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The next time I awoke was to sunlight, with my head on a solid chest. At least this time it was a less compromising position.
"Morning Roza." That husky voice in the morning sounded amazing. The memories from last night come flooding back and I can't help but feel awkward, I can't believe I just threw everything out the window, but damn it felt amazing.
"Morning." I tried to pretend there was nothing bothering me, clearing my throat and untangling myself from Dimitri's body.
"So breakfast?" I had to escape and prepare myself because I had no idea how to begin this conversation.
"Rose, we should talk about last night." He sounded unsure and my stomach dropped. "I can't hear how much you regret it, until after I've eaten so please just wait."
"Rose that's no—" I was already out the door and in the kitchen before he could finish.
I was in the kitchen trying to make pancakes as my stomach was making itself known. Trying being the operative word because it wasn't going well, seriously going to have to take cooking classes to help us survive.
I hear an amused chuckle come from the doorway and I look up to see a freshly showered Dimitri.
"Some things never change, need a hand?"
"I'm good, just making pancakes."
He chuckled again. I don't think I've ever seen him this relaxed, for someone that wanted nothing to do with me a few weeks ago. Why is he so amused?
"Pancakes are usually round and finish cooking before you eat them." Oh right.
"I'm hungry now, I like eating them, not cooking them anyway."
He moved closer to take over from me and I sat and impatiently waited at the bench. A couple of minutes later I had the most perfect stack of pancakes in front of me and my mouth watered.
"Oh my god, I'm in love—with the pancakes." I quickly rushed the second part of my sentence out as I realised how it sounded. The way he froze made me think he thought so too.
"I forgot how much food means to you." He was looking at me like he wanted to say something but stopped.
"Well it's a lot worse now, I think eating for two is like eating for four." I laughed. His expression became worried again at the mention of the elephant in the room, well me. Instead of making a comment, he sat down beside me with his own stack and ate quietly. Is it bad to eat more? As if he read my mind he pushed his last pancake towards me. It felt oddly intimate, sharing breakfast like we were a normal couple. As far from the truth as it may seem but it felt nice until my mind reminded me of the cruel reality. Mikhail must have gone somewhere and hidden as he expected an awkward reunion between Dimitri and myself. I am a little grateful for the fact.
"You don't want it?" I asked, referring to his lone pancake.
"I'm okay, I don't want you to tear my arm off for it." He smiled.
"Well then, I'll never turn down free food." As I speared his pancake onto my plate and inhaled it, baby Rose is happy.
"Rose. Can we talk now?" I looked up into Dimitri's eyes as the way he said my name got my attention, firm but with a gentleness that I didn't expect. I swallowed my last bite and placed both our plates into the dishwasher.
"Yes, but I think we should go to your room in case someone comes home." So we headed to Dimitri's room and the bed was still neatly made. Of course Rose, he slept with you remember. The bed felt too intimate so I headed towards a small two seater lounge by the window, better but still too close.
"So…what did you want to talk about?" Trying to buy myself time I started to ramble.
"So how is Lord Ivashkov?" Huh? That I didn't expect, where the hell was this small talk coming from? I unconsciously rubbed my stomach feeling full and then it hit me. The baby. He thinks that I'm pregnant with Adrian's child. I suppose I was dating Adrian, and my body doesn't look as pregnant as I actually am so it still looks early, even if it's the opposite.
"Umm…he's good, I'm actually not too sure about recently as I'm giving him some space."
"Space? It takes two people to make a baby?"
"Thanks for the biology lesson Dimitri. Appreciate it!" I snapped.
"Rose I'm sorry, I just don't understand why he wouldn't want to be here." He reasoned.
"This baby isn't Adrians problem to deal with, it's mine and I love them with everything I have!" I was starting to get worked up for no reason.
"Roza I don't want to fight with you anymore. I'm sorry about Adrian, I just know if it were me I would want to be there for the whole thing." His voice trailed off at the end and I was at a loss for words. Why do I feel so guilty? How do I tell him? I can't just blurt it out.
"The baby's not Adrians. I'm a lot further along than I look, my body was just fit enough that it's well hidden." This shocked him because I don't think he'd expected anyone but Adrian to be the father.
"And if the father wants nothing to do with them I will raise them with enough love for the both of us."
"Rose, I don't even know what to say to you, about everything that's happened between us." Here we go, the soul crushing rejection again. I closed my eyes and waited for him to crush me again, you'd think I'd learn.
"Just tear the bandaid Dimitri. Tell me it was all a huge mistake and last night shouldn't have happened, you can't feel anything and never did because it was all in my teenage head." I was getting worked up and he could see it. He grabbed one of my hands and shuffled closer.
"Roza.." I closed my eyes and braced for it. What I didn't expect was a feather light kiss on my lips. My eyes shot open as I pulled away.
"You always think you know everything. Do you think that little of me?" He must have seen my hesitation as he looked a little hurt, well I'm not gonna start lying now.
"This isn't the first time you've pushed me away, I'm just not going to act naive about it happening this time."
"I don't regret last night. I do however regret my actions once I was restored." He seemed to pause but I honestly had nothing. He saw that as a safe sign to continue.
"Pushing you away was one of the most selfish things I have ever done. I don't even know how to explain things to you, the things I did. Once I was restored my emotions became so numb and I honestly felt as if I didn't have any, I know it's not an excuse. Love and friendship didn't exist to me at the time, I just didn't realise that it was only a temporary loss. By the time I started to feel things, recover memories of certain moments did I realise the damage I'd done too late."
I don't dare bring myself to hope and I've learnt my lesson.
"What are you trying to say? You hurt me. Everything I did was for you, I knew how much you hated the idea of becoming a Strigoi. It was me that dropped out and risked everything for you! I chased a goddamn fairytale in the hopes you could come back because I thought I loved you! I was so stupid and I've realised how I was just a teenager with a silly crush. Even my best friend chose you over me!" I couldn't stop the words spewing out of my mouth, but I wasn't done.
"I thought I'd killed you! What's worse is after everything I did, I have it thrown back in my face, it's makes me wonder if I did the right thing!" Ouch maybe that was harsh. If I could choose again I'd still try anything to bring him back.
"Roza, I will never be able to tell you how much I regret what I said you in that church. I became so overwhelmed and again I know it's no excuse, but I'm now thinking that it was the breaking point for my emotions starting to resurface. You know what's the worst part though?"
A sickly feeling ran through me talking about the church. It was still such a raw memory for me and everything that followed.
"What's that?" I think I'm stunned he's actually opening up like this.
"How quickly you believed me."
"What?" I think I'm going to vomit. Not really, but I feel gross.
"I thought you'd always known how important you were—are to me, and to see your face when you believed me so easily just crushes me. The memory plays over and over and it makes me ashamed."
"I— I can't do this!" I shot up and started pacing.
"What the hell Dimitri?! What—?!" I stopped, I have no idea what to feel, what to say.
"Rose I know it's gonna take time to repair our relationship with each other, but I would like to try. I will do whatever you need to start to earn your forgiveness, starting with Sonya. Or even—" he trailed off at the end, odd.
"Or even what?"
"Helping you with the baby, if it's something you'd want. We may not be able to have children together but depending on what happens, I could still be apart of your lives." Crap what do I say to that? Hey you ARE the father? He might be all willing now, talking in hypotheticals about another mans child according to him.
"Why would you want to do something like that?" He seemed to pause for a minute to think of how to word his thoughts.
"Because I would rather be apart of your life than to part ways and only see each other when we walk by each other. I have to admit that's not my only motive."
"Then what is it?" I have absolutely no idea where he's going with this.
"I know it's impossible for us but it never stopped me wondering what having a child together would be like. This would be a way to have a family together if it was something you wanted too." Yep, I'm definitely going into shock. This was the opening I was waiting for right.
"Dimitri, I want to raise this baby with its father." The look on his face was gut wrenching, he's got to let me finish.
"Oh, of course. I think I will let you be for the moment. I know I hurt you and it's a long shot, hoping for something between us." He started to retreat fast.
"Dimitri, our baby's father is you." He froze and so did my breathing. This is it.