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The next day passed with frustrating swiftness, and Raph found himself struggling to find the words and the courage to keep his promise. After reading Leo's journal, Raph now understood that he was part of the reason why Leo was in the state he was in and Raph hated that. He hated knowing that he was causing his brother pain, physical or emotional.
As the sun began to set and the day began to wind down Raph knew he was running out of time. It had to happen soon. Raph took a deep breath and his stomach twisted uncomfortably as he glanced at his brother across the room.
Mikey was sitting with him on the arm of the couch playing his handheld Nintendo DS while Leo watched with a small smile gracing his features. From across the room his older brother looked happy and normal as if nothing was bothering him and as if everything in his life was perfect. But Raph knew better. The whole family now knew better. The family knew they needed to unite to help their sibling through his rough time, as he had helped them so many times in the past, and, Raph knew, the healing started with him clearing things up with Leo.
He took another deep breath, trying to calm the butterflies in his stomach, and stood, slowly making his way over to his brother's side.
"Come on, D.K., go, go!" Mikey yelled at the screen, moving the small video game as if the physical movements were translating to the game.
"Watch out for the banana peel!" Leo warned, and snickered while Mikey cursed as his car spun out and three more racers passed him.
"Son of a…I hate that Princess!" Mikey exclaimed. "Stupid piece of fungus!"
Don, from his position behind Leo, leaned over to get a better glimpse of the game. "There's a way you can avoid spinning out on those." He informed the frustrated youngest.
"D.K. loves bananas!" Mikey yelled in his defense. "He shouldn't have to avoid them! He should be immune!" Don met Leo's gaze quickly and both simultaneously rolled their eyes, but grinned.
A large shadow suddenly loomed over Mikey's game and he chanced a look up to see his red banded brother looking down at him, biting his lower lip nervously.
"Hey guys, you mind if I have a word with Leo alone?" Raph asked, his voice stronger than he felt inside.
"Yeah, sure," Don said quickly, letting out a relieved sigh, knowing a talk between Leo and Raph was long over due.
"Aww, can't I just finish this race?" Mikey asked, looking between Raph and the game. Mikey let out a yelp as he felt Don painfully tug at his bandana knot from above as a response. "Oww, dude, alright, I'm coming." Mikey jumped from his seat, rubbing the back of his head tenderly, and shot Raph a reassuring gaze before turning and following Donny across the room and out of earshot.
Leo had immediately sobered at the mention of his name from Raph and his eyes had dropped away from where Raph was standing. Raph took another deep breath as he felt the butterflies in his stomach once again take flight. He could do this. He was a ninja turtle for God sake, how hard could it be to talk feelings to his oldest brother? Raph paled slightly, feeling even more nauseous.
He slowly lowered himself into the chair that sat next to his brother's side. He stared at his hands nervously, suddenly unsure of what to say. Every word that he had rehearsed with himself through the day left him in a flash, leaving his mind blank and vulnerable. He could hear Leo breathing heavily next to him. When he looked up he met the bright green eyes of Leo's fluffy constant shadow looking at him curiously. He clenched his teeth, determined not to give up.
"So…" Raph started, his voice suddenly unsure. "How're you feelin?"
"Like I've been run over by a bus." Leo said flatly, not raising his eyes. He locked his gaze intently on the small cat who was staring Raph down with her intense eyes.
Raph's mouth opened, then closed with lack of words. He was not expecting such blatant honesty and suddenly found himself speechless again. He once again stared down at his hands. His stomach did a violent flip and he felt a slight blush reach his cheeks.
"Leo…I…" Raph started, then went silent. Damn it, he could do this. He looked up and saw Leo still avoiding his gaze. He took another deep breath and knitted his brow in determination. He was going to fix this. "Leo…I…I just…" He sighed. "I'm sorry."
Leo looked up suddenly and met Raph's gaze, his eyes wide. Raph tried to keep the eye contact but suddenly found himself unable to meet his brother's intense stare. Leo had an annoying way of staring at you as if he could read right through you. Raph swallowed hard and once again looked at his hands.
"Raph…" Leo started softly.
"No, let me finish." Raph said shortly, frustrated at himself. Leo quieted and quickly looked away again at Raph's words. 'Come on Raph,' he thought to himself. 'This is just Leo, he's your brother, he's your family.'
"I…Leo, I don't hate you." Raph muttered softly. He noticed Leo turned his head back toward him at the words but Raph couldn't bring himself to make eye contact again. "I've never hated you. Never." He took a deep breath and ran his hand over the top of his head absent mindedly, trying to continue. "I mean, you annoy me sometimes, sure, and you can be overbearing, and bossy, and sometimes you drive me up the wall…"
Leo frowned, unsure of whether he should feel better or worse about Raph's rant, but didn't have time to come to a conclusion, because Raph continued.
"…but, that's just you. That's just Leo, just our big brother. And…" Raph swallowed back the lump forming in his throat. "And I love my big brother. I'm sorry for ever making you think otherwise."
Raph was breathing hard, his chest constricting painfully in response to the deep emotions he was feeling. He chanced a look up at his brother's face and saw Leo looking back at him, his deep brown eyes filled with relief.
"I love you too, Raph." Leo said softly. Raph took a deep breath, his body suddenly feeling a lot lighter now that the heavy weight of those three words had been lifted from his tired shoulders.
"I know I give you a hard time sometimes," Raph admitted, a small smirk crossing his face at the obviousness of that statement. He heard Leo snort softly in agreement. "But I don't mean to hurt ya. I know I do sometimes, but, I really don't mean it. I just like questioning authority, ya know? And when you left us for so long without so much as a goodbye, I just felt…I just resented…I…"
Leo held up his hand silently, causing Raph's words to fade from his lips. Leo locked his gaze with his younger brother's and put a gentle hand across his brother's slightly trembling one. "I am at much at fault for our fights of late as you." He said simply, but firmly. "And I owe you an apology for hurting you and our family so deeply by not writing, by not coming home sooner. I just, I got lost out there…" Leo's words faded away and he became silent, not trusting himself to speak further.
Raph once again was reminded of Leo's journal and what had happened to his brother so far away, what had caused him to stay away for so long without word. "There is nothing to forgive." He said, and he meant it. "I'm not angry about it anymore. I'm not…"
He smiled at Leo and leaned over and wrapped his big brother in a tight embrace and sighed with relief when Leo returned it.
"I was so scared we were gonna lose you man." Raph admitted, his voice thick with emotion. "I dunno what the team would do without you. I dunno what I would do without you." He felt Leo tighten his grip around him and leaned farther into the hug, gaining the comfort he had needed desperately for the past week.
After what seemed like forever, Raph and Leo broke their bond and Raph leaned back awkwardly in his chair, giving Leo a sheepish smile. Leo returned the smile. Raph sighed softly, his eyes feeling heavy. He yawned.
"So, we're O.K.?" Raph asked bluntly.
Leo smiled gently and nodded. "Of course. Always."
"I'm glad we worked this out." Raph said honestly, stifling another yawn. "Now we just need to get you through your funk and we can all get back to being normal again."
"Funk?" Leo asked confused. "What are you talking about?"
Raph froze, realizing what he said. "Nothing." He answered quickly and turned his eyes away.
"Raph, what are you talking about?" Leo asked again, seeing right through Raph's attempt to change the subject.
Raph shifted uncomfortably in his chair. There was no avoiding it now. 'Damn my big mouth.' He thought.
"Don't get mad, O.K.?" Raph pleaded. He saw Leo's muscles tense at that introduction. "I know about how you've been feelin lately. How you've been feelin really down, you know, your depression."
"My…what?" Leo asked weakly. His mouth suddenly felt dry, all of the good feelings he had felt at his and Raph's reconciliation melted away into dread.
"We meant well…I…I just wanted to understand you better, you know?" Raph babbled, his nervousness rising once again. Leo's gaze never wavered as he watched Raph fumble with his words.
"Raph…" Leo started.
"We read your journal." Raph blurted, then sharply breathed in and waited for Leo's response.
Leo was silent for a moment, but only a moment as he took in this horrible bit of information. A thousand emotions crossed his face at once. Bile began to rise in his throat and his face paled.
"You…you what?" Leo asked, barely recognizing the voice as his own. He swallowed thickly.
"I…we…we read your journal. We know everything." Raph said, his voice growing softer until it was barely above a whisper. Leo's reaction was killing him and guilt began to crush him once again.
Leo suddenly felt like he couldn't get air. He gasped once, then again, and again but couldn't get the air he needed to fill his lungs. He needed air…
"How…how could you?" Leo pushed out, his voice rising. "I…all of you?"
Raph nodded slowly.
"That is private…my private thoughts…how could you?" Leo choked. He began to feel sicker by the minute as he began to remember some of what he had written within the pages of the book that was no longer private.
"How could we not!?" Raph asked, suddenly feeling defensive. "My God, Leo. All of the things that happened to you, all of what you were feeling. I found it by accident, and I started off reading it because I wanted to understand you better, but ended up discovering you were hiding depression. How could you not tell us what happened to you!?"
"Get…get away…" Leo said in between gasps. He grasped at his neck as if that would help open up his airway.
"No," Raph said stubbornly.
"Give me my book!" Leo said, suddenly feeling a deep anger take hold. His family had betrayed his privacy and his trust. They had betrayed him.
Raph pulled the book from behind him where Mikey had left it after he was done. It sat there silently in his hands, the pages slightly worn from use. Leo saw it and reached for it desperately as if his life depended on it.
Raph pulled the book just out of Leo's reach. "We need to talk about this stuff, man." Raph said, fixing Leo with a firm stare. "There's a lot that's happened in here. You've been through a lot, and…"
"Shut up!" Leo exclaimed, his voice turning frantic. "Give me the book!"
"Guys, what's going on?" Donny asked, making his way over to the duo in response to the raising voices. He saw Raph holding the book and immediately knew. His face paled.
"Give me the book and get away, all of you!" Leo yelled. He lurched his body forward in a mad grasp for the book, not caring about the pain he was feeling. Raph once again pulled it out of his grasp, his eyes narrowing.
"We aren't gonna let this go." Raph said firmly.
"Guys, stop." Mikey pleaded, now making his way over nervously. Splinter silently followed behind, ready to intervene if necessary.
"Oh great, the whole family of betrayers." Leo spat out venomously, ignoring the flinches that passed over his guilty brother's faces. He was still gasping for air, but now it was out of deep seated anger. "Give it to me, now!"
"No, Leo." Raph said.
Leo growled with rage and panic, and suddenly made another wild attempt to grab the book, but reached too far and as his weight shifted his body slid roughly from the couch and to the hard floor below. He let out a muffled groan as his bandaged shoulder hit the ground and pain overwhelmed him.
"Leo!" Mikey exclaimed, moving quickly to his brother's side.
Raph jumped to his feet in horror. Don pushed him out of the way quickly to get to Leo, but Leo mustered up the strength to lash out.
"Don't touch me." He squeezed out through pain filled gasps, putting his hand up defiantly at Don. Don recoiled his hand quickly as if avoiding the bite of a dangerous animal, his face filled with shame. "Don't touch…" but Leo never finished the sentence. The pain became too much and his body lost its fight with consciousness.
"Leo?" Don asked frantically. He moved quickly to Leo's side and felt for a pulse, and found one beating steadily under his fingers. He breathed a sigh of relief. "Help me get him back on the couch." Don said shakily, moving quickly to lift Leo from the cold floor.
Mikey immediately jumped into action, helping Don lift Leo back to the couch.
Raph watched numbly, dread washing over him as he realized what he had done. Leo was still fragile, both in body and mind, and Raph had just caused him more pain. Everything he ever did ended up hurting Leo. Raph felt deeply ashamed of himself and slowly began to back away from the scene, afraid to hurt Leo anymore.
He carefully laid the book on the couch next to where Leo was, then, while everyone was paying attention to getting Leo situated once more, snuck out into the cold night.
Splinter sat silently in the big chair that Raphael had been occupying only moments before trying to still his wildly beating heart. He watched as Donatello moved around Leonardo quickly, checking all of his wounds and making sure there wasn't any serious damage done.
But there had been serious damage done, damage that couldn't be seen on the outside. Leonardo now knew about the journal, and his reaction had been anything but good. Splinter had been sitting across the room and had watched silently and with much relief as Raphael made his way to Leo's side and seemed to reconcile with his eldest brother. But things had quickly turned from good to seriously wrong in no time at all.
For some reason that Splinter did not know yet, Raphael had chosen to tell Leonardo about the journal. Leonardo's reaction had been severe, more so than Splinter could have imagined. The anger and hurt and grief that were written on those seemingly innocent pages must run deeper within his reserved son than any of them had thought possible. Leonardo felt as though his family had betrayed him. Not a good start to healing.
Splinter let out a deep sigh. 'Leonardo, why do you feel you must suffer on your own?' he thought sadly to himself.
"How could he have done that?" Donatello asked, breaking the silence, his voice flat with anger. Splinter was brought out of his thoughts at the question and met the eyes of his purple clad son.
"I do not know what transpired, Donatello, so I do not have an answer to that question." Splinter said.
"We all knew Leo needed to talk about this, but we knew to wait. He could have been seriously hurt!" Donatello vented in frustration. He had worked so hard to keep Leonardo safe and alive and seeing Leonardo suffer the setback he had tonight had frightened Donatello to the core. It had frightened them all.
"Where is Raphael?" Splinter asked. He knew Raphael had disappeared not long after the incident, but hoped that maybe one of the other boys had seen or heard where he went.
"Who knows, but he'd do well to stay away for awhile." Donatello spat, his eyes narrowed.
"Donatello, do not judge your brother in such a way. I am sure Raphael never meant for this to happen." Splinter pleaded.
"Whatever," Donatello replied hotly.
"I'll go find him." Michelangelo volunteered. His worry for both of his older brothers was reaching a peak and Mikey needed to be able to feel useful.
"No, Michelangelo." Splinter said softly. "I will go."
He watched as his son closed his mouth and became silent, his face falling. Splinter stood and grabbed his walking stick. This was something that he had to speak with Raphael about and it would be better sooner than later.
"Take care of Leonardo," Splinter said, putting a soft hand on Michelangelo's shoulder. "And do not be angry at Raphael. I will speak with him." Splinter said to Donatello. He watched as Donatello heaved a deep sigh, but nodded.
"I will be back shortly." Splinter said, and with that he made his way up the darkened stairs and out into the New York night.
Raph sat silently in the cold night on a soft patch of grass, his knees drawn tightly up to his body and his arms hugging them tightly. He watched the movements of the large lion in the cage in front of him as it paced up and down in front of the bars, its majestic mane blowing softly in the cool night breeze.
Raph sniffled lightly and rubbed his hand over his wet eyes trying to get rid of the tears. The lion stopped pacing and sat down, eyeing the large turtle with its glowing yellow orbs. The lion had always been Raph's favorite animal when he was a kid. The lion was big, strong, swift, intelligent, and loyal. Raph had always been drawn to them because he had always wanted to be the same. Looking at the caged lion in front of him, though, Raph could see more of himself in that animal than ever before. The lion still had all of the qualities that Raph had admired in the animal as a kid, but they were locked tightly behind strong iron bars, keeping the majesty of the creature stifled and locked away. Raph's walls that he had built around himself reminded him sickly of the same thing. He wanted so badly to be closer with his family, to be stronger, but the high walls he had built around himself to hide his emotions away from the world stifled everything that he felt he could be.
Raph felt more hot tears begin to run down his face and his breaths became hitched as soft sobs once again began to take over. It seemed like no matter what he did he was always causing his family more pain. He never meant to, it was never intentional. He loved his family dearly, but somehow he always managed to hurt them.
He heard soft footsteps approach him from behind but couldn't bring himself to lift his head from his arms. He knew who neared without seeing who the figure was. He could recognize those padded footfalls anywhere. He took deep breaths trying to quiet his crying as he heard the figure come closer. He was slightly shocked when the old rat sat next to him and put his arm around Raph's shoulders and pulled him closer into a comforting embrace. Raph leaned heavily into his father's reassuring arms, almost as he used to do when he was a frightened child.
"Is…is Leo O.K.?" Raph choked out nervously, needing desperately to know the answer.
"Yes, Leonardo will be fine." Splinter said. "Donatello has made him comfortable once again. He is resting now."
"I'm sorry sensei." Raph said thickly. "I've ruined everything."
"No Raphael, you have not." Splinter answered.
"I really could have hurt him." Raph said guiltily. "It was an accident, bringing up the journal. I hadn't meant to."
"I know." Splinter said softly.
"We…we really hurt him, didn't we?" Raph said, sniffling once again.
"Leonardo's pride and trust was wounded tonight, I'm afraid." Splinter answered. He squeezed Raph's shoulder reassuringly. "But we will get through to him. We are all family, and though he is mad at us now, it will not remain so."
"I didn't expect him to react like that." Raph admitted, looking over at his father's soft face. "Even when I imagined telling him I never thought reading that journal would hurt him that badly. I regret it. I regret I ever found that damn thing."
"Do not say that." Splinter said, taking Raph's hand within his own. "That journal alerted us to Leonardo's pain. Leonardo has always felt the need to suffer in silence. He has never wanted to burden his family with his own problems, a flaw that has stuck with him since childhood." Splinter took a deep breath and continued. "If you had never found that book we would not have ever known and Leonardo would have continued to suffer by himself until his own grief swallowed him whole. By finding that book you may have saved his life, though it doesn't seem like it now."
"I just, I want to stop causing him pain." Raph said, guilt once again settling in his stomach. "I want things to go back to the way they were. I miss being best friends with Leo. I miss how we used to be."
"Things can change, my son. These next few days will be very important in Leonardo's recovery. Be there for him. Be his best friend. Be his brother." Splinter said, meeting his black orbs with his son's brown ones. "Things can change, people can change. Nothing is set in stone Raphael."
Raph nodded and took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. He leaned softly into his father's arm searching for comfort. His father tightened his hold around his shoulders. Raph began to feel wariness take hold and let out a long yawn and shivered slightly as the cool breeze kissed his skin. He saw Splinter smile softly at him.
"Come Raphael, let's go back." Splinter said, stiffly rising to his feet. Raphael nodded and followed suit, slowly getting to his feet. He began to follow his sensei back toward the clinic, but stopped, turning to look back at the large beast behind him, still staring at him from between the large iron bars.
"I will no longer be held back by barriers." He said softly to himself. "No more."
Raph then turned back toward his father and followed the rat towards the clinic and his brothers, resolution in every step he took.