Stumble
Chapter Two
Disclaimer - I do not own the Outsiders. Or My Immortal by Evanescence.
– Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind –
The cool autumn breeze whipped my hair around my face. I was staring blankly ahead of me, my eyes focused on the object of all the pain in my life. There he stood, clothed in black, hands folded in front of him, a look of sorrow on his face.
But he wasn't sad. How could he be? This was all his fault. It was because of him that we stood here today, surrounded by old friends and estranged family members.
The preacher droned on and on, but I'd long since stopped listening to him. How could I ever again believe that there was such a thing as 'God'? How does one go on believing such foolishness after such a tragedy? The one good thing in my life had been taken from me so cruelly and suddenly.
The was no good in this life, whether it be here or in some make-believe kingdom in the clouds. None of it existed. It was all a lie made up so that somebody could make money off of other people's gullibility.
I continued to stare at the man that I had once called my father. My hate for him had never been as strong as it was at that moment. As I stared at his fake hurt I just wanted to jump across the six-foot hole before me and show him the meaning of pain. That urge got stronger and stronger with each condolence he accepted.
People shouldn't be pitying him, they shouldn't be feeling sorry for him or trying to console him. They should be condemning him to a life of torture and hatred. If only they knew what I knew. If only they knew what he had done to her, said to her in those final moments.
But, instead, he was seen as the grieving husband. And what was I? I was the ingrate. A heartless piece of filth. I didn't deserve to breath the same air as them. But what had I ever done? Nothing. Everybody thought that I was the problem. But it wasn't me, it was him.
Still, though, no one asked me if I was alright. No one tried to console me. No one was there to make sure that I didn't fall off the edge. And I was going to. I was getting so close that I could almost feel myself falling.
I was sitting on the curb in front of my house later, a cigarette between my lips. I was trying to forget. Forget everything. Forget my mother. Forget my father. Forget my life. I just wanted to fade into blackness and be forgotten.
Moments earlier I had stood in my room, trying to decide what to take with me when I left. But as I stood there, surrounded by all my possessions, a thought occurred to me. I had nowhere to go. I had no friends. I had no family.
I was alone. Forgotten already.
I threw my cigarette away in anger. Bringing my legs up close to me, I buried my head in my knees.
"You goin' to that party at Merrill's tonight?" I heard a male voice question.
"Yeah, probably, nothing better to do," a second male voice answered.
"Nah, man, you're just goin' for the free booze," a third guy laughed.
My head perked up a bit at the promise of free alcohol. If you can't forget your sorrows, drown them.