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Disclaimer: I don't own any of of belongs to CBS and Bellsario.

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WARNING: Possible OOC moments in this chapter. I tried staying in character and I hope I succeeded, but just a warning to be safe.

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It was a week later now and instead of getting easier the hurt had only gotten worse. As I had known would.

Vance had given everyone a week of compassionate leave. And for the first evening after the incident the team stayed together. Or what was left of us.

We had traveled to the local bar and threw back a few too many shots of whatever was available. We didn't talk, we didn't cry. We just stayed silent, trying to see if the drink would suffice enough to bury even a little of the pain. It didn't.

The rest of the time we spent by ourselves. At least I did, I assume the others did too. Except maybe Abby and McGee, they would be supporting each other. Which was fine, that's how they handled it. I handled it by practically barricading myself in the basement with a half dozen bottles of bourbon and my boat which had now been practically sanded away to dust.

The only time I dragged myself away from the basement was to plan Tony's upcoming funeral. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. When I had entered the Marines, it was customary that anyone in the Service and their spouse fill out a will and be prepared so Shannon's funeral was already planned. And a Marine buddy of mine did a great deal of the planning for Kelly's funeral seeing as I was in no shape to do so.

At first I was slightly surprised that Tony left all of his important papers and will to me. But then I had to wonder why I was ever surprised, his family certainly didn't give a crap about what happened to him. Well, his blood family at least.

The will wasn't going to be reviewed until a week after the funeral so I was able to put that off. And his funeral was no great deal of work for the most part. He wanted things simple. No wake, no viewing, just a simple casket and to be put in the ground in the local cemetery.

And yet, simple as he made it, it was still hard to handle.

I made sure that things turned out just as he wanted them: Simple. Plain. The only thing that wasn't simple was the turnout of people. But again I wasn't surprised. Tony could have been annoying at time, but despite that, he was well liked. Over half of the population of the Navy Yard attended, old college and school buddies, ex girlfriends, people whom he'd worked with when he was a cop, even a few family members. Mainly one of his aunts and a couple of his cousins, who actually looked somewhat mournful were there. His father had been notified but it was unsurprising he didn't show. He didn't care about what happened to his son when he left him in the hotel in Maui when he was just a child and he didn't care now.

'Maybe it's a good thing he didn't show,' I mused to myself as I watched the various people, some I knew, some I didn't, wander around aimlessly 'If he had shown his face, I probably would have punched it.'

Vance made a pitiful speech about Tony being a good Agent and how the agency had lost a great asset. Which was true in every sense, but it was obvious Vance really didn't care and he was only doing this for appearances.

I glanced down at the paper I held in my hands. My speech for Tony. The one Vance had typed up previously and informed me that I should give. I had glared but said nothing, only agreeing because this was Tony. And Tony would have liked for me to have said a speech at his funeral and he deserved it. If it had only been for Vance.....I would have told him to shove the paper where the sun didn't shine. And that was the polite, PG-rated version of what I would have said to him.

I studied a few of the words and glared. It was basically Vance's speech all over again only coming from a different mouth and in different wording. To put it in a nutshell: It was a load of bull.

After Vance had finished his so called 'speech', he gave me a look and stepped down.

Sending him my best 'if looks could kill' stare, I took his previous spot.

Sighing once and clearing my throat, making sure my voice would be devoid of any emotion I made an attempt the words Vance called a speech.

"Anthony DiNozzo was a hard working......" I paused and Vance gave me a look to indicate I needed to continue. Scowling I tried the words again. "Anthony DiNozzo was a---" I stopped, sighing once again, this wasn't right. I shouldn't even be up here giving this speech. I'm not saying Tony didn't deserve it, but he shouldn't need it in the first place. He should still be alive, not laying in the casket in front of me.

Glancing down at the papers I re-read a few lines of the speech and glared at the words. They were to impersonal, uncaring. Tony deserved more than that.

"Tony was an annoying, irritating, sometimes womanizing, eternal frat boy." I paused for a moment, looking at the shocked faces of Tony's friends and few family members. The team especially was giving me odd looks.

"He was also one of my best friends. He was smart, loyal and I can't think of anyone else I would have rather had watching my six for the past eight years. And I can say this with out a single doubt, he will be missed." I added, getting straight to the point and being as direct as possible.

I stepped down, ignoring Vance's outraged glare, and retook my seat with the rest of the team. Abby reached over, hugging me again, and I just wrapped my arms around her silently, holding her close.

I could tell that some people were still a little surprised by what I had said. Those who didn't know me were surprised at how direct and short I had been and those who did know me were surprised that I had admitted something about my feelings, no matter how little I had said.

Can't say I blamed them, I usually was never one to express feelings of any sort, but Tony deserved that at the least for everything he had done and been. Heck, he deserved more. A whole lot more. And right now I regretted that I hadn't done more for him.

The pastor stood, taking my previous spot behind the casket.

Bowing his head and closing his eyes he started prayer.

"Dear Lord, we ask you to lift his soul and that he will meet you in your heavenly home. That you will heal the hurt of his loved ones still left here on earth and that they will find solace in you. Amen."

I lifted my head and reopened my eyes with the others as the prayer finished and he started to call the pallbearers.

"Tim McGee, Leroy Jethro Gibbs, Jim Palmer, Mark Cather."

McGee, Palmer and I each went to stand at a corner of the casket, joined by Tony's old Peoria partner, Mark.

My feelings, emotions, and mind were all numb as we carried the casket and it was layed into the grave site. I didn't feel anymore. It didn't matter, I didn't want to feel anymore. If I did I knew it would just be the same unbearable hurt I had felt before and I had no desire to revisit that feeling.

I stared at nothing in particular, holding onto a sobbing and completely heartbroken Abby as they buried him. McGee was silent, keeping a hand on Abby's arm providing comfort, silent tears running down his face and it was a credit that he let loose in front of us how much he actually did care about Tony. Ziva was just still, not moving, no expressions or sounds of any kind coming from her, one might think she was a statue. Ducky had his eyes closed as if he was trying to block it out, pain and all, tears running down his face. And Palmer just stared at the grave his friend was currently being buried in with a devastated expression, unmoving.

As for how I must have looked to everyone, I didn't know. Nor did I really care. Any other time I would have worked hard to keep an expressionless mask in place, but I could care less at this point. I didn't care about much of anything right now.

As the last of the dirt was thrown in place a squad of agents and officers from various agencies fired of the traditional twenty-one salute for men and women who had been in the military or who had been officers.

After they had fired the last shot and one last prayer was said, everyone started to disperse.

I literally guided Abby and lead the others on auto-pilot, not really sensing where I was going or what I was doing. I drove them all home the same way, leaving Abby with McGee. She had stopped crying now, simply because she had no tears left anymore, but she was really no better.

I drove myself home, still not really sensing anything. Throwing my keys on the counter I headed down to my basement and my unfinished boat.

I went to the work bench where my sander still lay, but didn't bother picking it up. I just stood there, gripping the edges of the counter until my knuckles were white, staring at nothing. Not even really seeing the counter top in front of me. Maybe if I just ignored everything around me and blocked it all out I could avoid the oncoming pain. Yet, I knew that was impossible.

Finally snatching up the sander and walking over to my boat, I started sanding the planks of the wood again, letting the sounds and movements sooth me a little.

After a moment of that though, I just let my hands drop, closing my eyes as the pain that had been absent before started to hit.

I could see him, hear him, I saw memories, and heard past conversations. Saw his smile, heard the tone of voice he used when he was teasing Ziva and McGee, saw the look he would get when he had cracked a case, heard his laugh. Now I'd never see or hear any of it again.

I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter and slammed my hand into my boat angrily. Turning around, I leaned against my unfinished project and slid down to the floor. Putting my head in my hands I started crying. I hadn't cried in years, but I couldn't stop. My breath hitched and it became harder to breath as the sobs tore through my chest and the tears poured off of my face.

I hadn't really cried since Shannon and Kelly, but I guess it fit. Tony was like a son to me, so it was no surprise that it hurt so much.

I had cried when Kate and Jenny had died of course, but not like this. I had shed a few tears, but this was different. I was crying to the point that it hurt. Not that I needed anymore hurt on top of what I was already feeling, but I just couldn't stop.

After what felt like days, but what was probably only hours I finally was able to stop. I used my hand to angrily wipe away the reaming tears on my face. I should get up I knew, but I didn't move. I stayed sitting there on the floor, head resting against my hand, my elbow leaning on my knee.

I stared at nothing in particular as I was again assaulted by the painful memories of the younger agent. Some happy, some not.

A shadow of a smile flitted across my face at some of the happier moments.

The times Tony had helped me with my boat, the various Christmas Eve's and Thanksgiving's the team had spent together, and just some of the more lighthearted moments between the team. I prayed so hard that we could just have a few more moments like that.

We took those moments for granted, always did, until someone wasn't around to share them anymore.

Running the back of my hand across my eyes in an attempt to clear my vision, I took a shuddering breath to calm my nerves.

I briefly wonder what it's going to be like six months from now. A year? Ten?
Everyone says that time heals all wounds. That's a lie. It may ease the pain, but it never completely heals. I know that it will get easier with time, it always does. But it seems so far away and I have to wonder how I ever managed it before. How I had made it this far, I don't know.

I'd lost three of the people I cared most about. My wife and two of my children. Shannon, Kelly, Tony, all gone.

Fear enters me again as I realize again how easily I could lose another. McGee and Ziva put their life on the line every time they step off the Navy Yard. And Abby, while holding a safer position, still doesn't manage to dodge all the dangers of working for a federal agency.

I don't think I could handle this again. I know I couldn't. I'm not sure I can handle it this time.

I thought about just quitting but that wouldn't be good for the team and I just wasn't sure how they would handle it. Especially right now, just after losing Tony.

So I'll stay I decided, at least for now. Maybe after a while I'll retire, for real this time, and escape the daily nightmares of watching my team, my family get injured on the job. Of worrying about the loss of one of them. Of seeing Tony's desk empty, or worse, being occupied by someone else.

I closed my eyes again, trying the block the image of Tony's desk being used by someone else. Someone trying to replace him. Though in my eyes, they never would. They would never even come close. He was undoubtedly, as I said before, irreplaceable.

Another tear slipped past as I thought again of the people I had lost.

My mother, buddies in combat, Pacci, Kate, Langer, Shannon, Kelly, Tony. All of them, irrevocably and permanently gone.

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Okay, hope you liked it. There is more to come soon! So please stay tuned!

And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review! I absolutely love them! So please leave me one. :)

Btw, the bit about it being customary for Shannon's funeral to already be prepared is true. I'm not positive it's the same for the Marines but my brother-in-law is in the Army and he and my sister had to fill out wills and etc.

Also for those curious the bit about Tony's father forgetting him in a hotel in Maui is from the episode Honor Code.