A/N: I need to confess that I have not ever watched all of Law and Order: SVU in chronological order and that I might have not watched some episodes at all so I don't really remember Amanda's sister Kim, so I decided to take some liberty (okay, maybe even a lot, who knows – I certainly don't!) with this side character for the sake of my fic. I try to write all main characters on the show as in-character as possible, so I hope you don't mind that I made up my own version of Kim to make this work. Other inaccuracies about Amanda's family stem from the same reason. Let's call it artistic freedom, shall we?
Chapter 15: Thanksgiving
Amanda and Nick said their goodbyes to the students climbing out of the bus and grabbing their bags from its bagging compartment before heading off into their well-deserved Thanksgiving weekend.
"Aah", Nick sighed dramatically with a stretch before he hoisted Amanda's bag to the ground. "Can you believe we actually didn't lose one of 'em?", he said, a mirthful grin playing on his lips.
Amanda chortled. "To be honest, I'm surprised every time a school trip goes well. They're so hard to keep in line sometimes."
"Yeah, but we did good", Nick assessed and combed through his dark hair with his fingers. It had gotten a little ruffled from the drive home that had taken about one hour more than planned so that it was already getting dark outside now.
"So, umm-", he added a little uncertainly, "I guess I'll just wish you a happy Thanksgiving, then?"
Amanda smiled at him. "I hope you'll have a nice Thanksgiving with your daughter." She remembered the plans for his Thanksgiving weekend he'd told her about. He'd get to spend it with Zara this year as her mom was working a long shift despite it being a holiday. There definitely were pros and cons to being a nurse.
"Yeah, thanks. Do you need help with your bag?", Nick offered eagerly. Amanda kind of sensed that he really didn't want to smother her, his intentions were well-meaning. She'd opened up to him a little somehow by staying the night in his room and they'd also chatted quite amiably during the bus drive back, so there was a newfound amicability in their behavior towards each other which still felt slightly fragile.
She shook her head no and they hugged each other, shortly but warmly. Nick was the first to leave and he turned around at the street corner to give her a final wave.
Amanda pulled out her cellphone and texted Munch. We're back! Gonna pick up Frannie asap.
Munch texted back almost instantaneously, assuring her not to worry and adding a picture of him giving Frannie a belly-rub on his couch. Amanda smirked to herself. He was touchingly fond of her dog and it made her genuinely happy for Frannie that she wasn't the only person on earth interested in the mutt's well-being.
She said her goodbye to the driver and thanked him for his patience with the noisy adolescents but he only waved her off: "I've been doing this job for years, Ma'am, ain't nothing new for me!"
Grabbing her bag securely, Amanda hurried to the school building because she wanted to re-check whether she hadn't left something important there accidentally. She wanted to get some work done over Thanksgiving weekend, after all. It wasn't like the Holiday meant much to her, no matter how delighted she was about Olivia's invitation.
The teaching lounge was almost empty except for Casey Novak, a young colleague who seemed pretty laid-back and now greeted Amanda cheerfully, asking a couple of curious questions about the school fair trip.
Amanda shoved some papers she'd indeed forgotten to bring home with her before the trip into her bag and then hurriedly said goodbye to Casey, as she did not want to be apart from Frannie much longer. God, how she sometimes missed that dog. She assumed that it was a bit like having a child, one felt the constant pull of responsibility and the terrifying kind of love that seemed bigger than anything else.
She was just trying to pull the building's door open to let herself outside, as a very familiar voice behind her had her erupt in goose bumps. "Wait, Amanda, I'll help you out."
She turned around somewhat, her upper body facing Olivia. Had she always been this striking? She was wearing an elegant dark-blue pantsuit whose feminine cut accentuated her curves in a supremely flattering manner. As she often did, she wore her dark-brownish hair loose and it fell to her shoulders in soft waves, she'd probably been to the hairdresser yesterday or maybe even today, Amanda thought as she also noted some lighter strands in the principal's dense mane of hair.
"Oh – um, thank you, I've got it", Amanda stumbled over her words but Olivia was already pulling open the door, letting Amanda out and following her outside. "I take it the job fair thing went well?", she asked and Amanda sensed a hint of concern in her otherwise businesslike voice.
"Yeah, there was – well, I have no incidents to report, so...", She laughed nervously and touched the collar of her peach-colored blouse as if meaning to smooth it down, only that there was nothing unruly about it. She just suddenly felt hyper-aware of the other woman's proximity and her own physical reaction to it.
"Your bag looks kinda heavy", Olivia remarked with a frown, "can I give you a ride?"
"I -" Amanda wanted to refuse out of habit before she realized that there was no reason to do so. "That would be very kind, thank you", she said and followed Olivia who led the way to the garage where she parked her car in her favorite spot, one of the privileges of being Hudson High's principal. After Amanda had lifted her bag onto the backseat and slipped into the car, she hastily explained: "Umm, you'll have to drive me to Jon Munch's place, though. He's been looking after Frannie, you know", she elaborated while fastening her seat belt.
"Understood, I know his address", Olivia said and pulled out of the garage. Once again, Amanda could not help but notice that she was a good driver, especially once they were on the streets. Olivia drove with a natural ease, she was careful and constantly checking her surroundings in a way that seemed utterly effortless. Amanda knew how to drive all right, but she tended to get anxious driving in unfamiliar areas or when there was a lot of traffic around.
After a few minutes of silence, Olivia cleared her throat and declared: "I do feel a little guilty, Amanda."
"Guilty?", Amanda asked in surprise. "Why?"
"Well, I did want to stay here so I could be with Noah, but you have Frannie. I know how much she means to you. I should have taken it into consideration before I jumped this whole job-fair thing on you."
Amanda snickered. "Please, that's part of my job, I can handle it."
"I know that, but it's almost no one's favorite part of the job", Olivia pointed out.
"It wasn't that bad and Frannie and I don't have to spend every waking minute together. I mean, I do love her to pieces and all, but I'm sure she's enjoying all the extra attention Munch gives her", Amanda reassured the other woman, not wanting Olivia to believe that she had somehow burdened her unfairly.
They had to stop at a red traffic light and Olivia turned to Amanda, the younger woman fighting off the sudden urge to say something nice about Olivia's new hairstyle or the pantsuit that fit her so perfectly. "So", Olivia mercifully pulled her out of her thoughts, "when will you be at our place tomorrow?"
A little caught off guard by the abrupt change of topic, Amanda replied: "Umm – no idea, whenever suits you, really. It's not like I have three more Thanksgiving invitations to attend, Olivia."
"Okay, that certainly takes off some of the pressure", Olivia jokingly said and solely focused on the road for a few seconds when the light turned green. "To be honest, I have this very nice menu all planned out, but with Noah, it will definitely be somewhat more challenging to get all the cooking done, however I also don't want it to be too late, you know..." From her tone of voice, Amanda was somehow able to deduce that Olivia Benson had already worried about all this quite some time which seemed odd because it was only her, Amanda Rollins, after all.
She made her suggestion spontaneously, sincerely. "Well I could come by around noon and maybe take Noah to the aquarium for a couple of hours?"
Olivia's jaw trembled ever so slightly, as Amanda very well noticed. Maybe her suggestion had been too much, maybe Amanda taking Noah somewhere without Olivia being present was nothing she felt comfortable with...
"Wow", was Olivia's first verbal reaction. "You'd really do that?"
"I mean – only if you are okay with it, of course, we'll just think of something else otherwise", Amanda immediately tried to do some damage control.
"No – what, Amanda, are you serious? You know that I trust you, right? I was just – honestly, I wouldn't have thought you'd suggest something like this, I mean, it will probably take up hours of your Saturday and you just came back from chaperoning a bunch of teens!"
Amanda shrugged. "I'd do it in a heartbeat, for Noah... and for you", she added somewhat timidly and put her hands on her upper thighs to prevent them from shaking.
The shudder that run through Olivia's body as Amanda's words registered was noticeable for the younger woman, though. When Olivia brought the car to a halt in front of Much's house, the electricity between them was almost palpable.
"So – see you tomorrow, around noon", Amanda said nervously and unbuckled her seat belt. "I'll just text you when I'm on my way, and thanks again for the ride..." But she could not stop herself from taking one last look at Olivia before she opened the car door. The older woman was watching her with a barely concealed curiosity and open warmth in her gaze. It somehow gave Amanda the confidence to be bold, so she said what came to her mind: "Your new haircut is very – handsome, by the way. It suits you well." She blushed at her own admission but managed to hold Olivia's gaze for a long, lovely moment. Managed to bear the atmosphere that was fraught with something fragile and precious and potentially miraculous. Then, grabbing her bag from the backseat, she got out of the car to pick up her beloved Frannie.
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When Amanda rang the doorbell the next day, Olivia warmly welcomed her with a hug that felt almost natural to the both of them (almost, because there was this tingly undercurrent they both could not help but notice) and then dived right into a short yet rich-in-content mini lecture about all the stuff she'd packed for Noah so that they would not be unprepared if situations arose.
Amanda felt a pang of concern when Olivia showed her the diapers she'd packed; of course, Noah needed to be changed as he wasn't using the potty yet, but Amanda couldn't for the life of her remember the last time she'd changed a diaper.
Olivia, misinterpreting Amanda's furrowed eyebrows and the way she sucked in her lower lip between her teeth, halted in her monologue. "I'm so sorry", she said, "maybe that really is as bit too much to ask, after all..."
"What? - No, Olivia, sorry", Amanda hastily exclaimed and played with the hair-tie she'd just pulled out of her hair in order to re-do her ponytail. "I just had a tiny anxious moment about how to properly change a diaper, but I'll sure be able to handle it. I used to be a babysitter, after all", she added jokingly to lighten the mood.
Olivia was still looking somewhat concerned. "I don't want to pressure you into anything", she said, "I know toddlers can be a piece of work. Noah is no exception, I'm the first one to admit as much."
Amanda waved off the older woman's reflections. "I offered and I'm up to it, I promise. I feel like I can make myself much more useful that way than in the kitchen. I'd probably just over-salt everything."
Olivia helped her to dress Noah into his outdoor clothing for the time of year, and Amanda was glad that the little boy seemed to be in a good mood and babbled cheerfully when she lifted him to put him in his stroller.
Frannie sniffed one of the wheels with a look of mild curiosity.
"Oh", Amanda said, an afterthought she had not really considered before forming fully inside her brain. "Olivia, I don't think I can take Frannie to the aquarium."
"Why would you?", Olivia asked with a curious tilt of her head. "I mean, I figured you'd leave her here, with me. If you trust me enough, that is", she made sure to add although it seemed a little odd to consider the possibility of Amanda feeling uncomfortable leaving the dog in her care while she went outside with Olivia's son. But who knew. She wasn't experienced with dogs, so maybe there was more to the task than she could imagine.
Amanda's eyes lit up at Olivia's words. "Yeah? Although she'll probably try to sneak into the kitchen and steal the whole turkey?"
Olivia chuckled. "I think we'll manage just fine, now off you go", she playfully shooed them out of the apartment.
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Maneuvering the stroller was a little tricky at first but when Amanda managed to successfully lower the handle for pushing the "baby limo" as she called it in her thoughts, things got easier. Olivia lived in an area that was rather quiet for NYC, with an almost suburbian touch to it, so they had to get on a bus to reach their destination, the aquarium. In the bus, an elderly woman approached Amanda but ignored her at first, instead leaning slightly over the stroller and cooing: "Oh, what a sweet little boy you are! Aww, what an angelic face! You must be such a joy to your mother, right? Are you a good little boy for your mama?" Noah regarded her wide-eyed and with a timid expression in his eyes but Amanda was grateful that the toddler did not burst into tears. She wasn't sure if the behavior of the woman was intrusive or normal as she had no idea what being a parent was truly like nowadays. It made her uneasy that a stranger was communicating with Noah but maybe it was totally normal this way, maybe the woman was just being nice. The gray-haired lady suddenly turned to her and said with a beam: "Goodness, he's such a doll, you must be mighty proud of him!"
Amanda blushed at the woman's words who apparently thought that she was Noah's mother. She wanted to clarify the misunderstanding, wanted to explain, but found that she did not quite have it in her to perhaps confuse that old woman with her slightly hunched posture and swollen hands that seemed to suffer from arthritis.
So instead, she choked out a "Thanks" and turned away somewhat in order to focus on Noah, but the elderly woman asked her backside: "What's his name?" and so Amanda just ruffled Noah's hair affectionately and turned back to the elderly woman with a smile that actually held some warmth because the woman did seem to like Noah, so she kinda had to be nice, right? "His name's Noah."
"Oh, but that's a wonderful name, fits the little man perfectly", the woman exclaimed. The bus slowed down, nearing its next stop, and she gasped. "Oh no, I have to get out here – but", she quickly added as the bus doors pulled open, "it was such a pleasure to meet the pair of you, you're so blessed with such an angelic little boy!"
Amanda gave her a polite nod and a somewhat flustered wave when the woman stepped out of the bus, and then turned to Noah with a raised eyebrow: "Well, I do think Olivia is blessed to have such an angelic little boy. Oh dear, the old ladies do have a soft spot for you, huh? You don't seem upset – already used to the attention?" She giggled and adjusted his tiny coat , not realizing how affectionate and natural and just plain mundane her gesture would have seemed to everyone else on the bus. She just wasn't the maternal type, after all.
But in the aquarium, when she lifted Noah up into the safe cradle of her arms to show him the tropical tilapia swimming around in their tank, and when he stretched out his chubby little hands in excitement and emitted sounds of pure delight at the sight of a green turtle that had been rescued from the soup pot years ago, and when she finally had to console him when he cried in sudden fright at the sound of a loudspeaker announcement that could not be escaped (it was nothing unsettling; just the reminder that the next guided tour would start in 10 minutes and where the meeting point would be this time), she couldn't help but falling in love with him too, quite hopelessly so. She wasn't even aware of how she softly pulled him closer to her chest and how she protectively used her own body to shield him from two other visitors who would have almost bumped into them on the narrow staircase once; it was like her instincts had taken over and though she was anxious to get him back home to Olivia safely and therefor remained a little tense for the entirety of their outing, a huge part of her soaked in every moment of their togetherness, enjoying every single minute of it, even the more challenging ones.
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Olivia chuckled at the look of exhaustion that settled over Noah's face as soon as she stretched out her arms to lift him out of the stroller. She could also notice that he was quite content, though. When she lifted him up, she realized that one of his hands was gripping something - it was a very small stuffed animal, a turtle she did not recognize and she knew every single of his toys, of course.
"You would not have had to buy him a toy, Amanda", she said, affection for the other woman coursing through her body.
"Oh", Amanda said, shrugging out of her jacket nonchalantly, "don't even mention it, it's just a tiny souvenir from our first real activity together." Olivia's heart swelled at the word first that kind of implied that Amanda was looking forward to more such activities or perhaps simply expecting it.
"I think he needs a nap", she steered back to safer ground, "I'll just feed him a snack and put him to bed and well – I prepared some kind of a small appetizer which you perhaps would like to have now?"
Amanda smiled. "I'm starving actually, so an appetizer sounds pretty good." Only now she noticed the mouth-watering smell that surrounded them. "Oh my God, Olivia, you're not a secret professional chef, right? I mean, this smell – it's unreal!"
Olivia laughed heartily. "Last time I checked I wasn't but let's just hope I didn't use too much salt or something", she bantered before taking Noah to bed. Amanda freshened up in the bathroom in the meantime and said a quick Hi to Frannie who looked rather grumpy at not having snatched the turkey for herself.
Olivia joined Amanda in the living room a few minutes later. "Oh, I went downstairs with her not that long ago, thought she'd might need to pee."
"Thank you", Amanda smiled in grateful appreciation, thinking suddenly, involuntarily, that most of her boyfriends would never ever made the effort to consider Frannie's needs if she'd had the dog back then.
"So, kitchen?", Olivia suggested.
Amanda followed her into the smaller room and was surprised that Olivia had decorated the table festively, with several ornamental pumpkins dominating the table over the orange-brown checkered tablecloth, strewn between the gourds were some pine cones and tastefully arranged tiny wildflower bouquets. Even the napkins fit the down-to-earth autumnal theme with their dark-brown color shade.
Amanda let out a spontaneous whistle. "Oh my, Olivia, you really wouldn't have had to go to all this trouble!"
When she looked at Olivia, the principal's flushed face was set to an expression of mild embarrassment. "It's just that I kinda go nuts about Holiday decorations. I get this weird itch to be a little creative", she confessed.
"Well, if the food's as good as the decoration is, I'm one happy gal", Amanda joked.
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Amanda was one happy gal. Olivia had truly outdone herself. The appetizer alone was a revelation to Amanda's taste buds, and together, they finished all of the tomato-ricotta pinwheels that Olivia had baked in the oven.
"Gosh, these are so good", Amanda sighed happily while she treated herself to one of the last two ones. Conversation flowed between them easily, they both enjoyed the non-alcoholic beer Olivia had offered, and when Olivia got up to get the turkey out of the oven, Amanda just remained seated in her chair, amazed at how relaxed she truly felt although she hadn't known Olivia for long.
Olivia put the turkey on the table with a flourish, her hands in kitchen gloves. "Careful, it's very hot", she warned while Amanda took in the enticing scent of the home-cooked meal that looked incredibly tasty. "Wow", she said, "this must have taken you ages."
"Ah, actually just a few hours", Olivia said with a laugh and removed the kitchen gloves from her hands before joining Amanda at the table again. "I hope it tastes as nicely as it looks, I've never done this recipe before."
The turkey that was shimmering almost golden sat in the middle of the large baking dish, surrounded by the sides that the recipe had asked Olivia to add at certain times in the process of roasting the meat. There were some baby carrots, pear slices and broccoli florets. Olivia had discreetly put the gravy on the table, too, and now explained to Amanda that it was "roasted pear gravy", and which to Amanda sounded quite complicated to prepare, but she wasn't t hat much of a cook anyway.
Olivia asked Amanda if she wanted to cut the turkey; but Amanda politely declined, preferring Olivia to do it. Olivia handled the sharp knife with practiced caution; the first slice she cut naturally belonged to her guest along with some of the sides; Amanda poured some of the gravy over all of it and took a careful first bite. She instantly had to close her eyes in order to savor the taste which was the most perfect combination of different flavors, textures and rounded up with a hint of rosemary and sage just right. She couldn't help but emit an appreciative sound that was somewhere between a hum and a moan; after she'd swallowed, she opened her eyes again and found Olivia's gaze on her which somehow also seemed to be the most perfect combination of the night: there was a curiosity in her sparkling dark eyes; the ghost of a tender smile on her lips; her features were alert, attentive, but at the same time she seemed to be comfortable, content.
"So?", she asked with a slightly raised eyebrow that somehow had the perfect shape although Amanda had never before really paid eyebrows any special attention.
"It's – well it's excellent, Olivia. Duh, I think I have never ever eaten anything so freakin' delicious before!"
The smile on Olivia's face broadened and Amanda, watching her closely, saw the faint blush spread on the principal's cheeks when she quickly reached for her beer bottle and took a large sip, clearly trying to distract from the way Amanda's praise affected her.
Amanda thought to herself that this day couldn't get any better just when Olivia cleared her throat after having eaten about half of her second helping: "So, umm – can your dog have some turkey, too? I feel kinda bad not letting her have any", she admitted. As Olivia's eyes were now fixed on the threshold behind Amanda's back, the blonde turned around on her chair somewhat to see that Frannie had settled there, her head resting on the kitchen floor while the rest of her body was technically still in the living hallway, Frannie's way of showing what a good dog she was because Amanda normally didn't really encourage her being in the kitchen. She looked peaceful, almost as if she were sleeping, hadn't it been for her twitching nose and ears pricked with expectation.
Amanda usually shared her cheese with Frannie, and let her have leftovers she deemed suitable and safe for dogs. But the turkey the two women currently enjoyed was spiced, seasoned, and Amanda wasn't so sure about it. When her doubtful look rested on the turkey dish at the table's center, Olivia quickly elaborated: "Oh, I put a few slices away, I bought them specifically for Frannie. They're not seasoned or anything. They're over there", and she got up and went to the kitchen counter where a small plate that was covered with tinfoil Olivia now pulled away revealed a couple of slices of meat piled onto it.
Once again, Amanda was touched to her core. "Oh, Olivia", she said, "that's so considerate of you! I mean, I do have one can of dog food with me, but Frannie would be much happier about the turkey", she added with a chuckle.
Olivia waved it off, "Ah, it's nothing", and put the plate down right in front of Frannie who did not even take her time to properly sniff the sudden, generous offering, instead immediately starting to gulp down on it.
Olivia slid back onto her chair. "Now, where were we?"
"I actually just wanted to help myself to some more of this fantastic meal", Amanda admitted and Olivia grinned. "Well, be my guest, eat as much as you want to!"
They fell back into their amiable chatting easily and somehow landed at a play Olivia wished to see soon. Amanda expressed interest in the play when Olivia told her a little about it; it was a modern adaptation of the german writer Georg Büchner's "Woyzeck", a stage play that had deeply impressed Amanda when she'd come across it in University, even more so when she'd learned that Büchner had died aged only 23 in 1837. Amanda had marveled at how sharp-minded Büchner must have had been in order to write such a psychological dense, disturbing text at such a tender age. She shared some of her admiration with Olivia, animatedly wondering aloud whether Büchner had been aware of the absolute geniusness of introducing the change from 1st person to 3rd person narrative perspective, thus adding an urgency and depth to his text that made it even more refreshing and distinctive from the unrealisticness and detachment found in so much of the poetry of the Romantic period; Büchner had dared to write about more complex characters from a lower class of society which wasn't so usual in German literature back then.
When Amanda met Olivia's gaze, she felt self-consciousness creep up in her; she had rambled on for quite a bit now, delighted to have found someone who knew and cherished "Woyzeck" which was, in her eyes, a total stroke of genius start to finish. But she'd let herself get carried away and now Olivia probably wondered why she'd gone all "teacher-y" on her.
"Sorry", she mumbled, "I just – I came across Büchner during my studies and something about his work resonated with me, so it became – well, it was kind of my introduction to German classic literature, and I haven't ever stopped being weirdly interested. I even learned some German so I could read some original works – although I really quite suck at it."
"Oh, I don't know", a mischievous smile was on Olivia's face, "I can kind of imagine you, talking German as if from the textbook with your Southern accent and all... I'm sure it's endearing."
Amanda, though secretly pleased, snorted in feigned annoyance. "Okay, so I don't think you can hear I'm from Georgia when I speak German. Which is basically never, by the way."
"Prove it", Olivia demanded, the playfulness still visible in her wide smile.
Amanda shifted in her chair, thinking about what she should say. She wasn't one to back off from a challenge and Olivia probably wouldn't understand a thing she said anyway. Her mind naturally still on Büchner, she quoted from the play they had just discussed: "Jeder Mensch ist ein Abgrund, es schwindelt einem, wenn man hinabsieht..."
"What does it mean?", Olivia queried, curious about the reverent note that laced Amanda's voice.
Amanda shrugged. "It's a quote from Woyzeck, the one where he says that every person is an abyss and that it makes one dizzy to think about it."
"One more?", Olivia asked and Amanda indulged her, figuring it was the least she could do after the outstanding food Olivia had invited her to: "Okay, let's see... Der müde Leib findet sein Schlafkissen überall, doch wenn der Geist müd' ist, wo soll er ruhen?" Her cheeks tinged slightly red, she tried her best to translate it: "Okay, so, it's from Leonce and Lena, his only comedy, and it means that a tired body finds a pillow to sleep anywhere, but when the mind is tired, where to rest?"
It was the first thing that had come to her mind, really, but now that she spoke the words out loud, they seemed over-dramatic and at the same time like she was giving away way too much. The quote had subconsciously ghosted around in her head for a long time, maybe years, had accompanied her in many a sleepless night; it felt deeply personal even if it was taken out of a funny play; reluctantly, she averted her gaze and fiddled with her fork, stabbing the last baby carrot piece on her plate determinedly in order to busy herself, her hands, her whole body that now certainly wasn't feeling restful.
"Is that why you have trouble sleeping?", Olivia inquired softly. The mood had changed; Amanda could make it out in the air between them that was charged now, not only with the good kind of electricity that had buzzed between them all evening; but also with so many things left unsaid, big things, frightening things.
"It's just a quote", Amanda warded off Olivia's audible concern. "We were talking about Büchner and you wanted to hear my German so I obviously quoted him." She gave a noncommittal shrug, sure that Olivia would back down and apologize profusely but that wasn't what the older woman did. There was silence, at first, a heavy silence that was loud in its singularity. She looked up a little, fingers still wrapped around her fork as if she really intended to eat the baby carrot she'd spiked with the cutlery's prongs; and there was Olivia, the barely visible smile on her face now regretful, the smile of someone who had just received bad news but still believed that there was something good, something precious, that would always remain. It was both chilling and warming at once, and her conflicting emotions made Amanda get up suddenly and murmur: "Sorry; I – I need to take a moment", before she headed out to the living room, where she stood, facing the window, and put her forehead against the cool glass that separated her from everyone but Olivia and Frannie and Noah, who were, as Amanda silently admitted to herself, the three beings she cared about most anyway. And yet she'd fuck this up, was already fucking it up, by behaving in this puzzling way and bolting and overall being a piece of work.
"Amanda – sweetie, are you okay?" Olivia gently asked and Amanda turned around, tears threatening to spill, desperately trying to hold her ground but not really able to since Olivia looked so worried and beautiful and sincere.
She shuddered, crossed her arms over her turquoise V-necked blouse,t hen uncrossed them.
"Maybe I just need a hug", she said and she did not even know whether she whispered or yelled or begged; only knew that one moment, Olivia was standing a few feet away from her and the next moment, she was pulling Amanda into an embrace, a proper one, her hands running up and down the younger woman's back in a slow and soothing rhythm.
Amanda felt her tense muscles relax some; even felt her jaw loose some of its stiffness and she couldn't force back a hiccup when a shudder ran through her whole body, a shudder Olivia certainly must have felt as well.
But the older woman did not step back; instead she whispered into Amanda's ear: "It's okay, sweetheart. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be nosy. You're such a lovely person, Amanda, and I appreciate your presence here tonight. The last thing I intended to do was to upset you."
Her scent was intoxicating; sandalwood and maybe lemon and something unique, something so very much Olivia. Amanda couldn't resist the temptation to nuzzle her nose deeper into Olivia's black woolen sweater in order to be closer to her, effectively burying her face in the place below Olivia's left shoulder and above her left breast. There it was, her heartbeat, somewhat irregular by the fuss she'd caused, but nevertheless a soothing variable in this otherwise un-quantifiable something she'd gotten herself into.
A/N: I don't know anything about Thanksgiving traditions so I apologize for any errors! Also, I loved reading "Woyzeck" at school and watching it as a play, but I'm not sure whether it's realistic that both Olivia and Amanda are familiar with it; but I needed them to talk about something related to their shared passion for the fine arts and literature and this is what I ended up thinking about, sooo... and then the second quote Amanda says in German kind of helped me write the rest of the chapter, and kinda fit, so I guess it wasn't that bad a choice for me to make.