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GRAVITATION
by Yih
"Love—is anterior to Life—
Posterior—to Death—
Initial of Creation, and
The Exponent of Earth—"
- Emily Dickinson
10. Secrets
Volterra 1816
Bella POV
"And one hundred," Alistair said and smiled at me from the mirror before setting the ornate sterling silver brush on the table. "You have beautiful hair," he commented, running his hand gently through my silky hair.
This was such an intimate act, him brushing my hair in my bedroom, but for the fact that Carlisle was also in my room, sitting on my bed and watching the two of us with a fond smile on his face. We were a family and we spent time together. What was wrong with that?
"He is right, you know," Carlisle murmured. "You do have lovely hair."
I flushed at the compliment and stared at myself in the mirror. Vague memories of what I had looked like before flashed through my head. I had not been much to look at then, not anything like what I had become. I was pretty, being a vampire had changed my sickly pallor into one of pale beauty and it suited me. My dark hair, which had clashed horribly with my former sallow complexion now provided the perfect contrast.
"We have been here almost a year," Alistair remarked.
I recognized the restlessness in his voice. Alistair was a wanderer, he needed to roam and I had only ever seen him satisfied being anywhere for a long time at his estate in England and even then – he didn't stay for more than a year, unless he had to as he had for me when I was first created. We had certainly been in Volterra for quite a while. I didn't remember staying this long at any place for a very long time.
"Are you thinking of leaving?" Carlisle asked casually.
"We have been here for a while."
"Leaving will not be easy," he replied.
"No," Alistair agreed.
They both looked at me, I could see their eyes on me from the mirror that reflected their worried expressions. I did not undertand. Why were they concerned? The road from Florence to Volterra had not been any more difficult than any other. I did not enjoy traveling by coach, but it had not been as bad as some roads that Alistair and I had been forced to take in our travels.
"I do not like this," Alistair stated.
Instead of responding, Carlisle shifted his attention to me. "Do you like it here, Isabella?" he asked. "Do you like living in Volterra?"
"It is pleasant," I answered carefully, watching Alistair out of the corner of my eye for I knew that he did not like it here.
It was too restrictive for him and while the diet suited him well enough, he was uncomfortable with so many powerful vampires around him. He did not feel safe here and truly I did not think he ever would.
I, on the otherhand, I found it refreshing to stay and to get to know other vampires aside from Alistair and Carlisle. They would always be the most important to me, but the others here interested me and I would not mind getting to know some of them better. And the books, the books, they were marvelous. They had everything I could think to read here and I could not devour enough of them even with my vampire alacrity.
I wished Alistair was more comfortable here. I would not mind staying here for a little while longer. I did not think Carlisle would mind either. There was enough for us to learn and to discover within these books to last for many years. Unfortunately, Alistair did not find much excitement within texts. His sense of adventure was to roam around, to explore the world. It was not such a bad thing. If not for him, I would never have ventured outside of the city of my birth.
"You did not answer the question," Carlisle said. "Do you like it here?"
My eyes flickered to Alistair, knowing that if I answered honestly he would be displeased. I did not want him to feel that way. It was not like I was choosing this place over him. It was just nice to be able to stay somewhere and not worry about hiding myself from humans.
I could be a vampire freely, without thinking of not being who I was.
"Do you like it?" Alistair asked tersely.
I bit my lip and stared at him from the mirror. His face was tense and I wavered.
"Do you?" he asked again.
I nodded slowly. "I like it here."
"I thought as much," Alistair murmured.
"But you do not," I said softly.
"I do not," he admitted.
"I will go with you," I said. "Anywhere you go, I will follow."
Alistair looked at me intently, his eyes holding an emotion I could not identify quick enough as he abruptly averted his gaze. "You do not have to," he said.
"I want—"
"You can stay here with Carlisle," he said. "I will journey south of here, perhaps go to Sicily for a bit and then I will return. It will give you some more time here, a couple of more months and when I come back, then we will leave here together. How does that sound?"
I was stunned. He had never left me, not for a day, not for a week, not for months. I stared at him petrified, terrified. He was the only constant in my life and he was leaving? I trembled with uncertainty.
"I will return," he promised.
"You better," I said.
Alistair turned around and looked at Carlisle. "Take good care of her."
"Of course," Carlisle responded. "You know I will."
"Thank you."
Carlisle nodded, standing up and walking to the door. "Come find me in the library before you leave," he said before he left the two of us alone.
The door closed with a heavy thud and Alistair and I gazed at each other from the mirror. The situation was tense, too tense. I was uncomfortable and it suddenly flashed through my head the thoughts I have occasionally had of us. It was strange how we traveled together not as mates. Is that what I was to him? A love interest?
It had been years and he had done nothing to indicate that he saw me as anything more than a fellow companion. He would have done something, would he not if he were interested in me in that way? Alistair was not a very patient person.
I looked at him, wondering of my own feelings. Could I see him as my mate? He was Creator. He was Alistair. He was the closest person to me and I did love him dearly, but I was not in love with him. I would know, would I not? I have read scores of books, searching for the answer of what was love and from what I had gleaned – my feelings for Alistair were difficult to place but it was clear enough to define as not romantically inclined.
It was odd, what we had. What were we?
The real question, though, was why had he changed me?
He flicked his fingers near my ear and a pence appeared. Alistair held it out to me and I opened my hand. He dropped the pence and asked, "Will you tell me what you are thinking?"
I swallowed hard. This was embarassing, but I had wondered for so long. I had told myself at first I had not wanted to know. I did not want to know if it meant anything to him. I was afraid of his answer. Now – I needed to know.
"Why did you change me?" I asked and turned around to face him. "Why?"
He lifted up his hand and brushed his fingers against my cheek. "I was wondering when you would ask me."
"Carlisle told me he had asked you and you would not answer him," I responded. "I did not think you would tell me if I asked if you would not tell him."
"You were wrong there."
I stared into his dark eyes, trying to read the emotion in their depths. "Why then?"
"You reminded me of someone."
"Who?"
Alistair brushed back some hair that was next to my face. "You do not look all that much like her, but your eyes are very much alike. You both have warm and innocent eyes. She was so naïve like you were. You still are in many ways."
He sighed, looking away. "I never should have changed you. If only your scent had not drawn me to you, if only you had not been my singer, if only… but your eyes… If it were not for your eyes, I do not think I would have had the willpower to draw back, to stop from draining you dry. You have her eyes."
"Who?" I asked again. "Whose eyes?"
He gazed back at me. "My sister's."
"Your sister's?"
"Yes," he said before dropping his gaze down to the ground. "She was young when she died, a little younger than you actually. She was my favorite person. I loved her more than anyone else. I was devastated when she died and… so alone."
"Is that—" I began hesitantly before I stopped, unsure if I should ask if that was why he liked wandering, if that was why he never liked staying in one place.
"Go on," he said.
I moistened my chapped lips. "Is that why you wander, because you feel alone?"
He shook his head, a thoughtful expression on his face. "Would you like to know the reason?"
I nodded shyly. "If you do not mind…"
"My sister wanted to travel all around the world."
"And she did not get the chance," I murmured.
Alistair nodded.
"And I remind you of her."
"Yes," he admitted.
"And you are showing me the world."
"Exactly."
I was stunned. He traveled because of me, because I reminded him of his sister and now I was going to stay in Volterra while he traveled alone by himself. I was horrible. I could not let him do that, not without me, not when I could go with him.
"When you leave," I declared, "I'm going with you."
"Isabella?"
I met his gaze.
"You should stay."
"But—"
"You will stay here until I return," he stated firmly, "and when I do, I will show you even more of the world." A faraway look appeared in his eyes. "We will go east, to Asia." He smiled, it was lopsided and more carefree than I had ever seen it. "I have never been there," he remarked. "It will be an adventure for both of us."
"Alistair?"
"Yes?"
I wanted to ask him if I was merely a substitute for his sister, if that was all I was to him, but what if the answer was something I did not want to hear? I was scared that he would deny that I was a replacement for his sister and yet see the lie in his eyes. Alistair was terrible at falsehoods. I did not lie well and I was better than him. He was far too transparent.
"Be careful," I said. "Don't do anything reckless."
He chuckled. "You should follow your own advice."
It didn't matter the reason, not really, what mattered was I knew he cared for me one way or another.
To be continued…
A/N: This was another necessary chapter and I hope you understand Alistair a little better now. It's a bit easy to form his character when there is much left to the imagination. I hope my characterizations as a whole have pleased you. The next few chapters should be interesting.
Thank you for reviewing and keep up the great feedback, I really do appreciate it.
Released: 4/4/2009