Bo couldn't ever remember a Christmas where he had felt more down, not even when Luke first went off to the Marines….it was nothing compared to how this felt. Luke's statement about God, the thing they had believed in all their lives and how little it now meant to him had hit him harder than any punch could have done and although Jesse didn't show it, Bo could see in the older man's eyes that it had hurt him too.
Luke was a changed man, they all knew he would be after everything he had suffered…but the man that had returned to them was not the Luke they had grown up with. This man was someone different, someone alien who looked and acted like his cousin sometimes….but the brother figure he had once had was still MIA, and for some reason no one could seem to find him again.
Immediately after the tense saddened breakfast round the table, the three Dukes set off for church while they left their lost one behind. Bo had fought vehemently against Jesse, something he hadn't done in a long while, to let him stay at the farm with Luke so not only could they sort this out but so they could also sort out the reasoning behind Luke's lashing out the night before. However, it was not Jesse that had said no….it had been Luke.
It had been Luke to tell Bo that he didn't want him at the farm…Luke who had said that he was better off carrying on with his life in the way he had always done, while Luke took his in the new direction it was heading. Bo of course didn't agree with it and had then ended up having another argument with Luke which had again ended badly with Luke storming off to the barn and Bo having said a lot of hurtful words he really didn't mean.
And so, Bo now sat sulking and ashamed in the cab of the truck in between Daisy and Jesse, watching the scenery go by in the swirling snow as though it were the most interesting thing in the world, his bruised jaw throbbing painfully as if reminding him of the hurt he had caused his older cousin and visa versa, while Daisy looked on sadly. When they had received the news that Luke was coming home, finally after so many years, no one had been happier than Bo. He had literally been bouncing with a new found energy and could talk of nothing but the activities that he so looked forward to doing with Luke.
But now as she watched him, she saw that the light of youthful excitement and merriment that had always appeared in those baby blue eyes at this time of year, had disappeared and been replaced by a saddened glisten of tears that she didn't even think he knew were there and to be honest she wasn't at all surprised….she felt just like bursting into tears too. What was so good about having a Luke home that wasn't even their Luke anymore….and would Luke ever actually be able to return to them.
Swallowing as they made their way down the back roads in the old truck, Daisy slipped her arm around Bo's shoulder and pulled him close. She didn't need to say anything to him and she was grateful for that because she didn't know if she could without breaking down. No, all Bo needed to know was that he still had family and they would support each other through this rough time and maybe, just maybe, when the preacher talked about the deaths of soldiers and those who had made it home, Bo wouldn't break down.
Jesse too remained silent all the way to the church, noticing the actions between the two cousins out of the corner of his eye but not ever directly looking at them. Inwardly he sighed, wishing it could be his three children with him as it should be with Luke back home…but then again no amount of wishing or praying would be able to bring him that miracle. No, this was something that Lukas Duke had to find in himself, had to realise in his heart whether or not what he was feeling was true or just the result of the overwhelming emotions that he had finally allowed to break free. Jesse hoped it was the latter, but a small part of him secretly feared that it was this Luke that was here to stay…that he had lost his oldest boy forever. A war could kill people with bullet's and bombs, but for those that survived that first stage came the hardest fight of their lives…against the painful memories that would be forever implanted in their minds to allow them to once more return to some state of 'normality'. That was what really killed them.
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Luke watched his family depart from the hayloft window in the barn, tears rolling silently from dark ringed eyes down battle-worn cheeks, soaking softly into the golden strands of hay that lay beneath him. At that moment, there was nothing that Luke wanted more than to be back in the battlefield where at least the pain of getting hit by a bullet could be easily dealt with and then he would be put back into action again. Having to lay there on his own, suffering the anguish of the wounds his cousin's words had inflicted upon his heart was unbearable and there was no way to escape it.
He shuddered gently from not only the cold of the air as the snow blew a little into the barn, its speed and heaviness increasing, but also from the wounding words still repeating like a broken record in his head along with the images he had of his shameful actions the night before….how could he have hit Bo like that….sure he was upset but that was something he never should have done, never. He would make it up to Bo, he would. Despite what Bo had said, he knew that Bo too was upset and disturbed by how Luke was acting and if Luke could use that as reasoning behind the lashing out then Bo could too. Neither of them should have done what they did, but holding a grudge was definitely not something they should do.
While he didn't believe in God or anything like that anymore, Christmas was still his favourite holiday and while he still had that to look forward to, to finally spend a Christmas with his family and share the excitement this evening with Bo when they were in bed as they had always done then he could carry on. For Luke, Christmas was never about the gifts or the decorations or the food…no….for Luke it was and always would be about spending time with his family. Even now, when he had pushed them away so far with his new attitude, he prayed….no…he didn't pray anymore….he hoped that they would still share the excitement over Christmas with him….it was the only thing keeping him from running straight back to the recruitment offices…then again, he couldn't blame them if they didn't.
Eventually he got up and headed back inside, the coldness of the air outside just being too unbearable as it mixed with the coldness he felt in his heart, battling his way through the flurry of flakes and into the warm, cosy living room. He frowned slightly as he looked outside and saw just how heavy the snow had gotten….at least Daisy would be pleased as it seemed to be settling.
Looking around he sighed slightly as he saw just how half heartedly the house had been decorated. The gorgeous Christmas tree he, Bo and Daisy had picked out looked barer than usual….and it was then that he realised it was his favourite decorations that had been left out of the decorating. Whether it was because they didn't want to see him rip them down or whether they thought Luke just didn't want them up he didn't know….all he did know was that they were going to be right alongside the rest of them come hell or high water. 'Nam had taken a lot away from him, his beliefs, his life and to some extent his family….this was not something he was going to let it take away. Running upstairs to the loft, he smiled a little to himself as he imagined the shock and surprise on their faces…but also thought sadly of Rob's family…who would be planning his funeral instead of having the Christmas they deserved…
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Somehow, the Dukes managed to make it through the sermon even if their minds weren't focused totally on it…well everyone could tell Bo's wasn't as he sat there with a glassy look in his eyes, absorbed in his own thoughts. As the preacher said his last words though, Bo was the first one to his feet and was practically running down the aisle to the doors, Daisy in tow not far behind him. They wanted to get back to Luke as soon as they could….unfortunately….that wouldn't be for some time they all realised with gasps and swallows of yells of frustration as Bo opened the doors.
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Luke smiled as he finished the mugs of hot chocolate with a small squirt of fresh cream and a marshmallow on the top, dusted lightly with coco powder, knowing his family would be back soon. The fire was burning warmly in the fireplace and all the decorations were glittering in its glow as they had done in all the previous Christmases Luke could remember. To Luke of course, for the next few Christmases to come his heart would be as heavy as it felt now as he recalled all his fallen comrades who wouldn't get to share this….but as he looked over them he couldn't contain the small smile that spread across his face.
He jerked a little as he heard Bo's voice and looked expectantly to the door, until realising it was coming from a very very scratchy and bitty CB transmission from the CB in the corner of the kitchen. He frowned a little and picked it up, hoping the messages would get through.
"Luke here Bo…what's goin' on?"
"Luke…snow…heavy…not….home…"
Luke swallowed, feeling the coldness start to creep back into his heart as he gathered what Bo was saying, hoping desperately that he was wrong.
"Bo…the transmission's real bad…what're ya saying?"
"Cousin….snow…bad….get home…Christmas eve…."
"Yer…Yer not coming home?"
Despite the fact that he could now see the snow falling in white sheets, Luke's heart still turned to ice and dropped to the pit of his stomach and shattered into a thousand pieces, his voice cracking with it. It had happened again….everything was against him enjoying himself this Christmas…everything….
Not waiting for Bo's crackly reply, he dropped the CB and switched it off, clenching his jaw hard and shaking his head, throwing the mugs of hot chocolate he had made into the sink with a smash and a cry of heartbroken agony. Shaking his head he furiously put the fire out in the living room and threw on his coat as he stormed out the house, the tears in his eyes stinging as the cold wind bit at the warmth instantly. He stumbled his way somehow through the destructive blizzard to the barn, slamming the doors shut and crossing to one of its corners, lifting up the false piece of flooring and pulling out two jugs of Jesse's finest. He was going to have a good Christmas one way or another, and this was now the only thing he could think of.
Standing back up he undid the cap of one of the bottles and took a long swig from it, ending with a slight sob as he looked down to the floor. If Uncle Jesse caught him doing this he would get a real tanning, but he wouldn't be home until tomorrow now, maybe not even then. Stepping forward to sit on a bale of hay, he lifted the bottle to his lips again….stopping as he saw something move in the pile of loose hay across from him. Blinking to make sure he wasn't seeing things, he got quickly to his feet as he heard a definite human moan of pain. He rushed over and pushed the hay away from the figure, swallowing at the sight that greeted him.