Nothing At All: Elisabeth

I apologize for not updating sooner! I've been pretty busy and had a touch a writer's block for a while. But I'm back and ready to get this story moving along again! Thank you to everyone who has been reading, please remember to review!

I shiver ran down my spine as the iron gate swung open to admit me into the courtyard of the mental institution. I had been told that it would be a smart political move if The Empress of Austria were seen paying a visit to the mentally disturbed. I decided not to question the tactic, knowing that sooner or later I would need to carry it out.

My life had changed a great deal over the past years. Because I had enforced my ultimatum I now had the control over my own life and my children's lives. I was no longer restricted from making my own decisions and choosing my own paths, though I suspected that The Archduchess was simply waiting for a moment to strike. I will admit that I was beginning to pull away from my family, but the space was precious to me.

My thoughts snapped back to the present as I heard the sound of a woman shouting from somewhere ahead of me. As I turned a corner in the hallways I saw that the person who was making the sound.

She was the only person inside of a medium sized room separate from the other patients. In the door a small, bared window was set, allowing me to hear what she was saying.

"You must obey me! Do you realize who you are talking to? I am your Empress! I am Elisabeth!"

My blood froze for a moment as her words reached my ears. This deranged woman believed that she was me. I reached out and stopped a nurse who was hurrying past.

"Excuse me, who is that woman?"

"Her your Highness? She has been here for about a year. We do not know exactly what caused her illness. She's been raving and ranting about…well about being you your Highness, since she arrived. We thought it best to keep her separated from the others, she does have a tendency to become violent at times."

I don't know why I felt a sudden need to speak with this woman, to see her, but I did.

"Take me to her." I could see the nurse's eyes widen and saw the uncertainty on her face at my request. But then she seemed to accept my wishes and lead me over to the door. She whispered to the man standing guard and he slowly stepped aside.

As I entered the room I could make out the small figure huddled in the corner. She was wearing a white hospital gown and was clutching something tightly in her hands. Dirty brown hair fell over her face and her skin looked oddly gray in the dim light. I could hear her muttering something under her breath and I saw that she was shaking, although the room was not cold. She would not meet my eyes as I stopped and looked down at her. With a slight shudder her whispered words finally reached my ears in the stillness:

"I am Elisabeth…I am Elisabeth…Elisabeth." I closed my eyes a moment, taking a deep breath and willing myself to stay. I don't know why I felt drawn to the woman, why I needed to speak with her. Nevertheless, I knelt down close to her, not caring if my gown got dirty, there were more important matters here.

As soon as I was beside her she stiffened, sitting up quickly and glaring at me. As she brought her arm up I saw that the object she was holding was a paper fan, worn with age and dust. Yet she began fanning herself with it, flourishing it as if it were made of the worlds finest silk.

"Get out! Do you know who I am? I am the great Empress Elisabeth of Austria and you are not welcome here!" At once she stood up, looking at something off to the side. A smile grew on her face as she held out an invisible gown, bowing to someone that only she could see. I watched with chills crawling up my spine as the woman began to dance, her arms held up and her feet surprisingly light on the cold floor. A picture flashed into my head of myself dancing in much the same way, though with a much different partner. Der Tod's ice blue eyes bored into mine as I remembered, his long dark coat trailing on the ground….

I shook my head and forced myself back into the present. The woman had stopped dancing now and had knelt onto the floor, humming softly to herself. I watched as she paused, smiling softly.

"I am Elisabeth." With a smile still on her face she lay down on the floor, turning the paper fan over and over in her hands. I gazed at her, awed by how free she seemed. Even though she was clearly mad, she did not have to answer to anyone. This woman was free be whatever she wanted, free to make her own rules and to live her life in any way she choose. She simply had to dream it.

"I wish I were like you,"

I heard myself whisper, my voice still echoing in the quiet room. I looked down at my gown, at my hands, feeling more trapped than ever.

"A straightjacket placed in a corset. One constricts only your body…one shackles my soul."

I smiled bitterly, closing my eyes and placing one hand on the cold wall of the cell.

"I have struggled and defied all and what have I attained?"

I paused, shaking my head slowly as I let my hand fall limply into my lap.

"Nothing…nothing…nothing at all."

I looked over at the woman still lying on the floor, humming occasionally.

"Then the only explanation was the madness. And the only escape was the collapse."

I remembered how I had very nearly surrendered to Der Tod when he had appeared in my bedroom. I had felt empty inside, just as I did now. I wanted to leave this complicated mess my life had become and surrender to freedom.

"The abyss tempted me…I want to let myself fall. Why do I shudder before the leap?"

I got to my feet now, imagining the fields I used to play in as a child, free of decisions, power and rules. I wanted to return to that life, but I felt that it was too late.

"If I were not damned to be Elisabeth…if I were Titania, I would laugh when they say 'she is crazy!' I stand on the rope and the fear makes me sick, then I look below and I see nothing, nothing, nothing at all."

I could hear myself growing louder, my voice clearing echoing throughout the room. I did not care who heard me, did not care that this was certainly no way for an Empress to behave. I felt my emotions boiling inside me, rising to the surface, and I had to let them free.

"I grope further and with a searching step am always afraid of nothing, nothing! Nothing at all. Probably only the madness makes me free…surely the madness stained my courage. So I act strong and do what I must, otherwise…"

I froze, my arm clutching at my chest, the other straight by my side. I felt my voice soften slightly as my thoughts caught up with my emotions.

"Otherwise this life was nothing more than deception, error…fraud."

I realized that I was standing above the young woman who was peering up at me with confusion. I slowly sank down next to her and this time she did not pull away.

"Nothing, nothing…"

I gently prised the paper fan from the woman's grasp and slowly presented her with the ornate silk fan that I carried. Her eyes went wide at the sight of it and with trembling hands she took the fan from me. I felt a smile flitter across my face as the woman stroked the silk fan, a grin on her lips.

"Nothing at all."

I sincerely apologize for have neglected this fan fic for quite some time. There really is no excuse except that I just did not feel motivated to work on it. But I've recently fallen in love with Elisabeth all over again and I want to finish this fic. I apologize again and I will be updating more often! Thank you! Please Read and Review!

GreenGirl