Sorry for not updating recently. As some of you might have already known, I started a new fic, When the Smoke Settles. It's definitely different than the ones I've written, but it's a Brucas, and I know some of you are Brucas lovers, so check it out. Thanks for the reviews. Most of you liked the idea of having a sequel. At first I was a little but iffy on it because I didn't think there would be anything good going on other than the couple being a couple. But I came up w/ a few good ideas to add a little bit more to it. It's a relief for me that Brucas is now over last chapter lol. I didn't want to have them just break up and that be that. We all know that there's always going to be something about Brooke and Lucas, and I just didn't see it as a good thing to have them break up on a bad note. But don't worry, Brooke will be happy lol.
I have this really bad habit about saying something and then changing my mind, and I think this is one of those times, but I really need your guys' opinion. I know I said that Haley's birth wasn't going to be in here anymore, but it all depends on what you all say. Would you rather have Haley give birth, or just go ahead and have Brooke confess her feelings already? If you want Haley to give birth, I'm going to throw in an extra event, which has to do with Brooke, but it all depends on what you guys would want to read. If you don't want there to be a Haley hospital scene thing, then Brooke will have her embarassing speech at school or somewhere. Personally I could be okay w/ either one, but I'm also not a very decisive person, so give me an answer the next time you post a review. And I'm still getting answers on the sequel.
Also I'm working really hard to improve my spelling and stuff. This computer doesn't have spell check or anything, which kind of sucks, so I'm starting to proof read everything I write lol. It's kind of annoying, but it makes me feel better lol. So sorry if i might've missed some spelling.
I'm starting this new thing of putting lyrics before certain parts. I know it's a little late seeing as this story is ending soon, but it was something that I thought should be done, and I had a ton of songs that would fit well with what was going on. There's two songs in this chapter. The first one is Back Here by BBMak. The other is Stars and Boulevards by Augustana.
And like I said, I also have two fics out also, and they're both Brucas, so check them out. I'm glad that I've made some of you Brucas lovers like Bryle, but if you miss Brucas in the slightest, check out both my fics. Things We Never Thought is like Brucas fighting because they love and miss each other kinda thing. And When the Smoke Settles is kinda angsty. There's drugs and drinking, a lot of profanity, and things aren't really the same in the show. So if you like that kinda stuff check it out. Enjoy && Review!!!
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Chapter 44: When You're Not Here, You're Everywhere Else
Baby set me free, from this misery.
I can't take it no more.
Since you ran away, nothing's been the same
Don't know what I'm living for.
Cause here I am, so alone.
It had been 2 days, 43 minutes, and 37.3 seconds since she had last seen Kyle, heard his voice, and it sucked. Peyton had come over the next day, and they had talked about it all, but it didn't make it hurt any less and it didn't make it all feel better. It was this numbing pain in her heart, and that dropping feelings in the pit of her stomach. It was like she was on this scary roller coaster ride for two days straight.
Apart of her had even been angry at Kyle. It was like he was running away from it all, but in her heart she knew he was only doing what he thought was right, and most of the time he as right. But still, it made her upset. How could he do this to her? Make her seem so weak and fragile? That was definitely something Brooke prided herself of not being, but at this point she really couldn't help it. She felt obliged to drink, even go out to bars, like before. And before wasn't a good time for her, at all. Sure, it was fun, and it made the time pass by, but she was never happy, not when Kyle was gone.
In the midst of her misery, she remembered Lucas, but only for a slight moment. She hoped that he was getting on with his life, because of he were to come over and see her, who knows what she would do. She felt bad for breaking up with him, but she couldn't think of a better way. Lucas would always have a place in her heart, that was evident, but she just didn't love him anymore, and she didn't want to be with him. He understood, thankfully, and they all could move on. All she needed was to build up courage to actually face Kyle.
When they were talking, she felt so needy and just pathetic. It could've been those feelings, or it could've just been fear and guilt of what would happen between them. But either way they weren't good feelings. Sometimes she found herself thinking about just running away, from all of it. Maybe it would be easier to live her life, but she couldn't live like that without her friends, without him.
So for the past two days, Brooke resulted to sitting in her room, painting her toe nails over and over again, shutting off her phone, watching soap operas, oh yeah and crying. A lot. Almost everything she saw reminded her of Kyle, or something that happened between them like 5 years ago. Above that it was just weird how many memories she could remember in a place she'd only lived in for a few months.
Rachel was trying her best to get Brooke on her feet. She even laid off the slutty fat jokes, which was kind of a relief, because Brooke was eating like crazy. She always had this problem where when she was bored of sad, she would eat. So when high school came around, and looks were all a girl had, she went out all the time, joined cheerleading, and did other 'things' to stop her from stuffing her face. She didn't care this time. The ice cream was gone, and chips, cookies, and the beer were nowhere to be found. Rachel had resulted in calling her Brookie Monster.
Now she was on her back, staring at the ceiling, for about the fourth time that day. She wondered how they all got to this point. First there had been Haley and Nathan getting together, and they never thought things could get any crazier. Then came the love triangle that brought the town to its knees, and things were never the same. And after the sex tape Brooke was pretty convinced that she could never be friends with Peyton or Haley again, let alone give it another try with Lucas. But that had all happened and more. And for some reason she found herself not regretting anything.
All the pain, the lies, the secrets, Brooke wouldn't change anything that happened to her the past two years. The only thing she did regret was Kyle not coming back sooner. Maybe they would be together right now, but that was something that no one could ever know.
She was so deep in her thoughts that she didn't see or hear Peyton come in and sit on Rachel's bed. This had been a habit for both of them. Peyton would come see her during lunch, and they'd talk until she had to go back. Then after school Peyton would hang out with Jake and Jenny, and then come to her house and they'd hang out again. It was like that for the past two days, but to Brooke it seemed like they went over the same conversation over and over again.
"How's school going so far?" Brooke asked, eyes still glued to the ceiling.
Peyton shrugged, "Boring as usual. Turns out I didn't kick ass at my Chem. quiz. Everyone's kinda drifting around campus, nothing much happening."
"How's Lucas?" she asked.
"Hmm his usual brooding self. Everyone's been like that. Haley's still tutoring, Nathan's still, well, Nathan. Lucas is reading books and brooding..."
"And Kyle?" Brooke asked eagerly, resting on her elbows.
Peyton sighed, "Oddly enough I haven't really seen him all that much. I talked to him for a little bit yesterday, but other than that, he's barely there Brooke."
"Well it's his fault," Brooke said stubbornly, walking downstairs to the kitchen.
Peyton rolled her eyes and followed her. Personally she didn't understand why Brooke was moaning and groaning over this. All she really had to do was confess her love to Kyle, and all would be well. That is if she wanted him. And if she didn't, she wouldn't have to do anything. But Brooke was always a hard person to figure out. Peyton has known her for most of her life, and she still can't understand why Brooke does the things that she does.
"Brooke, come on, you can't be mad at him for trying to make things easier for you. And plus if you really did pick him then why the hell are you at home eating Ben & Jerry's?" Peyton asked, sitting down on the barstool in the kitchen, watching Brooke eat the pint of ice cream.
"Because, it's too soon. He won't believe me if I tell him now. And plus, I'm scared," Brooke said innocently, sucking on her spoon.
Peyton snorted, "Are you serious? Brooke you have no reason to be scared. Kyle loves you, and that's why he put aside what both of you want so you could figure out who you wanted with some space to sort it out. And what did you tell me he said?"
"That if he was the one, I'd know where to find him," Brooke recited, knowing where Peyton was going with this.
"Brooke you just have to trust him, right here, right now. I know it's not easy, giving your heart to someone never is, but you trusted him a long time ago, and I'm pretty sure you can trust him now."
"It's not that I don't trust him. I would trust Kyle with my life. It's just me being myself, being scared that I'm going to be this girl that needs him so much. It's one of the best feelings I've ever had, but it still scares the hell out of me," Brooke said frustratingly.
"There's nothing wrong with needing him. In fact it's a good thing that you need him so much. And seriously, has Kyle ever let you down?" Peyton asked.
"Well other than the time he slept with Rachel, no," Brooke sighed. "I didn't exactly handle that well either."
"That's why you guys belong together. Sure, you make mistakes, and he forgives you and even helps you fix it. He makes mistakes, and he lets you chew him out, sometimes for no reason, and it's because he loves you, and that's why he puts up with you in the first place."
Brooke glared at Peyton, but she was right. You had to be a really strong willed guy to stay with her, and you really had to love her to keep Brooke Davis. Kyle was that guy, and she loved him being that guy.
"Okay we already know that Kyle's perfect in like, everyway. But what about me Peyt? We all know how screwed up and difficult I can be, and I admit it. It's who I am and I don't think I'll ever change completely. What if he can't handle it? What if one day he wakes up and hears me bitching about something, and decides that this isn't worth it?"
Peyton rolled her eyes again, "Oh my God Brooke! Dude, Kyle would've dropped you a long time ago if that was the case. He's been right in front of your snotty nose the whole freaking time, neither of you saw it! He's done so much for you, including getting his ass shot at."
"I know all these things, and I want to be able to completely just tell him how I feel, I really do. But there's just something inside me that just doesn't want to be like that, to feel that way again. I don't know if it's because of my history with Lucas, or if it's just me, but it's kicking my ass right now," Brooke groaned.
Peyton sighed. It was obvious Brooke needed to figure this out on her own. She was hoping to throw in some words of wisdom, but she should've known better. Brooke thought better on her own, without people hounding her over stuff like this. Brooke was smart, and she knew her heart, it would just take time for her heart to figure out what it wanted.
--
So I told you lies, even made you cry.
Baby I was so wrong.
Girl I promise you, now my love is true.
This is where my heart belongs.
Cause here I am, so alone.
And there's nothing in this world I can do.
Ever since his accident and the EBC tournament, Kyle hadn't thought much about basketball, at all really. What with Brooke's accident, and everything else, basketball hadn't really been on his mind in a long time. This was definitely a first for him. There was a time when he loved nothing better than the game. It was what he got up in the morning for, working hard everyday to improve in every single way.
Standing at the Rivercourt, watching the ball sink through the hoop, Kyle got that adrenaline rushing, that familiar feeling. The feeling of pressure, all the time, every time. The game had been one thing in his life that he knew would never give out on him. Brooke being the second, but he kind of felt different about his priorities now.
He didn't want to sound cocky or nothing, but he already had a spot ready for him in the fall, why would he want to concentrate on it now, when he had so much going through his mind? Nathan had gotten an offer also, so they would both be playing at Duke together, which was a relief. But ever since the last game, all his focus has been towards Brooke or the organization. It had been an interesting experience, and it had taught him a lot. Not just about guns but about loyalty. It also brought him closer to his family.
Now that part of his life was over with, there was still Brooke. If anything she was definitely a constant in his life. They hadn't talked in two years, but not a day went by when he didn't miss her or want to call her. And now that he was back in Tree Hill, it never occurred to him that he and Brooke could ever be anything more than friends. But he had lied to himself, to Brooke, to everybody else that made him doubt his relationship with Brooke. He made her cry, hurting her but no intentionally, but never the less, he had hurt her.
And now he was alone, which was something he had feared ever since he realized his feelings for Brooke. Right after he left, Kyle felt like an idiot, leaving her alone to herself. Brooke was the strongest person he had ever met in his life, and she could be thrown off, but she would get back up again. But Brooke was her own worst enemy, and sometimes that's the worst enemy someone could have. He didn't want her going back to before, and he definitely didn't want to be the reason, again.
At school he tried to concentrate, do something that made the day go by faster, but nothing worked. It never did. He felt like he was just there. Everything was calm, and just completely dull. Brooke was a social butterfly, and without her there was no will to gossip, to words to verbally attack somebody, and definitely not the energy to act like you were just fine.
He had been at his locker when he heard that Brooke had broken up with Lucas. It was kind of shocking, but he didn't show it. He didn't expect Brooke to break up with Lucas so soon, the same day he had talked to her. At some point it made him a bit happy, to have Brooke single and open minded now. But still, she was unpredictable, that was for sure. And he was still kind of pissed at her during the whole week.
He really didn't want to be this mad at her, but he couldn't help but wonder how long she had been clueless as to what she even wanted. He didn't even think she knew if she loved either of them at all. He was a mix of mad and hurt, and sure, he loved Brooke, but that didn't mean she wouldn't disappoint him at times. That was something he was willing to work through, if that's what she wanted. But like he's known for a long time, you never know with Brooke.
Usually basketball would've calmed his nerves by now, somehow made it more bearable, but all it did was make him nervous and just reminded him of what he got himself into. Most guys wouldn't even stick around long enough to get to this point. They would want Brooke Davis; try to woo her by buying her nice gifts, being direct. And if Brooke didn't give it up by then, eventually they would go away and find a girl who would.
Back then Kyle didn't even have to try to win a girl over. They just all came to him, wanting to be seen with a basketball player was enough for a chick. And like a normal high school boy, Kyle took advantage of that, and became a serious player alongside Nathan. It worked for awhile, having two different kinds if personalities. One, being the asshole jock that got whatever he wanted, no matter what. And then there was the real him, the one who always wanted to do the right thing. And looking at where he was at now, he wasn't sure which was better.
He glanced over his shoulder and saw Nathan's car pull up along the grass. He laughed to himself. Somehow, no matter what, Nathan would always miraculously show up whenever Kyle was doing thinking. He wasn't sure how it always happened, but it was every single time. Even when he didn't even want to talk to anybody, Nathan would show up at his house and there was no getting him to leave. Sometimes it was helpful, and other times it made him realize how much he had to do to get Brooke. He was always a help, which was a good thing because half of the time Kyle had no idea what he was doing.
Nathan obviously found which personality was better for him, but it was better for everybody really. It wasn't always easy, that was for sure, but somehow him and Haley managed to get that familiar they always wanted. Sure, it took rock tours and controlling fathers, but they got there in the end. Not that many people find their soul mate when they're 16 years old anyway, but they did.
"When's the last time you've actually played?" Nathan asked, coming up with his basketball.
"Honestly? I have no idea. I haven't even thought about basketball," Kyle said as he held the ball in his hands.
Nathan nodded, "Yeah, it's easy to forget about it when you have all this other stuff going on. I haven't played in awhile either. I guess we should though, we're going to be playing again in like 4 months."
"Yeah I was just thinking about that. I guess I don't get as much out of basketball as I did before. I still love the game and all, but it's different now."
"I know what you mean. Back before I met Haley and everything, basketball was everything to me, it was all I had. Now our priorities are completely different now. There are all these other things that can mean more to you. Doesn't make you love the sport less, it just takes a backseat to everything else," Nathan said, dribbling the ball between his legs.
Kyle laughed, "How can you be able to relate to every single thing I tell you? This happens way too often."
"Yeah I know. But seriously, I've been through all this like last year, of course I would know."
"So, how's Lucas? I heard Brooke broke up with him," Kyle mentioned, sitting down on the bench.
"Who hasn't heard of that, that's all that people are talking about. But yeah, he's taking it the way he always does. Brooding."
"That's what I figured. I bet Brooke will be happy that people are still talking about her."
"Doesn't matter what they're saying, as long as she's not forgotten," Nathan agreed.
"This is like the second time I've felt like I don't know what's going to happen for me and Brooke. And right now it's all up to her, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing," Kyle laughed, looking out into the sunset.
"You never know with that girl. But like I've been saying this whole damn time, you just have to give her time, a lot of it."
"Which is what I'm doing. But just waiting is getting on my last nerve. I don't even know if she's thinking about it at all."
"Well she's got to be thinking about it, she broke up with Lucas didn't she?" Nathan asked.
"Yeah, but it's been like two days already and I haven't heard zilch!" Kyle complained.
"And you expected her to be talking to you yesterday? Dude, you actually sat down and told her and you were going to stay away while she figures this out, which means that it's going to take awhile for her to figure it all out. You just need to be patient and wait. Don't let your frustrations chase her away," Nathan warned.
"I would tell you to mind your own business, but I kind of need you to tell me when to cool it or not."
"That's what I'm here for," Nathan smirked, getting up and walking towards his car. "Oh by the way, the reason I came here was to ask you if you wanted to have dinner tonight, in like an hour. Haley sent me out."
"Aww ain't that cute? But yeah man, I'll be there. It's macaroni and cheese right?" Kyle asked.
"Duhh man," Nathan said, rolling his eyes.
"Count me in. See you there," Kyle said, getting up also and walking to his parked car.
--
Throughout this whole ordeal, Haley found it in her best interest to just stay out of it for as long as possible. She had experienced what happened when other people threw their two cents in and got involved, and she didn't appreciate it then and she sure didn't like it now. So, she stay in the backseat, watching and hearing whatever happened, rooting silently to herself and the little one she held in her womb.
But it had been months since this situation started, and Haley was feeling pretty good about herself for not saying anything to Brooke or Kyle, until the other day. She didn't mean to throw in what she thought, but he was basically asking her for advice, and when has she not thrown in her smarts for something? And now she was feelings really nosy and really, Tutorgirl-ish.
So what did she do? She asked Lucas to drive her to Brooke's, formally known as Rachel's, but now she referred it to Brooke's now. Haley realized how awkward this might be for Lucas, because let's face it, he was probably going to be something they were going to talk about. But Haley hadn't really had a heart to heart talk with Brooke since they've been friends, and with all that's happened lately, she needed it.
"Thanks for driving me Luke, I know it's not easy," Haley said as she unbuckled her seat belt.
"It's not a problem Hales," Lucas said unsuccessfully.
"Don't brood so much over it this time. It'll get better, I promise," Haley said before shutting the door. She knew Lucas didn't believe her, because she knew how much he was hurting over this. But at this point he needed all the encouragement he could get from the way things were going now.
"I'll believe it when I feel it Hales," Lucas said glumly. Sure, he knew he and Brooke would remain friends, but it was still a huge realization for him, and he found no point in acting like it wasn't.
Haley smiled sadly at her best friend. She said no more. Mainly because she didn't want to make Lucas feel more pathetic, and another because he obviously wasn't taking any advice seriously at the moment.
Ringing the doorbell, Haley felt kind of bad that she had just visited. Brooke had been in the hospital, and then it had been 2 days since she had been home, and there was no visit from Tutorgirl. Of course it wasn't intentional, Haley wanted to visit one of her best friends. But with everything that's been going on in the small town, there always came a time when you just needed to chill out from everybody.
"Tutorgirl!!!" Brooke exclaimed as she let Haley through the door.
"Hey Tigger, how have you been feeling?" Haley asked as she waddled and sat down on the comfy couch in the living room. For the most part Brooke looked put together, other than the fact that she was in her pajamas.
"Ehh same old, the medication seems to be working, so I don't have to worry about pain or anything. And how's little Tutorababy?" Brooke asked, coming out of the kitchen with a glass of water.
"I feel like I'm about to pop any minute, seriously. I can't for this baby to come out," Haley said desperately.
"I bet. So, as much as I love to be updated on Tutorbaby, I know that's not the reason you're here," Brooke said knowingly. She knew exactly why Haley was here, and half of it was to see how she was doing being home, and that was already said and done.
"Yeah, I guess you're kind of used to this by now," Haley grimaced.
"You're right, I am, but since I haven't talked to you in forever, I guess I won't have to throw you out," she smirked.
"So, I heard all about this 'no friends until you figure out what you want thing' from Nathan, and I know for a fact that you can't be happy about it," Haley started.
Brooke nodded, "Yeah you're right. I wasn't happy when I heard it, and I'm still not. But I know that Kyle did what he thought would help me, and so far it has been. Not talking or seeing Lucas and Kyle has helped me kind of, see things clearly now. So yeah, I'm still pissed about it all, but I know it was the right thing."
"Wait, so you haven't figured out if it's Kyle or Lucas. I mean, I figured since you broke up with Lucas you might have already decided...?" Haley asked, confused.
"No you're right," Brooke interrupted. "It's Kyle, I know it is. I just can't bring myself to even tell him you know? And the fact that I'm scared."
"Scared?" Haley asked again. She'd known Brooke long enough to not completely understand what the girl was thinking, and this just happened to be one of those times.
"Yeah scared," Brooke said, nudging her. "You know what it's like Haley, wanting to give all of yourself to someone, but being scared about what will happen. And Kyle himself, he scares me so much because I can honestly say that he's not going to hurt me."
"Then what's the problem? Why does Kyle scare you so much?"
"Because what if I hurt him? Or what if one day he gets tired of dealing with me. Haley you know me, and I'm not exactly an easy person. What if one day he gets tired of having to be there for me, what if he just gets so exhausted with me that he leaves?"
Haley nodded, "That's funny, because I was asking myself the same exact thing not too long ago, except the whole easy person thing. I mean, Nathan could have any girl he wanted, one without the belief of sex after marriage, someone who wasn't Tutorgirl. I mean, I'm not spontaneous, I overanalyze everything, I tutor students, basically a nerd. I wondered what if one day he realizes that he couldn't do this whole happy marriage, boring life?"
"And what did you realize?" Brooke asked, mesmerized by Haley's soon to be answer.
She shrugged, "I realized that Nathan loved me, and he promised me to never let me go, and I let myself believe him. He lets me down, and sometimes he's an ass, but I love him anyway, and at the end of the day that's enough for me. And if you love Kyle like he loves you, you won't let each other go either."
"He said that he loved me, and that he would be there when I found my answer. But I think he's still mad at me despite all the things he said. I mean, I would be too. Which is another fear I have, just the fact that he's mad at me. Kyle has this whole 'slow to anger, rich in kindness' thing, and it takes alot to get him mad or upset, and I did that," Brooke explained.
"Sure, he might be mad at you, but if he wasn't living on the edge at the moment, wondering every minute what you were thinking, then maybe he might not be as mad, or at all. You already know where your heart is, you just have to give it to him," Haley said simply.
"Easier said than done Tutorgirl. First I have to figure out what the hell I'm going to say, and for the first time ever I have no idea what I'm going to tell him."
"Well, there's a first for everything. But you won't know until you're right in front of him, you'll find the words," Haley said, opening her vibrating cell phone. She scanned the screen and then flipped it shut.
"I hope so. Who's that?" Brooke asked, seeing Haley roll over to get up.
"Nathan, he's parked outside right now. It's macaroni and cheese night," she said, rolling her eyes.
"Did he drive you here? He could've came inside if he did," Brooke said as she walked Haley to the door.
"Uhh that's not important," Haley said dismissively. "So when are you coming back to school?"
Brooke shrugged, "Whenever I feel like it I guess. But I guess either Friday or Monday."
"Alright, hopefully you'll know what to say by then," Haley said, giving Brooke a quick hug.
"I hope so," Brooke said honestly.
Closing the door behind her, she dropped the hopeful smile from her face. Brooke tied her hair up into a messy bun and strode into the kitchen. Ducking her head, she retrieved what she needed, grabbed a glass from the cabinet, and made her way upstairs. All this faking was making her a little stressed.
--
Wait, dear.
A white horse is walking down my street, here.
Your words are creeping at my feet, I fear.
That sunrise will come too soon and you'll disappear.
To the haze of the city and yourself.
Ever since his dad had found the hobby of golfing, he hadn't really been around much. There for breakfast and home just in time for dinner. Kyle didn't really understand how you could play golf all day, but at least he was living at home. So that was why the lights were out and the house was empty.
Which kind of resembled Kyle right now. He was empty inside, the air was suffocating him. He was simply getting through the day with no purpose except to live. Apart of him wanted to just run himself into a brick wall and try to snap out of the madness he had consumed himself in.
And when he wasn't wishing that, he was wondering what Brooke was doing, if she was thinking of him, because he sure as hell was thinking about her, alot. Not even basketball could rid him of Brooke dreaming, as he liked to call it. It was a part of his mind when he could just silently drown himself in every single image of Brooke. A place that was untouched, unknown, and unreal. That was the sucky part.
Apart of him just wanted to wip out his phone and call Brooke, not even to talk, just to hear her voice. But then the other part of him wanted to just drive as far away from her as possible. And, like all the other times, Kyle didn't know which was better.
If someone were to ask him the situation between him and Brooke, he would laugh in your face because their situation was confusing beyond words. Not even Kyle himself could understand it as much as he wanted to. It was a sticky situation, and a very, very complicated one. He couldn't find words to describe what him and Brooke were, and there probably weren't any. Kyle knew that no one could ever understand what was going on, but that was what he was counting on. Because maybe if no one understood, Kyle could stop feeling so insanely stupid for letting her wander off to float in her own mind.
Nathan, Peyton, even Haley could tell him that everything would work out, but he wanted so badly for them to work out right now. At this very moment, so he didn't feel like he was getting rammed in the chest with a bat over and over again. He could easily relieve the pain, it was only a five minute drive away, a 20 second walk, and all would be well. But they wouldn't be, because he would still be in the same exact place of mind he had been in all week.
Kyle had no doubt in his mind that he was in love with Brooke. Like deep, miserable love that he had never felt so strongly in his life. Just thinking about her gave him goose bumps and made his eyes sting. He would smile slightly, basking in the feeling that just her name brought to his senses, and for just a minute, he felt like she was already his. Like he had won the fight over her heart, and now he was just enjoying it.
But reality was a bitch, and so was Kyle's life.
--
Look out.
They're coming after us with big guns.
They're only going to tell you all the bad things I've done.
And even if the words they say aren't true, they're won.
Now I'm left here dying in the sun.
"Good job Brooke. You should become an actress or something. Screw life in the fashion world. You could be the next soap star or something," Brooke mumbled to herself as she sat on her bed with a glass of Coke with rum and watched Jason talking to Carly during visiting hours in Pentenville.
For a moment Brooke wanted to give herself a pat on the back. She hoped Haley had bought her whole 'just trying to get by' stance, but it wasn't completely an act, honestly. She was just trying to get by, but not in a really good way. Unless you thought of staying locked up in your room in a catatonic state, watching SoapNet a way of dealing with herself, then sure, think of it that way.
In all truth matters, she was a mess. She looked put together, and when there were the occasional visitors, she even acted like she was miserable in a safe way. But a lot of people had under estimated her in her life, and this wasn't an exception. They hadn't under estimated her, but over estimated her.
Because that's what Brooke Davis did. She did the exact opposite, doing the lesser thing that people wanted of her, not wanting to deal with the trouble of being good. Never in her life had she had to answer to anybody, or try to make someone proud. That had changed for the better at first, and then it got to the point where if she didn't act put together and strong, then she wasn't herself. Which required somebody to be there for her, something that she really didn't want at the moment. With one person as an exception.
For a good part of her life, Brooke lived on the wild side. She believed to live in the moment at all times with no regrets and no looking towards the future. And for awhile it worked out great for her, but she was never herself, it was never something she wanted all the time, her whole life.
The main reason she acted like that and followed her belief, was so maybe that could excuse the fact that she screwed up more than a person should. She slept around, drank alot, studying wasn't an option, and she just thought she was having fun and living her life. People knew of the things she'd, done, or more, the guys. She had done so much more things, not even Peyton knew about, and she was driving to keep it that way. Because maybe then she wouldn't be looked at like a slut once again.
Brooke screwed up, alot. And sometimes she didn't always feel guilty about it, and that was the worst feeling. Knowing that you were nothing more than people thought of you, and being okay with that. She had no idea why she was revisting old times and her past self, but she couldn't help it because she couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if she could be that girl one more time.
But first, she saw her cell phone laying next to her, practically begging her to call Kyle. She wanted to, so bad. But she had heard very clearly that it wasn't something she was supposed to do. But when had Brooke Davis ever done what she was told? She only wanted to hear his voice.
Picking up the phone, she scrolled through her contacts and pressed Send on Kyle's highlighted name. Holding the phone to her hear, she felt her palms begin to sweat, and her heart beating faster by the minute. Then after, she would dress as slutty as she could find, and go out.
"Just for a couple of hours," Brooke said quietly to herself.
--
Late nights.
Won't do me justice, when I drink, I
Just get so damned depressed and it's, it's not like
I ain't trying to get over you
It's just hard to look at all the seasons pass me all the time.
Most people drank to forget. And others just drank to not feel anything, to have some fun within their boring day lives. They're all just trying to find some stability, or control over something that they can't get anywhere else than from a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Kyle drank when he was mad. He drank to remember, to wallow, but instead of moping, he was more depressed than ever. It was a shame really, because he was wasting a good bottle of alcohol to nothing. He was drinking just to drink tonight. He didn't know if he wanted to forget his pathetic heart or to find some way to relinquish himself from all these built up feelings that had been seeping out of him all week.
He was mad, sad, pissed, depressed, but most of all he was tired. Tired of all of it. He was tired of all the things that had happened to him for the past months. It was like he'd been awake the whole time, and never once closed his eyes to sleep. He was exhausted of all the pain and the confusion shooting at him like daggers time and time again. He was tired of not being able to be with Brooke.
And he was tired of acting like everything would be okay. To everyone else, they were friends trying to get their friends out of a slump. But they didn't know, they didn't understand, and Kyle sure as hell wouldn't want them to understand, because no one should experience it. No one would want to. He acted sad but hopeful, happy but bothered, but he knew in his mind that he was anything but that. He just didn't know, and that was the worst feeling.
He knew he had school tomorrow, and frankly he didn't care. Right now skipping tomorrow and just sleeping through his hang over sounded pretty good to him. But anything sounded good to him rather than this stoop he had settled himself on for Lord knows how long.
He heard his cell phone ring from inside his pocket, the noise faint from the closed pact inside his backpocket. Kyle considered not answering it, but maybe if he did, he would snap out of the miserable woes and just get on with his life, or at least through the night.
Pulling it out of his pocket, not even bothering to see who it was, he flicked it open and held it to his ear.
"Hello?" He said, not wanting to deal with whoever it was, but needing them to assist himself in getting through his drunken stupor. He frowned when he heard no reply from the other end. He continued to say 'hello?' over and over again, becoming agitated with himself. Half because no one was answering, and another being because he wanted to talk to someone, talk about anything to drive away his thoughts about his own pathetic life.
Then he heard something, or more a someone. He heard a faint sniffle, no doubt a girl, and then a gulp followed by heavy breathing on the other end. And then he froze, and like he was in a trance, took the phone away from his ear and looked at the screen.
"Brooke." He knew it was her. He felt her presence, and he knew her voice, every single noise she ever makes was etched into his ear drum, including when she was crying. It only took him a moment to realize his fear was confirmed.
Brooke was about a second close to hanging up, getting dressed up, and going down to some bar. Then she would drink until she couldn't see straight, and some guy would pick her up and they'd have sex. And then in the morning Brooke would be scared and feel dirty, and he couldn't be there for her. Which was why she was calling him.
Sometimes it scared him how much he knew her, in every way possible. He had to be that guy that could get her to stop, and even though he wasn't supposed to be that guy for the time being, desperate times called for desperate measures.
Checking to make sure she was still on the line, and that he wasn't going to be talking to himself, Kyle softly spoke into the phone, "Brooke, don't," he started, "Don't do what I know you're going to do. Please, just take your medicine, and go to bed. Don't go out and get wasted, okay, that's not who you are, you're better than that. And I know you're scared and you feel alone, but this isn't a way to feel better, it's gonna make you feel worse, you know that. So just, please, just go to bed."
--
One last.
Phone call from you it wouldn't hurt, much.
I'd just like to hear your voice and pretend to touch.
Any inch of you that hasn't said it all or read it all.
She didn't mean to make any noise what so ever when he picked up. But just hearing her voice brought relief and calmness over her. Like she really was living, not locked up in the house, hoping that she could hear him.
At first he didn't sound so good. Kind of groggy, out of place, but it was kind of late. She felt bad, but not bad enough to hang up and let him get back to whatever he was doing. He continued to speak into the phone, becoming impatient and kind of irritated. Throughout the whole call, silent tears had fallen down her porcelein cheeks until she couldn't stand it anymore, and she just had to breathe.
When he said her name she held her breath. It was one thing hearing him speak, it was another hearing him saying her name. He didn't ask if it was her, it was more of a statement than a question. Of course he knew it was her. Only Brooke would be calling him at night crying into the phone.
Then he began pleading for her not to go out and get drunk, like he knew she had planned. She was taken aback, surprised and comforted, knowing that Kyle knew her so well. And in some way she was glad he had known, because who knows what she would've done if he hadn't.
He just sounded so sad that a fresh new batch of tears came down her cheeks, mascara staining them like they had so many times before. He repeated for her to go to bed, and she knew she would do it because that's what he wanted. And deep down in her screwed up mind, that's what she wanted too. She wanted him to save her, just like he had so many times before. But this time he wasn't supposed to be saving her, but he was.
She closed her eyes shut, trying to imagine him there with her, telling her to stop what he knew she was about to do. Trying to imagine his arms around her, telling her she was better than this. If she kept it in her mind long enough, maybe she would actually believe it.
Reluctantly, she flipped her phone shut, and forcefully she threw her phone with all her might against the wall, the noise heard throughout the house. Leaping up and rummaging through her backpack, Brooke sound her notebook and pulled it open to a fresh new page.
She didn't want to act like Kyle was dead or something, but he might as well have been. And she had heard and seen from Peyton and Haley, the best ways to getting through something was to write about it. Everything you were feeling, and everything you wished hadn't happened, and what you wanted to happen. If she was gonna do this, she was gonna do it the hard and better way. Screw the easy way, she'd done it all her life and it didn't really help her. Plus, she didn't want to go out anyway.
Just like everyone had been telling her, Brooke needed time, that was evident. She wasn't sure how long or what would come out of it, but she knew that's what she needed. It pained her more than anything to be away from Kyle, isolated from him, and tonight was single proof of that. She'd been taken to a place she hadn't visited in a long time, and she couldn't say she missed it.