Disclaimer : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners
Warning : Lewd comments, harsh language, mental breakdowns.
Note : None :D
Dedication : To every single freaking emo/angsty/sad song on my iPod. The Rasmus is in the lead, closely followed by Savage Garden.

Candy Cane : 3 : In the Shadows

Time after time, I lose again...
Night after night, I wake up shaking 'cause my world is breaking...
I'm fool enough to fall again...
Night after night I wake up crying 'cause I feel like dying...

Renji had never understood when girls talked about knights rushing headlong into a battle against a vicious fire-breathing dragon just to save a complete stranger who just happened to be a princess. Hinamori tried to explain to him that it was what true love was all about, and when two people were in love like that, the story always ended in "and they lived happily ever after." When Renji questioned fantasy with street rat logic, Hinamori gave up, saying that somebody like him just wouldn't understand.

She was right, of course. Growing up as a street rat, possessions and people slipped in and out of his grasp as easily as water, and any stranger was an enemy. Getting attached would only cause heartache, and trying to be a hero would get you killed. Love and kindness were hindrances, inconveniences. Feelings and emotions only got in the way if you hung onto them.

And then he had crossed paths with one Kurosaki Ichigo, who ran headlong into a battle he couldn't possibly survive just to save a girl he barely knew.

From that first battle, Renji had thought Ichigo a fool for letting emotions plunge him into certain death. But Ichigo had survived, just like Hinamori's fictional knights. He had survived, regained his shinigami powers, and invaded Seireitei – the dragon's den. All to save a girl they had called a friend.

And Renji had found a hatred for him and his stubbornness. He hated Ichigo for being Rukia's knight in shining armor – for showing him the possibility of Hinamori's stories being true. He hated the rookie brat that had taken his best friend's powers and sealed her death sentence, and that same rookie brat was defying all odds to save her, while her best friend couldn't do anything for her. He hated Ichigo for showing him that.

Renji had been scared of standing up and speaking out. He was following orders – always following orders. Even when the order meant killing his best friend, he followed it. He, like Rukia, was also a prisoner of the dragon – a prisoner of the presiding all-powerful order. That was the dragon the orange-haired knight had come to slay. And even though he had only intended to sever the dragon's fatal grasp on one girl, he had ended up severing several men's blindfolds that had been keeping them from seeing who they once were. He proved there was no strength in blindly, silently following orders.

And upon defeating some of the strongest shinigami, he shattered several chains and opened a rift in the dragon's power of authority. After all, who could believe an inexperienced, independent ryoka was so powerful? Fueled only by a promise made to nobody but himself, he demolished several sections and seated powers. There was no way prisoners like them could bring themselves to kill that passionate determination. Once shown their shackles and prison bars, they couldn't stop the man who was shattering them without a second thought. And even those with obligated loyalty to the dragon, some just couldn't bear to extinguish a fire that brilliant, that free. Others chose to underestimate him, and they passed off the blazing fire as an immature emotion that would only lead to his premature death.

Those were the men who had never been told the fanciful stories of Hinamori's knight. Those were the men who didn't know to think that maybe, just maybe there was such a thing as "happily ever after." Those were the men who failed to see that Ichigo's resolve and will to fight came in the form of a pure, raw, unstoppable fireball driven by other-worldly, emotional power.

And Renji had found himself in awe-inspiring admiration of the boy who defeated Kuchiki Byakuya. He wanted to fight alongside with that power, and he had let him. Ichigo had asked to fight together. Renji hadn't let that opportunity slip out of his grasp. Where Byakuya had condemned emotions to result in a cold and untouchable machine, Ichigo had let himself be happy and sad and arrogant and angry, which resulted in a boy so human, it was disconcerting to know that his will to fight could be eclipsed and dwarfed by his bloodthirsty instinct to fight.

Unfortunately, no matter how powerful the kid was, he was still only a kid. No amount of physical power was going to defeat the dragon in his head.

I wish I could be your knight, Ichigo. I wish I could slay this dragon for you and give you the Happily Ever After you deserve… But I can't, and it hurts watching you lose…

Ichigo jolted awake from the sound of pebbles hitting the window. Dammit, Kon… he mentally grumbled to himself as his consciousness gathered his senses. He slowly realized that the red-haired freeloader was in his bed – still in his bed, rather, and still asleep with his arms around him. He paused. He wanted to stay asleep in that warmth, but Kon was likely to do something stupid if Ichigo didn't let him in.

"Wake up, fat-ass," Ichigo called as he slipped away from him, before shoving him off the mattress with his foot.

Renji rolled off and sat up. "That wasn't very nice," he grumbled, trying to look grumpy, but at Ichigo's somewhat forlorn expression poorly disguised under morning drowsiness, he pulled a childish pout.

"Blame the cat," Ichigo said, pushing the window open. Kon hopped in just as Ichigo stood up to begin his daily morning routine, starting with turning off the alarm clock Kon had, once again, managed to beat.

"Ohayo! Where's breakfast?"

"Don't you catch mice or something?" Renji asked.

"Mice? Eugh – that's disgusting." Kon shuddered. "I'd rather eat that disgusting kibble."

"Unfortunately, he's spoiled and gets leftovers," Ichigo said before shoving his toothbrush in his mouth.

"You call ramen broth 'leftovers'?" Kon shook his head and turned to Renji. "Please say you know how to cook, because nii-san doesn't."

Ichigo snorted and spat in the sink. "Renji? Cook?"

"Hey! I can cook!" Renji huffed.

"Can you do it well, though," Ichigo clarified around the toothbrush.

Renji caught the challenge in his voice. "I'll prove it. I'll cook dinner tonight."

"Do you even know how to work modern appliances?"

"Ehh… I'll figure it out," Renji said with a shrug.

Ichigo spat again. "Like hell you will!"

But Renji laughed. "Baaaaka – yes, I know how to work 'em."

Ichigo eyed him over his shoulder. "You break anything and I'm gonna force you to get a job to pay for it."

"What would you care?" Kon said. "You barely use anything in there!" he added with a whine.

Ichigo just threw the wet washcloth at the cat. "That's not the point."

Kon yelped and bounded into Renji's lap. "Pissy pissy!"

Renji chuckled and grabbed the washcloth and tossed it back at Ichigo, who turned around and leaned back against the sink counter. "Kon's got a point – you are kinda pissy."

"It's 'cause he doesn't get any sex," Kon said as-a-matter-of-factly.

"Kon!" Ichigo chucked the washcloth again, and was subsequently caught by Renji, who was cracking up.

"What – it's true!" Kon retorted, now laying down with his ears flat against his head.

"Entirely beside the point!" Ichigo folded his arms across his chest, looking peeved.

"I think he's gay," Kon muttered. Renji snickered and Ichigo looked like he was trying his best too keep from killing Kon right there. "Oh come on – you don't have any porn around here, you've never been to a club or anything—you don't even look at Inoue-chan's boobs!"

"Just because I'm not perverted doesn't make me gay!"

"Too bad I've heard you saying—iie, moaning Renji's name in yer sleep. And in the shower."

"You. Have. Not," Ichigo said firmly, trying his best to keep his face from coloring and failing.

Kon grinned, having found a new sensitive subject with which to torment the boy with. "Ichigo and Renji, sittin' in a tree. F – U—"

"YOU'RE DEAD!" Ichigo yelled, throwing the closest thing to him – a hard plastic cup – at the cat, which resulted in Kon springing one way with a yelp and Renji quickly bringing his knees up to avoid getting hit in the crotch. The cup connected with Renji's shin with a crack.

Renji winced. "…Ow."

"I'm so outta here," Kon muttered before jumping out the window again.

Ichigo glared at the retreating feline before looking back at Renji. "Sorry – you okay?"

Renji slid the PJ pants leg up to look at the bruise. "Yeah. I don't think your cup is, though."

Indeed, the plastic cup had suffered an X-shaped crack in its side.

"Toss it – I have to get ready for work."

"Work? In your condition?"

"I'm fine – I've gone to work in much worse condition."

Boredom quickly set in while Ichigo was in the shower, so Renji rummaged around the kitchen, looking for anything to make a decent breakfast with. Unfortunately, it was painfully obvious that Ichigo was living off of cereal and instant ramen. Still, he managed to dig up bread, butter, and grape jelly.

He popped the bread in the toaster oven and fiddled with the controls. He knew how to work a toaster, but the toaster oven was entirely new to him, and the multiple buttons just made things complicated. When he was pretty sure he'd gotten it right, he started it and got himself a bowl of cereal.

After a minute, Renji was sure he'd screwed up – the toast was black already and starting to smoke. He quickly hit the OFF button and opened it up, letting the smoke clear out. "Well shit…"

"Wha'd'ya do?" Ichigo asked, coming out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and another over his head to dry off his hair.

"Erm…" Renji dumbly pointed at the smoldering toast in the oven, his brain having just stopped all practical thought processes at the sight of half-naked Ichigo.

Ichigo pulled the towel off his head and looked at where Renji was pointing for a moment before his eyes went wide. Renji's brain kicked into gear again, fearing he'd done something horribly wrong, but he noticed that Ichigo's eyes weren't focused at all.

"Ichigo…?" Shit… He'd triggered something and he had a horrible feeling he knew exactly what it was.

"Don't…feel good…" Ichigo managed to mumble.

Renji walked to him and placed his hands on the sides of Ichigo's head and looked into his eyes. "It's not real. You're not there anymore. It's all in the past."

Ichigo shut his eyes tight. When he opened them again, tears spilled down his face. "I think I'm gonna be sick…"

"Then go be sick," Renji said, letting him go only to steer him towards the bathroom once more.

The smoke could be seen miles before they even got to the edge of the scorched and charred path of destruction caused by some weird, mutated, flaming Arankar. Experience told Renji to keep from breathing through his nose – unfortunately, Ichigo didn't seem know the importance of this.

When they came within a few meters of the path, Ichigo recoiled from the stench – the vile amalgamation of burning bodies, smoldering buildings, and a myriad of things that should never be set ablaze – and landed on his knees, a hand over his nose and mouth as he hunched over, trying to collect himself again.

"Boke – don't breath it in!"

"I wasn't trying to!" Ichigo snapped in a strained voice before he retched.

Renji stayed with him until he was able to continue on. They walked through the town together. Ichigo kept a sleeve over his nose and mouth, not wanting to repeat that episode. Unfortunately, sight alone was enough to make him sick. Renji could keep his vision unfocused, allowing him to keep from distinguishing one burned thing from another, but Ichigo's wandering eyes caught every outline of what once was a man, a woman, a child…

It wasn't long before he retched again.

Renji handed the steaming bowl of ramen to the boy. Ichigo had thrown up and cried until all he was giving was dry heaves. Renji had to help him to his bed, where he was sitting now with a pair of sweats on, looking like shit.

"Yeah, you ain't goin' to work today, kiddo," Renji said plainly, sitting down near him.

Ichigo gave a weak snort. "I'll be fine," he said, his voice still hoarse.

"How many times you done that?"

"What – puked my brains out?"

"Yeah. I just guessed you hadn't been eatin' right, but…"

"Once. I did the exact same thing you did with that fucking thing."

"So why else you lookin' like ya do?"

Ichigo didn't physically respond. "Whaddaya mean?"

"If you've only upchucked once, why you look like you ain't been eatin' much?"

He averted his eyes. "I just get to feelin' sick a lot, so I don't eat. When I do, it's just this stuff or Cheerios…"

"Boke…"

"Can you just get me my damn cell phone? Idiot Inadou will get pissy if I don't call in soon. It's the shiny black thing on my desk," he added, setting the bowl in his lap as Renji got up.

"Call in? Hey – this is really small…" Renji turned the black Razr phone over in his hand.

"Yeah – call in sick. You're obviously not gonna let me go. Give it."

Renji didn't seem to want to give it up any time soon. "The phones we get are all bulky compared to this…"

"Can you just give it to me already?"

Renji ignored him and opened it, only to tilt his head in confusion. He showed Ichigo, asking, "How'd you get this on here?" The background picture was of Ichigo and Renji and the other guys from Soul Society all in relatively normal clothes. The picture was centered on Renji and Ichigo. The redhead had an arm around the boy's shoulders with a dorky grin on his face.

"It's a camera phone," Ichigo explained, finally able to take the phone from him. "I took a picture of the photo Orihime took of all of us."

Renji kneeled down in front of him. "What other pictures you got on there?"

"Stupid shit," he muttered, going through his phonebook. A few seconds later, he had the phone to his ear.

Renji stopped paying attention as he stood up again and started looking through Ichigo's closet.

After a minute, the phone snapped shut. "What the hell're you doin', Renji?"

"Lookin' for somethin' to wear."

Ichigo looked confused. "Why?"

"I can't go to the store in pajamas, right?"

"W-wait – you're gonna go to the store?"

"You've got no food. I like ramen an' all, but I ain't gonna live on it while I'm here."

"An' whose money do ya think yer gonna use?"

"Mine – Urahara trades the money we get in Soul Society for the money you got here."

"Oh…"

"Ukitake has all the bounties you earned, by the way, if ya ever need it."

"How come I wasn't told about that?"

"You never asked – you got any pants that're loose on ya? 'Cause yer still too damn skinny for those tight-ass jeans to fit me."

"Look in the bottom drawer of my dresser."

Once Renji got clothes to change into, he disappeared into the bathroom to take a shower, leaving Ichigo to his ramen. He'd only eaten a few bites but the off-white mound of noodles flecked with green and orange wasn't looking very appetizing.

"Eat the whole thing, even if it makes ya sick. Otherwise I'll kick the crap outta ya."

Ichigo scowled at the lifeless pasta, as if it had given the order and not the redhead currently naked in his bathroom…

"Too bad I've heard you saying—iie, moaning Renji's name in yer sleep. And in the shower."

He felt his face heat up from Kon's previous words, and that in and of itself made him blush furiously. He shut his eyes and leaned back against the cold wall, letting himself calm down.

"Yare yare…" a familiar voice cooed inside his head.

Ichigo's eyes snapped open. "Shiro…" he growled.

"Don't sound so happy to hear me, aibou," he deadpanned.

"What do you want, Shirosaki?"

"To tease you about your hard on for him."

He scowled. "I don't—Go away. Just go away," he muttered, setting his elbows against his knees and burying his face in his hands.

"You are truly pathetic, king."

"You aren't helping, horse," Ichigo spat.

"You think things are gonna go away if you suppress them? Ignore them? Pretend they aren't real?"

"Damare…" he growled.

"If you were smart, you woulda figured out from dealing with me that that kinda shit ain't gonna work. Not everything goes your way!"

"Nothing goes my way. Now leave me alone."

Shirosaki snorted. "You know how to shut me up, king, you just don't want to. You like yellin' at me, havin' somethin' that'll respond to ya. You need me here, in your head, because you don't want to deal with your own problems—"

"URUSAI!!" Ichigo had drawn up his knees, spilling the bowl, and dug the heels of his palms in his eyes as he trembled.

"Ichigo?" Renji came out of the bathroom with just his jeans on. His hair was down and still wet, as was his skin. "Ichigo, what's wrong?" he asked, kneeling in front of him.

The boy had curled into himself, burying his face in his arms. At Renji's voice, he shifted his head up just enough to look at him with one brown eye.

"What is it?" Renji reached out to him, but the boy freaked and knocked Renji's hand away.

"It's not your problem!"

Renji frowned for a moment before grabbing him and shoving him on his back, pinning his arms at his sides. "I told you to share, idiot. Stop being so damn selfish."

"Why…"

Renji loosened his grip and sat down Indian-style. "Just tell me what the hell is wrong. I know I can't do a whole lot, but I gotta do something or I'm gonna go nuts."

Ichigo covered his face with his arms. "Why do you want a part of this?"

"Because that's what friends are for. We share the good and the bad. Unfortunately for you, I'm a greedy little bastard – I always want the bigger half," he added with a smirk. "Just start sharin', okay? Ya may find that ya like it."

Ichigo took a minute to answer. "You don't want a part of this."

"You don't want it either – that don't mean we ain't stuck with it. As long as it's here, somebody's gotta bear it. You're tryin' to keep it all to yourself and you know it ain't workin'. So just try it – try lettin' me in and sharin' some of the shit you can't deal with."

Another minute. "I have…a Hollow inside me," he stated flatly. "The embodiment of my instinct. He is…insane. And powerful. And he is under my command." He paused. "I defeated Kenpachi… I defeated Byakuya. I defeated you. I destroyed the Soukyoku. All on my own. So why… With all my power, with all my strength, why the hell am I losing…to images in my head?" His voice had begun to waver and broke at the end.

"You haven't lost, Ichigo," Renji said softly. "You're still sane—"

"You call this sane?" Ichigo moved his arms above his head to look at Renji. "I hear voices in my head – not just Shirosaki's. They say things I don't want to hear, things I know—deep down I know they aren't true – not completely. But I…"

"They make ya doubt yourself," Renji finished, understanding.

He covered his eyes again. "They make me hate myself. For how I acted."

"What…do you mean?"

"Last night… One of the patrols through Rukongai – the district that got shredded… There was a boy who lived there, Shibata Yuuichi. We – Rukia and Chad and I – saved him from a Hollow back…back before Rukia got arrested. We met him in Rukongai again when we…invaded. He was adopted into a family he introduced us to. He… I saw him…and his brother… His entire family…mutilated… And back then…all I could think was 'I want…whoever did this…dead. And I want to be the one to kill them.' Nothing else. I didn't even pause to say 'I'm sorry' or anything. I was…just cold… 'You didn't protect Shibata. You didn't mourn for him and his family. You may as well have been the one who murdered them all.' That's what…the voices said last night. And the images…" His voice broke again into a sob.

Renji frowned and ran his fingers through Ichigo's hair.

Ichigo put his arms down. "W-what're you…"

"You did what you had to do, Ichigo," he said softly.

"You don't think I know that?" he snapped, rolling over to his hands and knees to glare at his friend. "You don't think I know that I acted the way I had to to fight effectively?"

"If you know that, then why is it haunting you?"

Ichigo's expression shifted from anger to confusion.

"You're doubting yourself. What I can't say is what exactly you're having doubts about – that's your problem to figure out."

Ichigo closed his eyes and lay back down, with his head resting on Renji's legs.

"Do you remember…the district Grimmjow decimated?" Renji said after a moment as he began running his finger's through Ichigo's hair again.

Ichigo paused. "That was…78th?"

"My home district. You remember how I acted?"

He frowned, thinking back. "You…"

"I was numb, just like you were. And I drowned it in alcohol that night, just like you did. And I felt like shit, just like you do."

Ichigo let the silence hang, expecting him to go on. "…You gonna tell me how you got past it?"

"There's nothing to get past. You're clinging to it. Let it go."

"How can I just…" His voice broke again and he covered his face with his hands, damming a fresh wave of tears.

"That's for you to figure out – you can think about it while I'm at the store," Renji said, getting up.

"W-wait—what? Renji!" Ichigo rolled over and sat back on his ankles, watching him.

"What? I'll be back in like an hour or so and we can have some real food, alright?" he said as he pulled his shirt on.

Please don't leave me alone! Ichigo wanted to say it, but… "Alright."

"What're you gonna do?"

"Nothing," Ichigo said weakly. He had leaned back against the wall, his knees drawn up, elbows set against them, his head buried in his arms.

"Nothing," Shirosaki repeated, skeptical. "Wallowing in self pity doesn't count as nothing—!"

"URUSAI!!"

"Oh please – you know as well as I do what you're trying to avoid. Whether or not I bug the shit out of you isn't going to change what you're going to end up doing."

"If you'll just leave me alone, I can stay away from it until Renji gets back…"

"Renji told you to think about how to let it go. How about listening to him? It's pouring in here – if nothing else, it'll calm you down."

Ichigo took a deep breath and lifted his head, looking over to the kitchen. "…"

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Heaven sent you...to bring the answer... Heaven sent you, to cure this cancer... For a moment...unbeatable chance... For a moment...the world in my hands...
Like an angel you came, every time when I prayed... Guardian of my dreams, watching me when I sleep... Like an angel you came, every time when I screamed...
Time after time, I lose again... Night after night, I wake up shaking 'cause my world is breaking... I'm fool enough to fall again... Night after night I wake up crying 'cause I feel like dying...
Still disconnected...and unprotected... Still I'm haunted...but unwanted... For a moment...unbreakable stars... For a moment...you stayed in my arms...
Like an angel you came, every time when I prayed... Guardian of my dreams, watching me when I sleep... Like an angel you came, every time when I screamed...
Time after time, I lose again... Night after night, I wake up shaking 'cause my world is breaking... I'm fool enough to fall again... Night after night I wake up crying 'cause I feel like dying...

Song Title and Lyrics: The Rasmus "Night After Night (In the Shadows)"

Word Count: 3903
Total: 6697
Vocabulary...

Baka: idiot/stupid
Boke: idiot/fool (slang)
Iie: no
Yare yare: (akin to) man oh man/boy oh boy/my oh my/etc...
Damare: shut up
Soukyoku: the execution zanpakutou (in case you forgot)