Chapter 7 - Panic
Author's Note: Anakin has a panic attack. Multiple panic attacks. All in all, he is having a Very Bad day. :')
~ Amina Gila
It's not until Anakin reaches the gunship in the Temple hangar where both Rex and Ahsoka are that he starts feeling a tiny bit less... spacy.
They both, predictably, instantly know something is wrong. Ahsoka moves to him first when the doors shut and the ship lifts off, her hands on his arms, and he almost wants to pull away because he doesn't want her to pick up whatever in the galaxy is wrong with him. "Master, what's wrong?" she asks, looking up at him.
"I don't know what's wrong with me," he says finally, shaking his head. He doesn't feel like this unless he's in battle, which he's not.
"What do you mean?" Ahsoka asks, frowning.
"I don't know." He feels exhausted now, like something is sapping out all his energy but he doesn't want to sit down because he's... it doesn't feel safe.
"What happened?" Rex asks, and his voice feels like it's filtering in from too far away. How in the galaxy is he supposed to fight a battle when he can't even stay present? How does he know he's not going to get everyone killed? How does he...
"Focus on me," Ahsoka asks, shaking him. "You're panicking."
Panicking? That actually sounds about right. Sounds familiar. "Yeah," he rasps.
"We're going to help Master Secura somewhere. Did you hear that, at least?"
"No?" He doesn't remember hearing, or maybe he does but he's just too tired to think about it. Too tired and too scared. "Something is..."
"I know, I know," Ahsoka answers, and now that he thinks about it, she sounds the slightest bit freaked out, too. "I've gone through this before sometimes, too."
Rex is standing near him, too, now, and Anakin appreciates that, though it makes him feel pathetic for being so... weak.
And he needs to stop hating himself, but that's all he's good at, right?
"Okay," Ahsoka says, looking back at him – he hadn't even noticed she looked away. "Sit down." He doesn't, the words taking too long to register. She makes an annoyed sound and shoves him down – it works fast enough, he thinks, though he hasn't sat down fast in a very long time. Ahsoka herself kneels in front of him. She lowers her left arm to shove the end of her skirt under her knees when she hits the floor – something about that move jars as wrong in his mind, though he can't quite remember why right now. Rex moves forwards, shifting his helmet to his left arm and kneeling on Anakin's other side.
Air is coming in short and shallow, and it feels like he can't breathe, and that's reminding him of when he died and of... the second-last time he fought Obi-Wan. It's reminding him of when he was incapable of moving and – and everything.
"Hey." Ahsoka sounds scared. Is he scaring her? It wouldn't be the first time. "Can I touch you?"
He thinks he would like that, maybe, but he can't get out an answer. Something is wrong with him, somethingiswrongwithhim –
Ahsoka unexpectedly moves forwards, climbing into his lap. She's lighter than he remembered, but she's warm and present and it's... nice to have it. He wraps his arms around her instinctively, holding her body against him. It's been so, so long. He's missed this.
Rex moves closer, laying his hand on Anakin's shoulder. It's unusual for them to touch each other, at least for Rex to initiate it, but Anakin is still grateful for it. Rex's presence is always calm and soothing and grounding. He's something of an immovable rock that's soft and smooth and –
"Master?" Ahsoka asks softly. Or maybe he's just hearing it from far away.
"I'm here, Ahsoka." Why does he so badly wish he wasn't?
"What happened?" she inquires.
Vaguely, he can remember the answer to that. "I talked to my master. I mean – Sidious."
"What?" Rex sounds confused – Anakin never did tell him about the future, did he?
He hears Ahsoka's voice, talking in the background and explaining a bit of something, and Rex doesn't seem happy about that, though their talking is something to focus on. Something to pay attention to, other than his own thoughts. "Anakin," Ahsoka's voice filters in again, "Can you hear me or are you ignoring me?"
He makes an annoyed sound, too tired to speak. Why is he so tired?
"Well," she says, "I changed my clothes." Anakin pulls back, and he registers for the first time that yes, she did. She's dressed in blue instead, and her dress reminds him, vaguely, of what she was wearing when she was going to Mandalore – that's why he didn't realize it long ago. That and how he was so caught up panicking. How pathetic.
"You didn't have to," he tells her. It's touching that she did it, but it makes him feel bad anyway, because he'd never want someone to change themselves for him. Never.
"It was bothering you," she replies sheepishly, "And I think I like blue more anyway."
He's feeling less... scared now, more exhausted, totally worn to the point that he almost doesn't even care he's on the floor of a gunship, and what does that say about how messed up he is? He's a general.
But Ahsoka is here, and something about that makes him feel safe enough that he dozes off eventually, only to jolt back to himself what feels like a few minutes later, still exhausted, to Rex shaking them both awake, telling them that they've reached their cruiser. Ahsoka looks kind of like she was crying, and that instantly makes another stab of guilt shoot through him. If he was able to reduce his too-good-for-the-world padawan to tears already, what does that say about him?
He gathers himself together, anyway, forcibly, and heads to the briefing room to assess the situation. He can worry about sleeping later. On a date where he doesn't need to watch his back and where he isn't under pressure to save someone's life.
This is his first mission as a Jedi, and he finds he doesn't much want it. The war, the chaos, the... everything. The way it ties him down to an Order he no longer believes in most of all – the Jedi are good, but... they've fallen. They're no longer what they used to be. What they should be.
Not as though he's one to talk.
The trip to Aayla's position is long, but by the time they arrive, the situation has already drastically deteriorated. What else did they expect? It's war. And Anakin is quite accustomed to following after people, cleaning up their messes.
They board her cruiser on gunships, and Anakin jumps out immediately, ignoring how the sudden temperature fluctuations are throwing him off. He really doesn't like it – it's just too cold, now too hot. Ahsoka is out after him, her green lightsaber already ignited.
This feels... different, and he doesn't like being back here. He can sense death, and it reminds him too much of Vader. He can't let any of them die when he has the power to save them, and that's what he's afraid of – that fierce desperation to help everyone.
It's what took him apart before.
How is he supposed to handle it then, when that's all he wants to do?
Anakin wraps himself in the Light, letting himself feel it all – the every shift in the emotions of those around him, everywhere on the cruiser. He can sense Ahsoka's fierce determination as she runs, Rex and the boys' sharpness and warmth and determination and the way they fear how many will be lost this time.
The cruiser is damaged enough that there are fires in the halls, and Anakin tries to ignore the familiar fear he feels when he sees it. It'll never stop reminding him of Mustafar.
They're already approaching Aayla's position, and it won't take much longer to get there, though Anakin doesn't know how many clones elsewhere on the cruiser will make it off. It's not fair. They shouldn't have to die in this war – no one should.
Maybe he can't save everyone, maybe he can't stop it, but when he has the power to try, he's not going to turn down the chance.
He's moving on automatic, lightsaber slashing through droid after droid, the scent of burned metal filling the air. That, too, reminds him of the Death Star, though he lets it go as quickly as it comes and keeps moving. They're practically running as they make their way towards Aayla.
"Nice entrance, Skywalker," Aayla calls as she finally comes into view, cutting through droids herself. It's strange to be fighting alongside another Jedi – other than Ahsoka, anyway – again. "How do you plan to get us out of this mess?"
"I have a ship docked in the lower hangar. You must evacuate immediately," he replies. Their ship is already hopelessly overrun with droids. They don't have a chance of saving it.
Aayla nods, giving the command to her own men, and they take off again for the waiting shuttle, slashing through droids as they go.
They're approaching their escape ship when Anakin feels the explosions ripping closer and closer to them. People are dying, and he can feel it burning under his skin, can hear their screams in the Force and as they blink out of existence in a moment. Frantic, he delves into the Force, letting himself feel the way the flames roll across the ship, He feels it close, but he can feel the places where the explosions are, and he catches it, wraps his mind around it, stifling it. It's not like the fire on Mapuzo – this is an explosion, one furled on by tons of fuel the cruiser contains and a chain reaction that's rolling through the entire thing, but he refuses to let it push past him.
Wrapping his mind around an area so great is straining, but he can feel it all and now – right now he needs to do it, and he will.
It feels like it's straining and ripping his mind in half, and he can feel something hot and warm on his face but he doesn't – can't – stop. The fire burns against him, but he holds it, and shoves it back and rips its life out. He can feel it sparking and smoldering, but it bought them time, and when he pulls back to himself, everyone is staring at him. The boys are awed, stunned. Aayla and Ahsoka too, though they're more worried than anything else.
"Skyguy?" Ahsoka queries softly, stepping towards him. She looks worried, and he doesn't understand it until he realizes how lightheaded and almost dizzy he feels. It's the same thing that happened when he first came here.
He tries to step forwards, but he feels shaky, like he can't stand, though he forces himself onwards, pausing only to wipe his now-bleeding nose on his sleeve – he'll never understand why using the Force so deeply causes that of all things.
Except, the droids are still approaching them, and Anakin turns around, drawing his lightsaber again.
He is not exactly ready for this, but he's still out-of-it enough that he feels nothing, no emotions at all. They're still moving towards the ship, but maybe not fast enough, or maybe it's just that Anakin is too slow. He can feel the Force, feel the danger, the energy, but his arms aren't quite what he remembers them as when he's not consciously thinking about it, and maybe... that's now it happened. He didn't deflect a bolt quite far enough, quite fast enough, and he feels it burning across his left arm. The pain of it is searing, blinding, burning, and Anakin stumbles, gasping.
Normally, it wouldn't be enough to faze him, but this is different. Mustafar is always in the back of his mind, and it is again now, making him feel unbalanced, unsteady, and darkness is blurring at the edges of his vision. It's sort of black and fuzzy at the edges, and a million stars are dancing in front of his vision, and he stumbles back. Anakin doesn't know how he ended up falling to his knees, gasping, but now he is, and he can only think of how this is just like... it smells like burning flesh, and he loathes that smell more than the fire of a thousand suns; he hasn't had to deal with it since Mustafar either since his mask always filtered it out.
He can't breathe at all but they're still in danger and everything hurts, so he does the only thing he can think of doing right now – he lashes out, crumpling the droids attacking them with a flick of his wrist, realizing only a moment too late that that was the Dark Side he shouldn't have done that what is he doing?!
And he remembers the burning, and he's feeling it again, it's like he's back there again, and he doesn't want to be. He doesn't want this. Rex pulls him to his feet, and Anakin is fairly certain he nearly throws them both off balance, but they sprint to the shuttle before Anakin collapses again. The flames are starting up again, flickering at the end of the hall even if it's not coming towards them, but he can feel the heat and it – it –
"Anakin," Ahsoka calls, shaking his shoulder. He knows she's close more because he can recognize her touch, and she sounds close than that he can see her – he couldn't see anything even if he tried.
"General." That's Rex now. He can't...
He can't break out of that, and it feels like he's trapped there even if he's not.
"Is he alright?" Aayla asks. Even she's worried about him. Why is she worried about him? He betrayed the Jedi. He...
"No, no – I don't understand." Ahsoka sounds almost strangled, and he senses her move away.
"Sedate him," Aayla says, "And get him to the back. We need to go."
**w**
Two times now. It's happened twice, and Ahsoka doesn't even understand what it is. All she does know is that she's hardly been able to think through her panic, not as they take off from the cruiser or go through hyperspace or even as she makes the crash landing on the small planet after nearly going through a sun, thanks. It's not as though Anakin was injured seriously, so what happened?
Ahsoka has no idea what's causing this, and she feels stupid to slip into the tent he's resting in and just... cry, but she can't help it anymore. She doesn't understand what's causing this, and it scares her. She was never trained to deal with it.
Rex slips inside a few moments later with a quiet, "Hey, kid."
"I don't understand what's happening," she says miserably.
"None of us do," he replies, "This is all something new."
"Maybe he wasn't ready to go back out," she murmurs, not tearing her eyes off Anakin. He's resting, albeit restlessly, and she's worried about him.
"Ahsoka," Aayla calls from outside, "We need to get ready to go out. We need to find a way off this planet."
"I can't leave!" she protests. "He'll need me."
"As Jedi, we must do what's best for the group," she reminds.
"My master would never leave me behind if I needed him," she replies stubbornly. "I can stay here with him."
"Ahsoka –" she begins.
"She calmed him before," Rex interjects suddenly, "I do not believe anyone has the same effect on him as she does. I cannot say what triggered this... change."
"Alright," Aayla agrees reluctantly before disappearing.
"Are you staying?" Ahsoka inquires as Rex approaches.
"Sorry, kid," he replies apologetically, "I think General Secura will want me to accompany her."
Ahsoka doesn't know why that makes her feel even emptier. "Alright."
"We will be back before this time tomorrow, Commander," he assures, patting her shoulder. Ahsoka glances up at him, finally managing a small, strained smile.
"Thanks."
They leave after that, and Ahsoka goes to the tent doorway to watch, trying to ignore the exhaustion nagging at her. She's tired, but she has to do this. Anakin needs her to, until he finally wakes up. It's unusual for him to be out this long. The med droid must have seriously outdone it with those sedatives, though it was definitely easier than having to deal with him panicking again like last time.
She's losing track of how long she's sat here, staring into the night, wishing to hear their return. At least she can be here with Anakin, though. His presence is warm, and she lets herself curl into that, soaking it up. Bonding with him was difficult and overwhelming, but there is no other presence she would want to find more when she's as scared as she is now.
Even if now, she's worried for him.
This time-travel thing seems to have really messed him up.
It must have been hours of her sitting out here, just brooding, before the flame presence stirs behind her, flickering and brightening in the Force as if coming back to life. She doesn't move, just in case, because there are lifeforms lurking in the shadows.
She hears shuffling behind her, and Anakin finally slips outside, sitting down next to her. "It seems warmer here than I remembered," he says finally.
"You remember this?"
"Yes. You crashed here after nearly going through a star. I see that happened the same?"
"You didn't see it, did you?" she asks, just to make sure. It wasn't one of her best landings. Anakin could've done so much better.
"No. I was... injured before as well."
She doesn't know why she feels so... depressed. It's not something Ahsoka has ever had a problem with before, but she does now. It feels like she's missing something she'll never find, and she doesn't understand what's happening to her master. She'd been so happy to go on missions with him again after having spent a while with Master Plo, because Anakin was otherwise occupied, and she thought he'd talk to her, but he didn't, and then he showed up in the gunship like that.
Anakin wraps an arm around her shoulders, and she leans into him immediately, snuggling against him. "What happened?" she asks.
"I lost my arm. In the future. And... when I was injured, I... had an up-close encounter with a lavaflow."
Ahsoka looks up at him, wide-eyed. It was his left arm that was shot. Not his right. He lost both? "That's..."
"It was years ago," he assures, "Do not concern yourself with it. What you should know is that I... used the Dark Side again. When I was injured."
"It's alright," Ahsoka tries to reassure him, but it's not. "You saved us."
"The Force saved you," he replies, and they leave it at that.
**w**
Anakin isn't surprised when Aayla and the clones return the next morning to tell them they don't have a way off. He remembers this clearer now that he's reliving it. The villagers wouldn't have wanted to help if they didn't have to, and they don't this time, so instead, they just... wait, and go a closer distance to the village, knowing what's probably coming.
Anakin still feels totally worn, and it's grating on him. They're taking turns keeping watch, finding food, and resting, and Anakin doesn't miss how they're pointedly trying to move shifts around so Anakin can have more time to sleep. He doesn't want that. He also doesn't want to deal with the nightmares, though he concedes the point that he probably needs the sleep.
And he used the Dark Side again, which he swore never to do. He was supposed to let it go, but... what is wrong with him? Why can't he stop?
What he is surprised about is when Aayla is the one who comes over and asks if he's alright. He can't even try lying to that. Mutely, he shakes his head and hesitates before adding, "It is... not something I speak of."
"You are obviously unwell."
"The Council deemed me well enough to return to the fronts."
"But you are still... recovering," she replies, uncertainly.
He nods, because there's no point not to. It's obvious enough already. "I will be fine."
Aayla looks unconvinced – he doesn't deserve her concern after everything in the future – but she doesn't push the issue, leaving him alone. They're still waiting for someone to find them when Rex approaches, settling next to him. "Is everything alright, sir?" he asks.
Now he's worrying all of them. Why is he incapable of even handling this much? "I am."
"You seem... troubled," he says, a little hesitantly.
On second thought, of course, Rex would notice. He always used to. They were once... close. He was the one person Anakin had always been able to talk to, because he fit in with the clones so much than the Jedi, in many ways. He was always far more comfortable with them. He hasn't talked to anyone in many years, but... he trusts Rex. That's one thing that never changed. "I... used the Dark Side again," he replies, "In the future, I was lost to it. I was... never to do that again."
"That is what the Sith use?" he clarifies, and Anakin nods.
"I don't understand how this Force works, sir," Rex replies, "But you only used it to help us."
A quiet sigh escapes him. "That is – what I once thought in the future. And yet it led me to destroying everything."
Rex purses his lips, consideringly. "You used this Dark Side for years?"
"Yes."
"When you used it now, it was purely instinctual. After so many years, I imagine it would take time for that to change, especially in a – grave situation. If you are this concerned with using it too much, I don't think you need to be worried, General. One mistake can't... be that severe."
He hopes Rex is right. But he still was determined never to use it again, and he failed. Rex does have a point, though. Maybe.
Rex shifts. "I imagine speaking with another Jedi would be of more help –"
"No, it's alright. Thank you, Rex," Anakin assures. Maybe it... did help, even if he still can't trust himself not to start Falling again. Obi-Wan should still be able to handle it if something happened, though. (He wishes that thought didn't terrify him so much.)
It's right then that Anakin sees a Separatist flying on the horizon. They're here.
Rex stiffens, instantly zeroing in on it with his helmet. "We have incoming clunkers, sir. How could they know we're here?"
"They do not," Anakin replies, "They are after... something else. We must move in for a closer look."
They run to the same tree they did twenty years ago, climbing to a higher branch to watch as the Separatists set up camp. And watching them, gives him a sudden idea. Risking the villagers at all is completely unnecessary. They can take the fight straight to them.
In this, he knows the Force will guide him.
**w**
Sidious sensed the change from Anakin before, but he never expected him to be this Light. Something changed, and he can't fathom what. He was only growing steadily darker, especially after his mother's death. What could have changed?
Besides that, something appears to have affected him badly, for how he reacted when Sidious touched him. And it seemed like he was almost... afraid of him, and that doesn't make sense. He almost wonders if Anakin knows somehow who he is, but that doesn't explain how light the boy is now.
He needs to speak to Anakin again, to see if he can figure out what changed. There's been a major shift in the Force, too, and he needs to take action immediately to ensure his plans aren't in jeopardy.
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