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No, I didn't run after the happy couple and demand to jump into bed with them. I don't need a manual to tell the difference between sexual attraction and love. What I felt was lust, pure and simple.

I knew it wouldn't do me any good to act on it. In fact, it would probably make the whole situation worse.

I've felt lust plenty of times before. Before my marriage, I'd pursue the object of that feeling, and usually s atisfy it without too much thought. After my divorce, well, it wasn't worth the trouble, even with Jim nagging me about it. It would mean explaining that no, I didn't want a relationship, and no, I wouldn't be back for a second visit.

I didn't need that kind of complication. But I had a pretty good relationship with my hand, so my physical needs weren't neglected.

As for my emotional needs, a lot of them had been taken care of by Jim. He had been a good friend during our time at the Academy, truly caring about me and my opinions about the universe. When he was around, I felt wanted--something Jocelyn never seemed to be able to give me.

I expected that to die out once he got married. Hell, I wasn't his main distraction anymore. But because of that development in his bond with Spock, it didn't. His need should have been flattering, at the very least, but all it did was scare the hell out of me. I was afraid it was only the result of some kind of kinky wish in Jim's head. I figured the minute he couldn't get what he wanted, Jim would leave me in the dust.

Boy, was I wrong.

In fact, because I backed away from him when he started spouting ideas of a three-way marriage, he took to 'spoon feeding' me friendship by showing up in places where I couldn't avoid him and starting a running monologue about what I meant to him. And he got the green-blooded one into the act.

Now guys aren't overly mushy, but with Jim on the one hand telling me how much he needed me, and Spock on the other, basically accepting me as I was (which went against everything our relationship had been created on), I understood why even good emotions could make a woman cry.

I didn't break down. I don't have the hormones or the disposition for that. But I did find myself wishing that things could be different.

I was sure it couldn't be.

That belief and all the attention Jim and Spock were giving me had me in a whirlwind. So I continued to avoid both of them until I ended up trapped in my own head. It's obvious how much good that did me. I was more confused than I had been before my little trip inside myself.

But I could no longer just escape. I had to do something. This new development demanded it.

I knew better than to avoid the attraction I felt, even though I couldn't treat it by going to its sources. So I commed Greg M'Benga and told him to come to sickbay because I was taking the rest of the day off. Then I headed to my quarters.

Once I got there, I quickly stripped off my uniform and fell straight into my bed.

I knew what I had to do. Some time alone with my hand was definitely the cure for all this confusion.

So I laid on my bed and thought of Jim's body. It had been a favorite pasttime of mine for the last couple of years.

But as I touched myself, I found that the image of his body didn't make me tremble as it usually did. In fact, now I needed to imagine his bright blue eyes, and a small smile on his sensuous mouth. The smile he usually reserves for Spock.

As for Spock...in my imagination, he was at Jim's side, but reaching toward me. His eyes were black, the intense orbs of curiosity that I have seen so often as he bent over the science station. But now, they also held the same gentleness that I saw when I watched him restrain Jim a half-hour ago. But this time that gentleness was directed at me. He wanted to touch and explore, to know and comfort *me*.

At that point, I came so hard that I nearly fell off the bed.

As soon as I recovered my breath and my sanity, I started scouring my brain for an explanation of what just happened. I had never thought of Spock that way. Jim, yes. The hobgoblin? Hell no.

I had to be losing my mind. I had never lusted after Spock before. He would never lust after me. But it had felt so real.

I stood up and started pacing, still mostly naked. To dress would have been wrong at that point. I needed to be open to this and to my feelings, if I was ever going to figure out what to do about it. Sometimes staring at your own aging body in the mirror makes that a little easier.

But those feelings were starting to scare me again. I could feel my perceptions about my two best friends change as I walked around my cabin. I felt my whole being reaching for them. Not physically, probably not even psychically, but trapped inside me, my soul was straining towards them.

Okay, it was time for honesty. What I felt for them still wasn't love by my definition. But what I felt was a lot closer to that sacred emotion than what I thought I felt when I had been talking to Spock in my head.

I cared for them, both of them, very much. I wanted to be near them. I was attracted to them. But I still didn't want to be married to them.

I hadn't felt this close to them a few days ago. What the hell had changed?

Imagining their faces as I had during my 'cure', I realized those looks I had put on their faces HAD been directed toward me before. They had used them as they had tried to persuade me to be part of their relationship.

They had both looked at me longingly. Spock's looks had been short and discreet, but they had definitely been there. Jim's...well, everyone knows when Jim is in lust. Maybe that's why he confined his pursuit of me to sickbay. Acting like a love-sick puppy on the bridge might have caused a mutiny.

I, of course, had ignored those two sets of come-hither eyes. Mostly.

I had looked away each time I saw those strange longings overtake them, but now as I thought about them, I could recall how they looked perfectly. Jim had looked sad as well as longing, as if my refusal hurt him in some way. Spock had appeared cautious, as if afraid to reveal a vulnerability to me.

I imagined their expressions a little longer, trying to figure everything out. Then something clicked. When we talking inside my head, Spock had said he didn't feel love for me. But by the expression he directed at me in sickbay, he obviously felt lust. And I had a gut feeling that he was lying about the love part.

*That* was definitely different from what he felt for me before he married Jim.

Fascinating, as the green-blooded computer would say.

But where did that leave me?

Confused as hell and longing for something that, in all fairness, I couldn't ask them for. Sex was not a good enough reason to get entangled in a messy relationship. In fact, without love for both of them, it was the worst reason. Jim's escapades, and the fallout that usually occurred afterwards, proved that to me.

But even if I wanted to attempt a relationship, there were still major problems that would make the whole thing impossible. The biggest one being where we came from.

Three Vulcans may create a more stable bond than two, but what about two humans and a Vulcan? Humans are good at screwing up just about everything. We'd create more headaches for Spock than anything else, I was sure of it.

I paced and thought about the whole debacle some more, but I wasn't able to break the stalemate of wanting them in my bed and knowing it wasn't right of me to ask for it.

So once I wore myself out, I just let my thoughts go and went to sleep.

The next morning I took to avoiding my two friends again, instead spending the entire day in sickbay seeing to my patients and filing paperwork. I needed more time to think. I needed to figure out how to hide these feelings from them. That was a damned near impossible task, given that I was bonded to one of them, and at the moment, I had no shields.

So, of course, they knew at least some of what was going on inside my head. It must have bothered them, because they didn't even give me a day of peace before Spock chased after me.

"You are troubled, Leonard. Has our compromise not eased your worrying?" His tone was soft as he entered sickbay and headed straight for where I was sitting in my office. Luckily, it was Nurse Chapel's dinner hour, so I wouldn't have to worry about her curious looks through my office window.

Because I knew I couldn't avoid this conversation. But that doesn't mean I didn't try.

"It would if you actually taught me to shield so that the two of you couldn't read my mind!" I snapped angrily, trying to push him away mentally. But because of the lack of a direct connection between me and Spock, by pushing at him, I could feel that I was causing Jim pain. So I stopped immediately. Jim was on the bridge at the moment. I didn't want to cause a catastrophe by throwing a mental temper tantrum.

"I was planning to do so when our free time coincided." Spock stood in the doorway of my office and helds his hands out to me in a gesture of pleading. As he did, I could feel a shield go up between Jim and me. Spock was giving me some privacy. I stared at him, trying to figure out why. He just made completing whatever goal he had more difficult, because shielding me from Jim also shielded me from himself.

But, as stubborn as ever, the bastard just continued seeking answers in a more traditional manner. "But you chose to avoid us. Why?"

"I just needed time alone." I lied. "All of this has worn me out."

"Jim believes you are distraught." Spock watched me carefully, looking as worried about me as he ever has about his husband. "He would have come to see you, but I convinced him that I was the more logical choice."

"Why are you more logical?" I leaned back in my chair, trying to look casual.

Spock raised an eyebrow. I could tell he wasn't fooled by my act, but he let it pass for the moment. "You already hate me, Leonard. There would be no loss of friendship if you were to throw me out for trying to discover your ills."

I snorted, realizing that Spock was trying to put me at ease. And it worked, somewhat. In return, I got one of those non-smiles he often gave Jim. Strangely, that look worked even better. I didn't think anything Spock did could knock me off my guard, especially since we were always metaphorically stabbing each other in the back. But that sign of joy gentled me like a soft pat on a skittish colt.

Even odder, it made me want to stop fighting--him, Jim....and myself. They needed to know what was going on with me. Keeping the knowledge to myself would probably just make me miserable, anyway. "Ah, hell. It probably is better to tell you. At least I know you won't get mad at me, or try to tackle me to the floor," I sighed. Even though I knew he was willing to listen, I hesitated. Part of me was still scared of the feelings.

Spock examined my face carefully as I waited for him to react. What he saw must have worried him, because he coaxed me into telling. "If it concerns us, I cannot promise a completely objective opinion, but I can promise honesty."

I wondered how much guts it took him to admit that. I was pretty sure it was against Surak's code for a Vulcan to admit to being anything but icily neutral. But then again, he was married to one of the most polarizing people I knew.

So I let myself get sidetracked into a comment about our mutually favorite subject. "When Jim's involved, nobody can be objective. Don't let it bother you. He bats his eyelashes and half the universe comes running to do his bidding. Then the other half wants to kill him."

Spock shook his head as he realized I didn't really want to talk about what was bothering me. But the bastard had an ace up his sleeve that made my evasions moot. "I do not believe you wish to speak of Jim. Your tone suggests that what you wish to say concerns you and myself more than it does him. So I must inform you that he is not the only one who has usurped my objectivity."

Now *that* had me staring at him in shock.

As I tried to get over the bomb he dropped, the Vulcan took the opportunity to step further into my office, and close and lock the door. "Now how may I help you, my friend?"

His familiar tone threw me off even further. It was breaking the rules of the game we usually played. Where was his animosity? Or at least neutrality? I didn't know how to handle Spock when he was being friendly. Usually I was an observer of his charm, not the recipient.

So it took me a few minutes before I could gather myself enough to say, "I--I'm attracted to you."

That damned eyebrow of his shot straight up. "And this troubles you?" Strangely, his incredulity eased my fears. Now we were on more familiar ground.

So I reacted as if this were any 'normal' conversation between us. I told him the truth, but twisted it so it sounded like I was accusing him of causing it. "Damn right it does!" I nearly yelled. "It complicates everything! How the hell am I supposed to stay out of your heads if I want what you have?"

But he didn't take the bait. His tone was soft and actually cajoling as he said, "Perhaps you should reevaluate your emotions concerning myself, as you have your physical reactions."

Then Spock came at me with one more shocker. He leaned over my desk and kissed me.

Dear God, that kiss was hot. Literally. That damned Vulcan body heat of his scorched my tongue as we reached to trace the insides of the other's mouth.

It was also the most arousing thing I've felt in years. His lips caressed mine gently. His tongue whispered to me of further delights.

Hell, he had me moaning in five seconds flat. Then he heated me even further. He licked and stroked my mouth until I felt like I was about to melt into my chair. I wanted, no, I *needed* more.

But in the back of my mind, something felt wrong. I didn't know what it was or why, but the feeling was so strong that it practically had a life of its own.

So, with the last remaining thread of common sense I had, I yanked myself away from him. Gasping for air, I murmured, "We can't do this."

Spock was silent, eerily so. So, when I finally gained of my composure back, I looked up at him to make sure he was okay. I found him with a severely puzzled look on his face. It made his dark features look oddly menacing.

Even though we occasionally threatened each other in our bantering, I knew he would never hurt me, so I waited for him to sort out whatever was on his mind.

What he said confused me even more. "You are correct. If we were to continue, we would undo the bond's cohesion. I must find out the reason why." With that, he spun on his heel and marched out of my office...

Leaving me staring after him.

Once I could think straight, I found myself shaking my head at this latest predicament.

Had I heard him right? If so, their plan was just blown to hell.

There was no way I could save their bond by marrying them if kissing Spock was enough to destroy it!

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end part 2