Disclaimer : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners
Warning : Angst (why do I even bother saying that? XD), More Dead People
Notes : In the last flashback, Shirosaki's name isn't used because he doesn't have that name at the time.
Dedication : To ShizukaShadow - without her, you guys would be so damn confused XD This chapter went through two major revisions before we came up with this. And she's making me write down the plot! So, seriously, without her, this story would be lost. She's the one that's keeping this story in focus.

Candy Cane : 9 : Violence

Like violence...you have me...forever...and after.
Like violence...you kill me...forever...and after.

After they had showered and let their clothes hang out to dry, they had dug up some spare pajamas and curled up on the futon again, Renji spooned snuggly around Ichigo, his arms wrapped around him, holding him tight.

That had been an hour ago. Ichigo was sound asleep, but Renji was still awake, unable to rid his mind of memories he'd much rather forget.

As soon as his last class let out, Renji said a quick goodbye to Kira and Hinamori, saying he needed to go study as his excuse for not hanging out with them.

After dropping his extra things off at his dorm, he carried his homework with him to the sixth-rounders' dorms. The first time he had walked through these halls, he'd gotten a few odd looks, but now nobody paid any attention to him. He had a sixth-rounder tutor and that was all.

The redhead opened the door without even knocking.

"Goddamn, you're rude," Shuuhei snapped from his lazy position on his bed, referring to the absence of the obligatory knock at the door.

Renji just chuckled, shutting the door behind him. "What does it matter?" he asked. This wasn't uncommon – Shuuhei always snapped about something regarding Renji's lack of respect as soon as he walked through the door.

"I could've been getting a present ready for you," Shuuhei explained flippantly.

"Yeah right – you know when my class lets out and how long it takes me to get over here," Renji replied, dumping his homework on Shuuhei's desk. "But am I supposed to assume you do have a present for me?" he asked, walking over to the head of Shuuhei's bed and kneeling down.

Shuuhei smirked up at him. "Later. Homework first."

"Well now you've got me all curious – I'll never be able to concentrate," Renji whined playfully.

The onyx-haired man sighed and propped himself up on his elbows before meeting Renji's lips with his own in a quick kiss. "That's all you get until you prove you've gotten smarter."

Renji grinned.

After they had gone over Renji's work and corrected his mistakes, Shuuhei finally decided Renji was actually learning, which was lucky because there was a knock at the door shortly after.

"Door's open, Akon," Shuuhei called.

"Sorry I'm a little later than you said," Akon replied, walking in. He was about as tall as Shuuhei with short black hair that spiked out from a lighting bolt part on the left side of his head. He had three small spikes on his forehead – two in a line down from the part, and one across from the bottom one.

"No big deal."

"So this is the brat?"

Renji went from warily eyeing the newcomer to glaring at Shuuhei.

Shuuhei caught it, smirked, and undid Renji's hair-tie. "Hey – this is your present. Don't be getting' all pissy." The redhead cocked an eyebrow, making Shuuhei laugh. "Don't judge."

"Would it be easier for him if we turned off the lights?" Akon said dryly.

"Nah – I've got a better idea," Shuuhei replied, grabbing a piece of cloth from a shelf. He folded it and blindfolded Renji. "You okay with this, Renji?"

"Maybe…"

Renji sighed, gently nuzzling Ichigo's soft hair. Being Shuuhei's "pet" had started out in payment for the tutoring. It wasn't…a horrible setup, really. They had both ended up being each other's distraction and sedative, and even Renji's initial misgivings about involving Shuuhei's friends had been forgotten quite easily. Shuuhei had been pretty good at keeping everything seemingly platonic in public, and Renji had no problem following suit, so when their relationship had faded and finally broke off eight years later, nobody was the wiser.

Gah – why the hell am I even thinking about that? This is completely different!

"Because it would upset him, which will upset you," Zabimaru pointed out.

Yeah… But he doesn't need to know. It's got nothing to do with anything and he certainly doesn't need that added to his instability.

"You think he will just give it up? Boke – he's just as stubborn and thickheaded as you. He'll want to know, even if he doesn't want to know."

Honestly, that last sentence shouldn't have made any sense…

"You know what I mean, boke."

Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. But he really doesn't need to know. It seemed like he felt bad enough just for digging it up on accident… Besides, he has his own problems to deal with.

"If you keep dwelling on this, though, it's going to affect how you treat him."

His thoughts fell silent. Zabimaru was right – as long as the experience was in his mind unspoken, he was probably going to get awkward around Ichigo. He was somewhat afraid that he would act like Shuuhei had with him, but even more afraid that Ichigo would act like he had with Shuuhei. A sort of pseudo-dependency – functioning fine alone, not needing anybody when nobody was there, but becoming desperately attached to the single person who decided to initiate a relationship, becoming willing to do anything and everything to stay together. As much as Renji loved the little idiot, he would kill himself if he turned the kid into what he had been.

Should I tell him?

"Depends on what you think will hurt him worse – hearing about your past, or not knowing why you're acting funny?"

He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the back of Ichigo's head. He honestly didn't know what would be worse for Ichigo alone, but when it came to their relationship… It's better if he knows now – he doesn't have any commitment. He can back out of it.

"Are you willing to let him go?"

He shifted his head up again and pressed his lips gently against Ichigo's head. Probably not. But this is his choice. It has to be his choice.

With that conviction firm in his mind, Zabimaru quieted. Finally, Renji was able to close his eyes and let sleep overtake him.

Ichigo woke up to the sound of birds chirping loudly outside the window. He silently wished for a shotgun as he groaned softly, burying his face into the pillow. As much as he hated the annoyingly cheery awakening, he was pleasantly reminded of the warm body whose possessive embrace pulled him closer just slightly, and he couldn't and didn't even want to hold back the smile.

This is…a good thing. This is a really good thing. His thoughts not giving him any opposition, his smile widened. It had been far too long since he was able to say that without doubting it. He just needed one more source of approval from himself… He closed his eyes again and slipped into his inner world.

The sideways city of his world was amazingly sunny. "Shirosaki," he said, knowing that wherever the Hollow was, he'd hear him.

"I don't know what's worse – the emo rain, or this fucking chick-flick of fluffy happiness," Shirosaki snapped from behind him.

Ichigo turned around to find the white spirit leaning lazily against a ledge. "What – no 'I was right'?" Ichigo said with a smirk.

The Hollow snorted. "There's plenty of time for that later. Say what you want to say – your boyfriend's gonna wake up soon."

Ichigo blinked at him, a bit surprised. "Why do you care?"

Shirosaki rolled his eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you? By proxy, your pains and your pleasures are my pains and my pleasures. Renji's definitely your pleasure – this is the happiest this world's ever been. So, yeah, I care that you're happy because that means I don't get drenched. And who knows? Maybe if things stay like this for long enough, I'll get a tan!" he added, sticking his blue tongue out with a grin.

The boy chuckled and walked over to lean against the ledge next to him. "You're jealous," he stated softly.

Shirosaki sighed, glaring slightly at the ground. "Damn, I'm getting as transparent as you," he deadpanned

"Why?" Ichigo asked, ignoring the pseudo-insult.

"I've spent all this time tryin' to keep you sane, and then that jerk comes along and knocks you on yer ass and you…you go and do this," he waved his hand toward the sky.

Ichigo watched him for a moment. The Hollow had been his only source of stability, but he was hardly any source of the kind of comfort Ichigo had needed. Shirosaki was still Ichigo, leaving anything between them just as empty is if it were only Ichigo alone. Renji, though… "Renji is something you aren't, Shirosaki. He's the one thing you cannot physically be."

"I know that," the Hollow snapped. Then he closed his eyes, tilted his head up to the sky with a slight sigh, and then slowly opened them again. Wisps of grey clouds were beginning to form. "Go back to him, Ichigo. As much as I hate it, you're his now, and as long as it's not him who's making this world rain, I can deal. The first time he hurts you, though, I'm personally kicking his ass."

"He won't hurt me," Ichigo stated pointedly.

Shirosaki snorted softly and looked in the opposite direction. "You're just looking for approval – you have it. I can't do anything about it."

"That's not approval – that's acceptance."

"You won't get much more out of me. Git goin' – he's waking up."

"I won't try to ignore you this time, I promise," Ichigo said softly before disappearing back into his body.

The spirit snorted softly. "I'm holding you to that, but it's him who'll pay."

Ichigo allowed his eyes to open with a soft sigh. The tension between him and his darker side ruined his good mood.

"Ichii?"

"Hn…?"

Renji hesitated before nuzzling at Ichigo's hair a bit. "You hungry?"

The boy closed his eyes and pressed himself against Renji. "Not if it means you're getting up," he muttered.

The redhead chuckled. "We gotta move sometime, idiot. And since I'm starving, I gotta assume you're at least a little hungry."

Ichigo didn't reply, but his stomach growled loudly. After a pause in which Ichigo could figure out what Renji was going to say, he snapped, "Shut up."

Renji laughed outright and separated himself from the boy. "Lemme go see what Urahara has in stock and I'll give you choices, 'kay?" he said as he stood up.

"Nngh…" was Ichigo's articulate reply as he rolled over into the warm space Renji had occupied. "Wait," he said, tugging at Renji's sleeve.

"Hm?"

The boy let go, propping himself up on his elbow, and motioned for him to come closer. Renji bent down and when he was close enough, Ichigo slipped his hand behind Renji's head and pulled him into a kiss. "Mornin'," he mumbled happily against his lips.

Renji closed his eyes and sank to his knees, his arms crossed on the futon. "Dammit…" he muttered.

Ichigo would've let it go as a joke or something, but Renji wasn't smiling. "What's wrong…?" he asked. "Did I do something wrong?"

This brought a small smirk to Renji's lips. "No, it's not you… I was gonna tell you anyway, over breakfast, but I guess…I'll just tell you now."

"Tell me what?"

"About…earlier. What I was trying to say—"

"Renji—Don't. I feel bad enough about it. It's your past. It's none of my business."

Renji smiled. The kid could still surprise him. "You're an idiot…" he murmured affectionately.

"I know…" Ichigo replied softly.

The redhead studied him curiously for a moment. "What's with that face?" he asked, running his hand through Ichigo's hair.

Ichigo closed his eyes and tilted his head into Renji's hand. "It's nothing. I promise, it's nothing," he added, trying to sound sincere. His gloomy mood was only the result of something he really didn't want to talk about.

"You really suck at lying, you know that?"

He had to smirk. He opened his eyes a bit and glanced at Renji before he dropped his gaze. "You really don't need to know – it's got nothing to do with the war or my memories."

"Please don't think those are the only things I wanna know about, Ichigo…"

"'Want to.' I said 'need to.'"

"You're arguing semantics." Renji sighed and pushed himself up to sit on the edge of the futon. "Seriously, Ichii – what's wrong?"

"It's nothing…" he replied, almost in a whine, not even trying to sound convincing. He didn't look up but he could feel Renji's scrutinizing glare. After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, he said softly, "It's Shirosaki…"

Renji ran his fingers gently through Ichigo's hair and they sat in silence again.

"Don't hurt me," Ichigo said suddenly, still not looking up at him.

"I wouldn't—"

"Shirosaki…will probably kill you. That's the only reason I care."

"Don't say things like that," Renji rebuked.

Ichigo finally looked up into Renji's eyes. "But he—"

"Not him – you. You should damn well care if I hurt you, and Shirosaki has every right to kill me if I do."

The boy dropped his eyes again. "He doesn't… He doesn't have any right to say that. Not after…" he said quietly, trailing off.

"After what?"

Ichigo hesitated. "Nothing…"

"Ichigo – what the hell did he do to you?" Renji asked sharply.

"It's nothing!" Ichigo snapped. "It's nothing…"

Renji frowned, not liking the implications he was picking up on. "He didn't…" he started in disbelief.

"It doesn't mean anything…" the boy said softly. "He's…me. It's just…myself. It's nothing…"

"No, Ichigo… He may be a part of you, but he's not you. Even if it technically doesn't mean anything, it still means something if it's affected you this much."

"It doesn't matter," Ichigo snapped in a pleading voice as he dropped back down onto the bed and rolled over on his other side. "It's my fault anyway," he added, a bit quieter.

"Why?" Renji couldn't believe that after all Ichigo had been through, he'd be stupid enough to allow himself to be subjected to that.

Ichigo didn't answer and Renji wondered if he'd passed out. He reached out and lightly touched Ichigo's shoulder and felt the boy jump a bit.

"Ichigo – why is it your fault?"

"It doesn't matter," Ichigo insisted, his voice breaking. "Please…just…leave it alone…"

"That isn't gonna happen, Ichigo! Why're you blaming yourself for this?!" Renji snapped. He didn't mean to sound so angry, but he was just so frustrated…

"Because I asked for it!" Ichigo snapped back, his body curling up just a little tighter. "I asked him…just like I asked you last night…"

Renji stared at him, stunned. "Why…?"

"I didn't know…how else to deal with it… With Nell's…" His voice broke and he choked back a sob. "I didn't know what else to do…"

Ichigo retreated to his inner world and found it pouring rain.The Hollow was there, clearly not pleased with the emotional weather.

Their eyes met – angry gold and desperate brown. Ichigo looked down, the Hollow looked away.

Ichigo braced himself. "Can you…make this stop…?" he asked softly. "I just…want it to stop…"

The Hollow snorted, glancing back at the broken boy for a moment. "Nice of ya t'ask, but this ain't my world," he said, turning to walk off.

Ichigo caught up with him and caught him by the wrist. "I know you can help. Just help me forget. I just want to forget," he pleaded.

The Hollow studied him for a moment. He knew what Ichigo was asking for and why – the boy was a mess, looking for comfort. Looking for a distraction. He sighed. If Ichigo was going to get like this after every single one, there was no way he'd be able to fight in the war. He'd be killed even before the Hollow would have any chance to take over.

The Hollow flicked his wrist out of Ichigo's grasp and grabbed the boy's instead. Without any hesitation he kissed him possessively, and Ichigo gladly melted against him. There was a subtle shift in the rain – one that the Hollow caught, but Ichigo didn't. It wasn't surprising – when it's raining that hard, not many people notice when it gets a little harder…

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Song Title and Lyrics: Blink-182 "Violence"
Words: 2707
Total: 20130
Because I don't want people complaining: it's not non-con! ›.‹ (though it amounts to the same thing...)