Disclaimer : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners
Warning : More Dead People, Angst, Rain, and apparently a Roller-Coaster Ride XD
Notes : This is the longest single-scene chapter I've written so far :P
Dedication : To ShizukaShadow for highlighting ambiguities caused by my pronoun usage (OMFG - I have a flaw?! XD) Also, to the rain. Because this pathetic corner of the US just doesn't get much...

Candy Cane : 8 : 100k

Are you okay? Are you all right? Another bad dream kept you up all night. You've ground your teeth down to the gums. Your eyes are bloodshot from staring at the sun. You say you're okay, you're keeping the pace. But the damage done is written all over your face. Given the chance I'd rather rot in hell, than see you fade selling the lies they tell. We'll burn the house down and break the spell this time. It's time.

When Renji stirred awake, the funny feeling in his legs reminded him of the position he was in when he fell asleep. He bolted upright upon realizing that the boy who'd fallen asleep on those legs was now nowhere to be seen. Quickly, he searched for Ichigo's reiatsu and breathed a sigh of relief when he found him just outside on the back patio, nothing abnormal. Only then did his senses allow him to register that it was raining outside.

Idiot's gonna catch a cold… He got to his feet and followed the reiatsu trace outside. Ichigo was leaning against the porch, out from under the eves, barefoot and shirtless, allowing himself to get soaked in the summer storm.

"How long you planning on staying out here?" Renji asked, leaning against the doorframe. Even if it was a stupid idea on Ichigo's part, it was still better than some of his other, stupider ideas.

"Don't know," Ichigo replied, turning his face up to the sky, eyes closed. "For some reason…when it's raining outside, my inner world never rains. It can darken and cloud up, but it won't rain. Not as long as I'm out in the outside rain."

"So that's why you're out here?"

He turned around and faced Renji, running a hand through his hair, shaking it free of excess water for the moment and getting it out of his eyes. "Pretty much. It calms me down."

"Is that why you did the cutting in your shower?" He hated to bring it up, but he couldn't just let that go unexplained, otherwise Ichigo might try it again.

He nodded, then smirked. "Funny enough, this alone does the same thing that did. Calms me down and gets me soaked."

"And risks you catching a cold."

He chuckled. "Not if I get dried off and warmed up. My body's used to this treatment."

"So… Do you still feel numb?"

Ichigo nodded solemnly. "It reminds me…of when my mother died. I felt numb then, too."

"Do you blame yourself?"

A wry smirk. "You know me, Renji. I've gotta blame myself for everything."

He smirked back. "Yeah, that's true. But you can deal with that, right?"

"I think so. As long as you're here, I think so."

"I can't stay here forever, Ichii. I wish I could—Lord knows I wish I could, but I can't."

"I know that." He sighed and thought for a moment before meeting Renji's eyes again. "Who's the sixth's captain now?"

"Me – or at least it will be."

A solemn nod. He had to close his eyes as a fresh memory flickered through his thoughts, all too vivid. "The third?"

"Still open – Kira won't take the seat, not even temporarily."

Ichigo was able to open his eyes again, his thoughts in kinder territory. "The fifth?"

"For now, Warai – remember her?"

"The bitch with the pole-axe, right?"

"Yep."

"Ah… The ninth?"

"Shuuhei."

"Who's his vice captain?"

"Yumichika, actually. Good thing, too – the eleventh was about to tear him to bits once they found out about his zanpakutou," he added with a chuckle.

Ichigo snorted in laughter. "Where'd Ikkaku end up?"

"Stubborn idiot won't give up his third seat. He could've been the fifth's captain."

"Hanatarou?"

"Fourth's vice captain."

"Ganju?"

"Making nice in the eleventh."

Another chuckle. "Still?"

"Still – the guy's more stubborn than you."

"Aye, I can agree with that. So the third division is still the only one without a captain?"

Renji nodded. He knew what Ichigo was trying to get at. "They'll take you, Ichii – they'll gladly take you."

Ichigo nodded as well, looking away again. "I know… But… What about here?" He sighed and sat down on the patio.

Renji sat beside him, cross-legged so his pants wouldn't get soaked. "That's your choice."

A rueful chuckle. "It's not much of one," he said sadly. "Tatsuki, Orihime, Ishida, Keigo, Mizuiro, Sado…" He sighed. Renji could tell he was on the edge of breaking again. "Besides that… I have two years of high school I need to complete that I have no desire or will to. I have a shitty job and a shitty apartment and…a pretty shitty life here. I'm a lonely, miserable outcast… I have little to no desire to be human, really – I wasn't kidding when I said I didn't feel like going back into my body. I just felt…angry and helpless at the idea. I like being a shinigami – I like being in this form." Another sigh and he looked at Renji. "Ironic – I have to be dead in order to feel alive."

"That's not all that hard to believe. You've maxed out your spirit form numerous times – you know what you're capable of even on a normal scale. In your human body, you're hindered, and you can't even reach that normalcy. It's the same for us with the limit and the gigai – we're at twenty percent anyway, and on top of that, we're confined to a corporeal body."

"You don't like coming here, do you?"

"Just when it involves the gigai. But it's part of my job, and I like my job. A lot."

Ichigo fell silent in thought for a long moment as they stared out into the pouring rain, the grey sky occasionally lit up by distant lightning. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft, hesitant. "Is it horrible of me…if I want to leave this world?"

Renji watched him, not sure how to answer. Even if almost everybody from this world Ichigo had gotten involved in this was now dead, he still had his family. He still had his nutty father and his baby sisters to live for. Was it really all that horrible, though, that he had the desire to feel alive again? That he had the drive to do what he wanted? The only thing remotely "horrible" about it, though, was where this desire had to take him in order to be fulfilled. For all technicalities, Ichigo had to die in order for him to do this. "You won't be leaving it – not like that. You still have the ability and the reason to come back and visit. It's just like living somewhere else – overseas or something."

"You make it sound so simple…"

"Not everything is as complicated as you like to think it is."

A smile tugged at the corners of his lips. "I wish…" he said.

"Really, Ichigo, life is not that complicated. It shouldn't be that complicated."

"Maybe not for you," he retorted stubbornly.

Renji smacked him upside the head. "It should be even less complicated for a baby like you," he snapped.

Ichigo glared at him. "My life isn't easy, you know."

"I know that – I never said life should be easy, I just said it shouldn't be complicated. You should be able to do what you want – that's the simplicity. Follow your heart, live how you want. But it's never easy. If following your heart was easy, more people would be doing it," he pointed out.

This made Ichigo laugh a bit.

"And you," Renji continued, "you've got a real bad habit of doing things the hard way."

The boy fell silent, his eyes half-lidded, staring at the ground, completely drenched in rainwater.

Renji watched him, resisting the urge to hug and coddle him like a kicked and abandoned puppy – which was exactly what he resembled at the moment. Alas, the longer the rainwater ran down Ichigo's face, the thinner and thinner Renji's will was stretched until finally, he had to tear his eyes away from him, shutting them tight as he shook his head vigorously. "Cut it out, berry-brains," he growled not unkindly.

Ichigo snapped out of his own thoughts and looked over at Renji, puzzled.

Renji lifted his head, but he kept his eyes blatantly averted. "You're a tough kid. You've always been a tough kid. I've seen you in plenty of states, but you've always stayed tough. So I could stand it when you were feeling like shit. But I can't stand this—I can't stand seeing you looking like you don't know what to do. If you don't gain some sort of resolve, I'm either gonna lock you out here until you do, or I'm gonna…" He trailed off, shaking his head and hiding a smirk. "Nevermind. I'm just gonna lock you out here."

Ichigo's puzzlement turned into skepticism. "What else did you have in mind?"

"Nothing – I couldn't think of anything," he admitted, smirking at him.

"You were thinking of something—I know you – I know that face."

"Trust me, you don't wanna know."

He scowled. "Pervert."

"Hey – you were the one trying to get in my pants just a few hours ago," he retorted.

Ichigo turned as red as his namesake and he looked the other way. "Can you forget about that? Please?"

"Hell no. I gotta have some sort of blackmail over you."

He turned back just enough to glare at him out of the corner of his eye. "Bastard."

"Brat."

"Pillow-biter."

"You wanna prove that?"

He threw a punch, only to have Renji catch him by the wrist. Ichigo stepped forward, pulling the redhead almost off the porch, making him let go. Renji looked at him for a moment before smirking. Ichigo had regained some of his composure (along with a little indignation) and wasn't looking quite so pitiful. The redhead decided he preferred this Ichigo to the abandoned puppy Ichigo.

"You're a real pain, you know that?" Ichigo snapped, shaking his hair free of water for the moment.

"You look better like that," he said, ignoring him.

Ichigo eyed him, half-confused, half-skeptical. "What do you mean?"

"When you're pissed – even if you're pissed at me. You look better like that than you do when you look lost. You look like you."

Ichigo let that sink in for a moment, then looked down at himself, smirking. "I look like a drowned rat," he said.

"Yeah, but a pissed drowned rat, not a pathetic drowned rat," Renji replied. "And can you come in out of the rain? You're makin' me cold just lookin' at ya."

"It's not that bad, actually."

"Are you just saying that 'cause you don't wanna come in?"

"Iye – here, come here," he said, holding out his hand.

Renji looked at it for a moment before taking his hand, allowing himself to be pulled onto his bare feet in the rain. The cool water combined with the warm summer air actually did make the experience rather enjoyable, and he didn't stop himself from smiling. "Heh, it is kinda nice out here…"

"It's…" Ichigo let go of his hand and looked down at the ground. "You mind if I tell you something incredibly dorky?" he asked, glancing up at him.

"If you wanna say it, I'll listen."

The corners of his lips twitched, betraying a smile. "The rain…has emotions. Like the rain in my inner world – it can be cold and sharp, like tiny icicles. Sometimes it's just a drizzle. Other times it's icy, fat drops. It's different, depending on what kind of shitty I feel. It's never warm, though – it's never like this. Warm, soft rain in fat drops – I can't associate it with any kind of shitty feeling I could get into. It…makes me happy. It's comforting." By the time he was done explaining, his ears and cheeks had taken on a pink hue.

Renji lifted his head up, facing the sky with his eyes closed. The rain really did feel comforting.

"Pretty stupid, huh?" Ichigo said, breaking the silence.

"It's not stupid – not at all," Renji replied softly, facing him again with a smile. "A little dorky, yeah, but it's not stupid."

"You're just saying that so I don't kick your ass…"

"If I wanted to lie, it'd be because I don't want you to break down again. I could care less about you attempting to beat me up."

Ichigo glared with a smirk before throwing another punch at him, which was caught again, and used his free hand to shove against Renji's shoulder, using the momentum to slam the redhead backwards into a post supporting the roof over the porch.

Renji winced, though the pain wasn't so much of a problem as the surprise was. He managed an approving smirk. "See? You beat me up anyway, no matter what I say."

"Because you're noisy," Ichigo retorted. He hadn't lifted pressure off of his friend's shoulder, nor had Renji loosened his grip on the other's wrist.

"I'll bet you are, too," Renji countered, a playful glint in his eyes.

It took a second for the implication to register, and when it did, Ichigo scowled and punched him in the shoulder with his free hand before shifting back, at which time Renji let him go, laughing. "Will you stop saying shit like that? You're the gay one here!"

"Just me? How so?" He was still in a humorous mood, wildly amused by his friend's embarrassment.

"You said that if I wasn't your friend, you'd give me what I was asking for!"

"You were the one asking for it."

"So you're just a whore."

"What?!" He hadn't been expecting that. If it wasn't for the underlying torment in Ichigo's eyes, Renji would've gladly played around with that. "Where did you get that stupid idea?"

"You said… 'I know what you think you want, and if you weren't my friend, I'd give it to you.' So you'll just fuck anybody that asks?"

"Wha…? Oh – oh god." He smacked his palm against his forehead. "That really isn't what I was trying to say, idiot."

"What else am I supposed to think?"

"I screwed up, okay? I'm not a fucking poet or anything!"

"So what were you trying to say?"

"I was trying to say…" He stopped. What was he trying to say? He frowned as he tried to find a way around his little slip, only to find that there was none if he kept the subject on himself. "Look – why do you even care? It's my private life."

"You're the one who kissed me first!"

"I already apologized for that! And again, why do you even care?!"

"I don't!"

"Then either shut up about it or I'm gonna start thinkin' you're jealous!"

Instead of replying, Ichigo swung his fist for Renji's cheek.

The redhead let him connect this time, and ended up with his head down, a little bit of blood dribbling out of the corner of his mouth. "Yeah, okay…" he said softly, wiping the blood away with the back of his hand. "If you're trying to make me think you really don't care, you're not doing a very good job."

"I don't. You're just…extremely annoying."

"I'm only annoying to you because I'm right."

"So what if you are? Maybe I am jealous, or maybe I'm just disgusted that I thought you were a pretty decent guy, only to find out you'd fuck anybody for free!"

Despite himself, Renji laughed. "You're getting that just from a little screw-up?" He looked up at him. "I don't just fuck anybody, and it's hardly for free."

"So you're admitting you are a whore."

He shook his head. "I wish – I would've at least made some money that way," he muttered, turning around to go inside. He had no desire to inform the boy of that part of his life – he barely acknowledged it himself.

Ichigo stood puzzled for a moment. He could've sworn Renji's voice held hints of regret and embarrassment – but this was Renji. It suddenly occurred to him that whether or not his accusations were right, he had obviously brought something up that really was a part of Renji's past – something Ichigo really had no business prying into. "Renji—wait," he said, grabbing for the man's arm only to catch a fistful of his sleeve. Renji stopped on the porch but didn't turn around or acknowledge him. "I'm sorry. That was…really stupid…"

"Forget about it, Ichigo," Renji replied, his voice flat and cold.

Ichigo frowned and stepped closer to rest his forehead against Renji's back. "I will. If you want me to, I will."

Surprised at the boy's tone, Renji looked over his shoulder at him. After a moment, he sighed and faced forward again. "Let go," he said finally, stepping away.

Ichigo looked up again, tightening his grip on Renji's sleeve. "Renji…"

"What do you want me to say?" he snapped.

He nearly shattered and had to take a moment to steady himself before he stepped back, pulling Renji around and off the porch, back into the rain. Renji had just enough time to steady himself on his feet before Ichigo's trembling hands fisted the front of his robes and pulled him close, crushing their mouths together.

Renji's eyes went wide – not because of the kiss itself, but because Ichigo was shaking, and it wasn't because he was cold. He was shaking out of a different sort of fear that echoed in his reiatsu as well. Different because it wasn't the fear of his own memories that made him seek a distraction; it was the fear of facing something wholly unknown to him. And for all the world, Renji just wanted to make that fear go away, never to return. So he returned the kiss, gently wrapping his arms around him.

When they broke apart, Ichigo rested his head on Renji's shoulder. "I really am sorry about calling you a whore…" he said softly.

"I know."

"And I'm kinda cold now…" he mumbled.

Renji chuckled. He could feel the boy's intermittent, suppressed shivers. "Yeah, I could go for a hot shower right now."

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Song Title and Lyrics: The Loved Ones "100k"

I had the hardest time trying to find a good song to match this chapter ›.‹ But this one actually fits alright. It's more along the lines of this story's theme song "Candy Cane" (same band) where it kind of encompasses the whole story more than just the chapter itself, but with the new flood of memories, Ichigo really is back at square one - where the story started (kinda - Ichigo was like at square...negative three...).

Anywho! Hope you guys pick up on hints through the shininess that is Renji and shirtless!Ichigo kissing in the pouring rain XD (I wish I was Ichigo...lucky bastard XD)

Words: 2955
Total: 17423
Extra Note: If you're really curious as to who's alive and who's dead, all I can say is that those who have been mentioned so far (and that haven't been noted as being dead), are still alive. Those formerly in the positions being filled (aside from Gin's, Aizen's, and Tousen's old positions) are most likely dead (so don't ask me where Byakuya is or I'll beat you over the head with a frozen trout e.e).

Also: Sorry - this would've been up sooner if FFN's email alerts had been working ›.› Blame them - I've been wanting to post this for a while.