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ACT I
PROLOGUE
Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents' strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which, but their children's end, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.
SCENE I. Verona. A public place.
Enter SAMPSON and GREGORY, of the house of Capulet, armed with swords and bucklers
SAMPSON
Gregory, o' my word, we'll not carry coals.
GREGORY
No, for then we should be colliers.
SAMPSON
I mean, an we be in choler, we'll draw.
GREGORY
Ay, while you live, draw your neck out o' the collar.
SAMPSON
I strike quickly, being moved.
GREGORY
But thou art not quickly moved to strike.
SAMPSON
A dog of the house of Montague moves me.
GREGORY
To move is to stir; and to be valiant is to stand:
therefore, if thou art moved, thou runn'st away.
SAMPSON
A dog of that house shall move me to stand: I will
take the wall of any man or maid of Montague's.
GREGORY
That shows thee a weak slave; for the weakest goes
to the wall.
SAMPSON
True; and therefore women, being the weaker vessels…
HEY! This is not true! Women are not weak!
This is sexist discrimination!
GREGORY (whispering)
Shh! Just read the lines, or we're gonna get in trouble!
SAMPSON (grumbling)
…are-ever-thrust-to-the wall-therefore-I-will-push
Montague's-men-from-the-wall-and-thrust-his-maids
to-the-wall.
GREGORY
The quarrel is between our masters and us their men.
SAMPSON
'Tis all one, I will show myself a tyrant: when I
have fought with the men, I will be cruel with the
maids, and cut off their heads?!
What kind of sick play is this?
GREGORY
…the heads of the maids?
SAMPSON
Stop reading that horrible play!
You know what?! I am not being part of this!
I refuse!
OFFSTAGE
Werk?
SAMPSON unconvincing grin
Ay, the heads of the maids, or their maidenheads;
take it in what sense thou wilt.
GREGORY
What sense? It makes no sen-
I mean they must take it in sense that feel it.
SAMPSON
Me they shall feel while I am able to stand: and
'tis known I am a pretty piece of flesh.
GREGORY
'Tis well thou art not fish; if thou hadst, thou
hadst been poor John. Draw thy tool!
Tool? What's that supposed to mean?
Here comes two of the house of the Montagues.
SAMPSON
I think it means the swords.
swords are drawn
My naked weapon is out: quarrel, I will back thee.
GREGORY
How! turn thy back and run?
SAMPSON
I-am-not-a-coward!
Fear me not.
GREGORY
No, marry; I fear thee!
SAMPSON
Let us take the law of our sides; let them begin.
GREGORY
I will frown as I pass by, and let them take it as
they list.
SAMPSON
Nay, as they dare. I will bite my thumb at them;
which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.
(bites thumb)
Ow! How is this supposed to humiliate the other side?
Enter ABRAHAM and BALTHASAR
ABRAHAM
Do you suck your thumb at us, sir?
BALTHASAR
Umm, Gary? The script says "bite."
ABRAHAM
Excuse me.
Do you bite you thumb at us, sir?
SAMPSON
I do bite my thumb, sir.
Ow! When does that stupid script
say when I can stop biting my thumb?
ABRAHAM
Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?
I just asked this question, is there a
typo on my script?
SAMPSON
Is the law of our side if I say ay?
GREGORY
No.
SAMPSON
No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I
bite my thumb, sir.
grumbling
This is so stupid.
GREGORY
Do you quarrel, sir?
ABRAHAM
Quarrel sir! no, sir.
SAMPSON
If you do, sir, I am for you: I serve as good a man as you.
ABRAHAM
No better.
SAMPSON
Well, sir.
GREGORY
Say 'better:' here comes one of my master's kinsmen.
Hey! I'm a ninja! A ninja serves no master!
SAMPSON kicks GREGORY in shins
Ow!
SAMPSON
Yes, better, sir.
ABRAHAM
You lie.
SAMPSON
Draw, if you be men. Gregory, remember thy swashing blow.
They fight
BALTHASAR
Argh! Max! Watch it!
GREGORY
I am remembering mine swashing blow! Take this!
Enter BENVOLIO
BENVOLIO
Part, fools!
Put up your swords; you know not what you do.
Beats down their swords
Enter TYBALT
TYBALT
What, um, art thou drawn among these heartless hinds?
Turn thee, Benvolio, and, erm, look upon thy death.
BENVOLIO
I do but keep the peace: put up thy sword,
Or manage it to part these men with me.
TYBALT
What, erm, drawn, and, uh, talk of peace! I hate the word,
As I hate, er, hell, all Montagues, a-and thee:
H-have at thee, um, coward!
They fight
Enter, several of both houses, who join the fray; then enter Citizens, with clubs
CITIZENS
Clubs, bills, and partisans! strike! beat them down!
Down with the Capulets! down with the Montagues!
much cursing from all parties
Enter CAPULET in his gown, and LADY CAPULET
CAPULET
What noise is this? Give me my long sword, ho!
LADY CAPULET
A crutch, a crutch! why call you for a sword?
CAPULET
My sword, I say! Old Montague is come,
And flourishes his blade in spite of me.
Enter MONTAGUE and LADY MONTAGUE
MONTAGUE
Thou villain Capulet,--Hold me not, let me go.
LADY MONTAGUE
Thou shalt not stir a foot to seek a foe.
MONTAGUE
You know what? Screw the sword!
Throws Pokéball
Salamence! Use Hyper Beam!
Explosion. Stage is lost to sight in smoke.
Curtain closes.
CrazyYanmega
Romeo & Juliet is currently facing some
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