My Third Daughter's First Date

by C. LeShay

After an innocent question thrown to him by Rukia, Isshin comes to realize that his third daughter has yet to experience the thrill of a first date. What’s a dutiful father got to do anyway?

3. Charm and Dating Lessons

Chapter 3 – Charm and Dating Etiquette Lessons From Kurosaki Isshin

Summary: "Rukia – chan… my precious, sweet Rukia – chan… would you honor my worthless existence by going out with me?"

"I'm sorry Kurosaki-kun, but I have to say no."

Fiction Rating: T for violence, potty mouth, and vague references to 'extra-curricular activities' that if written would cause the rating to jump from T to M.

Characters: Isshin, Yuzu, Karin, IchigoXRukia

Disclaimner: I checked my inbox. Unfortunately, no lawyers yet. Darn it, and I was so sure the notice would arrive today! I'm still penniless by the way, so don't sue me!

SPOILERS: A trivial (okay, not-so-trivial for me) thing about Rukia, her gigai, and her mod soul – Pyon and Ichigo's hollow side (how can you not know this?).

Lesson 1 : How to Accept a Date

"Now, Rukia-chan," said Isshin as he gave her a stern glare. "The first thing you have to learn is how you should accept a date."

The said shinigami was seated on an uncomfortable chair in the middle of the room. It was really surprising to see the head of the Kurosaki family looking so serious, that she was sure Ichigo would be having a coronary anytime soon. The sweet little Yuzu was standing beside him, looking like a smart and dutiful soldier that would make even her Byakuya nii-sama proud – or something like that. However, Karin and Ichigo were lounging a good distance from them. Karin was reading a manga while relaxing on the sofa. The young girl was not facing them, though she shot them a look every once in a while. Ichigo on the other hand, was busy looking out the window while yawning occasionally.

The weather was sunny and Rukia was beginning to feel that she was wasting her time indoors when she could go out and spend her day at the park reading mangas or eating ice cream. Maybe she could get Ichigo to hand her a soul candy dispenser so she can leave the house in shinigami form. Pyon would have a riot with Isshin Kurosaki and Yuzu.

Oh, the heavenly bliss of eating cold ice cream on a warm day! Perhaps she can even get Ichigo to take her to the mall where she can buy additional chappy-themed merchandise… Then again, the idiot boy needed extra training time. Heaven only knows how weak he became for allowing his hollow side to take control of his body whenever he fought.

"I really don't see the impor –

"Now, now Rukia-chan," Isshin reprimanded her "This is an important part of our lesson. We have to make sure that you know how to say yes or no to a guy."

"Old man, what's the point in teaching her this stuff if she'll say no anyway?" Ichigo said dryly. "I mean, not that anyone would ask her anyway."

What was the point indeed, thought Rukia. Even if she was curious about these things, she simply had no time on her hands. Shinigami duties were very taxing and time-consuming after all. She was about to nod her head in agreement when she realized the insult that was implied. Damn that Ichigo! "Why you bastard!" She snarled at the substitute, "You step here and I –

"Rukia-chan!" Came Isshin's reprimand. "Remember, a lady is always polite."

Resisting the urge to roll her eyes in exasperation, Rukia settled for clearing her throat before saying. "How terribly rude of you to suggest such a thing, Kurosaki-kun!" she said in a schoolgirl accent that was punctured with a thinly veiled layer of sorrow and humiliation. "I was hopeful that you were considerate enough of my plight and well-being," she sobbed, faking tears "but I was unfortunately mistaken! How utterly idiotic of me to think that you cared for my feelings!" In a huff, Rukia sighed dramatically before giving a well-practiced shudder and buried her face in her upturned palms.

"Rukia nee-chan!" cried Yuzu, with tears streaming down her face as she rushed to comfort the older girl. "Please stop crying, Ichin-nii didn't mean it." Quickly, she spun to face her brother "Right, Ichi-nii? Please, tell her to stop crying."

Suddenly, Isshin rushed to the life-sized poster of his wife "Wahhhh! Masaki! I have failed to raise our son into a gentleman that you could be proud of! I failed you my darling Masaki - he is a boor! An uncouth barbarian with no concern for others, especially women!"

Ichigo glared at Rukia who was soaking up all the attention like a sponge. The damn bitch was really being a consummate actress. Should she decide that being a shinigami was not worth anything anymore, Rukia should consider being an actress, or a thespian. Yes, the crazy woman was definitely Ophelia material. Scratch that, she would be a terrific lady Mcbeth, half parts crafty manipulator, half parts delusional mental patient. "What?" He half snarled as he saw Karin snicker nearby.

"Don't mind me, Ichi-nii."

"Alright then, Ichigo" his father said "I want you to ask Rukia-chan out on a date?"

"What?!" both Ichigo and Rukia grated out.

"Look here old man, there is no way in hell that I –

Wordlessly, Isshin handed his son a piece of paper. "How can you expect me to teach Rukia – chan if she doesn't hear an actual proposal?"

"Eh?"

"No need to be confused son," Isshin said dramatically "We would only borrow you to read the script." He then gave Ichigo a shrewd glace and a coy smile "Well, unless you really WANT to –

"Shut it!"

"What was that Ichigo? My, my, I didn't know you were as clueless about dating as our dear Rukia-chan,! Do you require your own training session?"

"I'm warning you. Shut the hell up!"

"Gladly. Now, stand here in front of Rukia-chan."

"And why the hell should I?!"

Yuzu shook her head, "Ichi-nii, Rukia nee-chan can't pretend with just empty air, right?"

Isshin sobbed as he hugged his youngest "Oh, poppa's glad that his little girl is smarter that his disrespectful and scruffy oldest spawn!" He then looked at Karin "And does my precious Karin want a hug to?"

"Take a step closer and you're dead." Drawled Karin as she continued reading her manga. "Get on with it, Ichi-nii. God forbid if we have to stay here the whole day."

Just to get this over and done with, Ichigo stood up and walked in front of Rukia. "Pay attention, you midget." He said, "This may be the first and last time you'll hear something like this."

Gritting her teeth in anger, Rukia was able to say in a sweet voice "Ohoho, Kurosaki strawberry – kun, loads of luck to you as well. I for one, know that you haven't had much success with the female population at school…"

Ichigo was about to retort when he spied his father and sisters looking at him eagerly. He then cleared his throat and looked at the paper, reading it quickly. "What the hell?" he shouted, face flaming red, "This is cheap stuff, old man. Just where the hell did you dredge this up anyway?"

Flashing a winning smile, Isshin held up his thumb in jubilation. "Where else? From 'My Girl…My Life…. My Love – In Paris: Forever,' of course!"

"You don't expect this to work, right? I mean, come on, this is lamer that a three-legged chicken!"

Tears suddenly filled Isshin's eyes "But that is stuff that legends are made of! Do you honestly think that someone who quotes Shakespeare would woo Rukia-chan? –

(Ichigo's eyebrow twitched in annoyance. Another direct insult to his favorite writer, then Ichigo will have to bash his father's head in. HE loves Shakespeare! Not that HE'd ask RUKIA anyway. Besides, the meaning of the words would be lost to someone like her who reads shojou manga 24/7. )

- I mean, I don't think anyone would quote Romeo and Juliet anyway. Besides, that one is just sad. Both of them died in the end. I don't want my precious third daughter to die!"

"Whatever." Then Ichigo again cleared his throat. "Rukiachanmyprecioussweetrukiachanwouldyouhonormyworthlessexistencebygoingoutwithme."

"Eh?" Rukia asked in confusion. "I am dreadfully sorry Kurosaki – kun, but I do not speak French."

"Ichigo! I didn't know you were into the spirit of things!" Isshin cried in joy and surprise. "I know that the story is set in Paris, but I didn't expect you to translate it… in French!"

Yuzu, after hearing it, looked at her brother happily "Wow, you actually studied another language." She said, oblivious to Karin who was now rolling on the floor as she tried to suppress her laughter.

Glaring at his father, Ichigo shouted, "It wasn't in French, you dumbass!"

"Oh, I see, you were studying Italian!"

"It was in Japanese, you foolish old man!"

His palms were already sweaty. Suddenly, he felt very thankful for small mercies like Rukia not expecting him to hold her hand. "Um… Well …"

This was actually mortifying for Ichigo. Hell, he had fought most of the powerful people in Soul Society; he even went to Hueco Mundo to fight Arrancars. But this… thing… was really one of the most difficult challenges he has ever faced in his life – to date.

"Yes, Kurosaki-kun? Is there something you wanted to say?" Rukia said, looking up at him curiously.

Oh please god, Ichigo prayed silently, look away. Look away for goodness' sake. Facing Rukia while saying this THING was definitely one of the lowest points of his life. This was certainly going to be his undoing, and there will be hell to pay. Rukia… she just sat there, looking at him. Somehow, someone parted the curtains, and her small form was now bathed in a muted glow of dull gold light from the sun. The said shinigami then peered even closer at him, that he could see her clearly.

It was like everything was in high-definition mode. He could see the raven silk strands that were her hair, and he was really close enough to see her eyes. They were so dark they were like the encompassing sky at midnight.

What the hell, did someone contaminate the drinking water or something? He was already waxing poetic here! Ichigo berated himself.

That man that hath a tongue, I say is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.

Yes, William was right. He had to mentally shake his head. Thinking about quotes from his favorite author's play was not helping, not at all.

Just say it, Ichigo. It's just Rukia, for cripes' sake!

Ichigo shifted to his other foot in hopes of reviving his by now sleeping leg. "Well… That is… Rukia – chan… my precious, sweet Rukia – chan… would you honor my worthless existence by going out with me?"

"I'm sorry Kurosaki-kun, but I have to say no."

"WHAT?"

Suddenly, Isshin was behind him "Perfect! It was an absolutely perfect reaction, Ichigo!"

Ichigo frowned at his father "I thought that you were teaching her how to ACCEPT dates?"

"Were you not listening? I'm teaching Rukia-chan how to accept AND turn down date proposals." Isshin smiled at Rukia before raising his thumb up to signify that she did well. "Remember Rukia-chan, never say yes immediately! Play hard to get!"

"Yes Kurosaki-dono," Rukia chimed, even though she had no idea as to why she ought to do that. "Er… why should I play hard to get again?"

Smiling brightly,Isshin struck a pose "So that boys won't think that you're overeager! Say no a few times before saying yes! That way, my lovely third daughter, you'll be sure that the man has no less than pure intentions."

As his youngest sister nodded in affirmation towards Rukia, Ichigo felt like hitting his head against a post. As usual, his father's logic was so skewered. It wasn't like that in the real world. Take Keigo for instance. No matter how many times Rukia would rebuff his proposals; his perverted intentions were always the same. Besides, not all men would take a 'no' sitting down. In fact, Ichigo was pretty sure that some would not hesitate to do anything stupid, seeing that Rukia was diminutive in size and stature. He even remembered this one incident at school where a guy once arrogantly boasted that he could easily get the 'cute and small' Kuchiki – san to go out with him on a date by just grabbing her narrow waist.

Everyone was later surprised to see the poor student requesting to be allowed to go home. While sporting a more than noticeable limp. At the teacher's inquiry, the said student claimed that he walked into a closed door and was thrown backwards down the stairwell.

No one questioned the fact that the door was far from any visible stairwell.

The only person who had suspicions was Tatsuki, who overheard the whole thing from a different vantage area.

"Oi, oyaji, don't go filling their heads with nonsense. There are guys out there that are absolute asswipes." Ichigo told his father.

"Ichi-nii!" Yuzu cried out in shock.

"Don't be fooled, Yuzu." He told his youngest sister. "Let's say midget – er – Rukia here does say no. What wou ld she do if the guy does this –

Suddenly, Ichigo grabbed Rukia by the arm and hauled her closer. As Rukia lost her balance, Ichigo immediately used the opportunity to hold her hands behind her with his right hand and press her whole body against him, while grabbing her by the waist possessively with his left. "Well then? Are you sure you can say no when this happens Yuzu?" He asked his now-shocked sister. "I've seen this happen many times to other girls before. You can't just say no without having a back-up plan."

A deathly silence filled the room. Suddenly, Ichigo realized that everyone, from Yuzu to Karin, was looking at him strangely. Only when he saw his father's smug grin did Ichigo remember that he was still, in fact, holding the small shinigami in his arms.

As Ichigo glanced down, he immediately came face to face with Rukia's beet-red face. Naturally, as they were in a – um, compromising position, his own face turned crimson as he became painfully aware that the small yet prickly shinigami was pulled across his body. Obviously, such a position also made him, um feel – yes that's the word – certain anatomical parts of the opposite sex that should NOT be felt by anyone who was not a pervert.

Last time Ichigo checked, he was no pervert. That fact didn't help though, now that he felt like one.

From the corner of his eye, Isshin raised a thumb in mock salute 'Score!' he mouthed to his mortified son.

Ah, crap.

"Kurosaki-kun…" the said shinigami said in a frosty tone not unlike her older brother, the ice block Byakuya.

"A back-up plan, eh?" Rukia said. Suddenly, with her right foot, she stomped on his toes. Followed by a kick to his shin with her left before she knocked his chin with her head.

As Ichigo suddenly saw stars and staggered backwards before doubling over in pain, his grip on her slacked and Rukia took the opportunity to use the heels of her palm to slam his nose.

Why the hell does this happen to me? Was Ichigo's last coherent thought before he succumbed into the darkness, not before hearing an amused snicker in the back of his head.

A/N: OMG! I can't believe that some people liked what I wrote!

I feel that I have to apologize to those who were waiting for the continuing chapters. I felt that I should update chapters 2 and 3 at the same time. Writer's quirk, nothing else. No conspiracies or whatever.

Thanks to those who reviewed and gave me the much needed pat on the back. It made me feel special (sob). For IchiRuki fans out there… I'M ONE OF YOU GUYS! I just think that they are the cutest couple in Bleach – ever!

I made references to Shakespeare here, as he is one of Ichigo's favorite playwrights.

Guess who it was that was shickering at the very last part?

This chapter nearly killed me to write. With uncontrollable laughter, that is. I certainly hope that the readers found it funny as well.

Aside from those I mentioned in the previous chapter, I would also like thank Embrace nothing, Rawr Cheese, cherryblossom279, and LithiumRukia for their reviews!

On another note, thank you to a good friend of mine (where's your account anyway?) for reading these chapters to see if they're IchiRuki-fluff and funny enough. Coming from a self-confessed Ren-Ruki fan like her ,finding them fluffy enough without being OOC, is a compliment of the first degree.

So, if you guys liked the chapters as well, please show me some lurve and send reviews. Because reviews are better than drugs! Definitely cheaper and more legal! I'm sure that if authors were placed in a room with computers each, reading all our reviews would make the gathering seem like Woodstock!