information about Deatheater strikes, suspicions of Voldemort's paranoia about immortality and a key prophecy regarding children not yet born, Lily couldn't take her eyes off him. She barely listened while the 'matter of some urgency and delicacy', her pregnancy and that of the Longbottoms, were discussed. She paid no attention when James spoke up and confirmed their child was due in December, and she nodded agreeably when Dumbledore proposed a motion to move them both to undisclosed locations with the help of a Secret Keeper each. Sev was back, alive and unharmed, thank the gods, and she was shaking, she'd missed him so much. She discreetly requested to speak to him further after the meeting for more information on his intelligence regarding her child, and when he inclined his head yes, she drew him down a corridor in the house at Grimmauld Place, pulled him into a darkened room and flung her arms around him.
"You're alright, you're back," she said, feverishly touching his face and his body to make sure nothing was missing.
"I'm fine," he assured her, "as ugly and lanky as ever. Really, Lily, look at me. I'm fine. It's you we should be worrying about now, you and your baby."
"You can't know how afraid I was something had happened to you," she said, hugging him to her as she shook with relief.
"Oh, I imagine I can," he said wryly. "I had no way of knowing you were alright either," he reminded her.
"I missed you," she said, and drew his head down to her lips for a kiss. She started to lead him toward an old four-poster bed when he halted.
"Lily this is wrong."
"The Deatheater is lecturing me on morals, now?"
"We can't continue like this."
"You're absolutely right. We have far too many clothes on."
"You're married to another man, and much as I loathe him, I will not cuckold him this way."
"Why not? He does it to me." Snape's eyes flashed dangerously.
"Then I'll have him killed," he said simply. Lily thought she should probably look alarmed now, but she was pretty sure he was joking, and besides, she was in his arms again and what did a little homicide matter? "I am a possessive bastard." Sev's eyes darkened, and in this light they almost did look black. "I hate sharing you with him."
"Mm," she agreed.
"I could make it look like an accident," he mused. "Many poisons are undetectable when mixed properly."
"Severus," she said warningly. Then she was kissing that spot on his neck.
"Lily, so help me, if you don't stop doing that, I will not be held responsible for my actions-"
"So don't be." Now she was nipping at his lower lip and Merlin, it was hard to think. But this was important.
"It's not that simple." She gave him one of her devastating looks. Those looks made strong men tremble, and weak men like him just didn't stand a chance. Best to give up now, he thought. Save what's left of your dignity.
"Isn't it?"
"No," he gasped. "I have to hurt your husband first."
"Kiss me now, hurt James later. How does that sound?"
"Not here," he said. "They'll hear."
"Oh, fine." She blew out a sigh and stopped trying to unbutton his robes. They Disapparated.
AN: due to the timeline I'm using, Lily's child would be born in the winter, not summer, so I'm adjusting the prophecy accordingly. First bit of AU. More to come.