Note: This has been re-edited as of 3/27/2009. Most notably, some timeline changes.
GRAVITATION
by Yih
"Love—is anterior to Life—
Posterior—to Death—
Initial of Creation, and
The Exponent of Earth—"
- Emily Dickinson
6. Wanderlust
Paris 1789
Bella POV
It was another day of upheaval as the peasants demonstrated in the streets against the absolute monarchy. I watched Alistair as he sank his teeth into an elderly old man that we had stumbled across who had been trampled by the crowd and was nearly dead. I still did not approve of the taking of a human life, but I could not argue against Alistair when he was shortening a miserable existence.
Alistair lifted his head and his crimson eyes stared straight into me. "Isabella," he said, "you need to feed."
I had not fed in days because we were currently trapped in the city because of the uproar that was going on everywhere. We could not leave without looking suspicious, especially when we were wealthy enough to be considered in danger of having the peasants turn on us as they had to the aristocracy. I supposed our saving grace was the fact we were foreigners, but we were English – the sworn enemy of the French. Yet because we were unnatural creatures, the humans instinctively knew to avoid us at all cost if they could. Our blessing was their salvation.
"I am fine," I stated, even though my hunger was making every human in my vicinity smell like heaven. My mouth was filling with venom and yet somehow I managed to stay away from them.
"You are trembling," Alistair said sharply, moving toward me, bringing the man closer. "I am willing to humor yours and Carlisle's desire to avoid drinking human blood, though I do not fully understand your persistence in the matter. To me it is a natural part of being a vampire and you and him are simply denying your true nature. While I will not force you to feed, consider this… if you do not feed and you starve yourself to the point where your control breaks, Isabella, then think of what will happen.
"You may not be of newborn strength any longer, but that does not mean it would be easy for me to stop you when you have hit a ravenous peak. This man, as you fully know, was dead before I got to him. He would have linger, suffering from his injuries and maladies, for who knows how long before passing on. You will be doing him a favor."
I was certain my eyes were black with the temptation so near to me. I struggled to control myself, to hold myself back. I heard his words. They were not without truth. I was dangerously close to losing control. I did not want to drink this man's blood, though. I did not want to break the fast I had held since I first was changed.
If Carlisle, who when changed had no idea who he was, managed to resist such enticement – how I could I fail when I knew already how to refrain?
"It is our nature," Alistair murmured.
The words were an additional enticement when I realized the man was within the reach of my hands. I shuddered as I grasped him by the arms and pulled him against me. I could smell how his life was rushing toward the embrace of death. I felt a small twinge of guilt as I bent my head instinctively as if he were a pig or a deer and sunk my sharp teeth into his jugular vein and drank in long, slow pulls. I savored this sweet delicacy I had never before tasted and I could understand a little why Alistair did not comprehend how me and Carlisle could forsake such nectar.
I drained the man to a dry husk of his former self and gently set him down on the ground. I had taken someone's life blood and yet not his life. He would have died today, tomorrow, or some day in the near future. I was remorseful for his death, although it did not sting my heart as much as I thought it would. His face, withered and pale, would forever be embedded in my memories as my first blood.
Would he end up haunting me?
"I am not as moral as you or Carlisle," Alistair said, bending down to rearrange the man's body into a more plausible posture of someone that had died of natural causes. "I do not believe in denying myself. Perhaps that makes me, how shall I say this… an evil monster?
"I know better than most how I am entrapped by my own warring desire to feed and to kill, but also to not let the monster rule me from inside and out. If I could have my way, I would be strong enough to resist, but I am weak and craven.
"I am also fallible," he stated. "If I were not, then you would not be standing here as a vampire. You would be safe and alive. Many times I have asked myself why I gave in to the sweet temptation? Why did I succumb? You are my singer. Your blood calls to me and I could resist partaking in it, and yet when I saw your innocent eyes, I could not take your life.
"I know I am not a good monster, like Carlisle, but am I so evil? I target individuals close to death's door. I do not steal their life per say, I merely hasten the procession. I am no worse than most and somewhat better than average. Is that such a sin, Isabella?"
I had always wondered why he had changed me instead of killing me. Was the reason so simple as that I was his singer? I had never heard of such a thing, but I had no reason to doubt Alistair. He had always been truthful to me, even when I did not want to accept it. I should be relieved. The explanation was not the fearful epiphany that I thought it would be, but still I doubted. Was that the entire story?
My one clear memory of my past was me staring at him, him staring at me, and I must have captivated him then as he had me. Was it really just the call of my blood? It must be, why would he lie?
"Carlisle will not judge you," Alistair said in warm, comforting tone.
I looked up at him, my Creator, thinking I was lucky to have him. He had taken care of me from day one and had never left me alone. If he had to leave, he always made sure I had someone – Carlisle. I suddenly yearned for the way it had been twenty years ago, when he, Carlisle, and I had traveled together shortly as a odd family. With Alistair's dark hair resembling my own, we passed for siblings and Carlisle was a cousin from our mother's side. It had been so fun and so carefree, especially since I had gained control over my bloodlust.
I wished for those days again, but it was hard to live as a family when it was much easier to fade into the background and not live in establishment. It was difficult for Alistair when his blood red eyes were so distinctive and different than the topaz Carlisle and I shared. And at the same time, it's not like Alistair could hide in the background and allow Carlisle and I to live as a pseudo-family – not when my dark hair and Carlisle's fair color were in direct contrast.
I wondered if anyone truly believed Carlisle was the cousin we claimed him as. The only similarity was our pale, pale skin. Truly it was fortunate that such fair colored skin was prized. It made it easier to pass ourselves off as wealthy never-do-well's. Neither Alistair and I worked, and though Carlisle did work as a doctor I am sure he was not paid often. Carlisle's heart was that of charity.
I did not let money matters concern me. I am sure that it was Alistair that provided most of the extravagance that we chose to live in when we had entered Society. Now, we were just wandering without a direction, living from inn to inn. It was different than the lifestyle we kept in England.
I was getting to know a different kind of Alistair on the road. He was not so stiff and refined now and I thought it a good change for him. I also felt closer to him, which could just be left to circumstance since Carlisle was not there to steal some of my attention away. All I had was Alistair.
"A pence for your thought?" Alistair asked, holding up said coin.
I smiled at him. "My mind does wander a lot, does it not?"
"You wander within you and I must drag us through all of Europe," Alistair remarked. "I think we are a matched pair."
I had not encountered any vampires before journeying with Alistair for the last two years. I had run into a few and the ones that did travel with others – especially if they were a man and a women – they were always mated. Was that a possible reason he had created me?
"How are you feeling?" he inquired.
I understood what he was asking. "Not as guilty as I thought," I admitted honestly. "I do not think I will partake often."
Alistair nodded. "I do not know how I had the fortune to meet two truly good people," he murmured. "I must be somehow blessed."
"The only one truly good is Carlisle."
"No," he said, shaking his head. "You underestimate your heart and compassion. You may think it was wrong to drink this man's blood, but if you had not your control would have broken and you would have drank from an innocent. This man was gone before we got here and we likely eased his suffering. I do not think you would want anyone to linger in pain, would you?"
Our mutually crimson eyes met. "No," I said, remembering the pain of burning.
Alistair held out his hand to me. "Shall we go and brave the crowds?"
To be continued…
A/N: I think this chapter was important to write because I had yet to write much Alistair/Bella interaction despite the fact he is her Creator and an extremely important person in her life. I also needed to write that Bella has indeed drunk from human blood. As well as it is for Carlisle and Rosalie to have never tasted human blood, I think resisting after once tasting the forbidden fruit is also powerful in its own way. And at the same time, I do not think Bella would have done so without absolutely needing to.
Thanks for those that reviewed the last chapter. I won't be updating for a few days because I'm going on roadtrip for Spring Break. But please, please keep reviewing. I have 70+ story alerts and 250+ hits, I know you're reading but I'd love to know what you're thinking! (Also my other story I'm currently writing is totally winning the muse battle with this story because I feel guilty not writing when they review so earnestly!)
Released: 3/7/2009