You know what's so funny to me? As jumbled up and random as this story is, in real life this is how your brain narrates your life. Just listen to your inner monologue sometime and realize that if other people were listening they would probably think you were insane... and yet theirs is like that too. I mean seriously, how many times have you been sitting in front of the fridge trying to decide what to eat and suddenly (!) the "Flying-Purple-People-Eater" song is stuck in your head. (It's in your head now isn't it? "One eyed one horned...")

It's fun. Assume that Carly is crazy. Go right on ahead, but you're a bit insane as well, just admit it! (Hells I know I am!)

Pride and Prejudice: Abbreviated and Un-fabricated

A brief little escapade, but for fun we're not going to call it a brief, but instead it is a boxer (because that's the kind of underwear most men prefer)

Wicki is kind of scary when he's angry. "Why don't you have my story for me, Carly?" he asked.

I tried to think about Larry the Six Legged Octopus and how he'd want me to be strong, but then I remembered that time Larry tried to punch me in the face.(In his defense he was drunk and I was being kind of a bitch, but still, I have mental bruises... right on my heart.) So instead, I cowered. "I'm sorry?" I asked in a small voice.

Wicki glared. "If you weren't pretty, I'd fire you."

I shrugged. It's not like I didn't have another job, even if I was only pretending to have that job so I could keep this one. Sometimes I confuse myself. Either way, fake or not, I was quite good at my fake job. Not just anyone can be good at a job where they do absolutely nothing. "Please don't make me perform sexual favors," I pleaded quietly with my eyes squeezed shut so I wouldn't have to witness the sight of Wicki naked. But then, for some odd reason, I started picturing Danny dancing around naked in my mind, so I hastily opened them again.

"Carly! Would you shut up! I know you're a thousand miles out in space right now, but I need you to focus."

I looked at him sideways. From this angle he reminds me a bit of Larry, minus the six legs… er, I mean tentacles.

"Carly! Stay with me here!" He grabbed both sides of my face and forced my head to a straight angle. He no longer looked like Larry, but he did look a bit like Sid, the neighborhood mad-dog that bit Tommy Donney in fourth grade and then no one realized Tommy had rabies until he was in tenth grade. Poor Tommy. We always thought the mouth foam was just a side effect of strong mouthwash

"I can't do it!" I yelped and stood up, but Wicki still had his hands clasped to both sides of my face and he was yanked up with me. "Er… could you let go of my face? I'm trying to make an important speech here and when you press my face like that it sounds like I have my jaw wired shut."

Wicki let go.

"As I was saying," I continued rubbing my jaw. That Stephen has the grasp of a super-strong robot. "I'm not sure I can write this article. You see Stephen, these aren't bad people. Adam's a bit loony, but he's fun as hell and I've never seen anybody do the robot dance quite as well as him. And even Danny isn't horrible. He's a brooding psychopath and a bit dark, but I'm pretty sure it's just a side-effect of his troubled past. Those Lithuanians really know how to screw up their kids. Plus he gave me caramel and the other day Adam accidentally set his hair on fire, but it was wicked cool."

Wicki looked quite shocked. You think after working for the man for five years I'd have shocked him to his very core, but it turns out there was even more of Stephen to shock. "Carly." Uh-oh I knew that voice. That was the "Carly you're so naive, but it's okay because you have me to explain things to you" voice. I hated that voice.

"First off, Adam is not 'a bit' loony. Adam is the result of what happens when you take LSD for an entire decade of your life. Adam is insane beyond compare."

I opened my mouth to protest, but Wicki had more to say so I sat there for a couple of minutes opening and closing my mouth, pretending I was a goldfish, while he spoke.

"And Danny is not the result of a trouble youth. He's not even from Lithuania! He's the result of ass-holiness," Stephen said in complete seriousness. I would have giggled at the use of the word "ass-holiness" but I was in full-out goldfish mode and goldfish don't giggle… to my knowledge at least. (Hmm maybe we should have a meeting to discuss that at work tomorrow. Giggling goldfish… interesting.) "Danny is a plain old jerk. He ruined my life! Remember the whole magazine article thing? Oh C'mon Carly. We were in college and we were both working on the student newspaper and he stole my story! That jerk stole my story!" Wicki was turning purple and becoming inflated from anger. Then he suddenly seemed to pop like a balloon and he wasn't angry anymore. "Now does that sound like something a nice person would do, Carly?" he asked in an overly-passive voice.

I just opened my mouth again and closed it. God, I love being a goldfish.