St. John sat in the chair carelessly flicking his lighter open and closed.
"Name," the Voice said slowly.
"St. John Fernando Allerdyce!" St. John exclaimed enthusiastically, sticking out his hand as if waiting for someone to shake it.
The Voice sighed, "Codename," it stated almost dreading the answer.
"Well mate, oih'm Pyro the Mutant Master of Fire, Ex-Angel of Death, current husband and future King of Brazil!" St. John exclaimed with an Acolyte cackle, "Its exhausting being me, mate!"
"Hobbies? Interests to declare?" the Voice asked.
"Well moihy hobbies include, cooking, apolstry, arguing with the mailbox, and having that sweet, sweet sex with moihy 'Mara!" St. John listed off on his fingers, "What's your favorite color mate?"
"Uh… blue," the Voice responded slowly.
-The very next day on a very boring tour-
Eileen led the esteemed members of the Brotherhood down various corridors and past different doors. Occasionally, Eileen would point out a division that she thought they should know about, the Brotherhood on the other hand could honestly careless. That is until…
"As you probably don't know, this S.H.I.E.L.D. base is located in the great state of Vermont and this was our hangar," she called out eyeing the Brotherhood with a mischievous grin, "It housed stealth planes, helicopters, military grade vehicles, etc." she trailed off, "Moving on!"
"We're in Vermont?" Amara asked leaning in to Wanda.
"Isn't it nice?" Wanda said with a smirk.
The Brotherhood continued to follow the blonde but the male half of the group quickly found themselves slipping into old habits. For instance, St. John had been constantly flicking his lighter open and closed.
"So this is walking?" Pietro asked looking down at his feet, "I hate it. Why can't I run?" he wrapped an arm around Karima.
Lance's eye began to twitch.
Todd walked with a slump slightly dragging his feet, "Why'd we have to wake up so early yo? Not like we ever opened the bar on time anyways," he said shoving his hands into his pockets.
Lance started grinding his teeth.
Freddy yawned, "Lance I'm tired, why can't we take the golf cart?" he asked stretching out his arms.
Lance balled up his fists.
St. John continued to flick his lighter, "Lance oih found a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, can oih burn it?" he said holding up the innocent agent.
Lance released a small tremor causing his brethren to stop in their tracks; "Shut up, shut up, shut up and no!" he exclaimed pointing at each member he was currently annoyed with.
Regan leaned in to Wanda, "Does this happen often?" she asked quietly.
"Every time we walk to school, or the laundry mat, or down the stairs for breakfast," Wanda said with a sigh.
"And here we have the Supernatural Division," Eileen said, regaining the attention on the Brotherhood women, "Ms. Maximoff I was told you would find this division especially interesting," she lead the way into the division.
Wanda followed quickly and was immediately awestruck. She found herself surrounded by ancient tomes and tapestries, mystical relics with untold powers and… the Howling Commandos?
A humanoid wolf wearing a standard S.H.I.E.L.D. uniform stepped forward and began sniffing Wanda closely, "This the girl?" he asked looking back at a very familiar mummy.
"N'Kantu?" Wanda asked in surprise, "What are you doing here?"
N'Kantu gave the young witch a hug, "Welcome Wanda, I have joined your government to help with the growing supernatural threats or some such nonsense," he said offhandedly.
Wanda then noticed the rest of the Living Mummy's team, "Who are they?" she asked in a most unimpressed tone.
N'Kantu cleared his throat and pointed to a werewolf, a vampire and what appeared to be Frankenstein's monster, "That would be Warwolf, Nina Price and Frankenstein, I call him Frankie for short," he whispered the last part to Wanda.
"This is the worst cliché of all clichés!" Wanda exclaimed in disbelief.
"What are you talking about girly?" Warwolf asked as he walked back to his team.
"You've got a werewolf, a vampire, a mummy, a Frankenstein and now," she then pointed to herself, "A witch," she said with a small smirk.
"Yeah… we also got a zombie in the back," Warwolf said pointing over his shoulder.
"You guys have zombies?" Wanda asked in annoyance.
"'Zombie' singular, we're only insured for the one," Warwolf explained holding up one finger.
At that exact moment a walking pile of rot stumbled out of the back room and toward the group, "Brains…" it moaned out.
"Is that thing dangerous yo?" Todd asked crouching down readying himself to leap away.
"Honestly, how many brains does it take to make a damn Long Island Iced Tea!?" the zombie exclaimed throwing the contents of his glass at a random S.H.I.E.L.D. agent.
"His name is John Doe," N'Kantu said palming his face.
"And he speaks?" Wanda questioned in disbelief.
"Of course I speak, I have a brain," John said as if that was the only credential he needed.
"Yes, I can see it poking through your skull," Wanda quipped with her razor sharp wit.
"Touché young witch," John said an impressed nod.
"And just because you can speak doesn't mean you're intelligent," Wanda added in an attempt to seal a witty victory.
"Must I point out the company you keep?" John asked with a sly smirk.
Wanda looked over her shoulder to see the Brotherhood boys playing with some dangerous mystical artifact, "Touché zombie, touché," she said in a mildly impressed tone.
-A few minutes and several mystical burns later-
The Brotherhood Boys of S.H.I.E.L.D. each sported brand new mystical burns courtesy of some cursed gem they had decided to engage in a game of catch with. They followed the women as they gingerly rubbed their wounds.
"And here we have the Avengers complex," Eileen said gesturing to a large metal door with a giant crimson 'A' painted on it.
"Avengers huh?" Lance asked punching his open palm, "Boys don't you think we should visit our neighbors?"
-A few more minutes and one one-sided battle later-
The Brotherhood Boys continued to follow the women sporting new bruises to match their burns. The incredible amount of pain their bodies were in failed to match the pain that had been suffered by their pride.
"Why'd you stop us we almost had 'em that time!" Lance exclaimed holding his blackening eye.
"Oh yeah they were begging for mercy," Eileen responded sarcastically.
"You never break up a Brotherhood fist fight!" Lance exclaimed pointing at her in agitation.
"Not even when a thunder god is playing whack-a-mole with your skulls?" Eileen questioned with a roll of her eyes.
"Hey! We may be losers but we're not quitters!" Lance shouted back at her.
Choosing to ignore the famed leader of the Brotherhood, Eileen simply moved on with the tour, "Here we have the Science Division," she gestured to a large open room filled with various machines, chemicals and what appeared to be photos of the Brotherhood members themselves, "Ms. Shapandar I've been informed they have something special for you."
Karima perked up slightly as she saw a scientist approach her with…
"My arm!" Karima exclaimed in sheer joy. She quickly snatch the appendage and forced it back into socket, "It feels lighter… more fluid," she said repeatedly opening and closing her fist.
"Well… we entirely rebuilt the shoulder joint without using string or chewed bubblegum," the Scientist said meekly.
"They used string and gum to attach my arm!?" Karima exclaimed in disbelief.
The Scientist shrugged, "Yes, well Sentinels don't exactly have the best quality control," he said with a small nod.
Lance examined the lab tables closely until the photo's caught his eye, "Are they studying us!?" he exclaimed holding up the photos for all to see.
Eileen took a glance at the photos, "Yes, the Yale institute of Brotherhood research," she responded offhandedly.
Todd hopped onto the table and took the pictures from Lance, "So… they study our eating habits or what?" he asked looking at a picture of himself falling off the roof.
"Eating habits, behavior, why you steal what you steal, mating habits," Eileen said raising her eyebrows in a seductive manner at Freddy.
Freddy's only response was to reach into his overall pocket and place a microscope back on the lab table.
"Why?" Lance said slowly and menacingly.
"Well…" Eileen started slowly, "Magneto represents the evil of mutant kind while Xavier and his X-Men represent the good. You, on the other hand, represent the average, middle of the road, normal mutant," she explained as the Brotherhood stared with completely blank expression, "What?"
"We've never been called normal before," Pietro said speeding to her side then speeding away.
"Abnormal a few dozen toihmes," St. John said scratching his chin.
"We've even been called vegetables," Todd said staring into a flashback.
-Flashback-
"This…" Raven said, her apron stained with flour, chocolate and eggs, "Is the fruit of my suffering," she pulled a tin of cookies out of the oven.
"I thought we were the fruit of your suffering Boss Lady?" Todd asked scratching his ear with his foot.
"No, you're the vegetables of my suffering," Raven responded pinching the bridge of her nose.
-Present time-
Lance promptly threw up in a large glass beaker. Lance then watched on as a scientist grabbed the violated beaker and began pouring in chemicals.
"Come on lets go, tour's not gonna finish itself," Lance said rushing the group out of the room.
The group followed him out of the room just as an explosion shook the walls.
"Where to next?" Lance asked giving Eileen the Patented Brotherhood Smile of Innocence.
-A few more minutes and one biohazard later-
Regan stood awestruck in a hallway. A little trail of drool escaped her mouth as she was completely taken in by the sights.
"Is… is she going to be okay?" Eileen asked in a whisper.
"I guess…" Lance scratched the back of his head, "She's been studying to steal bandages and heal people," he said with a shrug.
"Heal first then steal," Regan said elbowing Lance in the ribs.
"The Wrecking Crews' quarters are through those doors and that concludes our tour!" Eileen exclaimed throwing out her arms in excitement, "You're free to look about the base, try not to fight, steal or blow anything up," she added quickly leaving the Brotherhood to their own devices.
"So what do we fight, steal or blow up first?" Todd asked dropping into a crouch.