Chapter 2: Dark Edges

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Raph woke up slowly, unsure of where he was. It didn't take him long to realize he was on the couch, in the same place that he ended up after his fight with Leo. He had been waiting for Leo to get home so he could talk to him, and must have dozed off.

He gazed groggily at the digital clock across the room. 3:30 A.M. Raph cursed himself slightly. He hadn't meant to fall asleep. He slowly made his way to Leo's room to see if his older brother had snuck in without waking him earlier in the night. The door to his brother's room was open, the room in pristine order, the bed empty and untouched. Raph let out a sad sigh and wondered where his brother could be. Shouldn't he have been back by now?

Raph wandered back over to the couch and sank back down into the cushions, resting his head in his hands, rubbing his palms over his eyes. Why did he feel the need to start fights with Leo? Raph could not even answer that question for himself. He knew deep down his brother was a great leader, that the family would be lost without him, but for some reason he always felt the need to question his judgements, his authority, and everything else his brother did.

And then there was Raph's anger. He had always had a problem with holding in his anger and frustrations. He had a tendency to get hot headed, stubborn, rash, and, hey lets face it, overreact sometimes. Raph laughed coolly at himself. That was an understatement. He couldn't say why he was the way he was. Why he felt the need to say hurtful things even though everyone knew he didn't mean them. Why he yelled and screamed at the people he loved. He always let his anger, frustration, and emotions get the best of him, and for the life of him he didn't know how to control it.

It wasn't like he liked fighting with his older brother all the time. Well, O.K., sometimes he liked it, but not for the sake of hurting his brother. He liked the challenge, he liked the adrenaline rush, he liked questioning authority, he liked rebellion, and Leo was the only one of his brothers that offered him the challenges he longed for. So he pushed his buttons? Leo always pushed back. And in the end, it always worked itself out.

But tonight he had pushed too far. He had said words that even he knew were wrong the second they left his mouth. Though when he said the words, his body was still tense and unwavering, on the inside his mind was screaming with regret. Then that look his brother had on his face, the one that Leo thought he had hid well, it was almost like Leo was giving up. It struck Raph to the core. But Leo doesn't give up, he never gives up. And yet, he had. He had walked out silently without another word. And that single action was what finally brought the reality of the situation crashing down upon Raph's head.

He didn't hate Leo. He loved his brother, he respected the hell out of him as well, though he would never tell Leo that. Raph could not figure out why he had allowed those words to cross his mouth. Nothing about the events of this night were any different from the ones before, but for some reason Raph had taken the argument to a new level that even he didn't know he was capable of.

Why did he say that? Did he really hate Leo? Deep down in his core was there a whole fleet of emotions that he could not control that finally had broken free and were unleashed onto his unsuspecting sibling? 'No, never,' Raph though quickly. There wasn't a fiber in his being that hated his brother. Leo frustrated him, pushed him, grated on him, annoyed him, but never has Raph hated him. Raph knew the feelings that had been revealed tonight had never been meant for his brother, or any of his family. Raph didn't hate Leo. He hated himself.

He was floating in a cool pool of water, the wind softly kissing his face, the sounds of birds chirping ringing through his ears. He looked up to the painted green canopy, watching the beauty of nature unfold around him. He suddenly heard a soft laugh, one he knew well. He felt hair brush his face, warm breath on his cheek, a hand placed on his. He let a smile cross his face ever so slowly and let himself believe…

Leo awoke suddenly as a crash of thunder rang out above him. He was lost, and disoriented, but the rough pavement below him and the large raindrops splattering on his face brought him back to cold reality. Leo sighed softly. He must have fallen asleep on the roof where he had ended up hours before. Leo shivered slightly as more cold raindrops spattered across his body. Another pound of thunder echoed around him as he wrapped his arms around himself.

The slight peak of red in between the dark clouds overhead alerted Leo that it must be early morning. The sun was trying to rise and break through the dark clouds that suffocated it. Leo let himself laugh coolly as he thought of himself in a similar situation. Then Leo frowned slightly. If the sun was rising, then that would mean his family would be rising, practice would be starting, and he was not there.

Leo felt a slight pang of guilt at staying out all night, and another at not returning for practice. But he could not go home, not yet. The pain of the night before was still too real for him to deal with. He knew he would be punished, that Sensei would be angry, and worst of all disappointed, but none of these things changed Leo's resolve to stay away. He had to get his thoughts in order and gain control once again before showing his face in that hateful lair.

Another crack of thunder reminded him that his stake out on the roof was no longer safe, and he stood, trying to think of a safe place of shelter to last him the day. He couldn't go to April's, or Casey's either. They would just call his brothers, and he couldn't see them yet. He took a deep breath, feeling a strong pang of loneliness. He was a turtle with no where to go.

The day had passed with no signs of Leo. Splinter had questioned the location of his eldest son when he did not show up for practice. The other three turtles held tight frowns on their faces, not able to mask their worry. All had been sure that this would have passed and Leo would be back by now, but it wasn't so. They had explained quietly what had transpired the night before. The patrol, the thugs, the disregard for Leo's thoughts on the issue, the battle, and finally the argument. Splinter listened to the explanation with a deep frown. Leo had not returned yet, this obviously meant his soul had been wounded deeply.

The three remaining students stood and awaited their master's response. The silent rat stroked his whiskers in contemplation, then finally spoke. "Practice will continue as usual. Leo will return when he is ready." was all that he said.

That was hours ago. Now it was late evening and there was still no sign of their brother. They had tried calling his shell cell multiple times, but there had been no answer. Worry began to slowly etch its way into their hearts as each minute ticked by with no sign or word from Leo.

Donny had been very quiet for the whole day, locked in his lab, continuously looking at the clock and jumping at every sound that even resembled the door. Mikey had been subdued, minimal jokes or pranks had been played that day, which further spelled out the seriousness of the situation. Raph was almost intolerable with his repetitive pacing around the lair, becoming more and more agitated as each hour passed. He had begged Splinter on multiple occasions through the day to allow him to go after Leo, but Splinter had not allowed it, saying Leo needed time to sort out his thoughts.

But even the old rat began to become worried as evening came and there was still no word. Finally as the hours ticked into early night, Splinter gave in and allowed his boys to search for their missing brother. As he watched his three younger boys leave the lair, he couldn't help but shiver as a feeling of foreboding overcame him.

Leo looked out over the dark city with solemn eyes. He had watched the stormy day pass by while taking shelter in a small abandoned apartment building. As the thunder and lightening which had persisted through the day began to slow, Leo once again felt the urge to be close to the sky. He knew it was still raining, but he almost welcomed the feeling of the raindrops running over his skin, washing away the strain he had felt through the day as he sat perched once again on the rooftop that he had abandoned that morning.

His shell cell had rung multiple times throughout the day. He didn't know what they wanted. Maybe they were worried about him? Leo shook his head, realizing that couldn't be true. As he had sat meditating in the old apartment building, he had found no peace. He mulled over the things that had been said over the years, and the things that hadn't been said. He was always the brother on the outside, rarely accepted into the activities his other brother's participated in. Sure they would invite him to watch movies sometimes, or go out for pizza, but when it came down it, he was the one that was always forgotten about, always left out. He had always brushed it off, knowing his brothers probably thought of him as a stick in the mud. And so he never showed that every missed invitation to a video game stand off, or every time he ended up being the butt of a joke, hurt him a little inside.

He had known for a long time that they didn't understand him. They didn't understand that everything he did that they hated, every activity that was done that pushed them farther way, he was doing for them. He pushed them to practice because he wanted them to be able to protect themselves. He worried and nagged because he couldn't live with himself if one of them got hurt. His family was his life, why couldn't they understand?

Leo took a deep breath, once again feeling his chest painfully constrict. He swallowed back a lump in his throat and peered once again over the building. He watched the rain drops that were dripping off his nose with morbid fascination as they fell and disappeared into the black night. How easy it would be to end the pain and suffering, allow himself to fall like a rain drop and disappear. His family had finally shown their feelings for him, they didn't need him anymore, and if they were his life, then what did he have to live for?

Leo found himself leaning even farther over the building, starting to imagine what it would be like to soar through the sky, to feel the wind kiss his face before it all ended. A sad smile crossed his face as he imagined feeling no more pain. No more angering Raph, no more bothering Donny, no more scolding Mikey, no more disappointing his Sensei, and no more feeling a deep sense of loss that seemed to grow larger each passing day. Before Leo knew it he had stepped to the edge of the roof, his toes over the side, his eyes closed. It would just take one step, one step to end the pain and be reunited with happiness.

A beeping brought Leo from his silent reverie. His eyes snapped open and he glared at his shell cell that was emitting the sound from the side of his belt. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? He was about to ignore it, turn off the phone, and turn back to the roof when he realized the phone wasn't making the normal ringing sound it had been earlier in the day. He took the cell from his belt and looked closer at the blinking light that was emitting the beep. SOS. It was the distress signal Donny had programmed into the phone in case of an emergency. A sick feeling settled in his stomach as he realized one, or all of his brothers could be in trouble.

He turned back to the edge of the roof and looked over one last time with a heavy sigh. Then without another thought, he turned back to the phone and turned on the tracking device. His brothers may hate him, but he still loved them dearly, and he would never let harm come to them. He pushed the dark thoughts of the roof edge out of his mind and took off across the rooftops, through the thick rain, in the direction of the SOS.