Disclaimer : I don't own Bleach or any of these songs and/or song lyrics.
Warning : Language, violence
Note : Sorry this is taking so long. I should be able to get more of this up as I get going, so just bear with me, okay? n.n; Remember, the more you review, the more I'll want to give you more chapters.
Dedication : Ranjeri, my beta for this fic and good friend, who gladly told me I made Ichigo too girly, to which I reply "Too bad." This Ichigo is my own twisted creation, and if I want him to cry, he'll cry, so nyeh.

Candy Cane : 2 : The One I Love

Haven't slept...in a week...
My bed has become...my coffin...
Cannot breath...cannot speak...
My head's like a bomb...still waiting...
Take my heart...and take my soul...
I don't need them anymore...

After picking up Renji's gigai from Urahara, they walked back to Ichigo's apartment. The flat wasn't anything spectacular, but as he said, it was his own space. His bed was tucked in one back corner, under the window, and the bathroom was in the other corner. The third corner held a small kitchen with another wall separating it from his desk, which ended at the two-foot long doorway hall.

"You have a cat?" Renji asked. There was indeed a small orange tabby curled up peacefully on Ichigo's body.

"It's just Kon," Ichigo said, nudging the snoozing cat enough to wake him up. Moments later, Ichigo was back in his body. He sat up and moved Kon to the pillow.

"I wouldn't've taken you for a cat person."

Kon stretched out with a yawn. "Ohayo, nii-san…"

Ichigo shrugged. "He's easier to deal with this way. He can get outside on his own through the window. And it's still the middle of the night, Kon," he said as he walked to the kitchen.

"Oh. Well, in that case…" Kon hopped up to the windowsill and then outside.

"I still would'a never taken you for a cat person," Renji reiterated.

"I'm more of a cat person than a stuffed toy person. You want some tea?" he asked, shutting the window.

"Whaddaya got?"

Ichigo opened a cupboard. "Lemon…chai…chamomile—scratch that, I'm out of chamomile—ah, and strawberry."

"Chai's good."

Ichigo started on making the tea in silence. It unnerved Renji a bit. He was used to the arrogant, foul-mouthed brat Ichigo, not the hospitable, quiet and polite Ichigo. Even though it had only been maybe two hours since they started patrol, Ichigo's voice lacked his usual cockiness, and not once had he thrown a childish insult or taken Renji's bait for an argument. Okay, maybe two hours wasn't really enough time to jump to conclusions – after all, Ichigo could grow up, right? Surviving a war like that could turn any immature boy into a man real quick. But this was Ichigo, and Ichigo just wasn't Ichigo without the arrogant smirks, childish quips, and immature retorts.

"What're you doing here, anyway?" Ichigo asked, startling Renji out of his thoughts. He leaned against the protruding wall, waiting for the water to boil.

"Getting away from Soul Society," Renji answered. "Paperwork's not my thing. It's gotten piled up 'cause of the war and everything."

"Won't it just pile up more if you ignore it?"

Renji grinned. "I'm on official leave, so it's somebody else's problem now—Rikichi's actually."

"I believe that's what they call 'abuse of power,'" Ichigo said as the water heater beeped and he had to get up again.

"No it's not – I asked if I could have some time just doing field work, so I'm still working, I'm just not doing paperwork."

"How much time did you ask for?"

"I can only get a week without any major assignments. An' I mean exactly a week – 168 hours. I'm still tryin' to get stationed here, but y'know how that goes… I did manage to catch Yama-jii in a good mood when I brought it up, though."

"'Yama-jii in a good mood' is an oxymoron," Ichigo said with a small laugh as he handed the redhead a mug full of hot tea.

Renji chuckled. "It was a bit odd, but I ain't dumb enough to question it."

"You sure 'bout that?"

"Finally!" Renji exclaimed, surprising Ichigo enough to cause him to almost spill his tea all over himself.

"Geeze, man, what was that about?!"

"Y'went too long without shootin' off some sort of insult at me," Renji stated plainly. "It was startin' to scare me."

"So I'm not allowed to go more than ten minutes without insulting you or starting a fight?"

"One, you went for two hours. Two, I never said anything 'bout startin' fights," Renji said before sipping his tea.

"That's usually what happens when the insults start flying," Ichigo countered, irritated. Then he sighed. "Sorry – I'm just a little too tired to start anythin' with you."

Renji snorted. "Since when've you been 'too tired' to insult me?"

Since the war. Since the nightmares. Since… Ichigo sighed to himself before getting up and setting his mug on the desk. "Since now. I'm going to bed," he said shortly.

What the hell did I do to deserve an asshole like him coming around to bug the shit out of me? I was doing fine on my own, and then he has to come around and ask stupid questions that I don't want to answer! I can't keep this up if he keeps bugging me. I can't act like nothing's wrong when every little stupid thing starts pissing me off. He's going to figure out I'm not the same…

Ichigo grimaced and rolled over. It had been maybe fifteen minutes since the lights had gone off, but Ichigo knew that this night was going to be like every other night – long and distressing. Even if his racing thoughts kept him awake, they kept out things he didn't want to think about as long as he kept the thoughts as inane as possible.

This is stupid. And annoying. I'll tell him to find someplace else to stay for the week. Urahara will take him, probably. Or he can just sleep on the streets. He could pass for a bum. Mess up his hair a bit, have him wear that stupid hippie shit. He'd be fine. Just like me. I'm just fucking fine. Like I keep telling you, Renji, I'm just fine. Don't give me that 'I don't think so' look – it's annoying, and it makes you look smart, which is even more annoying. You're not supposed to find out. You're supposed to let me go insane and then say, "I never knew this would happen – he was perfectly fine. I'm his friend, I should know." And everybody'll nod and say, "Yeah, his friend would know." …Heh. That's…really fucking pathetic, even for me… I'm not myself – not the sixteen-year-old rookie brat Renji knew. I'm the nineteen-year-old war veteran with shellshock… SHIT

Images flooded in, as if they had been waiting eagerly just behind the door he ended up opening. He gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut before burying his face in his pillow and emitting a small whimper of pain and frustration. He wanted to scream. He couldn't scream back then – he was nothing but a machine then. But the images of that peaceful district completely decimated were still stored in his memory. They burned and tortured him by themselves, then dug up the guilt and regret of his detachment. He knew it was better that he fought without the emotional ties hindering him, but it hurt knowing that he acted so cold in the middle of all that carnage of innocent people…

People like Shibata…

He choked back a scream. The memories wouldn't stop coming. He tried to think about something else, something happy to derail this speeding train – he thought about his family and instead of derailing it, it wrecked. His family lay slain with Shibata and the others, bodies twisted, mangled, maimed, bloody, and hardly recognizable except for their open eyes that stared at him in blank confusion, as if asking him "I thought you were going to protect us? What did you do? Why didn't you protect us?"

NO!!! That didn't happen!! I didn't kill them!! My family is safe!! They're not dead!! I DID protect them!!

You didn't protect Shibata. You didn't mourn for him and his family. You may as well have been the one who murdered them all. The thoughts circled him like vultures, waiting for him to admit defeat.

What…what could I have done? There was nothing I could do! I couldn't…I couldn't do…anything…

You are a failure.

"URUSAI!" Ichigo finally screamed into the pillow. He had curled up in a tight fetal position, facing the wall. He was shaking. D-dammit… Hot tears stung Ichigo's eyes. He tried his best to calm himself down so he could keep quiet, but it wasn't working.

Renji watched as Ichigo's reiatsu reacted strangely to whatever was going through the boy's head. It was painful to just sit there and watch, but Ichigo would kill him if he tried to do anything. He had been noticeably restless, but that didn't mean it was anything out of the ordinary.

Maybe he's not too bad off… He's probably annoyed that I'm here.

Renji let his eyes slip closed only to snap open a moment later as Ichigo made a pained noise.

Shit.

Ichigo's reiatsu was getting agitated and violent, and he was curled up tightly on his side, trembling, before he screamed into the pillow, startling Renji.

What the…

Renji couldn't stand it anymore. Even if Ichigo took everything out on him, he'd much rather take that than sit there and watch that sort of pain just eat him from the inside. He sat up and gently touched Ichigo's shoulder. "Ichigo…?" Renji called out softly, in case he was actually just having a nightmare.

Ichigo jumped and looked at him with wide eyes. Fear flashed in them for a moment before the boy registered who it was, and he promptly buried his face in his pillow again. "Go a-away, Renji…" He sounded like he was trying to keep himself from crying, even muffled by the pillow.

"Well that's not very nice," Renji quipped. He only knew one sure-fire way to get Ichigo to look at him: piss him off.

"Fuck you." His voice was squeaky and trembling.

"I'm pretty sure yer in no condition to do any sort of fucking, strawberry."

Ichigo whipped around and threw a punch at him. "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, JERK-FACE!"

Renji caught the punch and grabbed a hold of his wrist so he couldn't move. "You're not okay," he stated flatly. Ichigo's eyes were watery and tear streaks were forming.

"No shit, really?" he snapped sarcastically as he jerked his arm out of Renji's hold.

"Hey – I just wanna help you, okay?"

Ichigo snorted and curled back up on his side around the pillow, facing the wall again. "Go away."

Renji tugged the pillow out of his weak grasp. "You're gonna hafta make me."

"Grow up, Renji."

"Right back at'cha, berry-chan," he retorted, moving onto the bed with him.

"Don't call me that," Ichigo tried to snap.

Renji rolled his eyes and lay down against the boy, wrapping his arms around him. "I don't think you mean that," he teased lightly.

"Get off me."

The redhead snickered. "You really will have to make me, Ichigo – this is quite comfy."

Ichigo stared at the wall, not really sure what he wanted to do about this situation. His body seemed to decide for him as he slowly relaxed into the warmth and comfort of the other man. "You're a pain…" he sighed, letting his eyes slip closed on their own.

Renji nuzzled at the orange hair. "Ichigo…?"

"Shut up and let me go to sleep," Ichigo groaned softly.

Renji sighed. "Sorry… I just wanna know why you won't talk to me."

"I'm talking to you now, aren't I?"

He snorted. "That's not what I mean – why can't you just tell me what's wrong?"

"It's nothing."

"'Nothing' doesn't usually require yelling at it to shut up."

"It's…it's nothing you can fix. It's my problem."

Renji paused. "Weren't you ever taught to share?"

"Renji, the last people I've shared my problems with were my sisters – way back before I became a Shinigami, when my problems were simple."

"You haven't talked to them since you've been back?"

"I have… Just not about that. They don't need to know about that."

"So? Maybe they want to know why their big brother isn't the same."

Ichigo winced. "Don't…" he said, his voice breaking as he dug the heels of his palms into his eyes.

"Sorry…" Renji said softly, resting his head against the boy's.

"No, it's… Every little thing seems to set me off… I can't keep the memories from affecting me…"

"If it makes you feel any better, I still get assaulted by my memories, too."

Ichigo tried to look back at him. "How…do you keep from being affected?"

"The same way you keep a punch from hurting when you can't avoid it."

"You…roll with it?"

"Exactly. You gotta treat this like a fight, because that's what you know. Right now, the punches your memories are throwing can't be avoided, so you gotta just let them hit you without fighting them. Eventually, they'll wear themselves out and you'll be able to push them back, but until then, you gotta get beat up a bit. You don't have to ask for the fight though. You can do your best to avoid the triggers or distract yourself from thinkin' about it – there ain't nothin' wrong with that – but when they come, let 'em come. Eventually you'll be able to brush them off without killin' a part of yourself, but at this point, you can't ignore them. You don't gotta give them attention all the time, though – it's better if you don't. They'll never go away completely, but you can let them exhaust themselves."

Ichigo mulled this over. "Is it…really that easy? To just treat it like a fight?"

"I wish it were as easy as a fistfight… This is a completely different opponent for you, because you're basically goin' against yourself. It's gonna be hard and it's gonna take a long time, but it's gonna be a little easier when you've got a plan."

Silence fell for a moment. "Arigatou, Renji…" Ichigo said softly.

Renji smiled a bit. "Can you still get to sleep?"

"Yeah, I think so…"

"Then unless you don't mind me spoonin' ya, scoot over," he said, slipping his arms away from the boy.

Ichigo caught his wrist, stopping him. "I don't mind," he said softly. He attempted to look at Renji, but when their eyes locked, he quickly looked away, blushing.

Renji smirked. "Oddball," he murmured, returning to his position, nuzzling the orange hair.

Ichigo didn't respond as he closed his eyes and let his body decide if he could sleep tonight.

Renji stayed awake until he was sure Ichigo was asleep and wasn't going to go into any more nightmares. You'll be okay, berry-head. We'll get through this – I'll get ya through this, if only to get my bratty Ichigo back…

He chuckled to himself. …My Ichigo, huh?

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Song Title and Lyrics: The Rasmus "The One I Love"
Word Count: 2423
Total: 2794
Vocabulary...

Ohayo: Good Morning
Nii-san: (big) brother
Urusai: shut up (lit. annoying/noisy)
Arigatou: Thank you (Note: My computer recognizes "arigato" as a word, not "arigatou," but the "o" is long, romanized as "oo" and written in hiragana as "ou," which, as you can see, is my preferred way of spelling it)