Buried myself alive
The smell of incense collided with Makoto. She took a deep breathe and almost choked as the fragrant smoke stung her throat. She felt dizzy, the images and sounds still rang in her head from the previous tumult she had just experienced. She remembered being in a rural house, watching herself as a little girl play with her deceased parents. The wonderful memory still floated in Makoto's mind; she could still taste the sweet soaking watermelon in her mouth, the cool breeze still lingered against her sun warm filled skin. Then there was the little blonde girl who she knew nothing of, her twinkling blue eyes and comforting giggles ran through Makoto's veins like an addicting drug. But she regretted having missed the last moments of her parents life just to gaze dumbstruck at a little girl she couldn't even remember. And now, she had no idea where she was. Fearfully she opened her eyes.
Makoto was standing in a dark room lit only by thousands of small candles piled together in the back. The gray cement walls gave a somber feeling, like of an ancient un kept temple, the air smelled stale and saturated with strong incense. Dozens of chairs were set down in rows, in the center of them ran a long aisle; a long table with an impeccable white linen sheet on it was standing at the front. A single framed picture of her parents was placed on it for all to see. Even the white flowers set along the walls were murky and depressing. Though there were no windows, the pouring and rumbling of a storm could be heard from inside.
If it would've been up to you this place would look beautiful. This decoration does little justice to your parents memory. What a shame.
Makoto sighed. The voice was back. "Of all the places… you had to bring me here", she grunted holding back the tears.
Are you really that surprised? This is the turning point of your life, everything changed from this day on. You've hidden it so well for so long…where else could I have taken you?
"How about home, where ever that is", mumbled Makoto.
Not just yet. It's time you recognize the magnitude of what it means to be here.
"It doesn't mean anything! They're dead and that's that! Why does everything have to mean something? Why does this matter in a future I don't understand?", demanded Makoto as she watched a man in a black suit with a white shirt and black tie bow in front of the framed picture before taking a seat along the aisle. He was the first person to arrive and she didn't even know who he was.
Your self-reliance, though you cannot see it I know you feel it, has it's very foundations built on this day. Brick after brick of decisions and experiences throughout your life have assembled who you are and what you will become. Today is the first chapter of your biography and you must read it to understand the end. Did I make myself clear?
"Yeah…sort of. But I remember today, why do I have to walk through it again?"
You remember it because I am forcing you to remember. This memory has been locked inside your mind for so long that you can't even dream of it anymore. It's like an old forgotten book that has been discarded to the back of the library where no one goes. Do you think so little of your parents?
"I love my parents! I-I-I…just…it hurts…so much…can't you understand?", stammered Makoto in frustration.
More than you will ever know. But the more you run away the more tired you'll get until it all becomes too much to handle.
"I guess so"
The room was now packed with people, each person paid their respects before sitting silently on the chairs. Everyone wore black which made the scenery even more morbid and grim. Only a small group of about 7 people were standing beside the table at the front. They held each other and cried unabashed, receiving silent condolences from those who dared approach them. Makoto recognized the small group; an aunt and uncle from her father's side, two aunts from her mother's side, a mutual friend of her parents and an older couple who she would be forced to live with until her inevitable emancipation from them. The room kept filling up with people until there were no chairs left, leading them to stand against the walls. Amidst the silently grieving mourners there was a buzz of chatter from all sides of the funeral.
A disturbing silence suddenly invaded the room. All eyes were on a little brown haired girl who had just entered. She wore a dazzling pitch black kimono, her wooden sandals were also a dark color, the once green hair band was now also black. Head down and taking small steps, she made her way up the aisle, tears staining the marble floor below her. People were whispering to each other; some with pity for the unfortunate girl, others for the gossip and even a few out of spite. The little brunette reached the table, she looked longingly at the photograph of her parents and than took a long bow. The whispering ceased as everyone held their breathe.
A rush of fury ran through Makoto's bones. "Why won't they stop staring? She's just a little girl!", she barked.
YOU were just a little girl. Yes, even at funerals people can be cruel.
The little brown haired girl looked up nervously around her, unsure of what to do. The people were still obnoxiously staring, waiting for her to do something. Her shaking hands reached up to take the photo, fortunately her future step mother swooped in and ushered her along to where her relatives stood.
Why were you compelled to take the photo?
"I don't know. I thought that was what I was suppose to do. Besides, everyone was staring at me like I was about to grow wings. I didn't know any better", answered Makoto with slight amusement.
You still don't. What would you have done now?
"Probably bash their heads in", said Makoto, half laughing.
Why didn't you back then?
"I was a little girl! How could I have possibly done that?"
Perhaps not bash their heads in…but you could have demanded some respect, even if you were a little girl. How ashamed they would have been. Why didn't you do that?
"Because! I-wasn't like that…", said Makoto thoughtfully.
Aha. Now were getting somewhere.
The still chattering people were strictly hushed. The family members and close friends of the deceased took their seats at the front. A Buddhist priest walked up the aisle and placed himself at the front facing everyone. He began chanting a sutra. The little brunette took hold of one of her aunts hand and offered incense while the priest recited the sacred prayer.
Makoto sighed. "I can still remember waking up that day. It was the most ordinary morning in anyone's life but…something about the sky told me. It felt so strange, my relatives all wearing black, making up arrangements I couldn't understand, looking at me like a had some kind of infectious disease…", she whispered.
Does that make you mad?
"No…not really. I don't know why but it feels so…normal, to be looked at like that. But now that I think about it…who would be scared of a little girl? It's so silly"
Yes, it is. But then again…we fear what we do not understand.
"I guess so", said Makoto. She watched herself, so small and frightened, quickly wiping tears off her face. The adults surrounding the little brunette were completely ignoring her, except for her aunt who would shush her now and again. As if the priest deserved more respect than she did.
The funeral ceremony ended with some final words from her parents mutual friend. Two closed caskets were brought out. Careful not to reveal the bodies inside, a man subtly inserted numerous bouquets of flowers that people had brought. The two caskets were then taken outside. The relatives walked down the aisle, the mourners filing out right behind them. The storm outside was terrible; the wind was blowing rapidly, strong rains poured heavily, the dark sky grumbled with lightning. People immediately took out their umbrellas and fought against the rain.
"You know, I actually enjoyed the storm that day. It felt so appropriate", said Makoto, watching the little brunette step out from under an umbrella to be soaked by the rain, she gave a weak, almost satisfied, smile.
How poetic of you.
Makoto laughed. "Yeah…that was a weird thing to say".
We all have some hidden depths. In your case, very hidden.
A large black sedan pulled up. The rear area was customized to carry a smaller version of a Buddhist temple; made from thick wood and painted lavishly with gold and scarlet. It would have been a much lovelier sight if the rain wasn't pouring down so heavily. The two caskets were placed inside the temple-style rear and the car rolled down the pavement slowly. The people, led by the deceased's relatives, followed the hearse, with great difficulty due to the storm, to the cemetery.
"I would've given anything to see their faces one more time", said Makoto, filled with sadness.
It's a pity it was closed casket ceremony. But what a shock it would have been to see them like that.
Makoto groaned. "You try looking good after being in a plane crash. Still, I wouldn't have minded", she muttered.
Oh? Well that would've been an image you couldn't forget. Perhaps it would have suited you. Then you might appreciate the memory of your parents instead of chucking them into the back of your mind, like so many other ordeals you've had to face.
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever.", mumbled Makoto. She knew the voice was right, but she would never openly admit it, at least not yet.
The little brunette, filled with tears, launched herself abruptly towards the hearse. Her scowling aunt ceased her tightly around the waist, and with the help of her uncle, held her firmly in place. The child squirmed mightily against the gripping hands on her shoulders, reluctant to give up her fight. The mourners behind them were whispering and sneering again, some even chuckled wickedly.
What of a burden you must have been. No control whatsoever.
"What? A burden? My parents had just died! What was I suppose to do? Hide my feelings and walk around like a robot!", fumed Makoto.
Mm…I agree. It's a terrible thing to hide your feelings. Right?
Makoto huffed in frustration. "Fine, I get your point. But this is different", she replied, moodily.
How?
"Because! I was just a little kid! I needed to cry! I needed let go of everything! If I hadn't, I would've probably exploded!" argued Makoto heatedly.
Let me see if I understand. A child must express his or her feelings and emotions openly, but adults certainly may not. What a paradox you've created for yourself.
"Yeah, well…that's my problem", grumbled Makoto.
The hearse stopped as well as everyone behind it. The two caskets were taken out and carried through a black gate which led to the cemetery; thousands of stone monuments covered the green wet area, assortments of colorful flowers scattered everywhere due to the powerful rush of wind, even the numerous cherry tree blossoms were completely bare and leafless. The people walked down through a stony path between the graves, following the men who carried the caskets. After a winding and long walk, they arrived to a large subtly decorated crypt, completely made of shiny gray stone, above it the name "Kino" was engraved.
One day you'll be buried in there. Is that…frightening to you?
"No. It suits me just fine", said Makoto firmly.
So death doesn't frighten you? How odd.
"There are worse things than being dead", retorted Makoto, sullenly. She had developed a splitting headache from what seemed like hours of holding back her tears, her temples pounded as she felt the veins swell, ready to burst.
The two caskets were carried down to the burial chamber. Outside, the priest recited another prayer. The relatives stood closer to the crypt, the rest hung uncomfortably behind them, obviously the rain had more then dampened their mood. The little brunette was completely consumed by fits and tears, she ignored her aunts bickering beside her. And then, like magic, a little blonde girl with a red bow tied in her hair popped up behind the Kino crypt. No one noticed her, except for Makoto.
"Look! Look! It's that little girl again!", cried Makoto excitedly. Her throbbing headache was replaced by the rapid beating of her heart. A strange familiarity and longing captivated her once aggravated mind.
Yes, yes, it's all very exciting. Now will you please pay attention. You wouldn't want to miss your parents funeral just to goggle at her.
"Yeah I would", said Makoto thoughtlessly. She watched with wonder as the little blonde girl carefully made her way towards the little brunette.
You're wasting your time. She doesn't belong in this memory. You'll be seeing her later, a lot. Why won't you listen to me?
Makoto ignored the bodiless voice. She held her breathe ready to see what the mysterious little girl was going to do.
The little blonde's face was distraught as she approached the little brunette who was engulfed in wracking sobs. Again, no one noticed her. The blonde tried to hug the brunette but was completely ignored, like an invisible ghost. Then she attempted to wipe some of the overflowing tears from the little brunette's face which obviously failed. Resigned and miserable, the little blonde gave the brunette a gentle kiss on the cheek which also went unnoticed. She stood next to the orphaned little girl, glancing at her, tears sprinkling from her beautiful blue eyes.
"W-who is she? Why does she care so much? I need to know, please tell me", urged Makoto in a broken voice.
I can't, not now. She is of no use to this memory. Completely inconsequential.
"Than why does she keep showing up? Tell me!", demanded Makoto.
No. So please stop badgering me about it. Your inpatient moping will just have to wait. Besides, were almost out of time.
The priest finished his sacred speech and bowed respectfully before leaving. The people at the back also bowed and walked away, shielding themselves from the wet wind. The family and close friend stood in the pouring rain, each gave their ceremonious offering. The little brunette placed a single pink rose on the grave before her, her shaking hand covered by the blonde's. A fierce bolt of lightning struck hard in the distance which made the two little girls jump. Above and around them, the adults were discussing, giving the little brunette worried looks.
Makoto sighed. "They should have just given me to an orphanage, I could've at least made some friends…maybe", she whispered.
Maybe, maybe not. Thinking about these things will only make you feel worse.
The adults stopped arguing and nodded to each other before looking down at the little brunette. Her aunts and uncle gave her a quick kiss and hug then left. The mutual friend was more sympathetic, he squeezed her tight and whispered some friendly words to her which made her smile. The elderly couple were the only one's left. The woman smiled warmly at the little brunette before taking her hand and tugging her away from the grave.
"They weren't bad people, but they weren't my parents", said Makoto, excusing herself for what was to come.
The little brunette scram and fought with all her might, her outstretched hand tried to reach the stone crypt, the little blonde tried to help her but it was useless. The grown woman pulled the brunette harder and harder towards her, the ground below their feet sliding with mud. With a great heave the woman was able to drag the distressed girl away and towards the path leading to the exit. The little blonde ran behind them but quickly lost them in the blur of the storm. With her head down and tears rolling down her flushed cheeks, she walked away and disappeared into the dark mist.
It's time to go. Ready?
"I guess", said Makoto staring at her parents grave one last time, "Anywhere sounds better than here".
Don't be so sure of that.
The world around Makoto vanished as colors and sounds surrounded her. Though she had experienced this once before, it was still uncomfortably dizzy and confusing. A few seconds later the roller coaster like experience ended. The feeling of being knocked out invaded Makoto as it all went dark.
To be continued…