Disclaimer : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners
Warning : Masochism, violence, blood, lewd comments
Note : Fear my plot-bunnies! (Yes, plural – beware)
Dedication : To Campbell's Chunky "To Go" soups, who somehow made me want to eat a spicy soup when I, like Renji, do not like spicy things! Oh well. Gave me something else to put into the story.
Candy Cane : 5 : Fear of Dying
I'm not afraid of screaming, and I'm not afraid of crying...
I'm just afraid of forgetting, and I am afraid of dying...
Renji looked at him in shock.
Ichigo continued. "A few days…after I came back. I couldn't stand the nightmares and the voices anymore, so I sliced my wrists open – did it in the shower, just like how you found me." His voice was emotionless. "Shirosaki asked me if I really wanted to die. He said that he would take over completely and destroy everything I had known. I said I wouldn't let him do that, so he said I couldn't let myself die, and as long as I didn't want to die, he wouldn't let me. So he healed the cuts, showing me how. Now…I can just use his power to heal myself when I want it. The only drawback is that it takes a lot out of me…"
Renji didn't know what to say. A myriad of emotions swirled in him, not letting him just choose one to stick with.
"I told you, you didn't want to know," Ichigo said softly.
"No – I'm glad you told me. I just…don't really know how to react to finding out my nakama tried to commit suicide," Renji replied.
"Anger, pity, disgust – pick one, it doesn't matter. I've already experienced them all," Ichigo snapped, closing his eyes. After a second, his eyes snapped open as he jumped from Renji coming into contact with him to wrap his arms around him. "What're you…"
"I don't know what makes you think I'd be mad at you, or pity you, or be disgusted," Renji said. "If anything, I'm scared. I don't know what's wrong with you and I don't know how to help you, and that scares me pretty bad…"
"Renji…" Ichigo buried his face against the man. "Please…don't say things like that…"
"I have to. I'm sorry, but I can't let you think I'm angry or disgusted, because I'm not."
Ichigo grimaced, fighting tears. "Please…just be mad at me – I can deal with that. I can't… I don't know how to deal with you being scared…"
Renji nuzzled Ichigo's hair with a sigh. "Sorry, but I can't. I can't be angry with anybody who's hurtin' as bad as you."
"Then leave me alone…"
"Can't do that either."
Ichigo attempted to shove him away. "Then what good are you?!"
Renji let him go. "I have no idea, but I'm hoping I'm good for protecting you from yourself."
"I don't need your protection!" His eyes went wide as Renji leaned forward and caught his lips in his own in a tentative kiss. Once he registered what was happening he forcibly shoved the man from him in a panic. "What the hell're you doing?!"
Renji seemed to ignore him as he licked his lips. "That's a pretty good way to shut you up…" he mused.
Ichigo threw a punch, only to have his target move back out of the way, throwing the boy off balance. Renji used that momentum and knocked him down.
"Bastard," the boy growled, not even bothering to get up.
Renji got up. "Call me what you want, Ichigo, I'm not leaving. And I'm gonna make you eat."
"I'm not hungry," he grumbled, curling up on the sheets that made up Renji's bed.
"You lost twelve kilos in three weeks – you haven't been eating at all, have you?"
Ichigo mumbled something.
Renji nudged him with his foot. "Speak up."
"I've been eating, just not a lot…"
"How much is 'not a lot'?"
"…Noodles. Kon stays out until…about now when I work. I get home, make ramen, try to eat it, end up forking out the noodles and I leave the broth for him. He's probably sucking up to some cat loving, D-cup woman who's feeding him all sorts of food. That's the bad thing about giving him a living body – he has to eat to sustain it."
"That's it?"
"And Cheerios sometimes at night when the stomach pains won't go away."
Renji sighed and went into the kitchen. Ichigo heard him open up a can of something and turn on the microwave.
"What're you doing?" Ichigo asked.
"Making soup."
"…What kind?"
"Chicken-somthin'-or-other."
"…You gonna make me eat it?"
"Nope. I'm gonna make you watch me eat it."
Ichigo sat up, looking at him, confused. "What?"
Renji smirked. "Yes, idiot, I'm gonna make you eat it."
The confusion turned into irritation. "I don't like chicken soup."
"Well, I don't like spicy, so somebody's gonna hafta eat it."
The irritation turned to interest. "You didn't say it was spicy."
"Well, you never know. I could be lying."
"Shut it, Renji – you don't get to play mind games with me after what you pulled."
"What – you mad about the kiss?"
"Yes, I'm mad! That was gross!"
Renji smirked, subconsciously licking his lips. "I beg to differ."
Ichigo restrained himself from attacking him. "Teme…"
The redhead snickered and took the bowl of soup out of the microwave as it beeped. "Get over here and eat this – and don't say you ain't hungry."
Reluctantly, Ichigo got up and sat at the dinky little dining table. With a sigh, he idly swirled the soup – grilled chicken and sausage gumbo – around with the spoon.
"Please don't make me spoon-feed you, Ichigo," Renji warned, putting another bowl of soup in the microwave.
"I can't eat it…" he mumbled.
"Why not?"
"No appetite."
Renji looked at him for a moment. "This is more than just shellshock, isn't it?" he said, looking back at the microwave.
Ichigo stared at his soup, poking at the chicken with his spoon. "It's just shellshock. That's it. I'll get over it eventually," he said without any hint of conviction in his voice.
"No – this is a lot deeper…"
"Then what is it, Renji? If you know so goddamn much, what the hell is wrong with me?"
Renji looked over at him again. "Do you remember the names of the Shinigami you knew who died?"
Ichigo looked back at him confused. After a moment, he spoke. "Who…died?"
The man closed his eyes and faced forward as the microwave beeped again. "Hopefully you'll remember soon…" he said softly, getting the bowl out.
The boy went through his memory, trying to recall details, only to find that his memory was full of holes – very large holes. He started panicking. "Renji – please tell me. Who died?"
"It won't mean anything to you if I just give you the names. You have to remember them for yourself. If I tell you, it might just make this worse." He set the soup on the other side of the table and sat down.
"What the hell could be worse than not being able to remember which of my comrades died?!"
"Knowing who died and not being able to remember how they died. That'll just tear you up worse."
Ichigo looked back down at his soup for a minute. "I can't eat this," he said.
"One bite, that's all I ask. It might make you feel a bit better."
"I seriously doubt that…"
"I didn't mean it like that. Just try it."
He sighed and forced himself to eat. After the first bite, he looked a little less begrudging.
Renji smirked as Ichigo started eating more. "You get it now?"
"Shaddap," Ichigo growled.
The redhead just chuckled.
The orange-haired shinigami ran through the barren landscape that was broken in monotony by the occasional nameless, faceless shinigami lying dead on the ground, covered in blood. Nameless because he didn't remember them; faceless because he didn't want to remember them. There was only one face and one name screaming through his head, sending him into a panic with every step as he couldn't find it. He couldn't find that face among the countless dead. He couldn't find that ever-so familiar reiatsu no matter how hard he tried. He couldn't feel anything at all.
Then he saw it. He halted, his heart stopping as he made out the familiar saw-toothed sword silhouetted against the blood-red setting sun and the haphazard spikes jutting from the man's head.
"Renji…"
He went cold, seeing the look in his comrade's eyes – he was angry, hurt, betrayed… The boy looked down, away from that sight, and saw something else that froze him to the core.
He was covered in blood.
"Oh my God…" he breathed, looking up at the redhead, confused and scared. He knew whose blood it was. "I didn't…"
"You're just like them," Renji said, his voice cold, before he collapsed on the ground.
"RENJI!!" Ichigo screamed. His own voice made his eyes snapped open. He stared at the wall, wide-eyed and panting.
Just…a nightmare. Just a nightmare. Oh thank God, it was just a nightmare…
The nightmare had left him shaken and quite reluctant to close his eyes again.
"Ichigo?"
The boy jumped at the voice, then looked back at the redhead. "S-sorry – I didn't mean to wake you—"
"Yeah, I know," Renji said flatly. With a sigh, he moved to Ichigo's bed and wrapped his arms around him like he had done the night before.
"Why're you…"
"You slept better like this last night."
Ichigo didn't fight it. His heart rate slowed as his body relaxed into Renji's embrace. After a moment, he spoke again. "Renji?"
"Hn?" Renji replied sleepily.
"Do you…think I'm just like the Arankar?" he asked softly.
"What? No! What the hell gave you that idea?"
"Not even when Shirosaki's in control?"
"Look, your Hollow's hella freaky, but I have never ever compared you or him to the Arankar – not when it comes to you, specifically."
"So you've compared the Vizard and the Arankar, then…"
"On a purely structural basis. Fundamentally, the Vizard and the Arankar are just as opposite as Shinigami and Hollows."
Ichigo gave a weak smile. "Arigatou, Renji…"
"That's the fourth time you've thanked me in twenty-four hours – it's starting to scare me."
The boy didn't answer as he closed his eyes and relaxed against him again, letting sleep overtake him once more.
"Renji an' Ichi, sittin' in a tree, F – U – C—!"
"YOU'RE DEAD!" Ichigo lunged for the feline, who nimbly hopped up on the desk.
"Man, that was such a cute scene – if only I could work a camera," Kon said with a snicker.
Renji sat up, a bit grumpy from the rude awakening. "You are one annoying mod soul…"
"Imagine living with him," Ichigo growled, glaring at the cat before he stood up.
"I'd rather not…" the man grumbled, getting up.
Kon looked from Ichigo to Renji and back again. "Wait – so…nothing happened?" He sniffed the air. "Nothing happened."
"What're you going on about?"
"You…and him…were all…cuddly…and nothing happened."
"So?"
"SO WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON?!"
"Nightmares," Ichigo answered from the sink.
"And that required getting cuddly with…with him?!"
"Can I toss him out?" Renji asked.
"Please."
Kon attempted to escape but Renji was quicker. He grabbed the tabby by the scruff of the neck and carried the yowling, cursing feline to the open window.
"DON'T DROP ME! WE'RE THREE STORIES UP!"
"Oh shut up," Renji said, letting him go before he shut the window. He looked over only to find Ichigo had disappeared into the bathroom. "Guess I'm making breakfast…"
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Song Title and Lyrics: Jack Off Jill "Fear of Dying"
Word Count: 1867
Total: 11027
Vocabulary...
Nakama: friend/comrade/teammate/ally
Teme: (vulger) you (Note: akin to "you bastard")