LAst chapter was a bit emotional lol. Keep in mind that Kyle's not really in touch with his feelings. He has feelings and emotions, he just refused to show them, like when his mother died, he cried only once. He doens't let anybody see how broken he is, but with Brooke it's just too much for him. I would say he's to the point where he can't handle it anymore, like he's far worse than he was with Ally, which means he's pretty screwed up. So expect the chapters to be more emotinal and angsty.
So, onto Brooke lol. Geez, that girl is just so screwed up right now. She's sooo confused with her feeelings for LUcas and Kyle. So she's literally picking apart every single situation she's been in with both boys, which is gonna take her alot of thinking. And i agree with Mony, she is contradicting herself. I'm kinda making her like crazy beyond belief, like she can't see straight, everything's so messed up for her. She said she wasn't gonna give up on Kyle, but now she's with Lucas. I know it doens't sound like a good thing, and it isn't. But when she found out how LUcas felt, her feelings towards Lucas changed, or more like was brought to the surface again.
I'm planning on getting Kyle out of the mob thing soon, so sit tight !
Kyle kinda comes to a realization in this chapter. He knows that he can't keep waiting for Brooke anymore. Peyton asks Brooke some questions that get her thinking. Kyle and Nathan friendship. Breyton friendship.
ENJOY AND REVIEW!!!!
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There were no words to describe how Kyle was feeling. He couldn't explain it, or even decipher it. The only word he could describe how he felt at that moment was empty. LIke there was nothing left to him anymore. He had gotten hurt by Brooke, and now all hope for him to be happy was gone. He wasn't even sure if it was even there. He had went back to class, only to have Brooke come in two minutes later. She looked like she had been crying, but KYle couldn't let that bother him. He couldn't take back everything he said by just the sight of her. It didn't work that way, and it was going to.
Once again, Kyle found himself staring at the ceiling. It seemed like he was there everytime he got depressed or bummed out. He always found solace in his ceiling, only this time there was nothing that could comfort him at this time. Not even basketball, Nathan, nothing could pull him out of this hole he had unintentionally dug for himself. It was deep, it was wide, and from where he was now, it was impossible to ever get out of. The story of KYle's life really.
As much as he hated to admit or even think about it, Kyle hated Brooke at that moment. How could she turn around everything he ever told her, and tell him that he didn't want her? It didn't make sense in his mind, despite the scatter. If he could've had one thing in the world, it would be Brooke, and he thought she had known and believed him. He'd like to think she did, she was only angry at the time, but he didn't know that girl anymore. Once again, she was just another mystery that he would never figure out. Kyle wanted to call Brooke a condescending bitch, he hated her so much. He hated her, but he could never call her anything bad. He couldn't bring himself to do it, whihc just made him madder. Brooke was completely destroyed him, so much that there was nothing left anymore.
Another problem weighing on his mind was getting out of the mob business. It seemed like a chickeny thing to do. He wasn't even al lthe way in the organization, and he was already bailing. It wasn't that he didn't want to, he just didn't think he could handle it. The danger and everything else that came with it, he wans't sure if it wanted it. He didn't have to want it really, but he could do it anyway. With Brooke out of the way, that would leave him to do whatever he wanted, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to give up this dangerous life. He had read somewhere that a suffered man makes a great leader, and Kyle was seriously taking that quote to heart. It was possible that he could do it, there was nothing left for him in Tree Hill anymore. He could eaily move back to Virginia, and become the heartless mob boss that you see in movies. But it wouldn't be the same because no matter what, he'd still be empty. Characters don't know that, they think that the mro edangerous you get, that the pain will go away. But only the audience knows that it doesn't, right from the beginning. And the character only realizes it at the end, when they're on their deathbed, or just been shot in the chest or something.
Kyle knew tihngs wouldn't get easier for him, they never have. He wasn't even listening to his dad yelling at him when he got home, just mumbled a sorry and walked upstairs. He had been in the same positions for 3 hours, and he had yet to figure anything out. Kyle could say his mind was in the gutter, but that would be far from the truth. His mind was everywhere at the exact same time he couldn't decipher anything at the moment.He would think of something, which would lead to another thing, and then another, which would leave him completely away from what he was originially thinking about.
When it was all said and done, Kyle couldn't blame anybody but himself. He wish he would blame Brooke, it would probably be much easier, maybe the pain wouldn't be so hard. But at the end of the day, it was all on him and he knew that. He had made his bed, and now he must sleep in it. Kyle was hurt, but that was his fault one hundred percent, he had practically ripped his own heart out of his chest. There was nothing left for him to do, he had done a good job in screwing up his life single handedly. If he was still in Virginia, it woudn't have been lie this, it wouldve spared him all this trouble and confusion that was occurring in his life again and again.
Depression wasn't something that Kyle experienced often. The only time he ever really felt depressed was when his mother had died, but he was younger, so that was easy to move on from. It was his mom that had died, which made it painful but in a completely different way. She had taken care of him, she gave birt hto him, he would always have that maternal connection to her, wherever she was. But with Brooke, it was something completely different. He loved her, he was in love with her. When you love someone like that, it won't just go away in a few months or a year. If you truly love that person, it'll last a lifetime, no matter where you are. Kyle was afraid that he was in that position, that he could never get over her, even if he tried. Kyle didn't wanna stop loving her, but this dull pain in his heart just wouldn't go away as much as he wanted it to.
All these emotions were going through his body, and they were uncontrollable. He just wanted them to stop. Right now he's rather feel nothing. BUt nothing was a long shot away, because Kyle had successfully broken his own heart, and broken Brooke's.
"It's all my fault."
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"It's all my fault," Brooke mumbled to herself as she lay on her bed, staring at the her celiing. Her encoutner with Kyle had been less than successful. Instead it was absolutely horrible, and Brooke just wanted to curl up on a ball and die.
After Kyle had professed his absolute heartbreaking feelings, she had rushed to the bathroom. locked herself in a stall, and let the tears fall. She didn't force them, because then maybe she would be forcing her feelings out, feelings that she didn't feel. But the guilt and she love she felt, that was completely real. Which just made everything harder for her, for everyone.
Sometrimes she thought it would be easier to not love Kyle. She would just be with Lucas, and not have to worry about such strong feelings for someone else. But she quickly stopped herself. It was selfish of her to think that way, she didn't regret her feelings for him, she did anything but. Brooke held her feelings high in her heart, along with hers for Lucas. It was exhausting, loving two guys at the same time, emotionally and mentally. She got a migraine just thinking about it. She really had an effect on Kyle, one that she never knew she held. If only she had known sooner, she would've been more cautious in the first place.
Brooke's an impulsive talker, always has been, always will be. She's always had a hard time keeping her mouth shut, and sometimes she mouths off stuff that she doesn't mean. Which explained her little accusation earlier. She knew Kyle wanted to be with her, but he just couldn't. She understood it, but what she didn't understand was why he was so hurt about her being with Lucas. It shouldn't have come as a surprise to him. When she really thought about it, maybe he thought she led him on to thinking that she wouldnt be with anyone else if it wasn't him. At first Brooke felt the exact way, but Lucas's confessions and feelings had totally brought her back down to where she found her feelings for him again. It doesn't really seem right, for her feelings to change in less than 24 hours, but some things she can never explain, and this was one of those situations.
She didn't really pay attention when she heard her bedroom door open and close. She didn't really care who it was, even if it was a burglar about to kill her or something. Brooke lifted her eyes but all she saw was blonde, and that was enough for her.
"Feels like deja vu," Brooke said as Peyton plopped down on Rachel's bed.
"Yeaa kinda. But this time maybe it won't be so awkward."
"Well either way, i'm still thinking of the same thing i was the last time we were like this," Brooke said, sitting up, her elbows supporting her.
"Yeaa, i kinda figured something happened between you guys."
"Yup, something definitely happened," Brooke said quietly.
Peyton fidgeted. She only did that if she really wanted to say something, but wasn't sure if it was relevant, or if he was safe to say.
Brooke quirked her eyebrow, "Alright, let's hear it."
"No, you don't wanna--"
"Just tell me Peyt. I'm not gonna throw anything at you."
Peyton stood up and started pacing in front of her. Brooke could already tell whatever Peyton was gonna say would just make her decision even more harder. She thought it couldn't get anymore complicated, but she should've learned a long time ago not to assume that.
"It's just, what the hell are you doing Brooke?!?! You tell Kyle that you love him and wanna be with him. Hell, you even pursue him, and pull him in janitor closets! And then like after one day, you're bac kwith Lucas like nothing ever happened. Like he never tried to control you! Like you never felt anything for Kyle at all. Because if i were him, that's what i would be thinking right about now. The guy is totally in love with you, and i can't believe you would throw that all away," Peyton explained.
"Look, i know what you're saying. Believe me, i never expected to still be with Lucas right now. I was just saying the other day that if he didn't talk to me and apologize, then i was gonna break it off. But the other night, he came over and started actually telling me how he was feeling, everything. He said that it seemed like i didn't need him, like Kyle was all i needed, and that he felt threatened my Kyle. It was like our positions were completely switched around. He was finally feeling how i felt about you and him, and he was soo, honest with me that it made me remember what i saw in him in the first place. He promised that he would never hurt me again, and i actually believed him. I didn't expect to, but the sincerity in his voice just told me to believe him. But that doesn't erase my feelings for Kyle either. Gosh, Peyt i couldn't tell you the exact moment i realized i felt something for him, I guess it was always there, i just didn't see it. But he takes me to a place that's new, and that i feel safe, like i'm invincible, nothing can touch me. I've never felt that safe in my life, and he just gets me, he knows me more than anybody, maybe even you. And it kills me that he's hurting because of me, but i feel so trapped. There's some things going on with him, which is the reason why we cant be together, i don't know what he wants me to do thogh Peyt," Brooke explained helplessly.
Peyton paced some more, until she finally sat down.
"Okay, think about it for a second. When you were with Lucas before, he was always the one to save me, he would drop everything to come help me, no matter what. That's what Kyle's always done for you. In fact, i think he's was worse than Lucas ever was. He took care of you, even when you wouldn't remember it or thank him the next day, he did it regardless. It wasn't because he felt like he had to, but because he wanted to. Whne you think about it Brooke, Kyle's been there for all of it, he never stopped caring about you, or hurt you intentionally. I guess, if i was him, i would've felt cheated out of something that i've wanted for so long. Like to him, Lucas gives you one of his speeches, and you're all of a sudden supposed to melt in his arms, like everyting Kyle's done meant nothing?"
"That's the thing Peyt. Everything Kyle's done means the world to me, it's everything. I can never repay him for how much he's helped me, but i can't just turn off what i feel for one because of the other, i can't do that. I know that Lucas has made empty promises before, but i truly believe that he's telling the truth this time, i wouldn't doubt this, and you know me. If i wanna be with Kyle, i wanna have no regrets and vice versa. Oh, and yeaa, Kyle gave me one of his speeches also," Brooke mumbled.
"Really? What did he say?"
"Well, it wasn't really a speech, it was more of a rant actually. Gosh you should've seen him, he was so hurt. He told me that he couldn't sleep, and that it hurt him that i would think he didn't want me. He wants me to be happy, he told me to be with Lucas and have a life with him. But he said that no one would love me as much as he does."
"And you believe that?"
"Of course," Brooke nodded.
"Do you believe that LUcas loves you, and that he wouldn't do anything to hurt you?" PEyton asked again.
"Yup," Brooke said again.
"I really don't know what to tell you Brooke. But i believe in you, you'll figure it out. You know i'll support whoever it is," Peyton said, patting her leg and leaving.
"So is this your hobby now? You sweep in, give advice, adn then leave?" Brooke smirked.
PEyton laughed, "Yeaa it's pretty cool, way better than cheerleading."
"Thanks P. Sawyer."
"You can thank me by finding who it is."
"Any words of advice?" BRooke asked hopefully.
PEyton turned around, thinking about what she could say to the brunette. There were tons she could tell her, advice that she could give, but she knew it would only confused Brooke even more, and make her feelings alot harder to figure out.
Choosing her words carefully, Peyton said, "I can't give you advice, but i can give you some questions to think about. I think they really helped me when i was going through my feeling for Lucas and Jake."
"I'm listening," Brooke said, sitting completely up.
"Which guy, whne he looks at you, makes you feel like he can see everything, your soul, your heart, your mind. Which guy makes your heart beat so fast you feel like you're running a marathon, when your'e really standing still? Which guy makes your head spin by his very touch. Which guy makes you completely lose yourself with just one smile? Which guy makes your knees completely give out when he kissed you? And, which guy can you not live without? Whne you figure those out, you'll heart will know," Peyton winked before leaving.
Brooke sat there, contemplating the questions Peyton had just laid out for her. They all seemed really strong, like it took real soul searching to figure them out. Brooke needed that, but she was afraid of what she would find out if she actually did it. She loved both guys, but she knew that only one really had her heart, she just didn't know which one. If it was one, then it would break her heart to let the other go. It was all very stressful, but she had to do it, but not just for her, but for Lucas and Kyle.
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"Alright man, i've had enough of this," Nathan said as he barged into Kyle's room.
"Umm, did Deb ever teach you to knock?" Kyle grumbled sitting up.
"Nope, she was too high to remember. But Haley teached me a thing or two about manners," Nathna said matter of factly.
"Mmhmm, so she didn't teach you to knock before entering a room?"
"YEaa i knew that, but it's not like you would've answered anyway."
"Alright, nevermind. What are you doing here?"
"TO come get you. We're going down to the Rivercourt," Nathna said.
"Thanks but no thanks. I'm not up for basketball right now," Kyle said as he laid back down.
"Well i'm not up for your moping and whining. You're the one who told Brooke to go be with Lucas, isn't she just doing what you wanted?" NAthan asked.
"Yes, she's doing what i wanted. That's the problem," Kyle sighed.
"What problem?"
"I just figured she would've fought for me and not just settled for Lucas. I actually tricked myself into thinking i could play Brooke's game as my own," Kyle shrugged.
"Yeaa i know what you mean. When Haley left on tour, i figured she would come back, everything would be fine. BUt she didn't, it was liek she stopped caring. But i still don't get the game part. What game?"
"You know, BRooke's little game she had with Lucas beginning of senior year. The whole friends with benefits, to see if Luke would stick around, ebcause that meant that he really cared about her. That's kinda what i was trying to do. I thought that if i kept on pushing, she would push back. BUt i guess not," Kyle laughed bitterly.
"Do you think Brooke knows that?" NAtha asked.
"I don't know. We're not talking anymore, except for the conversation we had earlier today, and that didn't go over too good."
Nathan stood there staring at his friend. As much as he didn't wanna admit it, but Kyle was crap right now, for everybody. There was no getting hte guy out of this funk he set himself into. He didn't really know what to say to his friend, he knew firsthand that love could be beautiful and precious. But he also knew that it could hurt you mroe than anything, and that it could bring the strongest man to his knees.
"You remember that one time you broke your arm when you were 12?" Nathna aske,d out of the blue.
"Ummm, yeaa .. ?" Kyle answered, confused.
"You were so upset. Basketball season at the youth center just started, and you wouldn't be able to play for a whole month. And thne you found out that you couldn't play for another couple of weeks because you couldn't overdue it, and your arm would still be really stiff and sore," Nathan recalled.
"Yeaa i remmeber all of it. It was pissed," Kyle laughed.
"Yeaa you were. Even when you first broke it, you cried, probably the first time i've ever seen you cry so it must've been bad. Then you got embarassed that you were crying in front of your friends."
"What's your point?"
"ALright i'm getting there. After you got home from the emergency room, your mom said that she knew that it hurts alot right now, but it gets better, even though all the tylonel in the world cant help you right now. And then, when you get your cast off, you take it slow. You work through the pain, and then eventually you can take it. Then you're all better, there's no more pain, no more stiffness, and you can go on to beat all the boys on the team," Nathan recited.
"Yeaa i remember that. But what's the point in it?"
"Well, maybe you should use that advice in this situation now. I know it's not the same as breaking your arm, but give it a try. YOu're hurting now, and it seems like nothing can stop you from feeling it. But everyday it should get easier and easier to get up in the morning, and then you get better. Sometimes you feel like you can't do it anymore, but you go on anyway. Then, when you've healed, you can go on and be that great player and prove to everyone that you'll bounce back in the end, and that you're stronger," Nathan explained.
Kyle's eyebrows creased together, in deep thought. What Nathan was saying all made sense, but was he willing to move on from Brooke to get to that strong place he was once at? He could refuse to, and wallow in self pity for the rest of his life, but that was no way to live, not even for the most depressed person. As much as he loved Brooke and wanted to be that guy for her, he couldn't, beacuse he had other obligations, ones that she couldn't be in, ever. Yes, he was talking about the mob organization, but that wasn't gonna be an option for him anymore. He was gonna live his life the way he had planned, but he was just gonna have to do it without Brooke, as much as it killed him.
"You know i get what you're saying. I mean, i wanna have a successful life. I wanna play college basketball and get into the NBA. I want a wife and family, something to come home to. And as much as i want that with Brooke, i know i can't because i know that her heart isn't completely with me, or she hasn't figured it out yet. But i'm not gonna wait around, i can't becuse i'm just gonna get my hopes up, and then my heart's gonna break again, and i can't let that happen. So, you're right, i have to move on, and work through the pain," Kyle said determinedly.
"What about the mob thing?" Nathan asked.
"Not an option for me anymore. I thought i wanted it, but things change, and so do i. I don't know, deep down i know that's what my grandfather would've wanted, for me to take over the family business like a Giovanni, but that's just not me. Basketball is the one constant thing in my life, besides Brooke. And now i don't have her, but i still have basketball, and that's just gonna have to be enough for me i guess," Kyle said quietly.
"Kyle you're gonna find somebody else, i know it, even if it isn't Brooke. She's gonna be great, and she's gonna know she loves you, not think she does. I know it seems like a longshot from now on, but just take it one day at a time. Start today, let's go," Nathan said.
Kyle smirked, "Alright, but i must warn you, i suck. I haven't played since the accident."
"Hmm, that's probably why you've looked like crap since then," Nathan laughed.
"Come on, i can't have looked that bad," Kyle said as they walked out of the house, Nathan dribbling the ball.
"Actually you did. Me and you have breathed basketball as long as we can remember. It's like we have to have a ball in our hands at least once a day to get by. It's almost soothing even, playing basketball," Nathan explained.
"Yeaa it is. Like it takes all your problems away with just one shot," Kyle said.
If it were any other problem, maybe Kyle's problem would've already been forgotten. BUt Brooke wasn't a problem, and he didn't want what he felt for her to go away. He wanted it to stay in his heart for as long as he could. But, he had to move on. He couldn't wait around for Brooke forever, even though he was getting out of the business. Just because it wasn't gonna be dangerous anymore, didn't mean that Brooke would go be with him. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew Brooke flet something for Lucas, even love like she had said. And that's exactly why he couldn't be with her now that he was free. Kyle wasn't about to get his heart broken by her, because then he might not even be able to live through it.
"Still thinking about her huh?" Nathan asked as they walked onto the court.
"Yeaa, it's kinda hard to try to forget her yenno."
"Yea, she's a hard person to forget. BUt i'm not telling you to forget her, just try to live without her. I know it sounds like alot, but you can't keep on going on like tihs, it's not good at all. As much as it hurts, your'e gonna come out on top," Nathan said as he shot one up and made it.
"I know. I'll always love the girl, but i can't do this anymore with her. She won't admit it, but she still loves Lucas, and i'm not gonna compete with somebody for her," Kyle explained.
"Love's the greatest gift and the most painful suffering," Nathan said.
"Don't i know it," Kyle mumbled.
As mcuh as he didn't wanna admit it, Brooke had him, and probably would forever. He could graduate and never see her again. And ten years later, if she called him for help, no doubt in his mind he would come to her. It was that simple. Years and years could serperate himself from her, but just one call for help, he would come running back to her, just like he always did. To anyone else that would seem extremely pathetic, but if you really knew Kyle, you would feel honored. He didn't do that for just anybody, only the people he really cared about, and in Brooke's case, he really loved. Brooke had his soul and his heart, whether she knew it or not. Kyle wasn't sure if he had anything of her. One way love sucks, especially when you're on the giving end. He oculdn't really say Brooke dind't love him, because he would be lying. He was sure Brooke loved him, but he wasn't sure if she loved him enough to leave Lucas behind. Kyle had no doubt that LUcas was a good guy somewhere and apparently Brooke saw that. He didn't wanna see it, but it was right there infront of him.
So he would let Brooke be with Lucas, without any decisions to make, well, he hoped she wasn't making. He knew Lucas would take care of her, give her everything she wanted, maybe things Kyle couldn't give.
But he knew with just one plea, he would come back to her, just like that. No questions asked. That was how much power Brooke had, and it scared him.