I knew I was being used.
The moment Kenny McCormick turned up soaked to the skin and panting on my doorstep, his blonde bangs dripping making that weird noise when the droplets hit the welcome mat. He had looked so angry and sad and needy, he looked broken. Everything looked wrong. Of course I pulled him into a tight hug as he stood on my doorstep at half 11 at night even though he was soaking wet, his sodden parka pressed against my stomach where my tank top rode up. I really didn't care.
I knew I was being used as a few moments into our embrace he tucked me under the chin so I was looking up at him, I knew it was happening but I did nothing to stop it as I reached and closed the door to the howling wind and driving sleet. I knew he was going to kiss me before my lids fluttered shut my head leant to one side, I knew he would make me feel better, make me feel whole at least for a little while. My forearms stung, I was glad because I knew that he couldn't see the red marks in the darkness of the hallway. Rebecca had left the house ahead of Kenny by around 2 minutes; mom had a late shift at Hell's Pass so I was left alone with my dearest sister, who had taken two vodka bottles up to her room as mom had left 2 hours ago, the glare she left me with as her hunched shadow disappeared upstairs had stung me. A warning of what was to come.
He kicked off his boots and ditched his parka on the polished wood floor, his gloves joining them a moment later. His arms were warm, he was warm. My hands were buried in his sandy hair, savouring everything. His touch, his smell, the warmth, his feel, his sound, I would need to remember everything later. Kenny didn't say a word as I came up for air; my eyes were glazed and unfocused.
"Kenny?" I whimpered more than asked, he shushed me in a whisper cupping my cheek. I knew this was going to hurt when he didn't even make an effort to smile, he just looked depressed as he stared down at me, it made me feel like pushing him away. I knew he didn't want me, no; Kenny McCormick didn't want me at all, I knew who he wanted I knew very well who he wanted. Everyone knew. None of us could compare to this person, one thing none of us lot had. We weren't guys, we weren't Kyle Broflovski.
I was an escape, I last resort, an easy leg over when Kenny felt like it. I pretended I was fine with it, it made my head and heart hurt but it felt so good I couldn't deny myself the guilty pleasure of having him pressed against me every time he beckoned. I knew I should feel cheap and used, but it always left me with the amazing glow that he had chosen me. Out of all the girls who pined and swooned at him, Kenny always came to me; Bebe Stevens hated me for it. I knew that everyone knew that he didn't want me at all. I didn't care.
I had nothing to lose and neither did he, I felt him and he felt me. I knew there was no 'we' in this, no discussion, no strings attached as he moved me slowly further down the hall wall I was pressed to, toward the door to the living room, I could hear the wind howling as it blew down the chimney, the sleet lashed the window pane roughly as a drop of water landed on my lips, undoubtedly from Kenny's hair. Kenny claimed back the rain water as he pressed his lips to mine once again, some moments so sweet, so romantic… I knew this was a lie, but it was a damn fucking good lie, lies taste nice on your tongue because you know you've tricked someone into believing your bullshit. The truth doesn't taste so good.
We edged around the door frame, the fire crackled in the grate as he pushed me back onto the sofa, the leather greeting my back with cold plushness. Kenny's hands roamed above the hem of my tank top, my mind was clouded as I felt his lukewarm hands rub my hip bones. I pulled away suddenly, our shallow breathing blended with the blood pumping in my ears, he looked at me questioningly. One eyebrow raised in an ever adorable expression.
"What did K-Kyle do this time?" I stuttered on Broflovski's name halfway through as Kenny's lips had brushed my neck, his head snapped up. Once again he dived back in to make out with me instead of replying. I didn't push it; I couldn't push it with Kenny. His big blue eyes, I remember the first time I saw them when I was standing at the bus stop and he'd put his arm around me. Those were happy days, even if Becca had a thing about giving me cigarette burns back then. Now I saw them, they were darker and the rings around them even more prominent in the shadow of the rainclouds. Sleet had turned to a thundering shower of cold rain; it hardly ever rained in South Park, more than likely it would flood because of the rain and melting snow. If it rained long enough that is.
Kenny's hands were everywhere as I went under. I knew from the start this was where things were headed as he kissed the world away; we lost everything and had only each other for barely 10 minutes, it felt like an eternity. I know more than most that life isn't like a Fairytale, because true love is fucking non existent. He left and I felt on top of the world. For all of 5 minutes.
The key turned in the lock as I sprinted up the stairs, the dark silhouette in the small window of the front door reminded me. The things your parents read to you from them bright, colourful books when you were a kid prepared you for life like an umbrella would in a tsunami. I knew. And because when it rains, it fucking pours.