Disclaimer : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners
Warning : Randomness, angsting, and Isshin
Note : HOLYFUCKDON'TKILLME. Sorry I haven't updated. I went through a phase of BLAH where I didn't want to write. Shizzy let me have the break (so blame her XD j/k) but now I'm back and better than ever! ‹3 I was also waiting for the alerts to work again (excuses excuses - I know! XD)
Dedication : To all of you who're still with me and reading this XD Thanks for putting up with me!
Candy Cane : 11 : Can't Repeat
Life goes on – come of age,
Can't hold on – turn the page.
Time rolls on – wipe these eyes,
Yesterday laughs – tomorrow cries.
Ichigo and Renji had to make a detour to Ichigo's flat and return to their corporeal bodies (which resulted in a hot shower together in the tiny stall) before they started on the walk to the Kurosaki Clinic.
After a few awkward minutes, Renji brushed his hand against Ichigo's.
Ichigo looked at their hands. "Don't…"
"Why not?"
"It's just…" he shifted uncomfortably, then sighed and took Renji's hand in his own. His face flushed, but he liked the reassuring contact.
Renji chuckled. "Is this okay?"
Ichigo nodded as he attempted to return his face to a normal color. "I'm…a little scared…"
"Of what?"
"Talking to my dad. I mean, I know he's not gonna disapprove of anything, but…" he sighed, "I don't know. I guess I just can't believe that he'd be so open to everything. He's gotta draw the line somewhere, right?"
"He'd be a hypocrite if he forbade you to go back to Soul Society," Renji pointed out. "He came here for the same reason you're going back."
Ichigo nodded. "But…he came here to get away from the violence… I'm going back into it."
"He came here because he is a father and he was meant to raise a family. You are…a guardian, a hero, and you are meant to fight and protect those close to you," Renji said plainly, gently squeezing Ichigo's hand.
Ichigo smiled a bit. "Even if… Even if he doesn't approve…I'm still gonna go. And if he doesn't approve of…of this," he moved his hand a bit, indicating their relationship, "then I'm just gonna kick his ass until he does."
Renji chuckled. "That sounds more like the ryoka brat I know," he teased affectionately.
His smile grew a little more. "What…is Soul Society like…when it comes to…to this?" he asked hesitantly.
"Whaddaya mean?"
"Well, I mean, it's not exactly approved of over here. Even little things like this – just holding hands – it's not…right, I guess. Or something stupid like that… I guess I just wanna know if Soul Society's the same way or if it'll be okay for people to know…"
Renji thought for a moment. "It's not somethin' you'd wanna go braggin' about, I guess, but nobody really does that, even with guys and girls. The other guys pick up on things like that pretty quick on their own. It's not taboo, if that's what you're askin'. Pretty normal, really. It's things like…like a graduated Shinigami bein' with an Academy student that can get you into a bit of trouble," he said with a grim chuckle. "I think it happens pretty frequently, though. But that ain't permission to go scoutin' out all the pretty boys," he added jokingly.
Ichigo snorted. "I'm still a baby compared to them, remember?"
"Age doesn't matter when you're a Shinigami – only rank does. It's the only way kids like me have any authority over some of these guys."
"How old are you, anyway?"
"Ah… Prob'ly 'round two hundred."
"And you look about twenty – so a ten-to-one ratio, right?"
Renji shrugged. "Sounds about right, I guess."
Ichigo paused. "I'll stop aging, too, right? Even if my body doesn't technically die…I'll slow down like everybody else?"
Renji looked at him. "I…honestly don't know. I know if you actually die that, yeah, you'll age like the rest of us, but I don't know what'll happen if you keep your body alive…"
The boy sighed. "I really will have to die, won't I?"
"Probably… But Urahara can help us out there."
He nodded and they fell into silence again, though one more comfortable than before.
Ichigo let go of Renji's hand as he opened the door to his family's home. The both walked inside, Renji a few steps behind Ichigo.
"ICHIGOOOOOO!!!" a voice boomed before a large blur slammed into the boy. "My son has returned!" Isshin exclaimed, putting Ichigo in an aggressively affectionate headlock.
Without saying anything, Ichigo threw him into the wall.
"How cruel you are to your father!" the man cried from his upside-down vantage point. He suddenly noticed Renji and immediately uprighted himself, his energy renewed. "And you don't even introduce me to your friend!"
"Dad…!" Ichigo finally snapped half-heartedly, not looking at him.
The energy in the room shifted.
"Eh?" Isshin picked up on his son's uneasiness. "Something wrong?"
"Yeah. There's something wrong," he replied solemnly.
Isshin looked between Renji and Ichigo. Then suddenly exclaimed, "Oh my son – there's nothing to be afraid of! Daddy approves!" before tackling the boy in a tight bear hug.
"DAD!"
"Not it?"
"I'm…going back to Soul Society. For good this time."
Before Ichigo could elaborate, Isshin made the boys sit down in the living room while he made tea, because they couldn't have a proper discussion without proper tea. As the retired Shinigami captain waited for the water to boil, he watched Ichigo and Renji from the kitchen doorway. Ichigo truly was his son in all senses – like him, the boy had to choose between two worlds. Isshin was rather proud that his boy had figured that out so soon, though, and he was happy that Ichigo had found somebody to make that selfish decision for.
As ironic as it sounded, the very nature of love was a sort of selfishness that served two, not one. And after everything Isshin had seen Ichigo go through, he was more than happy to see that his boy had found somebody to be selfish for. Even if that somebody was another man.
Of course, he'd always suspected it – father's intuition and all. And constant snooping.
Back on the couch, Ichigo was leaning against Renji, lazily interlacing their fingers.
"You okay?" Renji asked softly.
"Yeah, I'm fine." When Renji gave his fingers a light squeeze, he added, "I'm just…a little scared, I guess."
"You're past the hard part – it's all downhill from here," he said, gently nuzzling into the orange hair.
"No hanky-panky on the couch!" Isshin called just before the teakettle whistled.
Ichigo growled and Renji chuckled.
"Hey, Dad, where are the girls?" Ichigo called after a few moments, realizing that the two should've been alerted as soon as he came home.
"At a friend's house," Isshin replied, carrying in a tray with three steaming cups. He set the tray down on the low table and sat across from the boys.
The three men sat in silence as they allowed the tea to cool.
"Aa – Soul Society, eh?" Isshin finally said, breaking the silence.
Ichigo nodded once. He couldn't speak if only because he didn't know how to put everything into words.
Isshin seemed to understand, though. "Your sisters will miss you."
"I'll come back and visit. I'll write regularly, I promise."
"You don't need to make any promises to me. Your mother named you Ichigo for a reason. You were born to protect one thing, one person as a guardian angel. I know she would be happy to see that her son has found that one thing."
Ichigo looked up at him, earthy brown eyes meeting dark chocolate ones.
His father smiled warmly and set his hand on the boy's head. "You are my son. Being a Shinigami is in your blood, but you chose to be one in your heart, and if Soul Society is a better place to allow your heart to flourish, then so be it. I would not be a very good father if I disapproved of your heart's path. Masaki would get mad at me," he added affectionately.
Renji was loath to ruin the father-son moment, but he feared that if he didn't, the matter of what to do with Ichigo's body would never be resolved. "Anou…"
"Oh! My other son feels neglected!" Isshin exclaimed, his sobriety fleeing once again. "Daddy is sorry!" He grabbed Renji in a bear hug, nearly crushing him.
"Ah—iye iye!" Renji stuttered, trying to pry himself free. "It's just—"
"I need to die," Ichigo supplied.
"Eh?" Isshin's grip slackened as he looked quizzically at Ichigo.
Renji took the chance and pushed the man from him. "Ichigo has to technically die in order for his soul to act normal in Soul Society," he explained.
"Sou ka?" Isshin looked thoughtful for a moment. "Guess that makes sense. I had to turn into a human so my soul would act normal in this world… Yosh! We can bury you next to Masaki!" he said cheerily.
"You aren't supposed to act happy about that!" Ichigo snapped.
"Oh, but we can have a beautiful black hearse and white lilies—"
"Urusai!" Ichigo kicked him in the face, shutting him up.
"I think your father's right, actually…" Renji said gingerly.
"Please – call me Daddy! You're family now!" Isshin said, blood trickling from his swollen nose.
"Stop creeping him out, Dad…" Ichigo grumbled. "And what're you doing agreeing with him?" he shot at Renji.
"You guys have those records and everything, right? A person can't just disappear like you're going to do without some sort of explanation. If your body is killed, it'll make things all the more believable."
"Oh, my new son is so smart!" He attempted to show his aggressive affection once again but was denied by Ichigo's foot in his face once again.
"Well, when you put it that way. Yeah, I guess. But how do we kill me without making it look like a murder?"
Renji hesitated before glancing down at Ichigo's arm.
Ichigo followed his eyes to the unnoticeable scars. "You're kidding…" he groaned looking back up at him.
"You've tried it once before – wouldn't be that hard to believe."
"Eh? Tried what?" Isshin asked, recovering from the latest retaliation.
"Urahara didn't tell you?" Ichigo replied, surprised.
"Guess not."
Suddenly irritated, Ichigo got up and snapped, "Go ask him if you're interested," as he quickly made his way to the stairs.
"Ichii…" Renji got up to follow him, but he was stopped as Isshin grabbed him by the wrist.
"What did he try to do?" the man asked, his tone more serious than Renji had ever heard it.
The redhead looked at him, then back the way Ichigo went. "Suicide," he replied softly before freeing his arm from the man's grasp and following Ichigo.
When he got up to Ichigo's room, he opened the door slowly and found the boy sitting calmly on the edge of his bed.
"What was that?"
"I didn't want to be the one to say it… You told him, didn't you?"
Renji nodded and sat down next to him, wrapping his arms around the boy. "I think he figured it out anyway by your reaction."
"I know." Ichigo tilted his head and kissed him. "You…really confuse me…" he said softly, resting his head on Renji's shoulder.
"How so?"
"Are you really going to allow me to kill myself? Even after…"
"It's not the same," Renji said firmly. It took some effort even for him to believe that, though. He sighed. "It's just…I guess I was scared that you'd given up. You would've probably landed back in Rukongai without any memories at all – a totally different person. I mean, you're alive, so being killed would make you officially dead, right? But if you were really tryin' to kill yourself, you know in your heart that you would have to kill both your body and your soul in order to be completely dead… Shit – I don't know. You're confusing the hell out of me, too."
Ichigo thought for a moment. "Renji – the heart and soul are connected even through death, right?"
"They're always connected…"
"So…if somebody truly wanted to die, his soul would die, too, right?"
"Probably, yeah…"
"And if he wanted to live, his soul would live?"
"What're you getting at?"
"If the soul dies, it's reborn, right? But if it lives, it retains the memories and gets sent to Soul Society."
"Ichii, we honestly don't know about any of that…"
"That's what you were trying to get at, though. If I had wanted to die in my heart, my soul would've died, too. But if I kill myself wanting my soul to live, my soul would live, right?"
Renji stayed silent. He didn't want to say that Ichigo was probably right – he really wasn't too keen on the idea of Ichigo committing suicide, even if it was just to kill his body. It all just didn't sit right with him. Ichigo may have been an anomaly, but the way they were going about this just confused him enough to make him anxious and edgy.
He was saved from giving an answer when an excited cry of "ICHI-NII!!" came from outside the door.
"Hurry up an' get out here before Goat-face offers another freaky explanation," a second female voice said.
Ichigo was already halfway to the door. He opened the door, asking, "What kind of explanations?"
"He said something about learning the way of adults," Karin growled. "What – did you actually manage to get a girlfriend or something?" she added teasingly
"Karin-chan! Don't be mean – Ichi-nii's come home again!" Yuzu cried, throwing her arms around her big brother.
Ichigo caught her and returned the embrace as he smirked. "Miss me much?" he said with a chuckle as he stepped back, pushing the door open all the way to reveal Renji sitting calmly on his bed.
"Renji-kun!" Yuzu gasped, letting go of her brother to run to the redhead, tackling him.
"Hey there, Yuzu!" Renji laughed, easily catching her. He had met Ichigo's sisters once before, but only briefly, as the encounter had ultimately involved a Hollow attack.
"What the hell – could you just get a damn girlfriend already, bro?" Karin growled. "You're makin' Goat-face even more desperate than you! There's gotta be somethin' wrong when a father assumes his son is gay."
"It's not an assumption, Karin," Ichigo said calmly as he mussed up her hair. He turned back to the other sister and Renji. "Come on, you two. Pop will probably start crying if we don't include him."
"Include him for what?" Yuzu asked as she hitched a piggyback ride with Renji.
"You'll see," Renji said as he followed Ichigo (who was steering the second twin) out the door.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
I woke the other day, and saw my world has changed; the past is over but tomorrow's wishful thinking.
I can't hold onto what's been done, I can't grab onto what's to come, and I'm just wishing I could stop, but,
Life goes on – come of age, can't hold on – turn the page;
Time rolls on – wipe these eyes, yesterday laughs – tomorrow cries.
Memories are bittersweet, the good times we can't repeat; those days are gone and we can never get them back.
Now we must move ahead, despite our fear and dread; we're all just wishing we could stop, but,
Life goes on – come of age, can't hold on – turn the page;
Time rolls on – wipe these eyes, yesterday laughs – tomorrow cries.
With all our joys and fears, wrapped in forgotten years; the past is laughing as today just slips away.
Time tears down what we've made, and sets another stage, and I'm just wishing we could stop.
Life goes on – come of age, can't hold on – turn the page;
Time rolls on – wipe these eyes, yesterday laughs – tomorrow cries.
Song Title and Lyrics: The Offspring "Can't Repeat"
Word Count: 2365
Total: 24503