Alright so I must admit that last chapter was definitely not my best. I was kind of short throughout the whole thing, and I understand if it was kind of confusing, but I meant to make it like that because I think that love isn't easy, and with Brooke and Kyle's situation it's definitely going to be harder to understand. But thanks for the two reviews I got. I'm just going to act like you guys forgot or missed it or something.
I know some of the are frustrated that they haven't just goten together already. And sorry for some of you, but no they're not getting back together in the next chapter, but i'll explain all about that in a moment. Believe me, I would love nothing more than to just have the story lined up and have them just get together, but it doesn't work that way. I said wayyy back from the beginning that it's going to be a very long and slow process, so sorry for those who didn't read it the first time i said it.
Moving on. So I've decided that I'm going to break down the ending into like three chapters, mainly because I want to kind of resolve everything that needs to be done before I end it completely.. But don't be sad, like I've been saying in the previous AN's, I'm going to be making a sequel, so don't freak out or anything. I've already got some great ideas lined up. It's not always going to be peachy keen with them, especially now that they're in college and have to deal with all the downsides that come with being young and in love.
So this chapter isn't part of the ending, it's just kind of the last day before chaos I guess lol. The next three chapters might not be as long as they usually are, just because I want to kind of expand them out so they're all even. This is kind of the same thing happening, alot of talks and just Brooke trying to figure herself out as well as Kyle. Don't worry, this will be the last of the confusing self analyzing chapters lol. Enjoy and Review!!!
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Chapter 47: Nothing's Changed, I Still Love You
Was it ever possible to hate someone with a passion, but love them just as much? Could you be in love with someone that you wanted to strangle? Could you even be happy with someone that you wanted to knock over the head with a bowling pin? Was it even worth going through so much time and energy with someone, only to feel like you did it for nothing?
The more Brooke asked herself those questions, the more complicated it got to answering them. She had gone through her whole conversation with Kyle for the past two days, and she still didn't know if she should keep on figuring herself out. And who said Kyle would even believe her if she said she wanted him? She was starting to second guess the male complexity rate, because Kyle's rate was going through the roof.
"Okay now it's really starting to feel like deja vu," Peyton commented as she walked into Brooke's room and sat on Rachel's bed, with Brooke on hers, laying on her back.
"Yeah well I think I have some kind of right to stare at my ceiling, maybe then I'll find my answers," Brooke said dazed.
"It working any?" Peyton asked, sitting cross legged. "By the way, where has Rachel been lately? I mean, I see her at school, but whenever I come over she's not here."
Brooke sat up on her elbows, "Oh you know Rachel, trying to scrape up any assignments last minute. Now she's saying she wants to graduate."
Truthfully, Rachel would go to school in the mornings, then go to counceling everyday after, then come home late. Personally Brooke didn't find anything wrong with letting people know that she was trying to be a better person, but it was Rachel's business, and Brooke wasn't going to say anything.
"Hmm, that explains it I guess. So, did I miss anything since like, the other day?" Peyton asked. She had been working at Tric, helping Karen out now that she could officially waddle. Plus there had been the Jake and Jenny time, and Brooke didn't want to interfere with that.
"Kyle didn't tell you?" Brooke asked, suddenly confused. Kyle and Peyton were pretty good friends, she would've thought he had confided in the blonde already, but that was apparent. He hadn't.
"Umm, tell me what?" Peyton asked, eager to know what had happened that she obviously didn't know about.
"Well, we kind of ran into each other, and had this big fight," Brooke said, playing with the tips of her hair.
Peyton's eyes widened, "Dude! How the hell could you not tell me about this?!?"
Brooke shrugged, "I don't know. I guess I didn't want to make it sound like a bigger deal than it was. BUt I guess I was just fooling myself once again."
Peyton winced, even afraid to ask. "So, what did happen with you and Kyle?"
Brooke sighed, "Alright, so I was at my locker, kind of late for second period, but who cares about that anyway. I guess Kyle didn't want to run into me, so he went to the gym, and then came back to his locker, to try to avoid me. Unfortunately for him, he didn't. I was a little upset anyway because I couldn't talk to him, so I yelled at him just as he turned to leave. I don't know why, I was just so mad at him for just walking away from me like that. Then it turned into this huge thing, and then he mentioned that stupid freaking paper, which just made thigns worse, and I just don't know where we stand right now."
"So, he just walked away when he saw you?" Peyton asked, finding it hard to believe that Kyle would do something like that.
"Yup, he had that 'deer in headlights' look, then just kind of turned around the walked where he came from," Brooke answered.
Peyton's eyebrows knit together, "That doesn't sound like him. There's gotta be something bothering him to make him do that."
"Yeah, that paper. Peyt he just can't seem to let it go, and I don't even think he knows why."
"Brooke he's probably just scared of what you said in that thing. I mean, it's not like you and Lucas had this meaningless relationship. It was real, whether Kyle likes it or not. He's probably just freaking out, afraid that he might not be able to reach those standards," Peyton explained.
"But I broke up with Lucas already. If he doesn't get that me and Lucas are over, what else is there to make him see that?"
"It's not that hard B.Davis, he's just insecure," Peyton said, trying to get it through her head.
Brooke laughed, "Peyton, Kyle's not insecure. He can't be. He's Kyle. He has absolutely nothing to feel insecure about. It just doesn't make sense."
"Probably not, but that's the case. He wants to make you happier than Lucas could ever do, and he's just freaked out because he doesn't want to be another guy that let you down. It's not that hard to understand. You just choose not to believe it."
Brooke glared at her best friend ,"Okay fine Miss Know It All, explain to me exactly why I'm not believing it, since you obviously know why." She didn't mean to sound so rude, but she wanted to get to the bottom of things. She wanted answers from Peyton, since she obviously wasn't getting any that she wanted.
Peyton sighed, "Well no offense to you Brooke, but most of the time you feel like the screw up in relationships..."
Brooke squinted her eyes, "Okay, what are you talking about? I'm the one who screws up in relationships?!?!"
"No no that's not what I meant. Okay if you forget about Lucas, think about all your other relationships, who broke up with who first, and for what reason?"
Brooke looked into space, trying to remember every single boyfriend she ever had, which left alot of boys. She looked back at Peyton, seeing what she meant until a certain name popped into her head.
"Oooh wait! What about Felix? I mean, I broke up with him, but I never cheated on him or anything."
"Well yeah there's Felix, but you never really truly liked him, he was just someone who wanted to be with you while Lucas was figuring out how to get you back."
Brooke slouched, "Okay fine I see your point. But what does that have to do with me and Kyle now?"
"The point is that you feel like you're the screw up in the relationship. Like you're always the one that gets to do wrong. But what I'm saying is, Kyle made a mistake. Actually he's made alot. And you can't handle the fact that he did because you feel like that's something that only you get to do. In your eyes, Kyle's perfect, but when he looks at himself, he just sees someone who can't seem to stop messing up."
"Alright so let's say you're right. How do you know I feel that way? I haven't exactly blew my top off by anything Kyle's done that's bad."
Peyton raised her eyebrow, "Brooke, you went psycho when you found out he slept with Rachel. It was almost like you thought you were his girlfriend or something"
"Okay that was only because he didn't tell me, plus it was Rachel!!!" Brooke said self defensively.
"Yeah whatever Brooke. Just face it. Kyle's not perfect, he's going to make mistakes. You go ballistic every single time you don't like what he does or says. Which if I could guess is one reason why you were so upset the other day."
"Yeah, one of the many reasons why I was upset," Brooke mumbled. She didn't want to believe what Peyton was saying, but she was making sense. Kyle had always been this great guy who could do no wrong. What she didn't know was that he made mistakes and he felt bad for stuff, and Brooke wasn't used to that because she was always the one to have to apologize and try to make up for things.
"Now as far as that paper goes, you just have to give Kyle time to let it go," Peyton said, laying back on Rachel's bed.
"What if he never lets it go?" Brooke asked quietly.
Peyton glanced over at her, "Come on Brooke, you know he will. It's just bothering him right now and when he figured out that you don't feel that way anymore, then he'll be fine."
"It's like he's not the same anymore. First off, he's an ass. And it's like he's using this 'not seeing each other' as an excuse to not deal with everything," Brooke said, automatically ranting over and over again. Peyton smirked, she always thought Brooke had this automatic bitch mode button planted somewhere in her brain. She'd been like that since forever.
"Okay, so you didn't even bother to let him know all this when you were yelling at each other?" Peyton asked.
"It's not like I had time to, he was so eager to just leave. I didn't think it was possible to love someone and then hate them just as much all at the same time."
"Well I guess it is possible. Brooke there's no doubt in my mind that you two love each other. Kyle just needs that extra reassurance that you want to be with him, and you have to let him know that."
Brooke nodded, "I know, I just miss him."
--
"Nathan, you went through all that stuff with Haley. Like the tour, and then all those trust issues, Dan?" Kyle asked, bouncing the ball to him at the Rivercourt.
"Umm, yeah. What about it?" Nathan asked, dribbling the ball and shooting it.
"Did you ever stop and ask yourself if this was all worth it? I know it's not the same since you guys were married and all, but did you ever think that you should just walk away from it all?" Kyle asked.
"Yeah, actually I asked myself that every single day. Sometimes more than once. You're not thinking about giving up on Brooke are you?" Nathan asked, sitting down at the picnic table.
"At this point I really don't know anymore. I love Brooke, but I don't know if love's enough you know? Every single time there's always something that gets in the way, or something we can't seem to get over. And I don't know if I should even try to make this work when all I ever do is run into this wall over and over again," Kyle explained.
"I think you're just giving up way too early. And like I said before, the ball's in Brooke's court, if anyone has to make a move now it's her. And right now, she's still trying to re evaluate this whole thing, and if you really wanna be with her, you'll stick with it."
"I know that Nate, and I want to be able to just wait for her like I know I should, but after the fight we had the other day, I just don't feel like myself. It's like this whole thing that's been going on for the past two weeks is completely changing me, and I'm really not liking it."
Nathan sighed, "Do you really want to know what I think, like what I really think?"
"Yeah if it helps me understand this, then yeah," Kyle answered,
"Okay, well I think you're using this whole break thing between you and Brooke as an excuse not to deal with your guys' issues. Because let's face it, before the other day, you guys hadn't talked in two weeks. You haven't hung out, and all you guys have been doing it moping around trying to figure it all out in your head when what you really need to be doing is figuring this out together, you know, talking to each other about how you feel," Nathan explained.
"Brooke already knows how I feel, I went to her house and told her how I felt. I shouldn't have to be going to her all the time, that's the way it's always been."
"You're avoiding the obvious truth, you just don't want to deal with all this complexity anymore. Which is one of the reasons why you wanted that little breakup between you and Brooke. You can say whatever the hell you want, but you know that's part of the reason."
Kyle laughed sadly, "I'm just tired Nate. I'm tired of having to analyze everything single thing that I've ever said to or did for Brooke, and I'm tired of having to wait for her. I know it sounds selfish and what not, but I really don't know if what I want if neccesarily what I need."
"Well for that to be true you have to actually have what you want first, and you and Brooke are still up in the air. Just don't give up on her this late in the game Kyle. I know she loves you, she's just lost right now."
"But she's always lost, that's the whole reason why i'm frustrated. It's been awhile since I told her how I felt, and still I get nothing for it? I'm sorry, but it really sucks for me at the moment."
"Dude I know it sucks, but if you really love her then you'll wait for however long it takes her to figure that out. And when she does, waiting will not even be a thought in your mind anymore. It's going to be you and Brooke soon, just don't stop waiting."
Kyle nodded, "Yeah I know what you're saying. I just miss her."
--
If there was one thing weighing on Brooke's conscience at the moment, it was the fact that she had put up a facade for Haley, one of her best friends. She didn't know why, and she probably wouldn't be able to explain herself in one piece, but she knew she just had to talk to Tutorwife. Plus in a helpful way maybe the conversation wouldn't be about her, but about Tutorbaby that would be coming into the world any day not.
She considered the fact that Kyle might be over there, but then again they might be somewhere doing guy stuff, or whatever that meant. Plus Haley was a bit hormonal, so Brooke could understand why Nathan would be out every once in awhile.
Talking to Peyton opened her eyes to alot of stuff, things that she didn't want to have to confront, but sometimes it was better that way. She knew alot more than she thought she should, and in a way it didn't help her at all because her problem was because she just missed him. Plain and simple. Cut and dry. She just missed Kyle, and she hated that she had to see him but never be able to talk to him.
Maybe she wasn't even angry with him, maybe she was angry because she couldn't see him, or talk to him, or tell him how much she missed him and loved him. But no matter how much she missed him, it wouldn't make him give in any less. She could even call him an asshole, dickhead, every name in the book, but if she couldn't say that she loved him, then it was all for nothing really.
"Hey Brooke. What are you doing here?" Haley asked, her hand on her stomach.
"Umm I kind of need to apologize to you about something," Brooke said, stepping into the house and sitting down on the couch.
"Okay? But why are you apologizing?" Haley asked, waddling over to the couch across from her.
"Well you see Haley, I've been a mess lately. And I thought maybe if I didn't seem like I was so screwed up, maybe I wouldn't be. And I lied to you about being okay, but in reality I was dying inside, and it's this constant thing that I feel in my heart that just won't go away. And I lied to you because I didn't want to seem like I needed help or that I was weak, beacuse this was something I needed to figure out on my own, and come to this answer on my own. I know you're not supposed to keep stuff from your friends, but I'm sorry Haley, I was lost and it didn't make any sense to drag my friends down with me," Brooke explained.
Haley smiled, "Yeah, I knew something was a bit odd with you that day."
"Wait, what?"
"Yeah, I knew something was a little bit weird going on with you that day. I mean, Kyle had just told you he didn't want to see you until you realized that it was him you wanted to be with, and then I come visit you and I see you acting all optimistic like everything would work out. Originially when I left I actually kind of believed it. BUt the more I thought about it, the more bizarre and completely rehearsed it seemed. And even though I was a little bit disappointed that you thought you could fool me completely, I'm glad that you told me the truth," Haley said.
"So you mean to tell me that I just apologized to you, when you knew all along?" Brooke asked.
Haley nodded slowly, "Yeah pretty much."
"Okay well now that we got that out of the way.." Brooke trailed, kind of embarassed that she had told Haley she was dying inside.
"Brooke, it's okay to feel that way you know."
"Yeah I know, but it's just something that I never thought existed. Like I woke up one morning and then a piece of me was gone."
"Hmm I'm pretty sure Kyle took a piece of your heart," Haley said mushily.
"Well when you make it sound that way.." Brooke smirked.
"Actually yeah it is basically that way. Brooke I hate to tell you this, but if you don't come up with something to say soon, I might have to slap you because we all need for you to get with Kyle, it's driving everyone up the wall," Haley explained.
"I'm sorry, but I just can't figure out what to say to him. Like when we're talking I get nervous, but then he says something to make me mad, and then I get pissed, where I can't say enough mean and hateful things about him," Brooke said, shoving her face into a pillow.
"Listen I know it's hard to find the words to tell someone how you feel, but somtimes you just gotta do it, no matter how stupid you may sound, just say it because you may never be able to."
"I know the more I keep holding this off, the more irritated Kyle is going to be, and then the more harder it's going to be to say it. But it's like I try to explain to myself and nothing comes out."
"You're really starting to sound like Lucas last year," Haley commented.
"How's that?" Brooke asked.
"Well for starters, it took him months to tell you how he felt, and it ended up being a really sucky time. But he was still in love with you for the longest time, he just couldn't tell you. Let's hope that Kyle doesn't leave town anytime soon, and please don't hold it off for like, 4 months."
"Hopefully it won't take me that long," Brooke said.
"Yeah, but just think about it Brooke. You and Kyle actually together, as a couple. That's be pretty cool."
Brooke smiled, "Yeah, that would be awesome." Just thinking about being with Kyle was enough to make her want to run to his house and tell him right now. But reality got the better of her, and she knew she couldn't do that.
For the longest time Brooke always said that she wanted someone to confess their love to her at the perfect time. There were no interruptions, no one around, it was just the perfect time. Brooke never got that perfect time when someone would confess their love to her. It was always such horrible and awkward situations. But she knew that she would have to tell Kyle how she felt at a perfect moment. She just hoped that moment wasn't far away, because she missed that boy more than anything.
--
"You ever wonder what it would be like if you hadn't come to Tree Hill?" Nathan asked.
Kyle looked at the sunset, "Sometimes, like when my cousin and uncle were still here. I regretted it then, because all this trouble wouldn't have been here in the first place. But other times I can't see myself being anywhere else than this place."
"I don't think there is any other place in this world that you can love and hate at the same time," Nathan said.
"Yeah me neither. I mean, so many horrible things happened in this small town. And there were times when I didn't see why anyone would even want to raise their children here. It holds nothing but lies and secrets, but maybe if we can change the way things are now, then it'll all be better for our children.
"Why are you thinking so far ahead?" Nathan laughed.
"Well I"m just saying. And in your case it's not that far ahead as you think," Kyle said rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, this town is pretty crappy. I mean, no good events ever happen here. And everthing else is either disasters or wrestling rings. But it doens't really get more exciting. It's like everyday now I wake up and wonder what's going to happen."
"I can't even believe I ever moved. That seems like such a long time ago. It's like that life and that part just ended and then I restarted on the life I left behind. Like back in Virginia, nothing ever really changed, but I was just stuck in this boring like that I didn't ask for not did I want. But if I had to go thruogh that to get to come back here again, then it was worth it if I could have my old life back."
"So you would gladly live the simple life if you could come back to the lying and cheating world that is Tree Hill? Even with everything that's going on and everything that's happened?" Nathan asked.
"Yeah even now. I know that this isn't the best situation to be in, and it's something that I wouldn't exactly want to be happening to me at this point in my life, but I'm kind of glad it is because that means that I have a chane with Brooke. And I could say that I'm scared or I'm insecure, but I just want to be with Brooke, that's all. And that would never have happened if you hadn't called me in the first place. So in a way I'm kind of glad you called me here to save Brooke's ass, because in the end she saved me too."