The Deepest Secret

I am normally not a fan of the theme that I introduce in this chapter, but when I was brainstorming reasons why Leo would have stayed away from New York for so much longer than he planned this idea came to me and I couldn't let it go. It just seemed to fit for me. I hope everyone else agrees.

Hours had past, most of it spent in front of the T.V. playing endless rounds of video games with the youngest of the family. What had been meant to be a short game had turned into a fighting tournament. Every time Raph tried to get away from the T.V. Mikey pouted and convinced to him to play another round. It was best 2 out of 3, then 4 out of 6, then 16 out of 20. Raph was beginning to think Mikey could go forever.

Finally April and Casey had arrived with dinner, which finally caused Mikey to throw the game controllers down and rush over to get something to eat, allowing Raph to finally sneak away from the T.V.

He had quickly eaten a small meal, only to appease the worried friends surrounding him. He knew he hadn't eaten much since that night four days ago, but he just hadn't had an appetite. His stomach was already full every hour of every day with never ending waves of guilt.

After dinner Raph made his way over to Leo's side. He hadn't been near his brother all day, stuck in the never ending gaming tournament, and felt the need to reassure himself that nothing had changed for the worse. Splinter was still next to Leo's side, which was not surprising, dosing lightly. The rat had left Leo's side only a handful of times since they had come here. Raph realized that it wasn't much different than what he had been doing. He knew how worried Splinter was for his oldest son. This was the closest that any of them had come to losing a member of their tightly knit family. To lose one link would cause their strong family chain to break.

Raph sighed and took a seat next to Leo's head. He heard a soft meow and saw the small cat, 'Hope', lying once again with his brother, this time across his plastron, her paws kneading softly. Raph couldn't quite figure out why Splinter wanted to keep this cat with them. Sure, it was the cat that elicited the first movement from Leo in days, but was it really necessary to keep it around? Raph didn't like that the animal was constantly around his injured brother. When he had voiced his concern to Splinter, the rat had just smiled and told Raph he was being overprotective, and that nothing bad would come of it. Raph gave the cat an uneasy look, then turned back to his brother's face, which still looked the same as it had for days. He had seen Mikey and Donny, and even Splinter talking to Leo numerous times, as if Leo could hear them. As Raph had watched them, he wondered if Leo could.

"Hey Leo," he said softly, as to not wake his father. Ugh, this was embarrassing. He looked over and saw Donny and April still eating dinner. Mikey had pulled Casey over to the T.V. and had dragged the man into another round of video games. Raph shook his head and smiled slightly, feeling slightly sorry for Casey. He turned back to Leo. He had yet to be able to bring himself to talk to his unconscious brother. For Donny and Mikey it was therapeutic, he knew that. But for him, it was just embarrassing.

He opened his mouth to try and say something to Leo, but no words came to him. He sighed, dejected, and placed a hand on Leo's forehead instead. The soft sounds of the ventilator filled his ears, once again reminding him how sick his brother was. He swallowed thickly, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. He needed to get out of the basement, away from the commotion, away from everything. He stood suddenly and looked over at his other brothers, both of which were not paying attention to him, busy with their own things.

He quickly snuck up the stairs, taking long swift strides through the dark empty clinic. He exited the side door and was immersed in the cool night air. He breathed deeply and slowly, trying to calm his addled nerves. Somewhere far off he could hear a tropical bird call, reminding him he was in a clinic surrounded by a zoo of animals. He took another deep breath of cool air, and made his way to the roof of the small building. Making himself comfortable under a flood light so he could read, he sat and pulled out his brother's black diary, anxious to get back to reading more.

So Leo had been fighting in the jungle, by himself. His older brother, who had lectured him, with anger, on a roof a while back about how what he, Raph, had been doing as Nightwatcher was wrong and dangerous, had been doing the same thing. Raph found himself smiling smugly, realizing that, though Leo tried to act like it, he was no better than Raph. Raph's smile disappeared as soon as it had appeared, however, as guilt over his thoughts swept over him. He sighed. When would he stop having such malicious thoughts about Leo. It was as if every time Raph found a weakness in his perfect older brother, he felt the need to exploit it. Raph shook his head, realizing he had to stop that vicious cycle.

He turned back to the book and opened it, flipping through the worn pages to where he left off. He quickly found another entry. The written words seemed different somehow, the flowing script was still unmistakably Leo's, but shakier and more sloppy, as if writing them had been physically difficult. Raph narrowed his eyes slightly.

8/26/06

I almost made a fatal mistake in my last fight with the Black Devils, leaving me in the state I am now, weak and run down. Even moving this pencil across the pages is taking strength I feel like I don't have. If it wasn't for the compassion and concern of one of the villagers I'd probably, no, I know I'd be dead. I want to record the happenings of a few nights before so that I don't forget it, and hopefully I'll never make the near fatal mistake again. I underestimated my opponent, and that mistake nearly cost me my life. I should start from the beginning. I was making my way through the forest one morning on a long training run, when I heard a woman scream off in the distance. Luckily I had brought my katanas, and I rushed off in the direction of the screams. When I finally happened upon the scene, I found two of the gang members holding down a young woman, trying to do unspeakable things to her. She was beneath them, putting up a good fight, but was no match for the two brutes holding her down. I felt rage flow through my veins. The punks were armed, but they were young and obviously inexperienced, nothing I hadn't handled before. I drew my katanas and leapt from the branch I had been perched on, taking one out quickly. The other had tried to draw his gun on me, but I had quickly knocked it from his hands. That was when it happened. A loud explosion erupted from the trees. I moved, but not quick enough, and I felt a deep searing pain in my shoulder as the bullet entered. The member I had neglected to account for was standing between two trees, a look of horror on his face at seeing a giant turtle staring back. I swallowed back the pain and dispatched him quickly. Once I made sure they were all taken care of, I felt the adrenaline begin to leave my body and my vision began to blur. I looked slowly over to where the woman was laying. She was staring at me with a look of fear and disbelief on her face. I thought she was going to scream. I hate it when people look at me like that, like I'm a giant freak that has no right to share their earth. I turned away from her weakly, feeling my strength draining. My shoulder hurt immensely and I could feel the warm sticky blood leaking quickly from the wound, taking any remaining strength with it. I vaguely heard her footsteps behind me as she ran away, but the ringing in my ears and my double vision was making it hard to concentrate on anything else. I needed to get back to my cave, but I didn't know how that was going to happen. I felt myself sinking to the ground, and after that I don't remember much. I was about ready to let my eyes close and drift off, but then someone was there beside me, helping me to my feet. My vision was so blurred I could not make out who, or what it was, but in my state I could to nothing but respond. The figure had asked where I lived, and I remember trying to answer. I must have managed one, because we had started to move. Everything after this is a blur. Occasionally I would hear a voice telling me to stay with them, and I tried. I don't know how long we walked, but I remember feeling, with relief, the spray of water from the waterfall as we reached my cave. The figure let go of me at one point, after we had made it inside, and after that I remember nothing. I can only assume I must have lost consciousness. When I awoke next, I was lying on my back next to a small fire. I felt like I had been hit by a semi truck, my mouth was parched, and I felt like I could vomit. I tried to move, but a sharp pain in my shoulder caused me to cease and I let out a small cry. That was when I felt small hands on my arm and carapace, trying to steady me. I felt a pang of fear as I realized I wasn't alone, but the soothing voice coming from the figure next to me caused me to begin to relax. I looked up, trying to visualize the person that was here with me, and was met with the face of the woman I had saved earlier. She was looking at me, her eyes that had once been filled with revulsion and fear, were now filled with concern. She brought me water and helped me sit up. She told me her name was Isabel, and that I had no reason to fear her. She explained to me what had happened after the fight. She had tried to run in fear, but had not been able to, knowing that I had saved her life, and needed help of my own. She had come back and helped me home, and had treated me with the best of her abilities, and had cared for me. When I asked her for how long I had been out, she answered two days. I felt like I could vomit again. She told me the wound had become infected and I had been caught in a high fever, and there were times when she had thought I wouldn't make it, but that finally the fever had broken hours before, and now, here I was. I could do nothing but stare at her, amazed. This girl who had no idea who I was, or what I was, had stayed with me and cared for me for two days without a second thought. When I tried to apologize and thank her, she had quieted me, telling me I had saved her life and her honor, and it was her who should be thanking me. I introduced myself to her, and tried to answer her questions, and told her the story of how I had come to be here. By the time I was done, I was exhausted and had fallen asleep shortly after. When I awoke hours later, I had expected her to be gone now that I was doing better, but there she was, cooking food over the small fire. She is a very beautiful girl. Her long black hair was pulled in a messy pony tail, her soft features illuminated by the glow of the fire as she cooked. She had made me try and eat, even though my stomach wanted to revolt. After food, we had sat and talked for hours. She seemed fascinated by me, and wanted to know everything about me. It was so nice to have someone to talk to, and I found myself willing to tell her everything. After the words had run out, we sat in silence. After a while, she fell asleep, leaving me alone to have a chance to record my thoughts. I can't help but stare at my savior and be thankful for her good nature and kindness. If it weren't for her, I would be dead. I will forever be in your debt Isabel, and I thank you for what you did for me.

Raph read the last words of the passage, his mouth dry from it hanging open in shock, his eyes narrowed, his face pale. He had never known that Leo had come close to dying while in Central America. It was something he had neglected to mention in any of his letters. Raph ran his hand over his head in exasperation. He wanted to hug this Isabel girl for the help and kindness she had shown to his brother in his time of need. He swallowed hard, anxious to continue to reading about his sibling's experiences.

He turned the page and found another drawing. It was another picture depicting the surrounding jungle, but this one was done with colors. Raph assumed Leo had drawn this during his recovery and had taken his down time to search for things to use for color. The greens looked as though they could have been from the leaves of a tree, the reds possibly mixed from berries from the surrounding forest floor. The lines were a bit wobbly, not done with the same grace as the ones he had seen before, but it was still well done none the less, and much more beautiful with the bold colors his brother had added.

Raph smiled at the picture, then turned the page, and gasped. The next picture was of a beautiful girl. Leo had used color in this one as well, but Raph had a feeling the colors didn't do her justice. The girl had soft, fine features accented by smooth milky light brown skin. Her heart shaped face was surrounded by thick flowing hair as black as night. Her chocolate brown eyes were sharp and clear, her pink lips turned into a soft smile as her gaze left the paper, looking at something unseen in the distance. Raph found himself running his hands lightly over the depicted face. Under the picture, his brother had written a single name. 'Isabel.'

So this was the girl that had saved his brother's life. Leo certainly was right, she was beautiful. Leo had seemed to include every detail, from the shading on her face from the fading light, to the bright glint in her eye as she gazed off the paper. The girl in the picture took Raph's breath away. Raph was about to turn the page, when he realized for the first time how crinkled and worn the page was. It was obvious Leo had turned to this page many times before. Raph could hardly blame him. He smiled mischievously, thinking his brother must have had a crush on her. He laughed softly and turned the page, finding more writing.

9/1/06

I feel like going crazy. I have been cooped up in this cave now for days, slowly recovering from my previous injuries. I am finally regaining some of my strength, but I still find it hard to move my shoulder nimbly. I feel like I could scream from the overwhelming boredom. If it wasn't for Isabel's continual company, I think I would have gone insane. She has been a constant comfort in my life since I met her. Once my health had begun to return, she had decided to return home to let her parents know that she was ok, and as she left I thought for sure I would never see her again. But that night she was back to check on me, and she had brought all sorts of food and sweets with her. I remember how happy I was to see her return. There is something about her that brings happiness to me in a place where I thought I'd never find it. The constant pain from being separated from my family has been lessened somewhat by my new friend. She helps to relieve some of the overwhelming loneliness that I had been feeling since I arrived here. I have found I can tell her anything, and she seems comfortable in doing the same with me. I have learned that she has three older brothers, all moved out and married with lives of their own. She is the last remaining of her parent's children, only still there because she has not found anyone she has felt worthy of her hand. I have found out a lot about her over these past few days. She is sweet, and funny, her great sense of humor reminding me of Mikey. But she is also strong willed and opinionated, bringing her much respect in my eyes. I can't see why she insists on spending all of her free time in this old ratty cave with an injured mutant turtle, but something keeps bringing her back, and I would have it no other way. I love the way she looks at me, with respect and awe and admiration. When she looks at me I feel as though I'm the most important person in the world which is a feeling I'm not used to feeling growing up with three younger brothers who are constantly judging my worth. I feel like I can be my complete self around her. I don't have to put on a brave show or always be the strong one, I can just be me, something I haven't been able to be for a long time, and she likes me for that. She has told me how much she appreciates everything I have done for the communities around the forest. It didn't take her long to realize that I was the ghost of the forest, the one that was fighting the Black Devils. There is no getting anything past her, she is smart too, did I mention that? But anyway, in my down time, while she is away I have been trying to do plenty of meditation exercises to keep up with my leadership training, and soon I am going to start my physical training again, once my nursemaid believes me ready. I think I hear her coming back.

Raph smirked. Man, his brother had it bad for this girl. Why had he never mentioned her to them? Raph wondered on it for a few moments, but hadn't been able to come up with any good reason. Was his brother embarrassed to share things like this with his family? Sure, they would have teased him mercilessly, but they were still family and his brother should feel comfortable telling them about things like this. He then remembered the cold welcome that he had given Leo in returning, and the non-stop fighting that had happened since and Raph swallowed back the guilt.

Raph flipped further through the pages, journeying through months of entries detailing Leo's work in the jungle, and excursions he had taken with Isabel. She was mentioned in almost every entry he had written. Raph was beginning to really like this girl who had kept his brother company in a seemingly very lonely time in his life. They had taken trips to private beaches together so that Leo could experience a 'real' ocean, she had introduced him to different things in the Central American cultures, including instruments and food, she had tutored him in the Spanish language to help make his stay in her country easier. And all the while Leo had still been finding time to patrol around the near by villages fighting off the gang that still found the courage to try and terrorize the villages, luckily without any further injury that he had felt the need to mention. As he moved from entry to entry, he realized how much he was learning about his brother and his time away. Leo had been up to a lot in the time he had been gone, and his life had been nothing like what Raph had imagined.

Raph silently flipped to another page, and double took at the words he saw written at the beginning of the entry.

11/3/07

She kissed me! I can't believe it! It is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced in my entire life. I still worry that I am only dreaming, that I will awaken soon to find that it never happened. We had been walking back to my cave after a long trip into a distant village. She had taken me with her shopping for things for her family's shop back in the village. I took the much needed day off, eager to spend more time with her and see more of her country. I had to disguise myself of course, but no one really gave me much notice. We were able to move freely through the busy market, me masked in my cloak, and I almost felt like I was normal. It has been one of my favorite days here thus far. As we made the long trek back to my home, I couldn't help but dwell on her arm which she had linked in mine as she carried her packages. As we came closer to the cave, the moonlight was shining brightly through the trees and had been reflecting off her shiny dark hair. We decided to sit at the top of the falls, neither of us tired, and had talked for a long while, laying in the grass and watching the stars. After a while we had become silent and I was beginning to wonder if she had fallen asleep. Then I heard her turn on her side and she looked at me and smiled. 'You know you are amazing, right?' she told me. I had felt myself blush and silently shook my head, not sure what she was meaning. I had never been called amazing before, and I certainly have never believed I am. I watched as she sat up, a troubled expression on her face. She asked me why I didn't believe her. I told her that there was nothing special or amazing about me, that I was just a mutant that could fight and that because of who I was, of what I was, I could never be normal, much less amazing. She had gazed at me, a strange expression on her face. 'It is because you are not normal that makes you so special.' She had told me. 'You are strong, caring, compassionate, funny, loyal, and loving, and unlike anyone I have ever met before. You are very special Leo, and it is important you know and believe that.' I couldn't bring myself to look at her after that. My cheeks had become hot and I had stared at the ground, my hands picking mindlessly at pieces of grass beside me. No one had ever spoken such nice words to me before, and as far as I could tell she had meant them. I started slightly as I felt her move close to me. Her hand reached over and took my chin and turned my head around to look at her. I was startled by how close she was to me. I could smell roses on her hair and feel her breath on my cheek. 'You are special, Leonardo.' She repeated softly, her voice sending shivers down my spine. And then she did it. She pulled me toward her and kissed me. I thought my heart was going to soar out of my chest. I could feel it pounding quickly under my plastron as her lips were pressed against mine. I could do nothing but close my eyes and melt into her and hope that this moment would never end. I never thought in a million years I would find someone who could like me for what I was. I am a giant turtle, a disfigured reptile that was mutated into a walking and talking weapon, but in that moment I felt human, I felt special, and I felt loved. I had resigned myself to a life of loneliness, without ever finding love. But now, as I sit here, missing her deeply and still feeling the warmth of where her lips had been on mine, I wonder if I have been blessed to have finally found love.

'My God,' Raph thought, his breath hitching. 'Leo had fallen in love.' He couldn't believe it. His brother had fallen in love with a girl on his trip to Central America, and that girl had fallen in love with him back. How could he not have mentioned this? Raph felt an onslaught of emotion. What had happened that made Leo keep this a secret. Raph's hands were shaking slightly as he turned the page, eager to read on. He was met with a short passage that seemed to be written in a great hurry.

1/15/07

She's gone, taken by those bastards, the Black Devils. I returned from a training exercise and had went to her home to meet her. She had told me she wanted to talk to me when I returned, and I couldn't imagine what about. I had snuck to her window that night, but no one was in her room. I crept through the window and looked around her bedroom for any sign of her. It was then I heard hysterical voices from below me. They must have been the voices of her parents. I heard someone cry that she had been taken by the Black Devils, and I felt my heart clench in fear. They had taken her, for who knows what end. I had rushed back to my cave immediately to grab my weapons, and it is now that I am leaving. I am going to stop these Black Devils once and for all and I am going to get Isabel back. They will pay for messing with her.

Raph swallowed hard, a fear gripping his heart as he stared at the short passage. He was afraid to read on, afraid to turn the page and find out what had happened. He had a bad feeling that he couldn't place. But Raph took a deep breath and shakily turned to the next page and felt bile rise to his throat. There were only a few words written in large, shaky handwriting.

SHE'S DEAD.

OH GOD…..DEAD.

The page opposite of it was covered in a muddy, three fingered hand print, as if Leo had crawled over to his journal through wet mud. Both pages were covered in dirt and streaks of red that, Raph realized with horror, must be blood. Parts of the few large words that were written haphazardly across the page were smeared from, what Raph could guess, tears from his grieving brother.

He could almost feel the horrible amount of grief that his brother had felt just by reading those few pained words. He felt sick and ran to the side of the roof, retching off the side, the journal falling limply to the ground. He dry heaved and took pained ragged breaths until he felt his body begin to calm. He wiped the remaining spit from his mouth and sank back to the floor of the roof, his body shaking with emotion. He regretted ever opening that book and reading the passages within. He glanced over at it, the small thing lying on the ground, discarded. Who could have ever thought such a small and simple thing could hold so much pain.

Raph felt as if he could vomit again, but was able to hold it down this time. He breathed deeply trying to regain his composure, gulping in the cool night air with loud, shuddering gasps. He could have never guessed the horrible pain and tragedy his brother had met in that jungle.

He shakily picked the journal back up, staring at the pages in front of him. He rubbed his eyes and found his hands came back moist. When had he started to cry? Raph swallowed hard and turned the page away from those horrible pain filled words. He was met with another entry, this one written more normally, though slightly shaky. Raph took a deep breath, trying to regain his courage to continue to read. He had gotten himself in this far and felt he had to finish.

I can't even remember how many days have passed, or even what day it is. I know that the sun has risen and set many times since…since her death. I can't bring myself to leave the cave. Everything reminds me of her. I see her everywhere. I tried, I tried so hard to save her, but I was too late. The pain is still so near, but I feel like the story must be written, so I never forget it, never forget her memory, never forget how I failed her. I had traveled for many days, following the vehicle tracks left behind by the scum who had ransacked the village and taken her. She had been among many other young people from many villages who had been taken by the gang, for what purpose, I still don't know and I no longer care. It took me days to catch up with them, as I had no vehicle to carry me. I came across the filthy camp and had no trouble navigating through it without being seen. But when I came across the prisoners, she was no where to be found. They told me she was taken to another tent with some of the other female prisoners. I quickly freed the ones I had found and told them to hide in the forest while I went for the others. Nothing could have prepared me for what I found. She was there, with three other girls, beaten and bloody. I ran to her side, and she opened her eyes when she felt my hand on her hair, and she did the last thing I thought she would ever be capable of in her state. She smiled at me. She reached her hand out and took mine, and I almost lost it right there. 'I knew you would come for me.' She whispered, not letting go of my hand. Her voice shook me out of my frozen state and I realized I had to get her out of here and get her help as quickly as I could. I quickly freed the other girls and took her into my arms, anger coursing through my veins. I couldn't imagine how any person could be so cruel to another. These punks deserved the worst, and I was itching to deal it to them. But her weight in my arms reminded me that I had much more important things to deal with. I had managed to dispatch a couple of the gang members and hijack a vehicle to get the kids back to the nearest village. Once I had freed them, I took Isabel back to my cave at her request. I fought with her, wanting to take her to a doctor, or someone who knew how to save her, but in the end she won. I saw the pleading in her eyes and I could deny her nothing. I was determined to save her, as she did me months before, but she seemed to know that no amount of medical attention was going to get her past this. Despite my efforts, she kept getting worse, but every time I tried to convince her to go to a doctor, she declined. She told me she wanted to spend her last hours in my company. I tried to argue with her, deny that she wasn't going to die and that I could save her, but she silenced me with one touch to my hand. Tears began to flow from my eyes, she begged me not to cry for her, but how could I not? She told me that the months she had spent with me had been the happiest in her life. She then opened my palm with her weak hands and dropped a small woven necklace into it. When I looked at her with teary, questioning eyes, she told me it was to remember her by, and that as long as I kept the necklace close to me, she always would be close to me too. She whispered to me softly that the reason she had wanted me to meet with her when I returned was for us to sneak away together that night and live our lives together safe and far from here, and that now that safe place would be deep in my heart. Tears fell thickly from my eyes at her words, my heart breaking in two and I tried to choke back my sobs. She had smiled weakly at me, wiping my tears from my cheeks and whispered that she loved me, a look of resigned peace on her face as she held my hand. I sobbingly returned her sediments, holding her broken body tightly in my arms. She died in my arms not long after. The grief I felt was immeasurable. I don't know how long I held her lifeless body in my arms. After an unknown amount of time, I knew I had to return her body to her family. I took her back, wrapped in one of the blankets she had brought for me a long time ago and left her in her bed. Days later I watched her funeral from afar in the trees suffering alone in my deep grief. From there I have lived as a true ghost of myself, unable to move, unable to eat, barely able to breath. But I have finally awaken today, knowing that I can no longer sit around and do nothing as Isabel's killers still wander the jungle, unpunished and free. This is my declaration that those remaining members of the gang will regret the day they hurt her. I failed to save her, but I will not fail again.

Raph felt hot tears making their way down his cheeks as he read the grief filled passage. There were no longer dates marked on the pages, further proving that his brother had lost track of time in his grief. How long did Leo live in that jungle sinking in his own depression and grief? Raph wasn't sure. He only knew that eventually April had found him and had convinced him, somehow to come home, and from what she had described, it seemed as though he had almost forgotten all about any previous life that he had ever lived, almost like he had forgotten about his family. He wondered if this was around the time Leo had stopped writing to them. Their family had deeply resented him for that. Raph felt more bile rise in his throat as realization began to wash over him in sickening waves. They had thought he had outgrown them, thought himself too good to write. The truth behind the months of silence was almost more than Raph could take.

But what had gotten Raph the most was finding out the origin of his brother's necklace. He had come home wearing the small woven band around his neck. It had taken him and his brother's a long time to notice it because Leo always kept the length of it hidden safely under his plastron. When Mikey had finally noticed it, they had asked him where it had come from. Raph remembered how his brother had acted after Mikey had asked him. He had become very stiff and quiet, as if deeply uncomfortable. Finally he had answered that he had made it while in the jungle as a reminder of his training. That had seemed to suit Mikey fine, but Raph could tell there was something else to it. He had found out just how much that band meant to his brother one night during a training run about a month before.

Flashback

Raph was panting heavily as he and his brother's were nearing the end of the training run. This training run was longer than it had ever been before and he and his younger brothers were suffering through it. It seemed like Leo was determined to push them as hard as he could. Raph was getting sick and tired of Leo's endless pushing and training and he was ready to give him a mouth full.

"I'm done!" he shouted, slowing his pace to a walk.

Leo turned around, still jogging in place, a hard look plastered to his face. "Raph, we only have one more mile. You guys can make it." But now that Raph had stopped, the other two were not anxious to get started again either. All of them stood near each other looking at Leo, panting hard.

"We're tired, dude." Mikey said between breaths. "Can't we just walk the rest of the way home?"

Leo had tried to hide the annoyance on his face as he looked from brother to brother. Raph grew a smug look on his face. He had Donny and Mikey on his side, it was time to rebel against order.

"We aren't going any farther, Leo. If you want to run back, you can do it yourself." Raph said, gearing up for a fight.

"It isn't much further." Leo pleaded, trying to get the others to continue.

"You need to get your ears checked, Leo, we said no!" Raph countered, his voice getting harder. "So just stop trying to be Mr. Perfect and let it go."

"I am not trying to be Mr. Perfect, Raph." Leo answered, annoyance entering his voice. "I'm trying to get you guys back into shape. Who knows when the next big threat will be and we have to be ready."

"We are ready." Raph yelled. "We fought Winters' guys and we kicked butt. But you wouldn't remember a lot of that, would you?"

Leo's face became flushed and his mouth settled into a hard line. Raph smiled, he had struck a chord. "Leave it Raph." He said dangerously.

"You're jungle training didn't prepare you for that, did it?" Raph continued, wanting to continue pressing Leo's buttons. He knew he was walking on dangerous territory, that his words were hitting Leo deeply, but he didn't care. Leo had abandoned them for a year, made them think he was dead. Raph had thought he had moved past it after Winters, but all of the unresolved resentment had begun to take hold once again. He was angry and he wanted Leo to know it.

He walked over to Leo's stiff, still form. "Apparently this remnant of your training didn't remind you to keep a look out all around you. Being ambushed is such a rookie mistake." Raph then swiftly grabbed the band and pulled it from Leo's neck.

Leo let out a gasp of surprise and quickly reached out, trying to get the necklace back from his brother, but Raph moved his hand out of Leo's reach before he had a chance to grab it. "What is this thing anyway. It looks stupid to me." Raph continued, seeing every muscle in Leo's body become tense.

"Give it back Raph." Leo said flatly, moving toward Raph to try and grab for the band again. Raph once again moved out of the way just in time.

"I dunno what made you make this thing. Of course, it does match your eyes Fearless." Raph baited. He knew he was getting on his brother's last nerve. He was waiting for Leo to engage him in combat. He was angry at his oldest brother for being insufferable with training these past months, for leaving him and his family for so long, and he was just itching for Leo to come at him once again, like on the rooftop.

"This isn't funny, Raph." Leo said, a hint of panic in his voice. "Give it back."

"It's not meant to be funny, Leo." Raph said, tossing the necklace in the air. Leo drew in a loud breath as he saw the band thrown into the air and took a few steps forward. Raph quickly backed up out of Leo's reach, but he didn't see the edge of the concrete ledge behind him, and as his foot teetered on the surface he almost lost his balance, and he opened his palm involuntarily to steady himself, dropping the necklace into the swirling water below.

"No!" Leo shouted. He stood, staring in shock at the water, but only for a second. He quickly began stripping his weapons from his body, tossing them to the side, and without a second thought, he jumped into the angry waters below.

Donny and Mikey, who had chosen to remain quiet through their brothers' argument, let out a startled gasp as they watched Leo dive into the cold water. Mikey ran over to the side, looking for any sign of their brother. Raph, once he realized what had happened, had quickly knelt down to the edge, his anger gone and horror written in his features. He hadn't meant to drop the necklace, and he definitely hadn't expected Leo to go in after it. He had just been looking for a fight, he hadn't meant for this to happen.

"Leo!" He heard Mikey shout desperately. Minutes had passed painfully, all three younger brothers looking for a sign of the oldest in the murky waters below. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Leo surfaced, coughing and sputtering. Donny and Mikey had rushed over to him and pulled his cold body out of the water. Raph noticed numbly that in his hand he was clutching the brown band as if life itself depended on it. Donny and Mikey pulled Leo over to the wall and propped him up on it as Leo took fast shuddering breaths.

"Leo, are you ok?" Donny asked with concern. Leo didn't answer him. He sat there still, coughing up water occasionally, his breaths shaky and weak.

Raph felt horrible. He hadn't meant to drop the necklace and upset his brother to that extent. All he had wanted was a good fight. He knelt down next to his brother. "Leo, I'm…" But he stopped. At the bottoms of Leo's eyes he could swear he saw moisture beginning to materialize. Was Leo crying?

Leo seemed to realize this at the same time and quickly brought his hands up to his eyes feeling the hot tears that were present. His throat was beginning to swell and his chest was constricting, he felt he was going to die from the overwhelming emotion. Leo looked at the shocked and concerned faces of his brothers, suddenly unable to take the worry and pity in their eyes. He stood, and without another word he took off running in the opposite direction of the lair.

"Leo!" Donny called after him, but Leo kept going, ignoring his voice.

"Damn it," Raph cursed, and took off after his brother, determined to talk to him. He ran as fast as he could, but Leo had always been faster, and as Raph rounded the corner, Leo was gone.

He and his brothers had returned to the lair, all had waited up for Leo's return. Hours later Leo had come through the door, his face white and expressionless. The three had jumped up when they heard him enter.

"Leo," Raph said, but Leo walked by ignoring him, his head bent, his eyes distant. Raph narrowed his eyes at the brush off he received. "Hey Leo, wait up, I was talking to you." But Leo again kept walking. Raph reached out and grabbed Leo's wrist, and gasped when he felt how cold his brother's skin was. Leo's reaction was swift, pulling his wrist from his shocked brother's hand and disappearing quickly behind his bedroom door. Raph stood there with his eyes narrowed. Leo never ignored him.

"Hey, Leo." Raph said, pounding on the door, but there was no sound from the other side. "Leo, open the door. We want to talk to you." The other two had joined Raph on the opposite side of Leo's door, waiting for a response, but none had come, there was only silence. Finally they had all dispersed, leaving their brother alone in his room.

When asked about it the next morning, Leo had apologized for his behavior, chalking it up to him not being used to handling Raph after being away for a year. All of them knew it was a lie, but none of them had the courage to push it further, so the issue was dropped and life had continued as always.

Raph felt like he could vomit for the second time that night. How many times had they misunderstood their brother and in turn had hurt him severely. He didn't understand at the time the meaning of his brother's necklace. He would have never dared touch it if he would have known it represented what it did. He wondered how many more entries Leo had written in here. He flipped to the next one and was shocked at the date. It was only a few months ago.

6/2/07

I have been home now for a month and a half, I believe. Coming home began with a very rocky start. The pain I feel over the loss of Isabel is still raw and near, and I fear it will never lessen. The burden I have brought home with me I fear is my own. My family would never understand. I am having a hard enough time with them without burdening them with my problems. I hurt my brothers deeply by leaving them for a year. Mikey has been a constant presence, as if he fears I will leave suddenly again. Don is more withdrawn from me than he used to be, and Raph, well Raph and I jumped right back into fighting, but it has escalated to a point it never had before. We had physically fought, weapons drawn, on a rooftop only a few days after my return. The anger in his eyes directed toward me had startled me and had caused me to faulter giving him the upper hand. At first I thought he was going to kill me. His sais had fallen dangerously close to my neck, his eyes were practically red with rage. I had no idea how much I had hurt and angered him by leaving. Some of that anger of his dissipated after the Winters incident. I think he blamed himself for my capture, but I know deep down it was only my weakness that led me to that situation. Because of that I had forced my family into danger in order to save me. I have failed them in so many ways, just as I failed her. I am forced to wonder every day if I was ever good enough to be their leader. Splinter told me on my return that my training had made me stronger, but I believe he has erred deeply in assuming this. Even after spending a year in Central America, I am still only met by failure. I failed Isabel back in the jungles, I failed my family by allowing myself to get captured and forcing them into combat, and I failed my father by not becoming the leader he always wanted me to be. I am starting to find it harder and harder to fill the large void that has burrowed its way into my soul. I feel nothing, and I am becoming worthless. I am no good to anyone anymore, but all I can do is continue to try because I know it is what she would have wanted. I keep pushing myself harder and harder, and pushing my brothers harder as well. I can only hope that if I push them to train, they will be able to make up for my failures as a big brother and a leader, and be able to take care of themselves.

Raph swallowed hard, frightened by the sadness and hopelessness he recognized in his brother's writing. Raph managed to turn the page and came to another entry.

7/4/07

I don't know how much more I can take of this life. I had originally thought that returning home to my family would help me mend some of the wounds that I had sustained while in Central America, but my feelings of hopelessness and failure have only grown stronger since I have returned home. She haunts me every waking and sleeping moment. I wake up every morning with tears in my eyes threatening to spill over. I have gotten into the habit of running every morning, pushing myself until I am physically unable to cry. My family has just assumed I can't get enough exercise, and that is a relief. I can't speak of her, especially not to them. I have never experienced loss like this before. I cannot escape the grief, and it is killing me slowly from the inside. And to make matters worse, I feel like I am losing my family as well. Mikey is becoming less responsive to me, almost as though he is losing any respect he ever had for me, and who could blame him? Donny is about the same with me as he was when I returned, and I don't know exactly if that is a good thing or a bad thing. But Raph, Raph has decided to challenge me every change he gets. Things had gotten better for awhile after Winters, but that was months ago, and now he comes at me harder than ever. I think he senses my weakness which spurs him on to fight me harder. He truly resents me and everything that I do. Every time I want them to train I get a hard time, and every time I nag on them about their safety, I push them further away. Even though I know that every time I do these things I lose them more, I can't bring myself to stop. I am terrified about failing them, and I cannot allow that to happen. I cannot lose them like I lost her. And so I continue to push and I continue to nag, knowing that every word I say to them causes them to dislike me more and more. Waking up in the morning is getting harder and harder to do, but I must, as they are now my sole purpose for continuing on. As long as they need me and as long as I can try and protect them I will continue on, though every day I feel like I am suffocating more in my own grief and sense of failure. I am a failure, I know that now, but my last purpose in life is to make sure they are not, and to make sure they will be able to live on. I feel like I am locked in my own body, screaming at the top of my lungs for help, but no one can hear me. I am invisible, a shell of what I once was.

It was getting harder for Raph to continue reading the hopeless words of his brother. He had always thought Leo was the strongest of them all. To read of him in such a vulnerable and weakened state of mind chilled Raph to the core. He was starting to really worry about the damage he had done to his brother by saying those last words to him, those three horrible words. Leo had already been sinking, had Raph pushed his head further under?

He sighed and turned the page and realized he had made it to the last entry in the diary. It was short, the writing shaky and unsure. Raph looked at the date and realized Leo had only written it about two weeks ago. He took a deep breath, determined to finish what he had started.

7/16/07

I can't remember what I'm doing, or why I'm lying here tonight. I can't stand the pain any longer and no matter what I do I can't make it go away. How could this have happened to me? How could my life have taken such a turn for the worse. I would have never guessed in a million years that this is where I'd be at my young age, feeling my urge to keep going dwindling as each morning rises. I feel like I'm fading away into the night, and one morning I will have disappeared into nothingness. I'm slipping off the edge, barely hanging by the smallest thread. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing I do has meaning and nothing in my life brings me happiness anymore. I can only hope that soon this will all be over, and there will be no more pain.

Raph let out a bellowing scream, angry at his own blindness to his brother's deep depression. He had never realized that Leo had returned from Central America drowning in his own feelings of loss. His brother was either a master actor or the family had not paid enough attention. Raph had a feeling he knew which of the two it was. He and the rest of the family had failed Leo. They had beaten his battered spirit time and time again, and Raph feared deep down that his final words to his brother had finally broken him. He suddenly felt a red hot rage taking over. Rage at his family and rage at himself for failing to see how much their brother was suffering. They were all selfishly caught up in their own worlds and as a result their oldest brother had been drowning right before their eyes, and none of them had tossed him a rope, and had possibly pushed him further under.

Raph was suddenly on his feet, making his way back down to the basement, his vision blurred with rage and grief. As he stumbled to the bottom of the stairs, he took the book and chucked it as hard as he could across the room with a loud growl.

The other two turtles both stopped what they were doing to stare at their raging brother. Splinter eyed him cautiously, unsure of what had caused this blind anger in his son. Raph let out another angry growl and threw a pile of old boxes to the floor, causing them to hit with a loud crash.

"Raphael!" Splinter yelled, standing up and ready to intervene.

"We failed him!" He yelled, grabbing another stack of boxes and throwing them to the ground, their contents shattering on the floor. "He was drowning in front of our very eyes and we were too caught up with ourselves to even notice!"

"What are you talking about?" Don asked, standing protectively between his raging brother and his injured one, unsure of what Raph was going to do next.

"I read it. I read it all!" Raph yelled, pointing to the black book that lay discarded on the floor. "He was deeply depressed when he came home from that damn jungle, deeply depressed, and all we did was give him a hard time. We broke him!"

Splinter cautiously made his way to the book Raph was pointing at, opening it to the front cover and realizing immediately what it was.

"Raphael, where did you get this?" Splinter whispered, staring at the black cover.

"I found it in Leo's bedroom the night…the night we were gathering stuff to bring here." Raph explained, his chest heaving in and out with each pained breath. "And I know I shouldn't have read it, but I did. And I'm glad I did. There was so much he didn't tell us, so much we didn't know about him." Raph suddenly felt the anger begin to leave his body and he slowly sank to the floor. "He was depressed sensei, and we broke him."

Splinter looked at his son, then back at the book. What Leo had written in here had obviously disturbed Raphael deeply. "Read it." Raph said, his voice barely above a whisper now. "Read it and you will understand."