Hello lovely readers!!!
So, here it is!!! The most expected chapter of the story!!!! Any guess??? LOL
It IS actually long!!! About 13 pages in my computer!!!! (Loss of vocabulary in here!!)
Hmm...some notes:
The thoughts expressed in here (italics ones) are exclusively Edward's. It might be obvious, but just in case...
Oh, try to imagine some sarcasm in those thoughts, and maybe some anger. We all know how Edward is with himself...
Also, some parts might seem weird, but I swear in spanish sould a world better. In case you didn't know (and I'm almos sure you don't) I write all of my stuff first in spanish and then translate them, that's why, some thoughts are weird, you know, colloquial words and phrases that change from place to place; but I tried my best to adjust...
Listen to the song "It's True" from the BackStreet Boys album Black and Blue while you're reading this, the song inspired the chapter
As always, please review!!! They help me to improve my english and made me happy =)
DISCLAIMER: TWILIGHT AND ALL ITS CHARACTERS BELONG TO THE WONDERFUL STEPHANIE.
Chapter 17
THE TRUTH
I heard her breathing changing, more lightly now while she moves slightly in my arms.
I was pretty sure that she was about to get up, so I give her a soft kiss on the forehead, longing to see her sweet eyes again.
She sighs and opened her eyes.
"Oh"-She gasped, throwing her fist over her eyes.
That's a strange reaction. "Did I scare her? Didn't she want me here? Do I have the opportunity to talk to her? To tell her that I love her? Ask her to forgive me and accept me again?"
"Did I frighten you?"-I asked quietly, tilting my face towards her, full of anxiety.
"Oh, crap"
"What's wrong, Bella?"
Apparently, my poor Bella seemed to be under the impression that she was dead or asleep because, only that way, I could and would want to be with her.
I cursed me a thousand times for my stupidity. The pain I had caused her was much deeper than I imagine it and I wondered that, if one day, I would come to know it completely.
However, as much as I tried to explain her, she seems not to understand or believe me; it was then when I remembered: a human need sleep to put order and give meaning to the experiences and knowledge gained during the day and, whit sleep deprivation, like the one Bella impose herself last night, the memories can be chaotic and confusing.
"I would have to explain everything from the beginning" I thought with a sigh.
When Bella return to my gaze, I could see her eyes shining in understanding as the memories were becoming increasingly strong. And then, her skin colored in that soft pink color that made my heart sing. She knew she was awake, and she knew I was there with her. Now, I just needed to convince her to forgive me and accept me back "Ha! The easiest thing in the world!!!" I thought with sarcasm.
"What time is it? How long I been sleeping?"
"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours"
"Charlie?"
"Sleeping"-"And he could cause us some problems if this end well" I thought frowning-"You should probably know that I'm braking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never walk through his door again, and I came in the window… But, still, the intent was clear"
"Charlie banned you from the house?"
"Did you expect anything else?"-"'I'll banned myself from the house for all I pain I put you through"
A very weird expression appeared in her face, but before I could decipher it, the pain made his way to replace it.
"What's the story?"
"What do you mean?"-I burn in desire to clarify our situation. The anxiety oppressing my chest was getting stronger, but I didn't want to pressure her. From now on, everything would be her way.
"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for… how long I was gone, anyway?"
"Just three days"-I tightened my eyes, remembering her face; she was so lovely when she was nervous. Besides, I was taken out of guard, for the entire questioning I was expecting to answer tonight, this wasn't one of them but of course, when does Bella had done something I expected?
"Always took me by surprise!" I thought smiling-"Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing"
"Fabulous"-she groaned and I had to contain a chuckle. How I missed all this.
"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something"-I offered, trying to comfort her.
"So"-she began and my breath quickened waiting for her questions-"What have you been doing up until three days ago?"
"Shit! What do I tell her now?" Knowing her, if I tell her I was all alone, twisted in pain and suffering, she was bound to feel bad for me and we were never going to resolve this. On the other hand, if I tell her that I was trying to hunt down Victoria, she will have a panic attack.
"Nothing terribly exciting"-I said fatly.
"Of course not"-She mumble, making a very strange but lovely face.
"Why are you making that face?"-I had to ask to hide a chuckle.
"Well…"-She said pensive-"If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up"
"Ah, Bella" I sighed very annoyed. It was clear that I would have to say something more transcendental, but what?
"If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?"- I said, trying to joke a little, but basically, I needed to be sure that she didn't look me like a monster.
"Nightmare!"-She repeated scornfully and it relieves my anxiety a bit-"Maybe. If you tell me"
"I was…"-"Now what? I promise her an explanation, but I don't know which one!" It seems to me that, if I told her the part of my suffering worthless live, I would be blackmailing her. Therefore, I decided to go to my failed tracking, at least I might skip some things-"hunting"
"Is that the best you can do? That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake"
"Why you get this stubborn?" But in the end, her stubbornness was one of the many qualities that made me fell in love with her.
"I wasn't hunting for food…"-I said slowly, choosing my every word very carefully-"I was actually trying my hand at…tracking. I'm not very good at it"
"What were you tracking?"-That was Bella like; always asking the wrong question, or maybe the acutely ones and latest I wanted her to ask.
"Nothing of consequence"- I didn't know if it was the best of ideas to tell her that who I was trying to locate was Victoria. And it made me insanely furious the mere fact of thinking about that woman.
"I don't understand"-I could see in her eyes that she really don't understand me and I decided that it was time to clear things up and stop stalling.
"I…"-started. I had to start since all this was my fault and it was the one and only right thing to do but, to do so, I had to start from the beginning.
I took a deep breath and then I got nervous, I completely had to open my mind and heart, to be totally hones to earn her forgiveness-"I owe you an apology-"Just an apology? I think you owe even more than your own life, Edward!"-"No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know that I had no idea…"- "What? The pain you cause her? Or the dangers you leave her go through alone?"- "I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here"-"Hurting, yes. But able to heal!!!"-"So safe… I had no idea that Victoria would come back...
"I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why now…"-"The hard way, like everything else in my life"-"she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing…"-Stupid if you ask me, we were seven against them both "What were they thinking?"-"never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him-that kept me for seeing the depth of them, the bond there"-Though, now that I thought about it, it was very obvious the bond between them, but I was too worried about Bella to give the right amount to importance to that
"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice-what she saw herself-when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile"-"And of only a few weeks old werewolves!"-"The worst thing out there besides Victoria…"-And then I couldn't continue because the imagines of everything that could have happened to Bella crowded in my mind, causing me to shiver from the depths of my being. Deep breathing, trying to remove those images from my head, I was able to calm a little
"Please"-I said slowly, from the bottom of my heart, begging for her forgiveness and understanding-"know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms"-And tightened a little my arms around her-"I am the most miserable excuse for-"
"Stop"-She interrupted me and my heart broke into a thousand pieces in my chest while my breathing stopped by the pain of her rejection.
I had hurt her so much that, apparently, she didn't wanted to keep listen my pathetic attempts to apologize.
"Edward"-She said with sadness, but I couldn't help the shiver that my name caused from her lips-"This has to stop now"-"I knew it!" Now it was her turn to said goodbye to me and I couldn't do more than accept it; but I still had one more thing to say, a last hope of being forgiven-"You can't think about things that way. You can't let this…this guilt…rule your life"
"Guilt? What is she talking about?"
"You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault,"-This woman was going to made me crazy! If I had not gone, I wouldn't have caused her so much pain and had been here to protect her; she wouldn't have had to seek refuge with the wolves. But at least I had hope, she wasn't asking me to leave after all-"it's just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame"
"Blame? The guilt thing again?"
"You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me"-Now it looked clear. But how it was possible that she might think that?!-"Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and not your fault"-I needed to stop her but I couldn't find my voice; I was confused and hurt by the way she saw my pain-"I know it's your…your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible-think of Esme and Carlisle and-"
Then she paused, and the pain in her eyes helped me to regain my voice.
"Isabella Marie Swan"-I said in a whisper, not knowing what in that hell had made her believe that about me-"Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"-I would have expected "crazed by the pain" or "desperate" even also "the longing for the reunion" but NOT guilty!
"Didn't you?"-She asked perplexed.
"Feel guilty? Intensely so"-"Because it was entirely my fault! Because I hurt you so deeply that you prefer to end your life than keep living it!"-"More than you can comprehend"
"Then… what are you saying? I don't understand"-
"Obviously not…Guilty!" I thought with sarcasm.
"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead. Even if I'd had no hand in your death"- The memories of the pain and desolation makes me shudder and leave me unable to speak. I had to take a deep breath to shake those memories once more-"even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful-I should have spoken to Alice"-Although, this may not happened. There were only two chances. First: to come back here to her asking for forgiveness I didn't deserve and we could have spared us the danger of death or; chance two: When I knew that she remained alive and safe, I would have returned to my nothingness for her to remain that way-"directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?"
The last sentence abruptly made me think about the similarities in our lives and the romantic literature that I had complained so much about. Apparently, life is like a blank book in which each one writes their own story.
"But I still don't understand"-Bella said, pulling me out from my self-absorption-"That's my whole point… So what?"
"Excuse me?"-It was me the one didn't understand this time.
"So what if I was dead?"
What was she talking about? Of course I would follow her as soon as I could because life would have lost its meaning! I thought we already had discussed this, right? "Had she forgotten?"
"Don't you remember anything I told you before?"-I said trying my best to hide my pain, again…
"I remember everything that you told me"-She said, with her voice and eyes full with pain. And then, the truth hit me like a ton of bricks, leaving me breathless. "Holly God! She truly believed that I don't love her anymore! That I act driven by guilt and not for the pain of losing her!"
"Bella"-I said in a whisper, putting my finger lightly against her lips, dying inside for what I did because, it wasn't only the pain for the loss, but because I made her believe that she wasn't enough for me when in reality it was me who was not enough for HER-"you seem to be under a misapprehension"-I said softly and close my eyes, incredulous of my "skill" to lie and her ridiculous ability to believe me. This was the biggest misunderstanding in history! overshadowed only by my stupidity-"I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist"
"I am…Confused"
Of course she was confused! Thanks to all the crap that I had told her the day I left. The worst and biggest mistake in my entire existence.
"I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be"
And then she froze, she wasn't even breathing and a deep pain expression gripped her face.
I saw, for the first time, some of the pain I had caused her. It was the worst thing I had seen in my life, and it was my fault! I had to remove that expression off her face, I couldn't stand it.
"Let me finish!"-I begged, shaking her a bit to relax her-"I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly"-The memory of her eyes, her pain came to me and I felt a sharp pain in my chest-"That was… excruciating"-But that wasn't everything. That terrible day, while I was carrying out the most stupid act of my life, I felt like I was slowly dying inside with each lie I said to her; the pain was so deep that was about to back down, to ask her to forget everything I said-"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you good bye-"
I didn't want to remember, but it was necessary. She needed to know the whole truth.
"You weren't going to let go"-I said in a whisper because the pain prevented me for talking louder-"I could see that"-although, in reality, it was much easier than I expected, that I wanted-"I didn't want to do it"-Every cell of my body refused to do so-"it felt like it would kill me to do it-bit I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so would you"
It was a remote hope, yes, but, to be honest, I didn't want it; I couldn't bear to imagine her with another man.
"A clean brake"-she whisper without moving her lips. May be she was starting to believe me.
"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! It thought it would be the next to impossible-that you would be so sure for the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head"-A seed that I hoped, wouldn't have deeply ingrained. A seed that I would take from the root-"I lied, and I am so sorry. Sorry because I hurt you"-More than I ever would have wished-"sorry because it was a worthless effort"-That tortured us both and almost killed us in the road-"Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am"-A deplorable and selfish being that the only thing it knows is to hurt you over and over again, in all the ways-"I lied to save you and it didn't work. I'm sorry"
As I spoke, curiosity and disbelief made their way through the layers of pain, until they reach the surface.
"But how could you believe me?"-Of the hundreds of things I've tried to convince her, she decides not to believe that I love her, that I didn't need her! I hoped that, in this matter, I had the same lucky and she believed me just as fast, but it was a vain hope because, after all, this was Bella who we were talking about-"After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?"
It would have been more believable if she would have told me that she didn't want me anymore, because I was NOT good for her. I was a monster who had committed many crimes in the past. But the worst in me, was the ability to hurt her; I had put her in danger of death countless times, but still, I had hurt her feelings even more times.
"I could see it in your eyes that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore"-"I still do"-"The most absurd, ridiculous concept! As if there were any way that I could exist without needing you!"
The truest of words had left my mouth without my permission in my eagerness to be honest, to convince her, to bring her back to me. But she said nothing remaining motionless, and honestly that was beginning to scare me.
"Bella"-I said with a sigh as I tried to relax her once more-"Really, what were you thinking!"-
In my mind, her silence had several meanings and none of them was nice: perhaps I had gone overboard; maybe she thought I was blackmailing her with my pain; maybe she was looking for the best way to throw me out of her house, her life, forever!!!
Then, in a strange and unsuspected way, she starts to cry "What the…?"
"I knew it"-She sobbed-"I knew I was dreaming"
"You're impossible"-I said and a short laugh of frustration left my mouth. I hadn't met anyone as stubborn as she was-"How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you"-I knew I was breaking my promise to not to talk about my feelings to override her decision, but I seem that, as harder as I tried not to do so, it became more a necessity-"I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you"-of us and all our moments together-"seeing your face in my mind"-bit I hadn't done her justice, she was more beautiful in person that in my pathetic although perfect mind-"every second that I was away."-"NO, to be honest, every minute of which I AM not with her, she is in my mind"-"When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy"
She only shook her head and the little hope I still possessed collapsed.
"You don't believe me, do you?"-I whispered with a dreadful fear rooted in my stomach. I didn't know what I'll do if she wouldn't believe me. I knew that if she believed me but she still asked me to go, I'll try to do it. But if she didn't hear the truth of my words and believed it, my life would end completely-"Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"
"It never made sense for you to love me"
"That it never made sense for me to love her? Which has never had sense was that someone so good, adorable, loving, selfless fell in love with someone like me. After all what I had done to her, she still believed that she wasn't good or enough for me. What is wrong with her?" Does she ever going to see herself clearly?
Then, I decided that I had to do something to show her that this was real. To convince her how much I loved her and needed her to keep existing. That's when the best of ideas came to my mind, because it was something I wanted to do since I had her back in my arms, since the dreadful day when I left her. I would kiss her.
That was an excellent idea but I didn't know how she would take it, her attitude had been hesitant and confused since we reunited. Besides that, that was coaxing her decision and that wasn't fair, but I couldn't find another way to convince her.
"I'll prove you're awake"-I told her, holding her delicately but firmly her head on my hands.
I felt her struggling slightly, but the warmth of her body, the sight of her lips, made me impossible to stop.
"Please, don't"-Her whisper full of despair helped me regain control, and I stopped.
"Why not?"- I think I knew the reason, but I needed her to say it.
For my part, I knew that by touching her lips with mine, it would be totally impossible for me to leave her side even if she wanted; the pain would be worst than before.
The answer she gave me was the most ridiculous and painful of all because, after all what's been said between us in this room, she remained under the absurd idea that I would leave her; that I only remained here for pity, for guilt, and probably, she could even believe that I was playing with her.
I knew it was time to quit playing, to clarify the most painful issue for me. Although she didn't believe me, I had spoken from my heart: my feelings, guilt, fears and mistakes. Now was her turn, she had to tell me whether my poor decisions had changed her feelings towards me, whether I had taken her too far and she had reached her limit. I didn't want to, but I knew I needed to do so.
I pulled back an inch to see her entire face and to evaluate her reactions. Only then, I would know the truth.
"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so…hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you? That would be…"-Unbearable, deeply painful, the end of my existence-"quite fair. I won't contest your decision."-Because at the end, I had caused this-"So don't try to spare my feelings, please-just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?"
"What kind of an idiotic question is that?"
"I'm sorry, Bella, but we're not going to play evasive"-"Just answer it. Please"- I pressed.
But she didn't answer immediately and, every minute that passed, made that an awful pain and fear grow quickly inside me since, I couldn't even get some response in her face or her eyes.
"The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you"-She said forcefully. When I heard those words, I release my breath-which I wasn't know I was keeping- and my breathing quickened.
She continued talking but I no longer heard "She loved me! She still loves me! After all the damage, she remains being MY Bella!"
"That's all I needed to hear"
And I kissed her. I was planning to do it the same way as always, soft and gentle, very controlled but at the moment our lips met, I lost control over my emotions, over my body. The sensations that run all over my body were so intense and powerful that I get lost in them.
I leaned over her, so close that I could feel her warmth body against mine, and the passion that was missing for so long, returned to me with an amazing strength, and I had to fight it not to lose control completely.
I traced her face with my fingers, memorizing every line, every curve, and the amazing softness of her skin. Feeling her hair; drowning in her scent.
When I felt her hands, soft and tender in my face, the emotion overcame me and whispered her name, full of love, desire, joy.
Then I realized that her heart was beating too fast, and violently seeking for air. Reluctant, I pulled away from her and, as I didn't wanted to lose the contact, I lay my head over her chest; listening to her crazy heartbeat, feeling complete again, at home.
Crazy thing it seemed that my body was programmed to be extremely careful with her because, despite my lack of control, she didn't suffer any damage.
After a few moments, I remembered something more that I wanted to tell her, something mundane but important. Now it seemed unnecessary to me because she loved me, but still, I wanted to do it.
"By the way. I'm not leaving you"-I said almost playfully expecting her to laugh at my ridiculous and unnecessary statement, but she said nothing. There was not response, I mean, not even a nod with her head!
My happiness and tranquility vanished almost completely, and the fear returned to me. Apparently, the kiss, the most amazing kiss between us didn't have the same implications for her than for me.
I lift my face to lock my gaze in hers.
"I'm not going anywhere. Not without you."-Because I knew that, when the time to leave came, I would do everything to bring her with me.
When I began to tell her the reasons which had lead my departure, I found them even more ridiculous than before. Those reasons that once had seemed so powerful now were completely meaningless.
"What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again"-Then, in what probably was a crazy lapse, I remembered all the dangers that lurked her, and I decided to tease her with them, to lighten the atmosphere or so I thought. They were problems quite serious, but I would be here forever so nothing would happen to my angel-"I have too many excuses to stay-thank heaven for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."-I finish smirking.
But apparently, my little joke was not funny because the look she gave me was somewhat incredulous and angry.
"Don't promise me anything"- She whispered
The disbelief in her words, in her voice hurt me really deeply. The pain was followed by anger at feeling betrayed "I thought we had pass this part!"
"You think I'm lying to you now?"-I asked, barely controlling my angry.
Each and every one of her following words crossed me like knives, smashing me inside. My attempts seemed to be doomed to failure because Bella was still suspicious of me.
I recalled those firsts days, when I had wished with all my being to be worthy of her trust and, despite my bad behavior with her, she gave it to me without a thought, that was one of my most precious treasures and now I had completely lost it.
Then I thought that, without trust and confidence, any kind of relationship was doomed to fail, and this revelation only increased my pain and remorse to levels, that I was sure, no one had ever experienced.
I didn't know what else to do or say to make her understand, I felt alone and lost. Trying to find a way to save us, I remembered something I thought in the depths of my depression: if for some reason I came back, I would have begged all the necessary to be accepted again. And now it seems that it was my best option, and probably, the last one.
A/N:*All this went through his mind as he spoke with Bella*
"It was only matter of time-and not much of it-before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that"- I said desperate.
And of course, as it was expected, she thought I was joking, not even realizing the pain it caused me, the desperate state in which I was. But I wasn't going to complain in any way. I had caused her more pain than she was causing to me. With all and her skepticism I would beg her, a life time if that was necessary.
What I didn't know was where to start. There were too many things: feelings, actions, decisions to consider. Then, digging into my memories of our first day in our meadow gave me an idea: the things that were more difficult and complicated to express, at least for me, I had told her in metaphors that she seem to completely understand.
I made sure that I had all her attention and start talking.
"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars-points of lights and reason…and then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone"-"Or rather, when I leave you"-"when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything"
I could see in her eyes that she seemed to believe me this time, although, she was still a little reluctant to my words.
"Your eyes will adjust"-she mumbled
"Bella, please, I'm begging you, please, believe me!"-"That's just the problem-they can't"
"What about your distractions?"
It would never cease to amaze me that Bella remember-and believe- all the lies I had told her that awful day. But that fact doesn't cease to grieve and enrage me. I laughed bitterly to her question, knowing that she would make one question after another, all of them just as painful and difficult to answer than the one before. But I would answer them; I would answer all her questions with my heart, with truth.
"Just part of the lie, love. There was not distraction from the…"-I struggled to find a word to describe properly the depth of my pain, loneliness and sadness-"the agony. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone-like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you"
"That's funny"-She muttered.
"Was she making fun of me? Of my pain?"
"Funny?"-I asked in disbelieve
"I meant strange-I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long"-we both breathe together, deeply; it was so long since I felt such peace-"And my heart. That was definitely lost"
"No, never" I closed my eyes and lay my ear over her heart again. Each one of its beats was a treasure for me; the most soothing and wonderful sound in my world.
I felt her head pressed against my hair and her deep breath; filling her lungs with my scent just as me with hers. A soft sigh left my lips. Apparently I was on the right track. Finally!!!
"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?"-She asked breaking the peaceful silence, and I knew perfectly well that she wanted to change the subject "The truth, always the truth, Edward!"
"No"-I sighed because that was ANOTHER awkward question-"That was never a distraction. It was an obligation"
"What does that mean?"
"The truth, Edward!"
"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn´t going to let her get away with…"-"What?" I couldn't tell her that Victoria had in her head all her personal information. That thanks to her, James had gone to her house and tricked her!-"Well,"-I left for the tangent hopping she won't ask about my motivations to track Victoria-"like I said, I was horrible at it. I trace her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil-"-And was then when that I realized that I was too confident in my ability-"and really she came here"-A menacing growl came out of my chest when I imagine that woman near my Bella-"I wasn't even In on the right continent! And all the while, worse that my worst fears-"
But then she interrupted me, giving me a terrible fright.
"You were hunting Victoria?"-She said almost screaming which obviously, almost awake Charlie.
I didn't answer until I made sure that her father went back to sleep deeply.
"Not well"-I was completely confused. Was she disappointed because I didn't catch her? Was she concerned for her safety? For Charlie's? For my own?-"But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer"
Now less than ever after what she had done to my Bella.
"That is… out of the question"-She said breathless.
At that moment, as in many others, I wish I could read her mind, even for just a second. I didn't understand her reactions and every time I felt more frustrated and confused.
Somehow, she managed to pass the issue of Victoria to werewolves with an ease that leave me perplexed.
By what I saw in her eyes and the fear in her voice, I could say that Bella hadn't fear werewolves but Victoria. That was more or less understandable for me, Victoria was dangerous, but I didn't like her friendship with those dogs either "It was too dangerous!!"
There was also the fact that, to deter me, she used my promise to stay with her against me. A promise that she doesn't wanted to believe.
And then, at the end of the list, came the Volturi. They frightened her as much as Victoria, and when I tried to reassure her, she began to cry again.
"You don't have to be afraid"-The pain in her weeping caused me intense pain. I could not let her suffer like this-"I won't let them hurt you"
Nobody would hurt her again, not even me. I would do everything in my power to make her forget the last months.
"While you're here"-She said desperate and hurt.
It hurt me her reluctance to my words, but I could tell she was accepting them slowly, I would repeated her as often as necessary how much I loved her and needed her, until she understand that.
I took her face in my hands tightly; setting my eyes on hers-"I will never leave you again"-Bella should understand that leaving wasn't an option for me, not even a remote one. That would kill me, both of us.
"But you said thirty"-She began to complain weakly-"What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right"
Despite all the pain and suffering; despite even seeing with her own eyes the kind of monsters we are; she still wanted to become a vampire. Waiving all and everything that a human life could offer her for being with me! Me, who caused her so much damage "My Bella" I thought with tenderness, but I knew that I could never allow it, this sort of existence was not for her, I couldn't let a soul as beautiful as hers ceased to exist.
"Is this really…"-There were traces of sorrow in her voice before she gets quiet. A few moments later, a slight shiver toured her body and the pain returned to her face with all its power.
I couldn't bear one more instant watching her suffering that way without knowing.
"Yes?"-I pressed, feeling a terrible anxiety.
"But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your grandmother?"- Her voice trembled and I could see fear in her eyes.
Why she didn't understand that it didn't matter; that what I love of her was her soul, the way she made me feels, her braveness and ability to love, no her physical appearance. Of course she has a gorgeous body and that was something more I loved of her, but it wasn't the only or most important thing.
The tears that slid down her cheeks were so unjustified that I wipe them away with my lips; tasting its sweetness in my eager lips.
"That doesn't mean anything to me. You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world"-But to be honest, she would always be my world, my universe-"Of course…"-That's when reality hits me. I noticed that when Bella grew old, she was going to want things that I wouldn't be able to give her as marriage or children. The only thing I could offer her was me and always with limitations because, intimate contact would never be an option for us, it was too dangerous for her.
I shuddered at the thought of her with another man, forming a family, growing older with her-"If you outgrew me- if you want something more…"-I would not be so selfish to deny her a future, happiness-"I would understand that, Bella. I promise I won't stand in your way if you want to leave me"
Pain and despair would destroy me but I will do anything to see her happy.
"You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?"
Well, if she thought that THAT way I was going to change my mind, she was very wrong. Just thinking about losing her THAT way again, made to that terrible pain, suffering, despair and madness seized me, but she would not become a monster.
"I'll follow after as soon as I can"-Without any kind of hesitation.
"That is seriously…"-" Perfect? Magnificent? The solution to all our problems?"-"Sick"
"Bella, it's the only right way left-"-I answered a little frustrated "is that she didn't understand it?"
"Let's just back up for a minute"-She was angry now. That was one of my favorites expressions of her "My angry little kitten"-"You do remember Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm thirty"
"No"-And even less since Caius and Jane felt personally offended-"They won't forget but…"
"But?"-She interrupted me as she stared at me warily.
And I smiled because that answer made me feel that I had won. Also, I had several plans to keep her safe, and they were really brilliant plans.
"I have a few plans"
"And these plans"-She said angrily and maybe a little conceited which immediately made me mad. Her foolishness seem to be limitless-"This plans all center around me staying human"
"Naturally"-I didn't know how she could expect otherwise.
Then, she breathed deeply. I thought she was going to continue arguing with me but instead of talking, she squared her shoulders and push my arms away. My anger quickly became fear, panic.
"Do you want me to leave?"-I asked, trying to hide my pain. If that was what she wanted, her guilt at my pain shouldn't change her decision.
I didn't understand how, after struggling for her to believe me, to forgive me, I had managed to make her so furious that she didn't want me around anymore. I should've been silent; I should never have touched the topic of her death, at least not now. "My stupidity would never have limits?"
"No"-She replied and, never in my life a 'no' had caused me so much bliss and happiness. That meant that she didn't want me away. That I still had hopes!-"I'm leaving"
"Where did she want to go at this hour in the morning? Everybody is sleeping!" well, at least humans are slept.
"May I ask where are you going?"-I asked while she gets up. I didn't know what would happen to me if we get back together since I couldn't stand the minimal separation in our bodies. I couldn't be with her ALL the time…
"I'm going to your house"-she replied walking around.
I fear that she end hurt, the dark was too much for her eyes. So I got up and picked up her shoes. Probably that was what she was looking for.
"Here are your shoes"-I offered them when I reach her side-"How did you plan to get there?"
I was quite sure that, no matter what she says to me, I would end giving up eventually and taking her where she wanted.
"My truck"
"That will probably wake Charlie"
I hoped that the idea of her father discovering her escaping would deter her. Besides, I needed a definitive answer. I needed to know if we were together again or not.
"I know"-she sighed-"But honestly. I'll be grounded for weeks as it is."-Definitely WE would end up locked up because there was no way for me to be away for her.-"How much more trouble can I really get in?"
"None. He'll blame me, not you"
"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears"-She challenged me.
But I didn't have many ideas and, ultimately, it didn't matter because she had her mind up-"Stay here"-I offered without conviction.
"No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home"-She joked on her way to her bedroom door.
But I rushed to block her. We haven't finished talking yet, and for some estrange reason, I didn't like the idea of her going to my house…
When she turned around, I saw her intentions to throw herself out the window; I decided it would be better to take her myself. At least that way I would be sure that she was safe, and without injuring herself.
"Ok"-I sighed-"I'll give you a ride"
"Either way"-she said shrugging her shoulders-"But you probably should be there, too"
"And why is that?"-I asked with genuine curiosity.
"Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views"
"My views on which subject?"-I asked through my teeth. I wasn't enjoying at all the path of her thoughts.
"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know. If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say"
Nope, I definitely didn't like her thoughts path-"A say in what?"-I needed her to say it out loud so I could be angry.
"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote"