Disclaimer:Lolo and related characters are property of Namco.
Author's Note: I waffled on about a load of weird stuff here. Forgive me? (sniff)
And... well. This chapter took a week of nonstop writing. This must be the longest doubleshot ever. This chapter deals with the games post-DtP and LV. I managed to link a few together, with the exception of Namco x Capcom. It is difficult to do that without Klonoa.
I am never going to do this again.
Oh, to be so alone! To be submerged in this cruel world, without anyone to hold on to! To know that that nobody knows your true identity, true name, true past, and worst of all, knowing that nobody cares! To know that if you die, nobody will be around to miss you but the precious few who would quickly lapse back into their normal routine once you're out of the way (Ah, Klonoa!)... that is very underwhelming. It is odd how you pass the date of your death every year and you never know it.
Unless you choose it for yourself.
That is not, unfortunately, the way I have chosen; I am lying on my bed now, with closed eyes, my hands clutching the sheets tightly. I am back in Breezegale, but there are new residents now, the old famillar faces no longer here. I returned four years ago because of hopes that my illness would be cured. But I have been ill for years. I never can recover now. It'll kill me in the end, and I feel it is near for me. Ah, but I am not afraid; I am not afraid of dying. When death knocks on my door, I will welcome it. I have already suffered far too much, suffered more than I can take. I have done nothing with the damned existence that is my life, but as death approaches me all that seems natural.
I will be with the ones I have met in the end.
Who will I meet once I die? Let me think. I will meet Leorina, for sure. The good die young, they say. She died a year ago. Tat was with her. She had been involved in too much, and her ex-fellow pirates didn't like her being suddenly decent and good. The Crimson Iris was set up with a bomb, and Leorina and Tat were onboard when the bomb went off. Surprisingly, the Crimson Iris was blown to shreds, but within the burning carnage they found the two, their bodies perfectly intact. Tat was split into two incarnations of herself, the black one grasping Leorina's right hand and the white one grasping her left. Leorina lay in the middle, lying quite peacefully. She was beautiful even in death, I've heard it said, and she died with a smile on her face. There is no such thing as dying happily - but I feel that Leorina had accomplished a lot in her life. She was true to herself, honest and hardworking, and she had lived a full life. I said those words when the time came for her funeral, and most Lunateans agreed with that. She had rebuilt Hyuponia with her own hands, she was responsible for the wonders of Lunatea we can enjoy freely now. Leorina is the reason that the five Kingdoms are connected, without the Ark. She was twenty-five years old when she died. I am nineteen now, and if she were alive this year she would be twenty-six. The good die young, indeed.
I am not good, I have done nothing - and I am dying. I am merely nineteen, but I am dying. I know that. It's right for me. Death will release me from the pain I am feeling. It is too late for any operation now, and I do not want one.
Who else could I meet? Since I was fifteen, I have met so many people. They are all either faded from my memory, or have left my side. Popka has left me, and he died truly peacefully enough. He has been dead three years. He was perhaps the only one who died of a perfectly reasonable circumstance - old age. Dogs never live as long as humans, even if they are Lunatean hybrids. I should have expected his death - yet when it actually came, I cried and cried until I could cry no more. Popka had been my closest friend for years, and then nature suddenly took him away - it was unfair. He slipped away in his sleep; he died on a bright spring day, just the way he wanted. He'd had quite enough of winter. He bid me goodnight, fell asleep... and never woke up. That was it.
He's buried in the Bell's Hill. There was no one but me to mourn for him, but that was enough for Popka, I guess. He'd lived well and that was enough for him. Every month, I go up and ring the bell on the evening of the date he died - the fourteenth - and that is my way of paying respect. He would have liked it - he loved the Bell's Hill ever since we came back, and he would run around there frequently. I am quite fond of it myself, and that's where I wish to be buried, alongside Popka. Whoever finds me will know that.
There, my will is finished. I have left the note next to the glass of water, and I swallow the pills, chasing them down with water. They're not medication to help with my illness. They are merely painkillers to stall the endless pain I should be in. They do nothing to help with my illness; they just numb the senses, dumbing them, making me feel extraordinarily tired in the process. It's something you get accustomed to. At first your senses fight it, determined not to fall back and give way. But then slowly, the painkillers take over; and the nerves lie numb and limp, sending nothing, feeling nothing. Eventually your body fights nothing at all and just lets it all in. I wake up in the morning, take my painkillers, eat quickly and fall sleep. I wake up, wash myself, take my painkillers and sleep. Those things hold me captive within myself and rule my life; painkillers and sleep. I am heartily sick of both, but there is so little I can do.
Occasionally, when I am not feeling too bad, I venture outside and sit beside Popka's grave, staring at the horizon. Even so, I have to carry around my painkillers everywhere. They are such a nusiance to have around; if only Joka was here, he could have soothed me. He could have helped me.
Alas, Joka was a fickle soul. He could never really make up his mind about anything. That was why he died so early, and in a very unattractive manner. Being burst is no way to finish a life, but then he was so full of indecision and deceit - maybe it was fate. He was nice to me. That was the only thing he was certain of - protecting me.
"I do not see why you stay inside so much." Joka grumbled one day, when I was making tea for him and me. "It is not good for your illness. You're not eating. You barely sleep. Priestess, it'll be the death of you!" I shook my head.
"Pray do not call me that, Joka." I murmured quietly. "I am no longer a priestess-in-training, neither am I a true priestess. And there is nothing that will cure my illness." I coughed. Joka jumped off the chair he was sitting on, and hopped over to me.
"Here, allow me." He touched me with his right hand, and with a blue glow I felt the pain disappear within me. "My powers do not last permanently. In a few hours or so they'll be gone and you'll be feeling pain again. I've manipulated time and space, but never tried to heal-"
"I appreciate it, Joka." I murmured. "I really do. But don't do it too much on me - I'm not worth it." Joka frowned, but didn't argue with me, as he had tried so many times before. I would shoot him down every time, merciless in those moments, and all he really wanted was to protect me. Nothing more.
"Don't tire yourself," He said worriedly. "Take a break. Go outside for the fresh air, and you'll feel much better."
"There is no point in that," I protested, but he persisted, and then I found myself sitting outside my house, watching the setting sun with Joka. I turned to him, knowing that he was fully focused on the sun and not paying attention to me, but talking nonetheless.
"Why are so you eager to help me, Joka?" No answer. "You were the servant of Ghadius. You came over and helped me, and you've been here for three weeks. Why is that? What do you want of me? Do you find Breezegale comfortable?" There was still no answer; for some reason that gave me odd comfort, as I could ask all I wanted and not recieve a scathing reply in return. "I really wonder about who you really are. You're not like anyone I've seen before."
"But that's the fun part of it, my dear Priestess." Joka smiled, turning to me. "What fun would it be if everyone was alike? Nohohoho... you are very young, and you still have many things to see and enjoy. So don't lose hope. I'll be here."
"For always?" I asked. He hesitated on that; oh, how I loathed his hesitation. He was the only one I relied on at that time, and seeing him hesitate about certain things - hesitating about me - made me feel insecure. Poor, poor Joka, always with me putting all that pressure on him!
"I cannot exactly guarantee that, Priestess," He finally replied, his indecisive character showing through his thoughtless grinning mask. "But I am going to stay for as long as I can. Trust me - I will not go back to Ghadius, even if I have sworn allegiance to him. He has kept me captive too long."
"Is that the one thing you can definitely guarantee?" I asked, my voice coming out sharper than intended. He winced, but nodded.
"I will not go back to Ghadius," He repeated, his star-shaped eyes focusing on me. "That much I can promise."
"You're sure about that?"
Joka murmured something to himself. I stiffened at the sudden harshness of the words he'd said, but then he looked up smiling, and then I wasn't so sure if I had really heard him. It could have been a delusion, for all it mattered.
"I promise."
Oh, he promised alright. But it wasn't one he could ever keep. Joka believed he could; that much he did believe in, and I trusted him, if uneasily. It was a great sacrifice he had made, to the point where it got fatal, as I was about to find out.
I returned home one day, having been to the local pharmancy for some medicine. I opened the door, and on the floor there was paper. Nothing but shredded bits of orange-yellow paper and confetti, scattered around the whole house. My heart sank, and I dropped the medicine packets, running around the house shouting for Joka.
He didn't answer, of course. He wasn't ever going to answer.
As I turned over a few bits of paper, comfirming my deepest fears, what Joka had murmured that day came back to me:
"You do not betray Ghadius and live."
I set Joka free - I picked up the confetti, and let them wash away in the river, as he always dreamed of the sea. All rivers lead to the sea after a while, and giving him the freedom he longed for was the best I could do for him. And then...
I just sat there and wept.
What else could I do?
I couldn't understand why everyone I had relied on and loved was now either gone or away from me. Klonoa had left. Popka had died a few months prior. Leorina and Tat were far away, in Hyuponia. And now Joka had sacrificed himself. Why was everyone so intent on saving me? I had made it clear on many occasions that their company was enough for me. But no, they had to take it far, they had to sacrifice themselves to keep me going, and this incomprehensible loneliness was all that was left. I put my head on my knees and wrapped my arms around myself, curling up tightly, wishing to hide from the world.
"Ah, the mystery of life." A voice said from behind me. I whirled around wildly, my gaze fixing upon the speaker. He was sitting calmly under a tree, a plain white staff in his hand, wearing a loose shirt and black trousers. His eyes were closed, but as I looked at him, they opened and met mine. The first thing I can recall from my memories about him... that would be his eyes. He had beautiful eyes, gentle and golden, shining in the afternoon sun.
Lunateans never had golden eyes.
"Who are you?" I whispered, looking at him. The man stood up - he was very tall, but not so tall that he served to intimidate. He was young, in his early twenties perhaps, and quite handsome in an odd way. He had a certain graceful quality about him, one of emperors and kings, and I assumed that he was of a high social class. As he did not look Lunatean in any way, I also knew that he was a foreigner. But he had also spoken the Lunatean language perfectly. That confused me.
"I am only a traveller from foreign lands, my young maid," He said softly, bowing to me. "And I stopped by to rest. My name is Jillius. You seemed so lost, so frightened by life - that's why I remarked as such. Pray forgive me if I have offended you in any way."
"Oh no, you haven't offended me at all, sir." I said quickly, but I admit I did feel pleased. No one had been that kind and polite to me in my life. "What brings you to Breezegale, here of all places?"
"Searching." He replied simply. "I have been searching for someone. I'll have to keep on searching as long as time allows me. Meanwhile, this place seems to be the only village that is even remotely safe to reside in." I nodded. Breezegale was safe. Yes, Lunatea was full of the Kingdoms doing their own things even when they were united - and Breezegale remained neutral and safe. That was why I came here. I would not, for instance, trust Volk City to be safe. But Breezegale was isolated nicely, away from my painful memories, and that was good.
"Who are you searching for?" I asked. A sudden gust of wind blew by us as I finished the sentence, and I shivered, coughing. He immediately looked concerned, bending down slightly to look closely at me.
"It is late and cold, young maid, and you've been crying. Do go inside and rest, and before sleeping take some tea with honey and lemon. Make sure your bedside is warm and try to be happy as possible." He smiled again, turning away. "Pneumonia and depression can be made better that way." I looked up, very surprised indeed. How had he known my illnesses, when I had given no indications except for a cough? Did he merely know by observation? That was truly remarkable.
"How did you know-" I began. But he shook his head, his smile unfading.
"I know a lot of things. You have so much to see and sorrow for." And then he was gone, walking calmly down the road, his staff held by his side. I stared after him for a long while, confused but no longer feeling sad. He was a traveller searching for someone - but searching for whom? I had a feeling that somehow I knew the person this man was searching for, but then again, he was from a foreign land. There was no way that this man would know.
Yet I couldn't help thinking about it for the whole night.
I found him again the next morning, walking around the forest. He looked exactly the same as yesterday, his eyes calm, expressionless, and his manner tranquil. I was almost stunned by the unlikeliness of it all; I have never seen a calmer man than Jillius, and I don't think I will even if I lived beyond my age. His staff tapped the ground gently, searching for anything that might prove to be harmful. A few Moos scuttled around, but he was unafraid; and the Moos never attacked. They carried on their usual business and that was it. Who was he, I thought, this man who knew so much simply by observaton and who the Moos didn't harm? Moos usually attacked anyone they saw. But him they never attacked - a few looked up in mild curiosity, but apart from that, they left him be.
"Good morning." He suddenly stopped and said to me. I stopped in my tracks, wondering how long he had known that I was following him.
"Good morning," I said uneasily back. "Were you out for a walk?"
"Clearing away my thoughts." He replied. I exhaled. At least he didn't sound angry. He turned around. "And may I ask you what are you doing out here so early...?"
"My name is Lolo." I quickly put in, as he looked questioning. He nodded.
"Lolo." He said softly to himself, and then he raised his head. "And do please call me Jillius. Why were you out so early? It's cold." I thought that over. Why had I come out? I had been thinking about the last encounter with him yesterday, but what had made me think that I should come out here of all places? A name popped into my head, and I said aloud without thinking:
"I wanted to ask you something. It's about the person you were looking for."
"Indeed?" He looked curious. "Do you know who I am looking for, Lolo?"
I remember thinking that I should have ended it at that. But my own thoughts betrayed me. Looking directly at him, I said clearly:
"Do you know a boy named Klonoa?"
Jillius froze at that. His hand clutched around his staff, and his expression had turned into one of disbelief. He was staring at me, with a somewhat amazed, and half shocked expression. He said nothing for a long while, just staring at me, and I was beginning to shift uncomfortably when he spoke.
"How do you know that?" He whispered, looking suddenly wary. I stared at him; did he know Klonoa? Where was he?
"So you were?" I asked him desperately, grasping his arm. He didn't seem to notice. "Jillius, where is he? When did you see him? Please, answer me!" There was no reply, but he seemed to be thinking about what I had asked him.
"Two months ago." He finally answered. "He came to me one day, in my country. Klonoa helped me. I've been looking for him for weeks - I never got to say thank you properly. He was gone when I woke, leaving nothing behind." My grip tightened, but still he didn't seem to notice. "He disappeared... I know he is a Dream Traveller, and I was thinking that his home world was Lunatea."
"It isn't," I said weakly, and loosened my grip, falling to the ground. I felt bonded with this man, who had been enlightened by Klonoa like me, but we had no idea where he was or where his homeworld was. "Four years ago he came to me. He was gone in a few days. And I'd never thought-"
"Come, Lolo." Jillius said quietly, helping me up onto my feet. "Do calm down. Klonoa is not in Breezegale, you say? I think we need to talk."
We did talk. Jillius remains the only one who understood fully what I felt. We saw each other for a couple of weeks, talking about Klonoa, and occasionally ourselves. He was not just a traveller, I found out; he was actually an emperor, and that was confirmed when I saw the royal insigna engraved on his skin. It was not like anything I'd ever seen before, but its unique shape was enough to convince me. He had powers, almost like Joka's, except that Jillius's powers were not as harsh.
"Are you not afraid?" I asked him one day. "I knew someone who was afraid of his master and his powers. He remained slave to both until he died." Jillius gave me a searching look.
"You have seen much for a young maid." He said. "But powers or status is not something you should be afraid of. It is just a trick of your mind, a mere delusion. Nothing more." He looked at me again. "Tell me, what do you fear most in the whole world?"
"I fear losing my friends due to my foolishness." I answered. "Is that a delusion as well?" He merely smiled in that tranquil way I liked.
"Death is not something that can be helped." He looked up, smiling. "It is your mind, Lolo. Conquer it."
Jillius was gone in a few days. He left me an enigmatic note, saying that he was gone to mind his duties back in his land. I had expected that, and although dismayed, I was altogether relieved that he had gone back safely. At least he wasn't dead trying to protect me. He understood me, understood what I had wanted. Also, he had written that he suspected that Klonoa was coming soon, and that he would be in Breezegale when he came. I didn't believe that very much, although it gave me hope; but he had written a P.S, saying that I should go to Volk City as soon as possible, while I still could make the journey.
"Is he mad?" I uttered to myself, letting the note fall. Volk was just too dangerous for a girl to go to. Notorious, cruel criminals lived there, and there was nothing but fighting all the while. I couldn't face that. They wouldn't hurt me if I was well-prepared, but still, a journey to Volk was too much for me to make.
But I went anyway.
My impression of Volk City remained unchanged. The place was still flaring, fires spreading every few minutes or so, being put out quickly but re-igniting almost as quickly at the same time. The people were still fighting senselessly and without remorse, although the city seemed a lot more cleaner than a few years ago. I walked by fast, repulsed. Why had Jillius asked me to come here, of all places? I would stay for two days, and then I would quickly run back to Breezegale again. That was my plan.
Unfortunately - or fortunately, come to think of it - I had been thinking to myself too much, and I'd lost touch of reality. A skid of brakes sounded next to me, along with a harsh voice swearing at me. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" The voice shouted. "If you intend to kill yourself, girl, then in future go do it in front of someone else's vehicle!"
I jumped back, startled. The Volkians were snickering to themselves, but keeping it quiet. I had walked in front of a motorcycle, and the owner was getting out, stepping out onto the road after pulling over to the pavement. He was wearing goggles, but then with a quick flick of his wrist he had pulled them off, and tucked them on his head. After that he glowered at me, his gaze fixed and unmoving.
He was a Lunatean wolf, albeit a very rare one, as he had bright blue eyes in contrast to the usual brown. He also had a wild golden-black mane of fur, and he had long hair tied back in a ponytail with a scarlet band. He was wearing skin-tight black clothes, with a red jacket and chain boots. He was taller than me, handsome and cool, but unbelievably cold. His gaze swept over me.
"What the... a priestess..." He muttered to himself, and then his head snapped up. "Get on. Now." He stated directly to me, gesturing with his hand at the motorcycle. I got on obdiently, and he jumped on also, speeding in between buildings. I just let myself stay there, not knowing what else to do. Perhaps it was coincidence I had met him. Perhaps it was not. But the fact remained that I was there, and there was nothing I could do to alter the matter.
"So it was you?" He blurted out, as soon as he had dragged me up to a penthouse. "A few days ago I met this man, and he told me that a girl would be coming to me. Is it you?" He asked again. I stared, bewildered.
"I do not understand," I finally said. "What man are you talking about?"
"He was tall," He answered. "and he was holding a white staff."
"Jillius," I murmured to myself, and then I stood up. "If what you said is correct, I believe I am that girl. I met the very same man prior to today." I frowned, pausing. "But why were you contacted?"
"That is precisely what I want to know," He went and sat lightly down on a chair, leaning back and looking at me. I couldn't help flinch at that gaze; there seemed to be something cruel, something terrible in those eyes, and he frightened me. A self-satisfied smirk made its way to his lips, and then he chuckled.
"We might as well introduce ourselves now that we have no idea what to do." I spoke up, partly because I wanted to break the uncomfortable silence. He looked at me strangely, but then nodded, seemingly glad of the icebreaker.
"I am Guntz. Guntz the Bounty Hunter. I have been living in Volk since a few months ago, and I travel around the world when I'm not around here. Haven't taken a bounty offer for a long time. Dirty job, bounty hunting is. I don't like getting myself mixed up in it."
"Then why do you do it?" I blurted out before I could stop myself.
"Good question." Guntz replied calmly. "Why do I do it? It's because it's my responsibility. I bring Death and Discord wherever I go. God of Death, Shinigami Guntz, some call me. Some others call me the Angel of Death. Their idea is that death is not always unwelcome among them." He smirked. "Utter rubbish. Shinigami Guntz always brings chaos and disorder and he always finishes what he starts. A very clear way to do things." He suddenly looked back at me, his gaze piercing. "And what about you?"
"I'm Lolo. I was a priestess-in-training... and that was a few years back." I coughed, and then resumed my introduction. "My life is not remarkable, and there is nothing more to it. I am just a ill young girl who knows little."
"Young, yes. Empty-headed, no." Guntz crossed the room and sat down in front of me. "You look a hell lot smarter than any other girls I have met. Whiny idiots they were, especially those priestesses. They're all rubbish." He swore. "I see you've gotten out of it. Good for you. You knew how corrupt those bitches were, correct?"
"Yes."
"Good. Now we're getting somewhere." He grinned to himself. "I sure don't know why that man came to me, or why you were sent to me of all people... but Shinigami Guntz is all-knowing, and he'll find out sometime. Oh yes."
He was making me feel uneasy, but not endangered. I felt safe, just a little insecure. I knew that he wouldn't harm me in any way.
But I could still see that there was a long way to go.
"You're a strange one, Lolo." Guntz remarked one day at breakfast. "I've been absolutely horrid to you for the last three days and you haven't walked out." It was true - he had been in a foul mood for days, and I'd just let him be. "Did you just plain not care, or were you putting up with me?"
"I don't know how to answer that question, Guntz." I said quietly. "But I know you're not bad inside. You're quite nice to me." He smirked bitterly, obviously not believing my words.
"Oh yes, Lolo, and there's a fat Moo flying thorugh the air."
"I'm serious." He could see that I was, and stopped talking. "I know roughly why I was sent here. You needed help. I was here. I can help you."
"And with what, may I ask?" He asked softly, his voice suddenly dangerous in his moment. I could have backed down. But I didn't. To the horror of my usual shy nature, I just took a deep breath and went on with my words.
"You have an attitude problem, Guntz, and it's time you acknowledged it."
"Fine." He replied sarcastically. "And tomorrow I become a total priest."
"Listen to me!" I slammed my fist onto the table, suddenly angry. "I have lived a life as hard, if not harder, as you! I have had no purpose in life. And now an oppurtunity for both of us to save our sanity is coming up, and you're just ignoring it!" Guntz didn't retort; he looked too astonished for that. He had actually backed away a little, his eyes wide and innocent. I had the upper hand in this situation and I liked it - I am not afraid to say so. I liked having power over him.
"I know you're in there somewhere, Guntz, and I want to help you. The Guntz I'm seeing right now isn't the real you." I finished quietly. He was staring at me still, and he looked so vulnerable - so innocent and fearful - that I felt guilty about it all. What had happened to him in the past, what had happened to make him so twisted and sick? I could not imagine what was going on inside his psyche. There must have been something.
"...You're right." Guntz finally said. "As much as I hate to admit, you're right." He swore again, standing up. "And I hate it that way!"
"So let me help you." I said directly to him.
This time he didn't protest.
For a few days, I talked with him, coaxing out something or another from him. Ah, I cannot reveal what he said; that would be terrible indeed! I do not intend to say such things, every detail of his past, for that would be invading into his privacy. In the few days, I had grown to like him, and vice versa. We were steadily progressing from strangers to friends. And that, for a while, made me feel secure. He often looked out for me at nights, tucking me in, as Volk was no place for a priestess to be in. He did acknowledge that himself.
"Volk is not a good place for you to be in, Lolo." He said softly one night, when we were watching the stars. "Why were you sent here - to me - of all places and people in Lunatea?" I shrugged at that. That was about the only thing I could do.
"I don't know, Guntz, but I'm sure there was a reason." I answered. "And even if I'm destined not to know, I can still make a guess."
"And what would that be?"
"I think I was supposed to help you," I said. "That was my purpose here. I was supposed to help you and awaken you to what was going around the world. I can see that I've still got a lot to learn before I manage the latter."
"I think you've done well." Guntz whispered, gently stroking my hair. "You're admirable." He looked deeply into my eyes, and we said nothing for a short while. His lips touched my forehead gently, and then he pulled away, smiling.
"What was that about?" I asked. He simply shrugged and went back to watching the stars. I leaned against him - he was soft and warm - and wished that this moment of comfort and bliss would last longer than it should.
But it didn't.
There was another battle after three days, marking the start of a revolution. There had been a new Base facility set up without the Volkians' permission, and they had to get rid of it. But the Base soldiers are putting up a strong resistance; Guntz had to go and break the battle up before Volk City became in ruins.
"I will come for you," He whispered to me as he went out to battle. "I will return for you, even if I fall. Remember that, Lolo." He kissed my forehead delicately, and then with a quick nod, he was gone, fading into the horizon, under the dying embers of the sun. I watched him, feeling frightened and insecure nonetheless. Guntz was an accomplished fighter, and of a warrior spirit, but for some reason I felt that he had to come back right now. That battle wasn't his. He would be intruding in it. And when that happened, the wrath of the Volkians would be terrible.
I never saw him again. Alive, at least.
The battle, I heard people saying, lasted longer than it should have. The Volkians had taken care of everything, and had destroyed the Base... but why hadn't Guntz come back? He was not under the frontline, as far as I knew. I had to go and find out myself - he could have taken a bounty and gone off in a different direction, or he might have been injured and in a hospital, but something told me it wasn't that. Guntz hadn't accepted a bounty offer for ages, and there were no hospitals near the frontline. I took out my pink priestess robes - they still fit me, although the skirt was shorter, as I had grown skinnier and taller - and pinned the badge on its place. It was a form of defence, I suppose, because Volkians had a lot of respect for priestesses. They didn't attack them. I ran out, past the gawping Volkians who stopped fighting to look curiously at me. I looked out-of-place. I was out-of-place. I had to find out where Guntz was nonetheless, and bring him back if possible. That was all I had to do.
I found him under the rubble of the Base.
His eyes were closed, his face calm and peaceful despite the pain he must have felt. There was a ghost of a smile in his lips. I pulled him out carefully, and he lay there on the ground, his sapphire blue eyes never to open again, his gloves and fur stained with dark blood. His beautiful golden fur had lost its shine, and was tangled everywhere. He was cold - oh, so deathly cold! Guntz's body was intact, his goggles not even broken - but the sight of him lying there, calm at last in death, was too much.
I began crying, sobbing heavily as I arranged his body. I held him for a long time, sobbing into his fur, my heart breaking. Everyone I had cared for, everyone who had cared for me in return... they were now all gone, away from me, and I had never felt so alone as that moment. I kissed his cheek softly, stroking his fur, and looked up into the sky.
"You can't do this to me," I whispered brokenly. "You can't. This is too much."
But it was no use. I kissed Guntz again, this time on the lips. I left him in a seperate place, away from the stench of battle and the other corpses, near a riverside. I could not give him a grave, as I was too weak to dig one, but I remembered how I had set Joka free just under a year ago. That was what I had to do. I went to Jugkettle, found an old boat they were giving away, put Guntz in it and let him float away. That was the only way to set him free, away from all harm. I couldn't just let him sink into the riverbed.
And after all the things I'd said, after all the time I had spent thinking of Klonoa...
...I do believe I was a little in love with Guntz also.
I wonder what it'll be like to die.
Since Guntz and Leorina died, I spent the last year in loneliness. Would death be any worse than being alone? It can't get any worse, honestly it can't. That feeling, you can only say what it is when you're completely alone. It is hard to conjure up the entire meaning of loneliness unless one experiences it. Loneliness is an endless schism for the eternally damned, the lost and helpless to fall upon. Having nothing, knowing no one, it is the only way they can go.
That feeling is the one definite thing that will always part the damned and the saved. I, Lolo (for that is my long-forgotten name), am damned. I know that. But when I indeed die, who can I meet? Will I meet the people I've lost over the years? Ah, that is not something I can know; for by my cruel fate, they were alone in life as I. No one, in their lives, would have answered those dreaded dreams that haunt you in your slumber, terrorizing you. Alas, what will happen to me now? Will anyone in heaven dry my tears? Will anyone soothe my pain, sing me to sleep, or hold me tightly as they never will let go? Will I go to heaven at all? No one, no one can answer fate; for they are alone as I am, and will be even in death.
But what is another emotion I feel now, apart from all the loneliness?
Love.
Ah, love. I feel love for Klonoa - is there anything more stronger than love of any kind? If he does return while I am still alive, I would like to see him once more, say I love him and then...
And then what? What else can I do? I have not been loved by my parents, or associates. I don't know what it is. For romantic love, I have been denied that - mainly because I was foolish enough to fall in love with someone who couldn't come back. That is understandable; and it is love. That should be enough. When it's dark and cold in my house, and I shiver, I can think of Klonoa and his radiant smile, and I am not afraid. I can also think of Guntz. He did say that he will come back to me, to claim me back. He is the Angel of Death after all. Knowing him, if I die, I think it might be quite happy and desirable, even.
But as for friendly love? I have been disappointed by that. The ones who loved me - Leorina, Popka and the others - they are all gone. I cannot trust anymore, and I'm too afraid to do anything, because I fear losing them if they are involved with me. Love is a gift from the Goddess - if there ever was a Goddess - but to me, it is nothing but fear, wariness and endless misery. As for the love and trust of fellow associates, I have been denied that most rashly. A slap on the cheek, a shove, or rough handling is all I have recieved from the fellow priestesses in the Temple, this thing, this terrible obsession one might describe as love and trust. Most people want to find it, want to embrace it and seek for love all their lives, but not me. I shy away from it, rather, straining to stay away from that strong emotion. It only breaks my heart.
But as much as I tried to define loneliness, I owe love the same treatment. It is not something that can be defined unless one experiences it. I am not one to skip things and ignore. But love - how do you describe that? Either you ignore it, or give up looking for an explanation. Ah, love is such a fickle thing, beautiful if allowed to thrive well, but just purely painful when harshly broken apart. I miss being able to love; if I had another chance, if I could stop fearing people, maybe I could love again. But what use is that now, when I am dying? I do sorely wish to see Klonoa again, looking into his numbing, intense gaze, the warm graze of his arms with each serene night and day, as I have dreamed many, many times over the years. But even with those delicate, beautiful offerings no explanation nor description is correct. One can be right. It can be wrong. I long to love again, but I also fear it and its insensitive qualms.
Love is the key to saving Grace, the High Priestess might have said. But to me, although I am Lolo and no more, is the key to downfall.
-Ah, but to fall in love again!
-But to live in love again!
Oh, Goddess, forgive me! I am damned! I have done nothing with my life, I have wasted it for nineteen years, doing precious little. I have no idea what my purpose is, and I never will find it out. I have sinned. There are things I have done, such as rejecting the service of Goddess Claire, being weak-minded and not even trying to live properly. I'm still sinning. I must be damned to hell for eternity.
I long for Klonoa. I miss him so much, and in this dark, cold house, the thought of him is not enough. I'm aware I'm crying. I know not why. Crying because I miss Klonoa? Crying because I feel sorry for myself? It is both and more, I should think; I am more ill tonight than ever. I see him, faintly, but I know it's only my mind playing tricks on me.
I wonder what Popka or Jillius would have said. They might have sat down and soothed me dearly, comforting me. "Look who's here," I can just imagine them saying. They were the only two who knew my longing for Klonoa to come to me.
And it's true.
It's not a mere hallucination. Klonoa is here, next to me, trying to wake me.
Is there hope for me after all? I have lived such a wretched existance up to this point, but this might just be the turning point in my life. No, that's nothing but a dream. I'm much too wasted, too ill and too miserable for anything to get through to me. I can only hope that Klonoa can do what I've wanted in death...
And oh, for Klonoa.
I have no idea why he has come back, why he is standing over me now, desperately trying to awaken me. Tears are rolling down his eyes, and he is calling my name. I want to answer, I want to hold my arms out to him and kiss his face, but I can do none of that. He wants me to come to life. He doesn't want me to die.
Surely he tricks me, surely the touch of his gentle hands upon my cheek is nothing more than my wild fantasy. Surely - if he is real - that touch is mere deception. I have not yet known a male besides Guntz and Jillius to be so caring, yet expect nothing in return. Jillius I never really knew. Guntz was only caring when I helped him out of his shell, and his care only lasted a few days before he fell in battle. Yet Klonoa's amber eyes speak differently, his bright eyes glazed with sorrow but still so beautiful, and I can see that he is mature, much like me. But he could be lying for all I know. Perhaps he is just as talented in that as I am. But his eyes are too honest, too wonderful, full of unforgotten promises and life, and with old wounds that he will never forget. I do not wish to add another wound... but still...
When I look into his eyes I feel my breath catch in my throat. He really is handsome, caring, so virtuous and wonderful.
But then, most males appear that way.
But yet again - and I believe this - he may be sincere.
I loved him. And I never stopped. There were those moments when I experienced pure heaven at his touch, the way his hand grasped mine bringing a flush of colour to my cheeks. My heart would flutter in breathless delight whenever he smiled. My world had been changed for ever when he had appeared. He was my saviour, my life, the one I relied on all my time. I felt my soul on fire whenever I looked into his eyes. I still do. The fire flares up within me, and with it comes a desperate will to live - but I also know that I have to leave this world and I have lived my time.
Guntz waits for me when I look above, a gentle smile on his lips. "Your time has come, Lolo." He whispers. "Say goodbye." For a Shinigami, he is very polite. I can think of no better way to meet my death. He is the one who brings it, but he will do so graciously, and he is relieving me of all pain. My spirit cries out to be free, I can sense it. There is no use denying myself that anymore.
"I'm ready, Guntz..." I whisper faintly back to him. Klonoa looks up sharply, staring at me.
"Lolo, you're waking up! It's me, Klonoa! I-"
"Klonoa..." I murmur. His ears perk up and he's listening. "Thank you..." I whisper faintly to him, reaching out. He takes my hand, and leans over. He is weeping, his tears falling onto my face and becoming one with mine.
"Lolo... you have to wake up... please... I love you." He whispers, and I smile. "I love you, Lolo." Klonoa doesn't hesitate. He kisses me, for the first and last time, and for that minute all is still, and there's just him and me, locked in a timeless embrace, our lips touching the other's and noticing the increasing warmth of our bodies. He links his fingers with mine, holding on for dear life. Guntz watches, his smile gentle and wide, and when we break apart he bows softly, his hand resting on our linked fingers, sealing the love between us beyond death.
"Goddess Claire, look down upon her in mercy," He whispers softly, looking up to the sky. "Lead her into salvation."
"Forgive my trespasses, Goddess Claire." I murmur. Guntz shakes his head, smiling.
"There is nothing to forgive, Lolo." He replies gently to me. "There is no sin in you. You are whole." I giggle, feeling happy, happier than I've felt in years.
"Take my hand." He whispers to me, and holds out his hand. I take it, and he holds my hands, ready to depart. "Love is everlasting, as much as sorrow... To love and hold another is the most beautiful thing. Lolo, you shall be with the Goddess in Heaven..." Guntz is very gentle with me. I look back at my body, seeing Klonoa weeping over my now-unconscious body. I will never wake again, never in that body, but I am glad I got to see Klonoa one last time.
"I love you." I murmur soothingly into his ear, kissing him on the forehead. I nod to Guntz, and he nods back, holding my spirit in his arms, taking me to the way up to Heaven.
"Come now, where no sorrow will ever bind you... you won't have to grieve anymore, Lolo." He murmurs soothingly, his voice soft as it had never been in life. "You are free."
I draw my final breath in my body, exhale one last time, and then suddenly I am free, my body lying still.
Loneliness. Hate. Pride. Memories. Lies. Tears. Indecision. Discord. And Love. They were all that made me what I am, what made my life mine, things that bonded with me. Damnation may have befallen me in life, but as I look up, I can see light, bathing me, soothing my wounds.
I pray to the Goddess Claire that I will be cleansed in the end.
Damn... I never expected this to be like this. I've been reading it over and it's... well, for me it's quite emotional and powerful. It's different when you're just looking at snippets and writing them out, focusing on only one issue at a time. It is different to actually reading it all over.
The characters described in details are there for a purpose. I based their character on the Elements themselves. Lolo, the narrator, represents Sorrow. Joka represents Indecision. Jillius represents Tranquilty. Guntz represents Discord. And Klonoa, of course, represents Joy. King of Sorrow, as you will know, is the true 'Sorrow' Element... but as he was described in the previous chapter, I just used the characters I consider important in the timeline of the Klonoa series to spin out this tale and base them entirely on the Elements. I had to make the characters from the other games come into Lunatea in order for the story to flow. I couldn't make Lolo travel around like Klonoa.
This tale kind of makes me feel a little... damn, I don't know. I really don't know what I should think. I mean, so many people die, with the exception of Klonoa. Jillius is not hinted as dead, and that's up to the reader's imagination. But as the storyline is, he really has no other option but to be dead. That's the only way he can go. And as for Lolo's death... I wrote Guntz like an angel, almost. He may be the God of Death, but not all deaths have to be unpleasant. That was my interpretation.
I know Lolo is getting vague at the end of the story. But she's ill - I suspect she would be that distracted indeed if that was real. Quite a lot would have happened, and if she's trying to recall it all in one night, anyone would get distracted. Hope you enjoyed it, though. I am not going to do this again... (mutter)