Disclaimer : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners
Warning : Masochism, violence, language.
Note : Do not try this at home. Actually, don't try it anywhere.
Dedication : To ShizukaShadow, who bravely volunteered to be my gamma-reader, which subsequently lead to tossing ideas back and forth, which lead to tossing fanart back and forth. Very very hot, sexy, steamy, porny fanart. And even though she said she felt like she wasn't helping, she really was. Fanart is wildly inspirational. Also, attempting to translate the hiragana on some of the pics and babbling to her with it was helpful with my Japanese. It's a wonderful day when RenIchi can be used in a study session -/UraharaGrin-
Candy Cane : 4 : Bleed Black
I am destroyed by the inside... I disassociate.
I hope to destroy the outside...it will alleviate and elevate me.
Like water flowing into lungs – I'm flowing through these days.
Like morphine cuts through–through deadened veins – I'm numbing in these days
"You have any clue what's goin' on with him?" Renji asked as Urahara fiddled around with the money.
"Kurosaki-san? I haven't been paying particularly close attention to him – why?"
"Cut the crap. You watched him like a hawk before – there's no reason for you to take your eyes off him when you know the kind of stress he's under."
"He's dealing with it," Urahara said solemnly. "It's not the best way, but it's his way. If you're really worried about him, though, I suggest not leaving him alone," he added, handing Renji his money.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Renji said, pocketing it.
"See for yourself."
Renji frowned and reached out, trying to find Ichigo's reiatsu. When he found the faint trace, he sensed something horribly out of place. "Thanks, Urahara," he said quickly before running out.
Urahara frowned with a sigh. "You're not going to like what you find, Abarai-san…"
Renji ran as fast as he could back to the apartment and up the stairs to Ichigo's room. When he got to the door, he paused to compose himself before entering the room calmly.
"Ichigo?" he called, not seeing the boy on his bed. He went to the bathroom door and heard the shower going, so he tried the knob, only to find it locked. "Ichigo!" He growled and busted the crappy lock. He shoved the shower curtain aside to find the boy huddled in the corner, soaked with his sweatpants still on.
And blood running to the drain, a kitchen knife at his feet.
"Ichigo!" Renji shut off the cold water, his hands shaking, before kneeling down and pulling Ichigo's hands away from his head. The boy's left arm was marked with deep cuts and still bleeding. "Fucking hell," he growled.
"D-don't…" Ichigo croaked out and lifted his head. He looked at Renji with blank eyes and a somewhat deranged, euphoric smile. "I'm fine."
"You're not fine – you idiot, you could bleed out and die!"
"I won't die… No… Shirosaki won't let me die…" he said softly. He bowed his head, eyes closed. A few seconds later, the wounds started to close up.
"What the…"
It took maybe fifteen seconds, but the cuts closed, leaving nothing but barely noticeable pale lines.
And Ichigo passed out.
Renji gathered him up in his arms and took him out of the bathroom. He got him dried off, out of his wet clothes and into dry ones. Then he got rid of the ramen-soaked sheets and – not finding any more – wrapped the boy up in extra blankets and laid him on his bed. Renji sat with his back against the wall, Ichigo's head on his outstretched leg.
"What the hell're you doing to yourself, Ichigo…" Renji asked softly, running his hand through the boy's hair.
After a few minutes, Ichigo stirred, rolling over in his sleep with a small groan.
"Ichigo?" Renji spoke softly, trying not to startle him.
"Renji…? Oh—shit," he grimaced and curled up. "I—I…"
"Damare…"
"That wasn't what—"
"It's your way of dealing – Urahara already knew about it."
Ichigo fell silent for a moment. "I was just trying to do what you said – letting it go."
"By trying to bleed it out of you?"
He nodded. "I-I'm sorry… I didn't mean to make you worry…"
Renji sighed. "You're real good at doin' it, though."
Ichigo eyed him with an attempted smirk. "I'm a big boy now, Renji. I can take care of myself."
"Obviously you can't," Renji snapped, killing any trace of amusement in Ichigo's expression. "When you feel okay, you're coming to the store with me."
"W-what? Why?"
"'Cause I don't ever wanna feel that weird feelin' in your reiatsu again," he said firmly.
Ichigo closed his eyes. "Then what am I supposed to do?"
"What're you talking about?"
"You said it yourself – it's my way of dealing. If I can't—If you won't let me deal with it my way, then what do you expect me to do? How am I supposed to deal with this?"
"You'll figure it out."
Ichigo quickly sat up, glaring at him. "Stop saying that! You seem to find everythin' else so damn obvious but you don't think it's obvious I can't figure this out on my own?!"
"I never said you had to do it alone! And really, I'd rather you not do it alone."
"Then say that!" He paused and let himself calm down. "I don't read between the lines all that well, Renji – 'specially not now. If you've got a way to help me, you gotta spell it out for me, otherwise I'm not gonna get it."
"I'm tryin', Ichigo, but I ain't ever been good at explainin' myself, either. What I could put in words, I said last night. Anything beyond that is beyond me."
Ichigo paused to think. "You said…I could distract myself."
"Yeah…"
"You got any suggestions?"
Renji smirked. "Only what Ikkaku and I used to do – hands-to-hand combat until somebody collapses. No weapons, no kidou."
"Shunpo?"
He thought about it for a moment. "Limited. And keep Shirosaki out of it."
Ichigo returned the smirk. "Alright then."
"After we go to the store and get something to eat – you barely touched your ramen this morning."
Ichigo silently and reluctantly tagged along with Renji to the store. He didn't pay much attention as Renji picked out food and whatnot. He stared at the floor and let his mind go blank. Thankfully, his Hollow wasn't bothering him – and why should he? Ichigo wasn't sad, so his inner world wasn't being rained on. It was probably cloudy – the kind of cloudy that could easily clear up in a matter of minutes, and just as easily darken and cause a storm. It was exactly the kind of fence he was on, and he was trying to stay steady on that fence until he could fight with Renji and numb himself with the exact same adrenaline produced by his cutting.
"Yo – berry-head," Renji snapped, tapping Ichigo's head.
Ichigo involuntarily recoiled. When he looked up, a little shaken, Renji was staring at him. "S-sorry. What?"
Renji decided to shrug the reaction off. "You like spicy stuff, right?"
He nodded. "Don't call me berry-head."
"I'll call you whatever the hell I want to."
The boy frowned. "Fucking pineapple," he growled.
Renji just chuckled. That's right – just take it out on me. It's the least I can do for you…
He paid for the food and they took it back to Ichigo's apartment.
After they ate a quick lunch of HotPockets (Renji had to threaten Ichigo to eat it), the two were out of their corporeal forms and engaged in a fast-paced, full-force street brawl on the rooftops in the afternoon summer sun. Renji was quickly realizing that Ichigo was still far superior in hand-to-hand combat, even in his current mental state, and his speed – even without shunpo – was nothing to be taken lightly. The older man stayed primarily on the defensive once he realized that Ichigo was going all out on him. Teasing banter here and there kept the boy from backing down and would often be replied with physical force with a burst of energy (usually excessive and wasted). It was Renji's purpose, though – make Ichigo take everything out on him, and wear him out. So far it was working.
Now the real fun began.
"Oi, berry-brains," Renji called, perching himself on the ledge of the slightly taller neighboring building to the one Ichigo was on.
"Stop with the fucking berry names!" Ichigo snapped.
"Chill for a moment."
"Huh?"
Renji looked over at the skyline, debating on how to bring this up. If he didn't do it right, it could end up causing an irreparable rift in their friendship. But he had to risk it, otherwise this exercise was pointless. "What you did to yourself this morning…" he started.
"Why're you bringing that up?!"
"Damare! Just answer me: did it work? You forgive yourself for it?" He fixed his eyes on him again.
"For…give…? You said I just had to let it go!"
"That requires forgiving yourself!"
"You didn't say that!"
"Do I have to tell you everything?!"
"Apparently!"
"Grow up, Ichigo! Answer the fucking question! Do you or do you not forgive yourself for letting Shibata die?"
"I DIDN'T LET HIM DIE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"
Perfect – thank God you're predictable. Renji braced himself as Ichigo flash-stepped and went for the redhead.
Ichigo's assault lasted for a few minutes and Renji didn't retaliate the whole time until the boy faltered. At that point, Renji kicked him in the stomach just hard enough to send him backwards. Ichigo stumbled and landed flat on his butt, trembling with tears in his eyes.
"You're a fucking asshole…" Ichigo said, his voice shaky and broken.
"Get up, rookie-brat," Renji said coldly.
Ichigo's head snapped up and saw Renji with his arms crossed across his chest and not even looking at him.
"Get up!" Renji snapped, sending a kick to the side of his head.
Ichigo caught it. "I…did not…just let…Shibata Yuuichi…and his family…die," he said firmly, shoving Renji's leg back. "And I'll kill you if you say that again!" he yelled as he kicked at Renji's stomach.
Renji blocked it with an inner smirk. One issue down – good boy, Ichigo. He leapt away again out of Ichigo's range. "One other thing," he started.
"Renji, I don't know what the fuck you're up to, but you better stop bringing Shibata up!"
Renji continued anyway. "Do you forgive yourself for being a soldier?"
"W–…What?"
"Do you forgive yourself for fighting under the command of the Shinigami? For fighting as a soldier?"
"I never…" It clicked. Ichigo sighed and closed his eyes. "I…don't have any regrets about fighting alongside you and the other Shinigami," he said truthfully. "I'm proud of it."
"You can say that to me and have me believe it, but can you say it to yourself and your voices and believe it?"
Ichigo nodded. "Yeah. Arigatou, Renji…"
Renji allowed his happy smirk to show as he chuckled. "Thank God you don't hate me for what I said."
"I don't hate you, but you are gonna pay for tellin' me to grow up," Ichigo said in mock-threat as he attacked Renji again.
Their fighting was on the friendlier side this time, and Renji didn't hesitate to finally start attacking the boy.
"Were you letting me hit you before?" Ichigo asked as Renji dodged another punch.
"Pretty much," Renji replied, jumping back out of range. "You were pretty ineffective – didn't bother me too much."
"What?!" Ichigo lunged for him again. After a few shots, he finally landed a hit and Renji retreated.
"You're still pretty ineffective," Renji said as Ichigo gave chase.
"Ineffective my ass, liar!"
"How many hits have I landed on you so far, berry-head?"
Ichigo caught him in the stomach with his foot. "CUT OUT THE NICKNAMES!"
Renji jumped back and landed in a kneeling position, holding his stomach with one hand as the other steadied himself. "You'll have to do better than that to convince me to stop. And I've landed five – you've only landed three," he added, flash-stepping to land his foot in Ichigo's stomach, sending him backwards.
"You're keeping count?" Ichigo asked, wincing.
"No," Renji said with a smirk. "You're still losing, though."
"I haven't lost yet, bastard," Ichigo growled, flipping his body around and kicking upward to hit Renji square in the jaw.
The redhead let himself fall to his back, unmoving.
Ichigo took a moment to watch him. "Renji?" He crawled over to him. "Renji – you're not funn—ack!" He was hit in the side of his head by Renji's leg and he toppled sideways, rolling away from him. "Bastard!"
Renji sat up and smirked. "Silly rookie – don't you know you're not supposed to trust your opponents?"
Ichigo glowered at him before charging again.
Renji stopped him, kneeing him in one thigh and slamming his elbow in the other.
Ichigo promptly tripped as his legs gave out. "'The hell?!" he yelped, wincing in pain. "You…"
"Dead legs," Renji explained.
"I'm well aware of WHAT you did – I'm wondering WHY!"
Renji nodded his head to the setting sun. "We've been at this for – what? Six, seven hours almost? It's gonna get dark."
Ichigo rubbed at his legs, trying to ease the pain out. "And you had to disable both of my legs to say you wanted to stop?"
"No – I needed to disable both of your legs so you couldn't say I gave up," he explained with a smirk.
The boy glared at him. "Hiatus."
"Hm?"
"The fight's on hiatus."
"Alright. Do you wanna sit there until your legs wake up, or you want a piggyback ride back to your flat?"
Ichigo glared at him for a moment. "Back to my flat," he said.
Renji smirked and kneeled down with his back to him and Ichigo climbed on.
"Wow – you're a lot lighter without Zangetsu," Renji said as he flitted around the rooftops.
"He's not that heavy…" Ichigo said, dozing off on Renji's back.
"So says you. But I guess you've lost some weight yourself."
"Twelve kilo," he mumbled.
"What?!"
"From the day I came back home to…a few days ago."
Renji skidded to a halt. "That was only three weeks!"
Ichigo just shrugged without answering.
"Che… That's it – I'm making you eat. A lot. I'll force it down your throat if I have to," he added, moving again.
Ichigo managed a soft chuckle. "Arigatou, Renji…" he said so softly that Renji wasn't even sure he'd heard him right.
When they got back into Ichigo's flat, Renji dumped him on the bed, waking him up.
"What was that for?" Ichigo muttered.
"So you could get back into your body, boke."
Ichigo looked over at his comatose body and frowned. "I don't want to…"
Renji looked at him, perplexed. "Why the hell not?"
"I don't know… I just don't…feel like it."
"What's that supposed to mean? Actually—don't answer that." He grabbed Ichigo by the front of his robes and shoved him into his body.
"Asshole," Ichigo grumbled as his scrapes and bruises showed up. He closed his eyes for a few seconds and healed the injuries, subsequently healing his dead legs.
Now that he wasn't panicking, Renji could see the faint shadowy reiatsu that swirled around the wounds, forcing them closed. "How'd you learn how to do that?" Renji asked, now back in his gigai, sitting across from him.
Ichigo looked at him for a moment, then looked away. "You don't want to know."
"Too bad – tell me anyway." He was getting suspicious.
The boy winced. "I…tried to kill myself…"
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Song Title and Lyrics: AFI "Bleed Black"
Word Count: 2463
Total: 9160
12 kilograms – 26.4 pounds
Phoenix Reviver gets a cookie for figuring out what Ichigo was gonna do xD